What do you do when you get divorced, and when your ex gets married quickly? That’s what happened to this reader:
My husband fell in love with another woman. He even said that if he had a plate of food I was only 1 of the items while she was the whole plate and everything that went with it! Slap in the face! I should haves slapped him for saying it. I’m in Christian counseling working through my anger, but how do you cope when your ex gets married quickly- 10 months later? Why does he have the marriage I so long for?
First of all, to compare someone to a food item on a plate is just downright cruel, insensitive and in all honesty, stupid.
Advice for when your ex gets married quickly:
My ex husband got married four years after our divorce. I wouldn’t say that’s “quickly,”and she wasn’t the reason we got divorced. He met her after the divorce. That said, here’s why it hurt like hell when he got married.
1. When your ex gets married quickly, it makes you feel like you are very very alone and he or she is blissfully happy.
But I think that is an illusion we create in our minds, which only leads to anger, resentment, and self-pity. Thinking that your ex is blissful is not accurate. How do you know he is truly happy? Because he got remarried? Maybe he’s putting a Band-aid on your marriage ending, or maybe he’s looking for happiness in another woman instead of facing his own demons and other issues. You don’t know what the picture will look like in a few years from now, so don’t assume he’s found true love.
2. It doesn’t feel “fair.”
In other words, why does he get to end up happily ever after while you are alone? The feeling of injustice can lead to anger and bitterness. But again, this is only the first quarter of the football game. Who’s to say what their marriage will be like in 2 years from now? I’ve seen so often an ex gets married quickly and with family blending comes all kinds of problems and unhappiness. That’s why the divorce rate of second marriages is so high. I’m not saying I wish that for anyone, but I think it’s a reality that you aren’t thinking about right now.
3. Everyone must think YOU were the problem since he got married again so quickly.
DEFINITELY not the case, and you know that. Ask yourself, why do I care so much what other people think? You don’t.
4. Maybe you’re not happy in your own life.
I know when my ex got remarried, I was devastated and wasn’t sure why. It was much later that I realized why: I was not happy in my relationship at the time, and was too afraid to admit it or do anything about it. The key in coping with your ex getting married quickly is to try not to think about “him and her and them,” but rather about yourself and what and who will make you happy. Sometimes, getting upset about it can turn out to be a good thing because it makes you re-evaluate your own life.
Second marriages and blended families are no picnic. Ask anyone, even the happiest of couples and they will tell you it isn’t easy. They will also secretly tell you not to get married again! Trust me, I know a dozen couples who have told me that my current boyfriend and I are so smart for not getting married and blending our families.
The best advice I can offer for when your ex gets married quickly is to think of it as his or her way of coping with your divorce.He or she chose to cope by jumping quickly into another relationship. That might work short-term or it might work forever, but at some point, your ex will mourn the end of your marriage.
I’m not saying to look forward to your ex being miserable, but rather recommending that you focus on understanding the real reason your marriage ended, accepting the end, coming to a place of peace in its ending, and living for today.
Do things and spend time with people who make you happy. That will lead you to a happy, healthy future and to having a real relationship–an authentic relationship that isn’t rushed, and that isn’t starting behind someone’s back.
Do you see what I’m saying? You are in a much better position than your ex who got married quickly! You are taking your time, healing, growing, and enjoying life at a slower pace. It’s all good for you. It’s your ex who might have to face some issues later. Let him worry about that.