Read this email I got from a newly separated mom, along with my divorce advice for her:
I find myself completely hopeless. My 3rd husband, for whom I left my 2nd husband just could not handle being a stepfather and hated my ex. My ex wanted no part of my husband and vice versa. I had to make the hardest choice ever in my life. File for divorce. For the entire 6 years we were married, he constantly made our arguments about my ex, my two young kids or anything other thing possible. So I filed, he was served and I regret everyday since.
The worst part is he is living with a former friend or not so called friend of 20 years. When my husband and I first separated several months ago, she reached out to him. So when I asked my husband to stop communicating with a single women, he told her. Well, she went ballistic to say the least.
I am so devastated and heart broken. She is the poorest excuse for a women you have ever met. She was always jealous of me, constantly telling me I was not good to him, I spend too much time with my kids, etc.
I am angry at GOD, at this world, and I am trying to do the best to keep it all together. Do I have the right to be angry at GOD? I felt like I did the right thing, and everyone tells me it will get better, but IDK. If I can just get over this hurdle, I know I will be better on the other end. I am just so angry.
Here are my thoughts. First, there is a difference between a husband not getting along with an ex-husband, and a husband not getting along with the kids. If this woman’s husband and ex-husband couldn’t stand each other, that’s not a reason to get divorced. Get over it, guys!
But, it’s an entirely different story when the new husband and his wife fight about her children, and he can’t grasp the concept of being a stepdad. Hello?? You knew what you were getting into, right? If you marry a woman with two young kids, you are also marrying the kids! Now, it is easy? Nope. But, big lesson. Second (or third) marriage, means you are marrying the kids, too, so don’t get married if you don’t want to sign up for that.
Let’s move on to the friend he is living with. I personally think that if he wasn’t in a relationship with her, this woman wouldn’t have any regrets about being separated. But, she is dying inside because she can’t believe he moved on—nonetheless to her girlfriend. Well, shame on him and shame on the girlfriend (who by the way, disgusts me if she is telling her friend she spends too much time with her kids. Is there such a thing?!) In my opinion, this relationship is taboo, so it is sexy, and the guy knows he is pissing off his soon-to-be-ex, which is where the attraction in this relationship is stemming from–whether consciously or subconsciously. Therefore, I predict that he and this woman won’t last. It will get old when the guy sees that his ex doesn’t care anymore. He is dating this woman to hurt his wife, because he is enraged that she filed for divorce.
These poor, poor kids. They are the ones I feel for the most. I’m also a little disappointed in their father for not making more of an effort to get along w their new stepdad. It would have been for their benefit and nothing else. But, sounds like he was a little too selfish to make things easy.
Lastly (and most importantly) I want to address “I am angry with God,” because I think this is something that a lot of newly separated men and women (including me several years ago) have trouble with. I remember thinking, ‘Why is God doing this to me?’ I was so angry: angry at the situation, angry with my ex, angry with everyone, and angry with God.
But then I realized, God isn’t doing this to me, I did this to me by marrying the wrong guy. Not that I should beat myself up, but the fact was, I was to blame for my divorce (along with my ex-we were both to blame.) God’s role is to be there to give strength and courage to handle the divorce.
Several years ago, a friend of mine had a baby who died at 13 months old of a brain tumor. I went to the funeral and came home, called my sister and was hysterically crying and screaming, “How could God let this happen?”
My sister said, “God didn’t let this happen. Nature and the baby’s biological makeup did this. God had nothing to do with his death. But God will have a lot to do with helping the family heal from this. He will give them guidance and courage and the strength to go on and live their lives. I never forgot her wise words. On a side note, the parents are still together and went on to have two more children, who are healthy and beautiful.
I think in the face of tragedy and/or a divorce or any other problem, it is natural to be very angry and to want to blame everyone for what happened, including God. But, after the ranting and raving and venting and grieving, must come reason, and the sense to realize the miracle of what God does for us. If we let Him into our hearts and believe that with His help we can overcome anything, it will bring us acceptance and peace and clarity and a sense of calm.
I believe this woman did the right thing divorcing her husband (since six years of fighting doesn’t sound like the way to spend your life.) But, my advice to her will be that she should not get married again anytime soon. Please, enjoy life, those sweet kids, and of course, date and enjoy the companionship of a man. But no more marriage for this woman. Her kids need their mother and father; not another husband.
I want to end this on a positive note, so I will end with a great story about God. Over the Jewish holidays (a couple weeks ago) I went to temple the night of Yom Kippur. The next day, my Catholic boyfriend asked me if I was going to temple again (because you are supposed to go the next day also.) I replied, “I’m not sure. I just feel too busy today.” My boyfriend’s response: “Oh, really? Is He too busy for you when you need him?” I ended up going to temple that day. The point is, I truly believe that faith and worship and God is strong, and that it helps so much more than we can imagine.
Like this post? Check out my blog, “Riding The Roller Coaster of Divorce”