How do I rebuild my life after divorce? I’ve sunken into a deep depression and want out.
I’ve been with my husband for over 13 years and I found out that this is the third time he has cheated on me. Prior it was Internet/phone sex, second time he gave me an STD, and the third time I caught him on the phone with a girl “friend.” So now I have to put on my big girl pants and seek divorce.
We’ve always been the power couple that flourished and now we are getting a divorce and not only am I “ashamed” but I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to “put up or deal with me” the way he has for half of my life. I’m scared of being a single mom, I’m nervous about living alone, I’m afraid I won’t be able to live a normal life without him.
Check out my advice in this video:
My gut reaction to this is to tell you to take a breath. A really long, deep one. In fact, if you haven’t started doing it yet, you need to begin yoga classes immediately.
But let’s be honest, yoga isn’t going to heal your broken heart and act as the building blocks to rebuild your life. So, let’s back up for a minute.
I get that you are depressed. You are also probably devastated, deeply hurt, sad, scared, angry, and in shock that the divorce is actually happening. Been there.
Finding out you’ve been cheated on is awful. It makes a person feel really, really stupid, and really bad about themselves, as if they weren’t good enough to prevent the other person from sleeping with someone else.
What the cheatee fails to understand initially (when they find out about the cheating) is that he or she isn’t stupid, but rather trusting and good, because he or she had faith in the spouse, they only saw the good and didn’t want to believe that someone who made a commitment to them to be faithful was ever capable of deceiving and hurting them like that. That doesn’t seem stupid to me.
The stupid one is the cheater. Cheaters usually have deep seeded issues that run the gamut of sex addiction to low self-esteem/insecurity to selfishness to simply bad judgment that they later regret. And honestly, not all cheaters are alike. There are some good guys (and women) who cheat, so I try not to make blanket statements.
That said, I feel for you. He has probably cheated more than three times, by the way. (I’m sorry to tell you that.)
A couple things. First of all, “The power couple?” Who cares. Get over that quickly. No one is the power couple. What people see on the outside isn’t what it really is.
What I think you will find is that as you start telling people you are getting divorced, they will be very supportive, and they will have respect for you. If you don’t get that vibe from some people, take some time apart from them.
Secondly, why are you “ashamed?!” What on earth would make you ashamed of getting out of a bad situation and setting an example for your kids that it is acceptable for dad to have girlfriends?
Next, (and this is big) you say, “I don’t know if anyone can put up with me or deal with me.” Seriously? (that was sarcastic.) It makes me sad because you don’t like yourself very much. Ask yourself why that is. Are you mad at yourself for putting up with his cheating all these years? You need to figure out what you don’t like and fix it. And that is how you rebuild your life after divorce.
You start with yourself. You engage in faith, physical activity, yoga, talk therapy, medication (if you think you might need it), friends and family, and of course your beloved children, and you take time to really be honest with yourself about who you are, what mistakes you have made and what you want for your future.
It takes time, and there is no getting around the rollercoaster of a journey you have to go on before you gain real clarity, but the beauty is, with hard work—looking within, you will end up living a life that makes you happy, and without a man who cheats on you.
Lastly, don’t be afraid of being a single mom. Don’t be afraid of living alone. These are the situations that are going to make you stronger, healthier and wiser. They are empowering opportunities for you to find out just how amazing you are.
You might just realize, you don’t want a “normal” life. What’s so great about “normal?” Maybe you deserve better than normal. How about exceptional? It’s there for the taking, but that’s up to you.