Why Couldn’t He Change For Me? We Have Answers

why couldn't he change for me

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

One of the most difficult aspects of a break up or a divorce is seeing the other person become involved with someone else, and not only appearing to be blissfully happy, but appearing to be the perfect spouse! It’s crazy, it’s infuriating, it’s hard to comprehend. Now he’s doing all these things with this other woman—things YOU desperately wanted him to do, but he wouldn’t. So, you’re left dying to know the answer to this question: “Why couldn’t he change for me?”

Read this email from a reader whose boyfriend left her. They have three children together.

He is married now with a baby on the way. During our relationship we had so many issues. He cheated a couple times. I cheated once. He didn’t work. I worked two jobs. He stayed at home all day with the boys. At the beginning of our relationship he was abusive. He stopped after a while. He was still abusive emotionally.

I am so drained of being sad. Not understanding why we couldn’t make it work. He is now working. He has his own place and married. Why couldn’t he have done this stuff when he was with me??

I have to believe that this reader feels angry at the injustice of how everything worked out. It sounds like she was supporting the family, working hard, and putting up with his cheating, along with his emotional and physical abuse.

How awful it must feel that he is already married, already has another baby on the way, and now, all of a sudden he is working, and has his own place. He appears blissful in his new life, like he’s got it all together. That must burn like hell to someone who was cheated on and abused while financially supporting the family.


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So, let me offer two potential answers to “Why couldn’t he change for me?”

1. People often say, “People don’t change,” but I don’t believe that. People can change. For example, an alcoholic can get into recovery and can then change. People go to therapy to sort out all kinds of issues and the work they do there can help them change. And, sometimes losing someone you love—via a divorce or breakup causes the person to look in the mirror, take accountability for some of the things that went wrong, and take steps to be better in their next relationship. Ask any divorced person (including me) and they will most likely tell you they are a better spouse in their current relationship than they were in their marriage.


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2. His changes are only temporary. In the case of this reader, physical and mental abuse are very very serious problems. I have a hard time believing that this guy is never going to be abusive to his new wife. Give it time. Sadly, he will be who he was in the other relationship (unless he decides to get help). The cheating might be the same thing.

If he chose to cheat when things weren’t so great with the first woman, I wouldn’t be surprised if he does it again in this marriage. Another killer is, he is now working. Why didn’t he work when he was with the other woman? Did they agree that he was the stay-at-home parent? Or, was he lazy and chose to let his girlfriend foot the bills? I don’t know these important details, but I can say, I’m not sure him working is temporary, or if he finally got it together and decided to become employed after feeling bad about himself in the other relationship. It’s hard to say.

How do you cope with the question, “Why couldn’t he change for me?”

My opinion is, you say to yourself, “Because there were so many other problems weaving in and out of what I wanted him to change.” Or “Because the reality is, he didn’t love me enough to change, so the breakup/divorce is a good thing, because who wants to be with someone who is unwilling to change when they know their spouse isn’t happy?” No one.


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You can also be wise enough to realize which changes are real, and which are temporary. Remember that every person who gets into a new romantic relationship is on his or her best behavior for at least the first 2 years. Year 3 is when reality sets in, and people start to show who they really are. That’s not a bad thing if you’re with the right person, by the way.

Lastly, remember that change is good. So, in some cases, it’s OK to be happy for your ex spouse when he makes changes for the better—even if he wouldn’t change for you. That’s what life is all about—learning from our mistakes and growing and changing negative behaviors. So, instead of being pissed off about good changes, be happy because the beneficiaries of the changes are often the children. Instead of resenting the fact that he changed for the better, focus on trying to make changes within yourself that will make you happier.

In closing, if you see your ex-spouse happy and a changed man, and you continue to think, “Why couldn’t he change for me?” all that’s going to do is fester and make you bitter and hold you prisoner to being happy in your own life. If you think, “Good for him, and everything happened the way it was supposed to happen,” that fosters peace, and acceptance, leading you on your own path to a happier, better life.

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

5 Responses to “Why Couldn’t He Change For Me? We Have Answers”

  1. Laura

    I think of what it is going to feel like when I see him move on, be happy, and make another family. I know that it will happen and I know I will eventually get to that place to. This article helped me to focus on what will make me happier not just for myself but for my children as well. I can’t worry about “Why couldn’t he have changed for me” when that ship has sailed and theres no reason to look back at it. He made the choices he did and I am leaving because he couldn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.

    • Annie

      Very true Laura, but when they start a new relationship it’s not so easy to feel quite so positive.

    • Michael

      Sometimes learning/changing is a two-way street how someone loves is a two-way street as well. Maybe he was always that person and needed to be loved as he deserved too. He and you both had the capabilities to love the way you needed and deserve or you wouldn’t have married. Happiness is good honest communication, caring, respect, appreciating of each other. Being loved as deserved comes from all aspects. Some men change because they let their guard down as they are not always feeling they have to be on guard. I agree to stop the train get off and reset emotionally! My wife and I read this to learn from mistakes and we have built a great foundation. Both of us are best friends and have been for years! God Bless!

  2. Sarah

    My exH moved on so fast to make a new Insta-family- he couldn’t possibly have had time to reflect on what his part was in the breakup and nearly two years later he is still more bitter than I am and blames me for everything- I have used the time to work on myself and am much happier and content- despite still being single. I prefer it!

  3. Dor

    Don’t expect your boyfriend or spouse to change for you. If someone wants to change, like the alcoholic example, then they must do it for themselves.
    Seems like men move on quickly after a divorce either with another relationship and or with starting another family.
    It’s difficult to say after he moves on , that’s it’s all the better and that’s how it should have happened.


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