It’s a well known fact that every single woman drops at least 10 pounds the minute she becomes recently separated. Think about it. She gets upset and is unable to eat frequently, she’s stressed about the unknown, the attorney fees, and how her kids are doing. She’s busy, or she might have just started working again. She’s sad at times and sleeps a lot. And lastly, the recently separated woman is dating again. Who has time for food?!
So, how do you feel when you drop 10 pounds? Most people would say they feel confident, sexy, that they love the feeling of their clothes practically falling off of them. Most would say they see themselves as being more attractive, right? You would think.
But, let me take you into the mind of the recently separated 40 something woman. Being someone who lost about 10 pounds right off the bat, I felt anything but pretty and sexy and confident. The weight loss didn’t mean anything.
When I got separated, I temporarily became a person who doesn’t define who I really am. I was beyond insecure. I had thoughts like, ‘I’m 41. Who is going to want me?’ I looked in the mirror one day and I felt really, really old and tired. I felt defeated. I didn’t feel like I was attractive on the inside or outside. Here are the reasons why:
1. I was a stay at home mom:
I hadn’t had a job in 6 years. I had zero self esteem when it came to my professional ability, and figured the only skills I had now were diaper changing, bottle feeding and house cleaning. I was very stressed because I now had to think about what I was going to do for work, with no current computer skills and no belief in myself.
2. I was coming out of a toxic situation:
I think when two people are in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage, (which could be for years) both are losing self-worth every minute they stay together. Why? Because you are around this person constantly who you think hates you, or who is belittling you, or who you know doesn’t want to be with you anymore, or who is condescending, or mean.
Or, maybe you are the one who wants out of the marriage. Maybe you hate yourself a little bit because of that. Being in such a volatile and unhealthy relationship had really taken a toll on how I felt about myself.
3. Hello 40’s:
This might apply to any woman, married or divorced, but it’s hard to ignore the number 40. It didn’t matter how skinny I was, I was the big 4-1. I was officially “middle aged” and in need of Botox and eye glass “readers.” Why would someone want me when they could have one of the million 30 year olds living in the city?
4. I felt like a failure:
I managed to screw up the most serious relationship I ever had. That made me feel like a loser. I couldn’t even manage to save my marriage for the sake of my two very young children. I also felt selfish. There’s a lot of guilt and self-hatred that goes with getting divorced.
When I was recently separated, I was sitting around one night and I got a call from a friend of mine, asking me to meet her, her husband and “some of his work buddies” at a local bar. My kids were on vacation with my ex, so I had no child care issues. Something made me accept.
Upstairs I went, searching for a cute outfit. I walked out the door in a pair of jeans that I probably couldn’t get one leg into today, and a sleeveless top that showed off my slim (at the time) arms.
When I walked into the bar, my friend came rushing over to me. I realized that we were the only two girls at the place. One of her husband’s co-workers came up and started talking to me. He was not attractive, and I felt like he approached me because he was curious to talk to “the divorced girl.”
A few minutes later, another man approached me. My heart stopped when I saw him because he was seriously drop dead gorgeous. He was at least 10 years younger than me. He introduced himself with a huge grin that almost gave me a heart attack.
The two of us would end up talking for the next two hours! What was funny about the whole night was, it never occurred to me that he was interested in me. My low self-esteem had caused me to give up any possible notion that he or anyone else would find me attractive. I seriously just thought he thought I was interesting and nice. He was having a good time talking to the “divorced lady.”
He walked me to my car and then asked if he could get in.
“Uh…sure…” I said, seriously still not getting the fact that he liked me.
Then, he leaned over and kissed me. We kissed for a long time and then he asked me for my phone number.
I think my drive home that night was the turning point in my newly separated life. In a few short hours, I’d gone from thinking my romantic opportunities were over to realizing that a new part of my life was just beginning.
I didn’t care if the guy even called. Although, let’s be honest, I looked at my cell phone every three seconds the next day. He did call and we ended up dating for a few months. But, had he decided never to call me again, the mold had already been broken. I was a newly separated divorced girl who had gone from hopeless, insecure and timid, to confident, poised and ready to face the world as an older version of my best self.
I always tell people, it’s such a shame that you lose weight when you are unhappy. What a waste! You can’t even enjoy that you’re skinny!
By the way, I’m pretty happy in life right now, and I’ve gained back the 10 pounds.
Like this post? Check out, “Honey, I Want A Divorce” or “Dating Over 50: Are We In No-Man’s Land?”