when a woman decides to leave

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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

I got an email from a reader who explained that she is going through a divorce, and that the divorce was HER decision. She asked me if I could give her some advice for a woman in her situation. In other words, how does one deal with the immense guilt of leaving your husband, when HE didn’t want the divorce? (or didn’t know it was coming.)

“I feel like most things I read are about a women who feels like a victim in the beginning, and who comes out stronger eventually,” she wrote.

Here’s where I started to get really empathetic.

“It would be so much easier if I could stamp him as a cheater, alcoholic,  slacker, loser, abuser. But I can’t! He has been a good father to our kids, a loyal husband as far as I know, and a good provider for our family.  I am in therapy for all the feelings including guilt. The fact is, this has hurt him and ripped his heart out (those were his words).”

I have a few thoughts about this woman’s situation.

First, the fact that she has fessed up like this, admitted what’s really going on,  taken responsibility for what she’s done, and is seeking a therapist’s help puts her so far ahead of the game when it comes to healing.

 

Vestor

 

In lots of cases like this, I see both men and women who take the guilt they have about leaving their spouse, and spin it. What I mean is, they somehow start to blame the other person, and then become angry at the other person, and then they turn into a nightmare for that person by being cruel and vicious. What they are really doing is taking the hatred they have for themselves and putting it on the other person to try to alleviate their own guilt.

Here’s an example. I know this woman who left her husband for another man. She had an affair, and then asked the husband for a divorce. I am by NO MEANS judging her for doing that, because I have no idea what her marriage was like. BUT, I can tell you the day I started judging her. I heard her say to a group of women, “I’m just the bitch who left him.” She then began to giggle and laugh and roll her eyes. She reminded me of a high-school mean girl.

If I’d heard her say  “What I did was selfish. I know that. It wasn’t good for my ex-husband and it wasn’t good for my child, but it was good for me. That’s something I have to live with. I feel badly about it. But, I fell in love with someone else and it seemed right. I will always feel guilty and somewhat shameful for what I did, but I will always do my best to be a great mother, and as good of an ex-wife as I can possibly be, because my ex deserves that.” If I had heard her say this, I would have no issues with her. Trust me, there’s more to the story that makes me really dislike this person, but the point is, she will never really be able to heal, because she hasn’t acted like an adult and really owned up to what she did. She isn’t being honest with herself like my reader is. That’s the difference.

When I got divorced, it was initially my decision. Here is what I was feeling:

GUILT:  It’s an awful feeling to live with. Even if your husband has some serious flaws, perhaps there’s an obvious deal breaker. Abuse, cheating, drinking…Whatever it is, if your husband didn’t want a divorce, and you did, you will probably still feel incredibly guilty for a long time.

And, guess what guilt makes you do? It makes you walk on eggshells, and try to be as nice as you can. Guess what? He doesn’t want to be your friend. Ever. Accept that. There are exceptions, but they’re far and few between.

Guilt can also make you settle financially in your divorce in a way you wouldn’t have settled had it been the other way around. You might accept less child support, give him the house, do whatever it takes monetarily to appease your guilt. And it won’t work. You’ll still feel guilty.

Guilt can also make you hate yourself, which is so totally unhealthy. Please get help if you feel guilty and it isn’t going away. You have to find a way to get rid of the guilt and regain self-love. Otherwise, you will never be able to move on.

Here’s the reason you shouldn’t feel guilty. First of all, if your ex wasn’t a good husband, if he cheated or drank a lot, or was abusive, or had a drug problem, then you should feel SMART not GUILTY that you ended it before things got really bad.

 

Katz and Stefani Family Law Attorneys

 

Leaving someone takes guts. Be proud that you are doing what’s right for your children and yourself, and that you left and didn’t take the easy way out by staying, maybe because he has money, or because it was comfortable.

Regarding my reader who refers to her ex as “a good father to our kids, a loyal husband as far as I know, and a good provider for our family,” here’s what I want to say to her.

No one can control how they feel. A woman could have the best husband in the world, and if someday they drift apart, or one of them changes, and the woman decides to leave, whether it’s for another man or not, then that’s what it is. It’s not a pretty situation, but it is life. It happens. HOW she handles it is very key.

 

Worthy

 

Also, does your husband really deserve to be with a woman who doesn’t love him anymore? Doesn’t he deserve better? Your leaving him opens the door for him to possibly find love with a woman who appreciates him and wants him.

And lastly, just because it was YOUR decision, that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting just as much as he is.

I remember feeling like just because it was technically my decision, maybe  I didn’t have the right to feel hurt. Maybe I wasn’t allowed to miss him, or to grieve or cry or be upset. It was as if someone was always in my ear saying, “Well, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

Leaving someone is never an easy decision. I’m sure that women who leave their husbands, (even the girl I can’t stand) agonize over the decision, and go back and forth a million times before actually doing it.

I have a dear friend whose husband blindsided her, and left her for another woman who he married two minutes after the divorce was final. I have said to her often, “Sometimes I feel like you are lucky because you didn’t have a say in this.” Sometimes it’s easier to be the dumpee versus the dumper. When something happens to you, you have no control. So, there’s no guilt.

In closing, divorce is very painful for both people, regardless of who left who. There’s really no way around that. But in the end, what ends up happening is, no one really remembers who left who. It doesn’t really matter, does it? All that is of  significance is how the two people live their lives from that point on, and how they treat each other after the divorce, especially when it comes to the kids.

Like this post? Check out, “He Cheated, She Feels Guilty For Leaving. Seriously?”

 


 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

246 Responses to “Honey, I Want A Divorce: When A Woman Decides to Leave”

  1. george

    Bades- You ask for advise. Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it. My advise to you is to re-read some of the posts above from men that are in your husband’s shoes. You say that your husband has “done nothing wrong” and that he is “wonderful”. If that is true, then why in the world do you want to end it with him? You have no idea how lucky you are to be with someone that is, in your very own words, “wonderful” and that has “done nothing wrong.” My oh my, how many women would love to be with a man like that!

    From the information that you have provided, we can only conclude that you want to end your marriage for selfish reasons. After all, your husband has “done nothing wrong”. So, what exactly is your reason? All that you say is that you “want to be alone” and that you “have completely changed as a person”. Tell me more. What exactly has changed within you and why do you want to be alone? It obviously has absolutely nothing to do with your husband, because again, he has “done nothing wrong” and he is wonderful”.

    You may think that I’m a jerk by using your own words against you. Maybe I am. But there is another side here. It’s to get you to think, and I mean really focus inward at yourself. You don’t just get to log into a blog and tell the world that you want to leave your husband and then not provide any details as to why you want to leave or what problems the two of you are having or what the two of you are doing to resolve your problems. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and too often people want to walk away thinking that is the only answer. Let me ask you this…….what is it that you hope to gain by leaving your husband? Is being alone going to solve your problems? Does running away from your problems solve your problems? Does your husband even know that you are unhappy right now? Do you know why you are unhappy? What does happiness look like to you? If you could have that happiness, but be able to share it with your husband, would you do it?

    My advise to you is simple. Work on yourself. It’s not your marriage that is the problem. It never has been. You are confused and are thinking that your unhappiness is a function of your marriage. However, it is not. Happiness is a feeling that comes from within. It is not external. Once you work on yourself and understand what makes you tick and happy, then you will transfer that happiness to your marriage.

    I said it before and I’ll say it again. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

    Reply
    • Lisa f

      George, I’ll answer your questions. My husband is into porn, hasn’t wanted sex with me for years, hasn’t had sex with me for 7 years, and hasn’t been there for me for medical issues to support me…like cervical cancer and now possible breast cancer. I rely on friends to drive me to the hospital for procedures/surgery and to take care of me and our children at home while he reads in his chair or works in his garden or plays with his fish tanks or rides his motorcycles. He’s forgotten in sickness and health. Forgive me for wanting to be alone, he’s an ok guy for someone who only thinks about himself. Better friend than partner.

      Reply
      • Juli

        George sounds like he may be speaking from a place of personal anger and masculine frustration. You owe no explanation to anyone for wanting to leave. No one comes to the decision to divorce lightly. Often women have a reaction that has been imposed upon them for generations by a patriarchal society. “How dare you not want to be treated like garbage, you’re a wife. That’s your duty.”

        No one would question a man for leaving for the same reasons you’re stating.

        Remove your blinders and remember your have just as much right to be loved and treated with respect as anyone else.

        Reply
    • Summerstorms

      Good women get left because the man needed to get out of there, too, George. It happens. You could be right in some situations. But not all.

      Reply
      • Omg

        I like how George was all mouth until he got his precious details. “You don’t get to log into a blog …”

        From what I can see, this blog is public, so yes, she does in fact “get to” log into the blog and provide whatever details she feels comfortable with. You don’t get to tell strangers what they “get to” do. End of.

        Her husband is a porn addict. That’s a deal breaker imo. Her decision to divorce in light of that provided detail? 100% JUSTIFIED

        But does she need justification? If a person wants a divorce for any reason, it’s automatically justified. A person does not only themselves but their spouse a great disservice by staying married to someone they don’t want to be married to anymore.

        I mean really, would George want a woman to stay married to him if she didn’t want to be? Obviously porn addiction does not equate to “a wonderful man who has done nothing wrong”, but that doesn’t matter. Does someone have to do something wrong in order for a divorce to be warranted? The reason for the divorce is irrelevant because not wanting to be married to someone anymore is reason enough. That’s why we have “no fault” laws.

        Reply
  2. Sarah

    Thank you. I needed this. This is exactly what I have been thinking and feeling. And my husband is Not making it easy for me to go through with this.
    Since we got married, I’ve felt less and less for my husband. We argue about everything. I just dont LOVE him “that way”…and I’ve tried researching “I hate my husband” and all sorts of things, thought that what I’m feeling (not feeling) is “normal”… thought I’d just make it work because he IS a good husband, he does EVERYTHING for me, I don’t have to go to work, just keep the house clean and cook him meals… Wow, I really have the life right?
    But theres no Love. Not from my side. I like/love him as a friend; it’s nice to have someone around to take care of things; it’s nice not to be alone. But I don’t love him.
    And I finally realized that, when I fell in love, deeply in love, with someone else.
    This is someone I probably will never meet. Probably never be with. But every word he says makes me feel so loved.. Each word stirs my heart in a way I never thought possible. That fairy tale love? It does exist. And I should have waited for it. Because it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.
    And STILL I hung on to my husband, because, “what am I gonna do” without him… how will I support myself… he didn’t really do anything Wrong to make me leave…
    And it wasn’t until he got jealous of me Talking with this other guy, that I couldn’t take it. If I couldn’t have this feeling while being with my husband, I would leave him, because this feeling, this true love, is the greatest thing.
    And on top of that, it wasn’t fair to my husband. That’s the only way I can justify it. My husband has asked many times for things… for me to massage him for example… probably would like me to kiss him more… but I don’t Want to. He should be with someone who Does want to. Someone who adores him and wants to touch and hug him all the time. Not me. Not someone who thinks of him just as a friend… Someone I’m 100% comfortable with, yet I just don’t Love in that way. I love in a different way. I love him for what he does for me. I love that I can trust him, to be faithful always. I love that he loves me. But I don’t want to be married to him.
    He’s a good man and a good person, but he isn’t good for me. I wish I could help him understand that. And I hope I’m doing the right thing.

    Reply
      • BJ

        This is EXACTLY what I’m going through too. This is the first article that I have found that even touches my feelings/situation. I believe we are going to seek counseling but deep down I don’t see it working. I guess we’ll see.

        Reply
        • Brandon

          I am currently going thru my wife wanting to leave me for similar reasons. What i have to ask u ladies is y in the world like in my case. Marry me have 3 kids and buy our second house together after being together for 8 years. Then decide u dont want to be apart of it or try to work on anything. Wouldnt that make the last 8 years pointless. Y put someone thru that to begin with then

          Reply
          • T

            It’s not that she doesn’t want any if this’d things with her man. But that it’s just bc we don’t feel loved any more. She has probably tried to reach out to you and you have ignored her and all these red signs. Which made her lose respect for you. Most women are great women to their husband if treated right. We’ll honestly almost do anything for him

          • Super Dave

            Brandon,
            Yes what a waste of time. Life is sooo short. Pufff, and your life is over. Here today, gone tomorrow. And within such a short time, to be united in not-so-loving relationship is depressing. Ideally, we want our life to be in a relationship where burning passion for one another brings two loves together. IMO, women sometimes don’t know what they want….

        • Elizabeth

          The woman who wants to leave is not evil. It is just that this marriage, this relationship is not feeding her soul what she needs.

          She must first be sustainable on her own without needing to pull on the energies of someone else before she can enter a relationship and make a meaningful contribution.

          I know what it is to be afraid to be alone but that is no good reason to trap someone who may well have the chance of a beautiful love partnership with someone else.

          I must face my fears and experience this aloneness I dread so much.

          Reply
          • Theresa Addison

            After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is (LAVENDERLOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM } tel.+2347053977842) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.

          • Tiffany

            I just found this article and rejoiced when I saw your reply.I too am in a marriage and my soul isn’t being fed. Your exact words sums up exactly what is going on. Finally, someone gets it. Thank you!!!

        • Nell0987

          I have also just left my husband because of exactly the same thing. Speaking to anyone going through or been through this also would be amazing.

          Reply
          • Kimberly Brown

            I left my husband 1/1/17 (technically we live together still) but I told him that we would be better co-parents than husband and wife. He doesnt like it but I have to move on with my life. I need a friend who understands! I’ve already printed and ready to file my papers. I will do so next week.

    • Lisa Saralee

      Hello, can we please talk? Going through the same thing as you have described here. Have no one to talk to who are in similar situation. Would be grateful for a chat.

      Reply
      • Niknak33

        I am in the same position … I have the worlds best husband and I should be so grateful – I have an enourmous amount of guilt weighing on me every day for almost 2 years now. It’s my own fault though. My husband and I have been together for 10 years but married for 2. He used to be my everything. If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I saw this coming, I would have said no way. Our sex life has been off for over 7 years but it never really bothered me. I was so content with how much he adored me and loved me that I figured sex didn’t matter. I love him with all of my heart but I can’t stand the thought of having any type of sexual relations with him ever again. It’s actually been almost 2 years since we’ve had sex. It’s really sad because I know that he can feel me pulling away. He’s says “you never want me to hold you, or cuddle”, and hearing that breaks my heart. He’s too good of a person and deserves so much better than me. He would seriously give his life for me. But I feel like he’s my brother and I don’t know how to fix things. And none of this came about until I started a new job and met a man that gave me tingles and chills just by looking at him. That was it – everything had changed. I was so confused because for years I had never even been attracted to another guy and all of a sudden I meet my co-worker and can’t take my mind off of him. He was so charming and flirty and made me feel so pretty and good and gave me butterflies. It started with flirty texting and then of course led to more. So what do I do, I had an affair. Worst part is that I really enjoyed it. The sex was amazing, he was funny and caring and I was falling in love. Yep, falling in love right after getting married to my best friend. I’m a horrible horrible person. My husband deserves so much better than me. I once was a good person, but I no longer am. What I’ve done is terrible. The affair lasted for over a year, then he decided he couldn’t do it anymore because he too was married. Him and I still talk and see each other occasionally so I guess the affair is back on, just not like it was before. My husband has no idea and I would never want him to find out. He’d be crushed. We are still together and I am still unhappy and I have no idea what to do. Of course I think about how easy it would be if he would just cheat on me or hurt me in some type of way so I have a way out, but he loves me too much and would never do that or anything to hurt me. Why can’t I just be grateful and happy with who I have?! What is wrong with me?!

        Reply
        • Han

          Wow this is exactly where I’m at right now… I seriously don’t know what’s right at this point in life.

          Reply
        • Vee

          Oh my goodness! Sounds exactly like me! Only I broke it off when he found out (this was 4 years into our marriage) and we have now been married for 26 years! But I’m still unhappy. Still missing something really important. And he refuses to try to communicate with me 🙁 I am ready to give up now. I want that feeling back. How are you doing now? What are you planning to do? I feel for you..

          Reply
        • bev derbyshire-collins

          I have a similar situation . I have been wanted to start a new life. I support both of us. He communicates by yelling . We are like weeds and furniture. Absolutely nothing in common. No common core beliefs or values . I should never have decided on marriage . It happened way to quick before I could see the whole picture.
          We have been together almost 13 years and i am somewhere in between being terrified and very frightened to bring up the subject matter. I am afraid of his reaction which I know will be anger and hatred. I am also afraid he will hurt our pet. But yet still, I don’t want to hurt him .
          To make matters worse, I have no nearby family to support me. I have a daughter in the Midwest and a son with his own children and personal problems,
          He has a huge nearby family to support him. We have no kids of our own . Thanks for reading this and future comments. Suggestions on what to say to bring up the discussion of divorce w ill be appreciated.

          Reply
        • Patti

          niknak33, can we please exchange emails in the most non-creepy way. my husband and i are going through a divorce because of a similar situation and i just feel so confused and alone. I’ve lost so many friends & family through the process. I’d deeply appreciate your advice. Please. Thank you so much.

          Reply
  3. Bill

    I’m just a simple numbers guy. You see, statistics are my thing. I find that we can learn and comprehend the complexities of the world around us by simply evaluating the data. Facts, not opinions or emotions or desires, are what we rely on to gain a better understanding of human behavior, and ultimately our own lives.

    Fact – As we have heard our entire lives, close to 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Yes, this figure includes first marriages, second marriages, third marriages, etc. Fact – Nearly 70% of all of those divorces are initiated by the woman. Fact – And of all of those women who initiated the divorce, more than half stated that their reason for wanting the divorce is because they were “unhappy” or that the marriage had become “stale and boring”. These women reported that their husband was a good man/father and that he hadn’t really done anything wrong; the women just “fell out of love” with their husband over time.

    If you don’t believe there is any truth or merit to these facts/figures, you can do your own research to learn for yourself. Alternatively, all you have to do is read the posts on this website. There is approximately 3 years worth of public input in this comment section. That’s a lot of data to work with, and it clearly illustrates that the statistics are not wrong. But, number crunching doesn’t solve our problems does it? No, it doesn’t. And neither does divorcing a man for being a good husband and father.

    Reply
    • Heather

      You are looking at this WAY too black and white. My husband is a fairly good husband and a pretty good dad. He doesn’t cheat, insult or beat me. HOWEVER, he is not nearly as driven as I am. It seems silly that out of all the good things he does that this one thing would make me want to leave him, but it does. You cannot fault women because husbands get lazy and forget the romance. We’ve babied men for too long. They think that they have to put in a good amount of work to catch the women of their dreams, but then all that work ends once life really begins. That’s false. I’m unhappy and it’s not because my husband is a bad guy. It’s because he’s not what I need. Don’t shame women because we aren’t willing to settle any longer.

      Reply
      • Kelly

        This is EXACTLY how I feel. He resents my ambition and wants to lead a “simple” life which is fine! For some. For others, it’s like dying inside. I’ve told him for a long time that I’m complex, and enigmatic, and driven and while these are my favorite qualities about myself I know it makes me hard to live with. He needs a simpleton and I don’t say that in a derogatory way at all. We are very mismatched. Have been for 13 years. I’m planning to ask for a separation next week. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone!

        Reply
          • Kelly

            Did you get a reply from Kelly or could we talk?
            I am Kelly, to…posted under the other Kelly’s post.

        • Kelly

          Hi Kelly. I am Kelly, too and going through the same thing right now. We are very different. I am the primary breadwinner (only breadwinner) and he thinks that doing chamber events and United Way events are self serving. If you are available, please contact me.

          Reply
    • Gina Schmitz

      Those statistics dont show all the reasons why women divorce or Go into detail and explain how their marriage became stale and boring, or why they were unhappy, or fell out of love. If their husbands stopped showing affection towards their wives but showed it to their female coworkers (without being flirtatious or cheating) would it be justified? Or showed more warmth, humor and loyalty to friends, men and women, than their wife is it justified then? If the wife is the sole income provider and is still expected to do all the housework (and doesn’t complain) but is never appreciated for it, is it justified then? People gradually change over time. It doesn’t make them monsters. They can still be good parents, providers, etc. but for whatever reason the relationship no longer works. You make it sound as if women simply throw in the towel and say, “okay, I’m done.” As the author said, it is an agonizing decision. Even if the subject may come up during an argument, nobody walks into an attorney’s office the next morning ready to file. Women spend a lot of time thinking before they follow through with divorce. Here’s a fact Bill- emotions and desires is exactly what we need to get a better understanding of especially when it comes to your spouse and your relationship. Because ultimately, that will better our lives.

      Reply
  4. Tami

    My husband is a man who saved me from the last husband who beat me, wouldn’t work, sniffed cocaine and had sex with both women and men. My current husband worked and actually had some business about himself. We dated many years, and while still married but separated from the first husband, we got pregnant with a little girl. I ended up completely divorcing my first husband and eventually married my current husband. After sometime, my current husband stopped working, chain smoked marijuana and was bitter and mean most of the time. I loved him, wanted him and felt indebted to him, so I stayed with him. I had 4 children with him and 3 prior to him. I wnt out and got a job, I also started doing taxes on the side for extra money since he wasn’t working. He didn’t cook, clean, get the kids ready for school, and I did. I worked, cleaned when I got home daily, helped with homework as I could, cooked dinner that I had to buy in my own for quite a few years. I cried a lot, complained, and it seemed I got on his nerve because I was now overwhelmed. After about 3 years of this activity, when I was pregnant with our last child who was a boy, my husband started helping out. He made beds and picked up lightly so I wouldn’t have so much to complain about when I got off work. Our little boy was born 2 month early and almost didn’t make it. I surly thought this would evoke sympathy and make my husband become a man. He looked for work and found a job, but our son got sick again, and I had already gone bk to work. I knew my husbands track record for keeping a job and his pay was going to be less than mine so I asked him to stay with our sick son and allow me to work because I’d NEVER quit as he had many times before. My husband kept our son until he was big enough for daycare and strong enough to fight off illnesses. He now cooks, cleans, takes the baby to daycare, does laundry and has made life easier for me…just one small detail tho, while struggling financially and watching him burn thru 30% of the money I made on marijuana, I met a man. This man is not a perfect man but one who has manifested love for me in ways I never knew imaginable or attainable. A few weeks ago, I told my husband I was in love with this man and I was going to continue to see him and talk to him as much as o could. My husband was destroyed because he made so many changes for the better. I told him if he would leave an give me time to sort thru my mess, I’d do my best to make things better for us one way or another. He wouldn’t leave, he said he’s not letting anyone destroy his family without a fight. I don’t want to leave him for another man but I’ve gotten so far out of this marriage that I can’t make myself come back to it. I just want to be happy. I want to be with someone who’s going to love me, assist me financially and help me grow. I don’t feel that with my husband anymore. My kids have suffered because dad and mom have been very neglectful of them and verbally abusive to them, me because I’m miserable, him because he behaves roughly by nature. I love my husband despite his flaws, but I believe I’m learning now to love myself and want better for me and my kids. My oldest three kids grew up to adults in this unhealthy environment and I don’t want the last 4 to have the same experience. I need help here, because I feel that guilt mentioned previously. My husband often reminds me that we have this beautiful family and that he needs to be turn us to help us grow. The thing is, I’m not growing, and I need out. Guilt won’t let me walk away but love won’t let me stay peacefully. Any advice, prayers or thoughts are welcomed and appreciated!

    Reply
  5. Veronica

    I left my husband, im not sure if it was the right decision. He cheated, i confroted him about it but he denied and we both know he did.Thinds are not the same anymore, i dont trust him, iam aleays going through his cell phone to check who he’s been communicating with. and i found out that he’s been having this conversations with another woman, not the one he cheated with. i remember in our early months of marriage his neighbours said they thanked me for being part of his life because before he changed woman like he changed socks. now im beggining to see that a leopard will never change its spot. He is emotionally abusive and wants to control me. its either his way or the high way, if you say NO to him he becomes this crazy person. i understood from a relative of his that he did not grow up very well. His step father threw him out of the house when he was young and his mother abodaned him. so he is carrying a lot of anger in him. i also learned that he did drugs and he did not disclose this when we got married.

    Reply
  6. Cedric

    Bill… you’re so right! I personnaly suffered from a wife that felt she “fell out of love”… basically because she “fell in love” with a douche. It’s really strange and self centered how women can so easily destroy everyone’s life so easily and so frequently. I’m not sure if it’s in the new society or what? I think that woman probably were always like that, it’s just the way we’re living now that makes their decision easier and almost normal. Sometimes, I believe we were a lot more happier in the old days where woman prioritized family values before their selfishness and always hunting for their happiness where they most likely will never find… They will look for it all their lives because the fairy tale just doesn’t exist! What’s happiness really? Nobody really knows and is seeking for it…. The other big issue is with social media where I see now how it can be destructive. People always look happy on social medias… They show you all the goods in their life, but not really the bad… And woman tends to compare themselves… They see others that are so happy and envy them… They are jealous… It always look greener on the neighbour’s lawn. Anyway, I meet a lot of woman lately and it’s always the same story! They were married, had small children less than 6 year old… All are saying they just felt unhappy, not in love anymore, but they had a good husband and had nothing bad to say about them! I rarely hear that from all my male friend that were dumped! It’s concerning! The good news is that there’s a better chance I will meet a woman that has passed her mid thirtys crisis and will be ready to build a real relationship with ups and downs and don’t quit for the next douchebag pumping iron at the gym because he likes seeing other man sweat in their assholes. That’s my opinion!

    Reply
    • Andrew

      Marriage is a commitment and unless you are there is abuse, addiction issues, or down serious Problem… There should be a serious Effort to reconnect… Especially if there are children… Look up Mort Fortel… Marriage Fitness..

      I have an unhappy wife, she had the affair, is surrounded by terrible friends and family… And is repeating the cycle is BS her abusive father and mother have perpetuated in their family… A group of arrogant people who refuse to get help… We used marriage counseling after her affair and she asked me to have another child… Now within a year of her abusive father died, I am getting the unhappy blah blah blah…

      You don’t invest in your marriage it can not get better..

      If you fell in love with someone else… You clearly aren’t being a dedicated spouse with healthy boundaries…

      Falling in love is easy… Staying connected takes work…

      We live in a non-committee society of quitters… And children are not livestock to move around…

      The best parents teach their children how t love their other parent…

      I don’t feel happy or not in love anymore is a factor of lack of effort and failure to commit and prioritize the marriage..

      The name of this page alone is scary…

      I have been seeing the counselor my wife and saw for over a year as she has gone through her roller coaster ride of quitting the ‘trying’ for 5 cycles in 12 months…

      He said your wife doesn’t know how to love anyone else because she doesn’t know how to love herself…

      The commited husband is in counseling.. The the physically, mentally, and emotionally abused child, and adulterous spouse refuses to get help for herself to give her kids a better life…

      Be strong and courageous and seek help for yourself and your marriage… It’s better for everyone in the long run… Do some research and look at facts and statistics…

      We can do better as a nation if people stopped being so selfish.. Which is never me times in marriage vows…

      Reply
      • Cami

        Why are there men commenting on this board??? Like you guys could ever understand what we go through as women??? Yea a marriage takes work but some women up here have been struggling for years w/ the decision to leave or stay…What you guys don’t realize is you actually have to have an emotional connection w/ your spouse to remain in love/happy. Times have changed and women aren’t just going to live their lives unhappy for years because their husband is considered a “good man” in society’s eyes. Kids also suffer in these “love less” homes. They will grow up and also think it’s ok to be in a “love less” relationship because it’s comfortable. If you don’t love your spouse anymore or see him as just a friend and your unhappy why live your life like that? If statistics show women are the ones that initiate a divorce 70% of the time maybe all you men up here need to get together and figure out what y’all are doing that is causing your wives to fall out of love and want to leave you!!!!

        Reply
        • Mel

          Exactly Cami!!! Guys should not be commenting on this board as they have NO CLUE that most of us who are even contemplating the thought of divorce aren’t entering into it lightly. It’s never as easy as “I fell out of love” or “I’m just not happy anymore”. I’ve tried to explain my feelings to my husband countless times but he always dismisses me. I’ve brought up going to counseling and he thinks it’s a waste of time. He repeatedly tells me he wants his “old wife” back, the girl who didn’t express her opinions or thoughts, the girl who just went with the flow to avoid conflict. He has a real problem with me voicing my opinion especially if it doesn’t agree with his. And the question I always get is “why”. Why don’t you want to drink every night with me anymore, why do you want to go to the gym, are you trying to go back to school. Why why why? My feelings are wrong, his are right. Always. So yes I’m contemplating not being with someone who obviously would benefit from a relationship with someone else more subservient. I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. We only get one shot at this time spent on this rock spinning around the sun. Why spend it being miserable?

          Reply
        • Brandon

          As a man going thru this as i had posted earlier. Is to try to get an understanding as to what the problem is. I can see how u can fall out of love. U cannot control how u feel. But if thats the case then y ever be with someone and marry them giving the vow of for better or worse if when worse does come i.e. “Falling out of love”. U walk instead of working on it thats what taking the vow is. Its easier to be selfish and walk away then to work on it

          Reply
        • Joseph

          Women wants something unattainable, which is full happiness from a husband. Men are after something that is taken away. Expectations for a future that doesn’t exist until after it’s achieved. Unhappiness is in everything you may do. Appreciate yourself for what you put into it. You study and have to learn about marriage. Divorce due to unhappiness when the other spouse is happier being with you. Being unhappy frustrate and hurts. You won’t be happy with anyone else, but you will be happier with not only yourself but your marriage after putting together the pieces for you to even consider staying married. Positive achievement is the beginning of happiness with out destroying hope.

          Reply
        • Raymond

          let me guess, you contemplated the decision for years, struggling…..but didn’t say a word……thought so. Take some responsibility. It takes two, and me ARE NOT MIND READERS. Just like your man cant fix it by himself now, neither could you. whats the definition of insanity?

          Reply
  7. David

    My W dropped the bomb on me last July. She filed for D in Aug and moved out in Oct. We had been married 29 years and have 4 great young adult kids. There have been many reasons she has given for wanting the D but it all comes down to “she has no feelings for me and does not love me.’ She has taken zero steps to try to work things out and we have mediation scheduled this week and likely the D will be final shortly thereafter. Neither of us are without fault. I have taken this time to make changes and do anything I know to save my marriage. She has done nothing but be angry, mean and cold. I try to be loving and kind but it is so hard when her actions are causing so much sorrow to me, our kids, families and friends

    Reply
  8. TheTruthTheTruth

    Very sad pathetic loser women out there these days making all kinds of excuses to leave their marriage.

    Reply
  9. Cindy

    Wow I didn’t know this was so common. I myself am in a situation like this. I am 25 years old my husband is 35 and we have been married for six years , we have a four year old daughter. I don’t work, he bought me a brand new car , and basically he is a good husband and father. I don’t know if he has ever cheated but I have never caught him . I have been having an affair with a younger guy and I just don’t feel the same about my husband anymore. There is nothing he can do that will change that . I have decided to leave him soon and I know it will break his heart , but if I stay I will be unhappy forever. Now I feel the need to be with younger men, my husband makes me feel old and like life is over

    Reply
    • Eric

      Huge mistake.

      1st of all. All things worth while, are hard. All great accomplishments are mired in difficulty. Commitments are the antithesis of discipline. Playing sports at a college or university, not quitting on your team mates… fucking hard. Playing a musical instrument well… fucking hard. Earning a degree… hard. Being a quality parent … super hard.

      Imagine you were in your husbands place & he was in yours. You work & provide, he screws some hoe, then blames you for feeling some vague negative thing like feeling old. How would you feel about that?

      Imagine yourself in 10 years looking back on today. What choices would you be most content with making? Raising your child in a loving intact home? Running off with your BF?

      You have some serious issues. People age. Blaming others for your negativity is wrong. Why do you feel the way you do? Why do you act the way you do? Don’t know? That’s a real problem, introspection is key to self awareness & happiness.

      It doesn’t help that pop culture values nothing that brings true happiness.

      You’ll regret this for your whole life, or worse, you’ll live in denial of your regret which over time will eat away at your spirit.

      Reply
      • Joseph

        Damn straight. To many seen and unforseen consequences for your selfishness. Unless physical abuse is present or adultery, try counseling first on all matters. Give 6month to a year and you better be involved in it. Don’t put the children first. You two made them, they didn’t make you two. Spouse first.

        Reply
    • Nikki

      Cindy, I am in a similar situation. I am 27, my husband is 36. We have been together for 4 years, but only married for 6 months. We have a 3 year old daughter. I got pregnant 3 months into our relationship and I was devastated, as I never wanted children. Of course, now my daughter is the center of my life. She is also the sole reason I have stayed with my husband. He is a great father, and a wonderful husband. But something hasn’t felt right since the beginning. I always stayed because I didn’t want my daughter to come from a broken home. Even during our engagement I knew deep down it wasn’t right, even as I walked down the aisle I had my doubts. Now that we are married I feel so trapped and inknow I have made a huge mistake. But I don’t know what to do now. He provides for us financially, and I make good money on my own but together our daughter would never want for anything. But I just don’t love him, I don’t know that I ever have. So now I have to decide to stay or keep pretending to be a happy little family and slowly die inside, at the ripe young age of 27.

      Reply
  10. Sarah Coleman

    My life was destroyed when my husband sent me packing, after 13 years we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to my husband back to me. One day at work, I was distracted, not knowing that my boss called me, so he sat and asked me what it was all about, I told him and he smiled and said it was no problem. I never understood what he meant by it was no problem getting back my husband, he said he used a spell to get back his wife when she left him for another man, and now they are together till date and initially I was shocked hearing something from my boss. He gave me an email address of the Prophet Abuvia which helped him get his wife back, I never believed that this would work, but I had no choice coming into contact with the sayings that I get done, and he asked for my information and that my husband was able to propose to throw him the spell and I sent him the details, but after two days, my mother called me that my husband was pleading that he wants me back, I never believed, because it was just a dream and I had to rush off to my mother’s place and to my greatest surprise, was kneeling my husband beg me for forgiveness that he wants me and the child back home, when I gave prophet Abuvia a conversation regarding sudden change of my husband and he made clear to me that my husband will love me until the end of the world, that he will never leave for another woman. Now me and my husband is back together and started doing funny things he has not done before, he makes me happy and do what it is supposed to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind need, please contact Prophet Abuvia for help. His email is prophet.abuvia@gmail.com his website is prophetabuviasolutiontemple.webs.com

    Reply
  11. doris brown

    hi, am Doris, i had my friend help me hack my ex’s email, facebook, whatsapp,and his phone cause i suspected he was cheating. all he asked for was a his phone number. he’s email is (cyberlord7714@gmail.com)..IF u need help tell him Doris, referred you to him and he’ll help. Am sure his going to help you do it, good luck

    Reply
  12. james agnes

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    Reply
  13. Lisa David

    My name is Lisa David from USA. My Husband left me few months ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 4 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been depress for months and what i need is to get him back and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.DAN and explain my problems to him and he cast a reunite spell for me which i use to get my Husband back and now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the relationship. and i am truly grateful to this man,his contact email is blessedspellhome@hotmail.com Thank you very much and i am extremely grateful Tel: +13109813315.And there is know evil attach to his spell. it will only make your relationship very stronger. Via web sit:

    Reply
  14. mason carlton

    After being in relationship for 10 years,my husband broke up with me all was in
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    Reply
  15. Sarah Davis

    If you no longer love your husband why should you be with him, and hate him every day and hate him more and more you see him? I met my husband over 20 years ago, we have been married for more than 15 and have two teenage children. We have not touched each other in over 6 years, he repulses me I don’t want to look at him or be anywhere near him. I have hated him and been miserable for the last 8 years but have stuck with it thinking it will get better not worse. But each day is worse and worse, and from all the other comments above especially the men and obvious Christians no matter what we are suppose to be unhappy and miserable. We got a letter from the bank over 10 years ago that we had over drafted my husband was not working, and he had no plans to look for work because he had excuse after excuse and everything was my fault, from the items I bought, to bills, to this to that. BTW I was the one paying the bills and managing the accounts because he couldn’t. I hit the streets looking for work, I took a part time position at a shop, then was able to build up my career from there, and the entire time my husband did nothing but blame me that he didn’t have time to look for work because he had to raise the kids. I come home to a hopeless miserable depressed person. A month ago I told him I want a divorce that I no longer love him and I have not loved him. Our kids deserve to be with happy parents not miserable. Why is it okay for men to leave women but never for a women to leave? He has refused to leave, and all the sudden started looking, but guess what he can’t find anything, surprise, no another excuses, and now he tries to be around me even more and wants me to do stuff with him, I hate him I don’t want to be around him I want him out.

    Reply
  16. Rose

    I am going through the same situation, except I am the breadwinner of the family. I have 2 children 1 17 yr old and a 2 yr old. My husband was hurt from an accident and has been hurt since it happened in 2009. When I get home all he ever talks about how much he is in pain, while taking care of our son. I know it takes a village to raise a child and he is an amazing father, but as a husband I have been neglected, felt ugly everyday along with mental and emotional issues I have been struggling all my life. He does not make me feel beautiful and never has. I fell in love with someone across the other side of the map. He happens to be EVERYTHING I have always wanted. He says all the right words and always at the right moment. For the first time ever, I did not feel used. I felt beautiful to someone. I felt loved and I love this man with all my heart. He did come to visit me for a few days knowing that I can only spend the day with me because I have been hiding our relationship. I can not tell family or close friends my husband and I share about what is going on. I will soon be telling my teenage daughter because she is the heart and soul of the family. I know she can be strong and she has the right to know. Anyway, I feel like a horrible person, because I LOVE my son and leaving him is like ripping my heart out of my body. I am scared that everyone will hate me for leaving him and assume I do not love him. I love him with all my heart, and he is a miracle. But my husband would never let me take him and I know taking my son away from him will destroy him. I will be leaving my family without income. I do not want to leave my family in that position, but I am dying inside every day. To the point where my mind and heart is like a Zombie, I do not care anymore for myself, like I have given up on happiness. Everyone friend who marries I am jealous of their relationships. I had accepted that I will never be able to experience that. I gained weight, my health was getting worse. I just didn’t care anymore and sometimes although the love for my children stopped me, I just wanted to stop breathing. I want to be happy, but I want my children to still be part of my life. I am afraid my husband will fight for full custody, but I will fight to make sure I share custody. Even the man I am not in love is eager to to have them part of my life with him. I am torn and I do not have the strength and support of anyone. I am not a bad person, but what I will be doing will be hurting so many. I do not know what to do.

    Reply
  17. Celina

    Its the day after Xmas here in DE and i am strongly considering divorce my husband 28 has completely changed since our marriage.. we dated and he just seemed so “right”… he military we are stationed here from the US … i feel resentment towards hm because he hid his true self from me till i moved here with him he is not financially responsible not a good provider and a terrible procrastinator we’ve been without a working vehicle because he is too lazy to get things done he bitches like a 10 year old when we go grocery shopping he doesn’t like doing anything out of his schedule “work play video games days at a time dips his money away” he’s just not the person i fell for and i feel like I’ve made a huge mistake i had a career a home my own vehicle before i met him and moved for him i shifted my whole life for him and it feels like I’m cutting off a limb of his anytime i want him to do anything that is expected from a husband …. I’m ready to walk out and i want to keep my things everything in this house was mine before i met him the furniture the household goods he doesn’t have shit to his name any advise

    Reply
  18. FoxE

    I am in the same situation with you women. It’s like our roles are reversed. Because he’s a barber, he’s always at home. He maybe works 15 hrs a week compared to my 40 plus. He’s not driven to do more he wants to. I file a month ago, and he doesn’t want to leave. We have 3 kids. I do everything with them, while he hangs out with friends. I justvdon’t love him like that anymore. To give up 16 years of this to him is crazy. But, more than half of that time has not been good. So, i’m getting my happy back.

    Reply
  19. Kimberly Lewis

    Hi guys, do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? Or you want to get access to your kids’ or employees phones? Contact finessehackers@gmail.com to help spy on their cell phone or computer remotely, he’s quick and efficient.

    Don’t forget to say Kimberly referred you, I’m sure he’ll help.

    Reply
  20. Alves

    This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been
    married 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a
    spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where this man DR GREAT (powerfulexback@gmail.com) have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids asking for forgiveness and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self without any delay, His email: (powerfulexback@gmail.com)

    Reply
  21. earl

    This is an interesting thread. My wife fell out of love with me, and I wish she would leave. I tried for over a year to make things work with her, but she’s perfectly happy seeing her married, cheating boyfriend once a week and wants us to stay together for the kids. I’d prefer to sell our house and go our separate ways, and she’s fighting me on that. I recognize a lot of thoughts expressed by wives here and wish I could go back in time and do things differently. We have two great kids, but we focused too much on them and not each other. Our current state is awful. She won’t lift a finger to save our marriage, but will go to great lengths to destroy another woman’s family. Don’t worry, though, Chuck Cheater says his wife is a witch, so it’s all OK. This is a complete nightmare with no end in sight.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I’m so sorry. This is a horrible situation that is very very unfair to you. What is stopping you from going through with the divorce? the kids? I don’t know your situation or how old your kids are, but you and your wife arent’ doing them any favors by living the way you are. Trust me, your kids know the deal. They just do. Shame on your wife. I wish you all the best.

      Reply
  22. Tamara

    My current siutation: I have been married about 2.5 years, I am 30 years old and I feel like I am going through a major life transition. I finally realize what I want out of life and I do not believe is in line with what my husband wants out of life, though I bet he would beg to differ. He is the kind of man who brushes off any serious conversation. he has very little drive or zest for life. He is not depressed, this is his happy pace- complacency. I have been supporting us financially for all of our relationship. he worked odd jobs for 5 years – was out fo work for 7 months with very little ambition and then a great job landed in his lap about a year ago. However still, our saving account is my savings account, I pay almost all joint utilities and all groceries. He does pay half the mortgage but the house was purchased by me (in his hometown 3 hours from my family), with my money, before we got married. I am extremely independant and driven and can not stand someone being so dependant on me when they are a grown man. I have come to the realization that I do not feel traditional narriage is for me. he deserves someone who wants to meander through life at his pace. I deserve someone who wants to travel the worls, be outside, and experience as much as possible. I am a very fulfilled hospice nurse and I live my life to the fullest- we only have one. We do not have a deep emotional connection. It began to die about 3 years ago when I lost one of my closest male friends to suicide. He supported me for about 2 day and then got on my case for “still crying”. “how much longer is this going to go one for” comments. I continued to cry and grieve- though in the privacy of my shower. He also would not let me have a charm that once belonged to my deceased friend, made into jewlery since I would be wearing something from another man, he felt it was inappropriate. I am by no means a perfect wife, I fill my life with things that bring me joy, spending time with friends, snowboarding, the gym, hiking, traveling. Very seldom does he join in these activities. Our lives are parallel, but we do sit on the couch and watch a show together every night and share laughs. He is charismatic and people love him, we have fun dancing at weddings but the sexual connection dies a long time ago- only having sex once every 6-8 weeks, if that. I believe we are both good people but not right for eachother. I am back in counseling by myself to work through this decision-any thoughts from anyone on this situation.

    Reply
    • Maria

      Tamara, i’m in the same situation as you. All he wants to do is watch TV. And i want to get out there, see the world with him, learn new things. I want to study and get even better job while he is just fine with his “here and there” job. I’m tired of trying to get him out there, i’m tired of pushing him, i’m tired of wanting simple things but not getting them because he doesn’t want them. I’m feeling like my life is just going past me. Please tell me, what is your situation? Did you leave? Or keep working on the marriage? Thank you!

      Reply
  23. Bobby

    The entire “Guilt” paragraph really resonated with me. A lot of people are kind of afraid to tackle that topic but I’m glad you put it in the article.

    Reply
  24. Sara

    OMG I can’t believe I’ve found people in the same boat as me! Decent husband, good provider but I am dying every day of emotional neglect. I don’t really think we were ever “in love” but I cried for help dozens of times, dragged him to counseling, but he didn’t take me seriously I guess. He used to get pissed off a lot in our sessions together when I would tell him our relationship is dying a slow death and we need to do something about it now! We have been separated and “nesting” for about 11 months now and are at a crossroads. I don’t want to lose my family and going it alone would be so difficult but I cannot imagine just tolerating my life until I die. We are going through a LOT of major transitions right now so this is a terrible time but I simply can’t fake it anymore. And HE deserves something better. He really does! He should not settle for the little I can offer him either! Life is meant to be lived!

    Reply
  25. Karen

    Im currently in a situation where I am ready to divorce my husband. We’ve been together for 10 years and have been married for 2.5years. We don’t have any kids. I’m divorcing him because I feel rejected, alone, and unwanted. About 6 months after we got married, we had decided try and have kids. Over the next few months, we were having intimacy issues. He would give me excuses as to why he didn’t want to be intimate with me and when he did, he couldn’t finish and lost the feeling in the middle of it which made me feel like I did something wrong. What really hurt me was when I caught him watching porn in our bedroom. If he was in the mood, he should have just come to me ( in the other room) rather than lay there watching porn. I kept asking him, what can I do to make things better… do I need to lose weight? Do I need to change my body to be like those women on porn? I even offered to watch it with him. But he couldn’t give me an answer to why he decided to watch porn than be intimate with me, kept telling me not to change, but never showed me that I was enough. For our first year anniversary, I gave him an album of boudoir photos that I took. I have a low self esteem and so it was hard for me to do this, but it was my last attempt to spark something, anything. In Dec of 2015 I became depressed, I cried all the time, stopped eating for weeks, and it wasn’t until I was close to ending my life that my friend dragged me to see a pastoral care therapist who helped me see a therapist. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage therapist since Jan 2016 and while I hoped that it would make things better, it’s actually made me realize how unmatched we are in other things, not just intamacy. Recently, he confessed that he doesn’t see being intimate as important in a relationship as I do. And while that may be good for him, that isn’t what I want. Counseling has also shown me that I have not forgiven him for the hurt he caused me in the beginning of our relationship 10 years ago when he was talking to another woman while dating me and lying to me about it. The more sessions we’ve been in, the more distant I’ve become and the more unhappy I’ve been in the relationship. I cringe every time my husband comes near me. My whole body gets stiff when he tries to hug me. We haven’t kissed, held hands, or had any type of intimacy since 2015. I have a hard time even answering him nicely or hold a conversation. A few months ago I started seeing a therapist for myself to work through my emotions and make sure that I’m making a decision properly. Even after that, im still with the same decision to leave my husband. ive been unhappy for a long time and I’m sure that my husband is unhappy now. I keep worrying about after the divorce, will he be able to find someone who can love him the way he needs? I worry about our friends and families. I feel guilty that this will hurt him. Am I supposed to put aside my happiness and stay in this just to make him happy and keep the normalcy of our friends and family? But then how will I have kids? I can hardly sit next to him, touch him, even hold hands. I don’t want to make it seem like he hasn’t tried to make things better though. It wasn’t until around June of last year did he realize that things were bad with us. He’s been nicer, always cooks dinner, has bought me flowers, but he also cannot make a decision on anything now. I think he’s worried he’ll make a wrong decision so he always asks me what to do for any and all things from what color socks he should wear to his birthday plans. I know he’s been trying to make things better, but it doesn’t seem to change the way I feel. I still have a repulsive action when he comes near me. Almost everything annoys me. I can’t be the wife he needs me to be. I failed the marriage.

    Reply
    • Heidi

      Karen, just checking in on you! I feel the same way about my husband, don’t want to kiss him or touch him and I don’t even want to think about having sex with him. I feel so guilty about it, but I to want a divorce.

      Reply
  26. Penny

    I’m kind of in the same boat. My husband is an “ok” father. He gets a passing grade of C+ when it comes to our kids. He loves them but is extremely selfish with his time. He doesn’t enjoy family time at all. He won’t go to amusement parks or movies or anywhere really, unless I force it. And he doesn’t do anything much for our special needs child – like its too hard for him or he gets embarrassed.
    He also gets a just passing grade as a husband, C-. He is a hard worker and takes care of the house. I have to give him that. The problem is that he is a SUPER controlling, bad tempered, always in a bad mood person. He stresses out about everything. The kids see it and comment that Daddy is always mad. Our love life is kind of still there but I don’t enjoy things at all. I almost feel like he avoids intimacy as well. We’ve been in and out of counseling for TEN years now. Married 16 years. It hasn’t helped and he won’t change.
    Another problem is that he is a cold person when someone is injured, he’ll help but he will be resentful and mean while doing it. I have developed some major medical issues which he is not dealing well with. I may be in a wheelchair in 20 years and I have to look forward to this cold, resentful man to take care of me. I feel trapped in the marriage because I don’t know if anyone would want someone like me with my condition (even tho its not bad right now and may not get bad at all). I’m good looking and still young-ish that I could land another person if only the medical issues weren’t there.
    I’m unhappy and I feel like I’m running out of time (my youth) to find another. I’m going to see a counselor but I feel like the only way out is divorce.

    Reply
  27. Keith Collister

    I mirror many comments here about the love that was once there. The raising of the kids was great. We were both involved. Her moreso than me towards the end of high school for the youngest. My work hours were atrocious but I did provide and I was very handy with the vehicles and house repair. Even cooking when her job lasted into dinner hours. She decided she wanted to replace a deceased pet(dog) with another that I was not fond of. She decided to sleep in another bed because I wouldn’t allow the dog in the bed. Probably sounds trivial but our relationship died with my no dog in the bed rule and her choosing to sleep with a dog instead of me. No sex in 10 years. It’s over. Like stated earlier, life is too short. I lost feelings for her. Both of us deserve someone that will love them. She has twice mentioned divorce during disagreements. I’ve been miserable for years just existing but her idle mention of divorce as a threat or to just simply get her way is coming to fruition. She’ll get what she threatened. I am so lonely and have only recently made a close friend from a long time acquaintance. I am very lucky she is there for me and it will never be more than friends. I would enjoy talking to others though to explain more of my reasoning for deciding to follow through with divorce. I need help in how and what to say when I tell her I’ve decided to divorce. I would greatly appreciate email, texting and maybe even a friendly voice. Wcollister on gmail.

    Reply
  28. Byron

    All these comments and articles have shown me a 29 year old man why bother getting married I mean I was frightened by what I hears from stories about bachelorette / hen parties and due the fact I was raped as a child by a male stripper but this article and and the comments on it have shown me no matter how hard I try in a relationship and or marriage I’ll fail no matter what half of the women here have wonderful marriages and are with wonderful men and act like children towards their husbands and I am really get sick by all this thank you ladies you’ve shown me not to bother with marriage or love thank you for making my heart grow so very cold and dead thank you for making me dead inside ? and yes I’m a man.

    Reply
  29. Anon

    Yes, just emotionally beat and abuse your husband, then get rid of your guilt by blaming him for your faults and your leaving. Brilliant.
    Most marriages are destroyed by women.

    Reply
  30. JJ

    What I see hear are a few insurmountable issues but mostly, a lot of terribly selfish people with their values out of whack. Before you pile on, I’ve been there, only my husband was far from blameless. Ending the marriage, since he had broken the vows anyway, was only logical. Unfortunately, due to a complex business situation and overly entangled assets, we were stuck in the same big house during the housing market crash … and resolved to live separately, civilly, and under the same (thankfully spacious) roof until the economy began to recover. We lived on separate sides of the house he had the guest master suite, office and basement rec room / man cave while I had the family room, master suite and my office and craft rooms. I installed a pair of solid doors with deadbolts to break up the space and provide both of us to have our privacy — so essentially we shared a kitchen, laundry room, garage and the outdoor entertainment spaces. At first it felt awkward, after a few weeks of careful mutual respect and some intentional avoidance , we both relaxed into our own areas and concentrated on our own lives. Any social lives we might have had were conducted elsewhere and one or both of us was often away on social weekends — within a couple of months we realized it wasn’t so hard, signed papers to finalize the divorce while leaving the marital assets entangled with a management agreement in place for the duration of the great recession and sluggish recovery. Under the agreement, either of us could move out or stay, but the fixed costs were to be divided between us unless otherwise mutually agreed. Until there was a reason neither of us wanted the additional costs of temporary housing, so we both adapted. A year later we had stopped the intentional avoidance for the most part but we still lived separate lives … I was in a relationship with an old flame but was hesitant about commitment and I think he may have had similar issues, but we never discussed our personal lives and lived peacefully as room mates. Once in a while we would both be there and one or the other might offer to share their meal or some other random courtesy, and then the strangest thing started happening — we started to become friends again, but very slowly. His battery died and I offered him a ride to the auto parts store, one of my dogs got sick while I was working and he called me and took it to the vet — small kindnesses accumulated until about a year and a half after the divorce we travelled together to a family event, although we stayed at different hotels. On the way back we took a spontaneous side trip to see a national park a few miles out of the way, had a pleasant lunch, and ended up having a good day together — our first in years! Gradually we started intentionally began spending a little time together. A year later, we decided we needed to give it another try, and we did — that was eight years ago and we’ve re-opened a door we didn’t believe even existed anymore. By the time the markets recovered we remarried instead of dividing our marital estate per the agreement we never breached.

    Reply
  31. ConcernedMan

    Hello Jackie, In your article you wrote, “Leaving someone takes guts. Be proud that you are doing what’s right for your children and yourself, and that you left and didn’t take the easy way out by staying, maybe because he has money, or because it was comfortable.”

    Leaving is EASY. It consists of packing your stuff and walking away from your problems. Anyone can do it (with the exception of someone who is mentally abused). However, in your example, the guy is a “good husband”. I’m going through a situation where my wife is deciding if she wants to leave or stay. Asking her to say takes GUTS, asking her to share with me takes GUTS for both of us, hearing her say the words, “I’m not in love with you any more” takes GUTS, watching her cry takes GUTS, going to therapy to learn about why she feels this way takes GUTS..

    STAYING TOGETHER is the HARD thing to do and takes “GUTS”. Walking away is the easy way out. The pseudo advice you give is positioning women who are at their most vulnerable stage just so you can get MORE advertising revenue on your blog. Shame on you.

    Ladies, if you aren’t going to mean what you say when you swear an oath before God and all your friends, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part”, then just say NO when he asks you to marry him and save everyone the heartache.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I very much feel for what you are going through. It’s gut-wrenchingly painful. But, no one has any idea what goes on in someone else’s marriage except for the two people in it. So, there should be no judgment to those who leave or stay. As far as my ad revenues, I have built my business on writing advice to try to make people happier. That’s it. I try to help them to be happier, whether that means staying or leaving for them. It is their decision–never mine. I also recently wrote a blog called “Should this woman get divorced? Hell no.” You might want to read that before judging me.

      https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/should-this-woman-get-divorced-hell-no/

      I wish you and your wife all the best in making the right decision and I hope it works out the way you want.

      Reply
  32. Tanya

    My husband and I have been together for 21 years … We lived together for 4 years and have been married for 17 years … I plan to file for divorce wthin the next couple of weeks … I haven’t yet told him … I dread the conversation, mainly because his temper scares me … He’s not physically abusive to me and he treats me well for the most part…. We just have no connection .. We have no intimacy of any kind… He had some health issues a few years back and we no longer have sex … We hardly touch at all … We don’t hug or hold hands … We don’t touch at all in the bed… (It’s a really large bed) … I’ve told him that I need a connection… I need to feel that intimacy…His response was if you want me to take a viagra let me know ..Seriously…Another issue for me is with his attitude toward my son and the rest of the world in general … I’m always having to take sides between him and my son, even when I try to stay neutral, and it’s been like that since my son was 8 years old … My husband is very pushy … His way is the only way and if you don’t agree with him that’s your problem… There’s no discussion and no compromise … Even going to the grocey store with him is challenging…I’m on edge every time we go anywhere because I know it’s very likely that he will get into some sort of confrontation with someone, about something, before we get back home … It happens all the time … Parking spaces, people entering exit doors, people laughing too loud, people with loud children … There’s always something and he always feels like he has the right to push his opinion onto other people … I don’t enjoy outings with him at all… He’s overly aggressive in everything he does .. I’ve tred to talk to him about it … I’ve told him how it makes me feel … Nothing changes …
    I know in my heart that I never should have married him… When I think back on our entire relationship something so simple comes to mind… There was a moment, in the very beginning, where he did something that in retrospect should have been like a flashing neon sign … I used to go out every weekend with my sister and friends … We would have a few drinks and go dancing… There was this song they use to play in the club that we went to, the dj would play it especially for me, because he knew I loved to dance to that song … From what I could tell, guys loved to dance with me to that song … The first time I danced with my now husband to that song, he grabbed my hips and told me to slow down that I was moving too fast for the music … I know it’s silly, but that moment sums up for me how the next 20 years were going to go … The fact that we were completely incompatible on the dance floor should have been a warning …
    For some reason I’ve never been able to stand up for myself with him, even though I am what I would define as a strong person in any other context .. He is my 2nd husband and maybe I just didn’t want to admit I made a mistake for a long time … But I’ve come to realize that at my age now (47) I’m more concerned with finding my own happiness than with caring about what people think .. I take responsibility for the choices I’ve made … I cheated on him in 2004 and we separted for almost 2 years .. We should have divorced then … But after my sister passed away in 2006 we got back together, although we never really had a conversation about anything, we just sort of moved back in together .. We went on for several years with me walking on eggshells and him taking advantage of it .. But I’m the one that didn’t walk away … Then a little over 3 years ago he became the biggest cliche there is … He started going to the gym and lost weight … I swear I recognized the signs almost immediately … But it took me about 2 months to prove he was cheating … He had profiles on Tinder, POF, and a few other sites … But he said he wanted to work on our marriage so we talked everything out over and over … I should have left then, but I didn’t … But 3 years down the road I know I don’t love him, not like I should … I’m definitely not in love with him … There’s nothing to hold on to … He doesn’t love me although he won’t admit that … We don’t say I love you to each other and haven’t for a very long time … He pecks me on the lips when he leaves for work and when he comes in … We don’t talk about feelings or emotions .. But we can converse about football or hockey or what the neighbors have been doing … I’m not cheating on him and at this point I’m not at all interested in seeing anyone … I just want to find a way to be happy and I know that’s not with him .. I feel drained … I’m not angry… I don’t hate him …. I just feel nothing for him ….I’ve known it for a long time but I’m finally admitting it …. I’ve made so many mistakes … I just want it to be over….. I don’t want to hurt him but I am determined to do this .. I do feel some guilt, but it’s nothing compared to the knot that I feel in the pit of my stomach every time he makes my son feel unwelcome in what is supposed to be our home.. Or the embarrassment I feel when he makes condescending remarks to my family or friends…. I’ll always carry regret for staying in this situation as long as I have but, I am going to find my way out …

    Reply
  33. kate

    I know that people will complain about their marriage, and their relationship, especially the women, usually complains that her husband does not love her anymore, her husband cheats on her and even her husband left her, I had a very similar case with them, my husband left me with my two kids for no reason, he said his no longer in loves with me, He walk away for about 5 months, he never called me or the kids, I had a girlfriend, who had a similar case like mine, but her husband is with her now, I told her about my problems I was facing, she told me about a man that helped her resolve her problems, she introduced me to priest manuka, who actually helped me with his great powers to recall back my husband within 7 days, but today am proud enough to testify about him for what he has done for me is not easy to be a single mom, today my heart is filled of joy and peace of mind, may the GOD’S be with you and bless you for the smile you have put in my face…Contact him for help his temple is real he will talk with you on video for guidelines via email::lovesolutiontemple1@gmail.com hangout is priest manuka .THANKS

    Reply
  34. 50+lady

    I have been married for 26 years and separated for 3 months. My husband is great looking, hard working, very generous, and supportive. He is an amazing person in so many ways. He also really loves me and wants our marriage to work which I do truly appreciate.
    However, here is the history and the reason for the disconnect: At year 22 of our marriage, I found out that he had been having an affair with a good friend of ours for years; not only that, he had had an affair with a former neighbor who was my friend and babysat our son. I forgave him of all of this and I thought we had moved on into a good place in our life only to find out that after moving back to his hometown, he was having an affair with an old girlfriend. I don’t think they were together physically but I watched the sexting and porn she would send. I caught him twice in this relationship, and I finally left.
    In my gut, I don’t think I have or will get back the love I should have for someone I’m married to or get back any desire to be with him sexually, but now that he is fully committed and wants me back so badly, I’m the one who feels guilty and is afraid of making a mistake. I could go on with other circumstances surrounding this, but just from this past history alone, does anyone think I should still try working on this?

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Wow. Why on earth would you even feel one bit guilty for considering leaving a man who cheated on you, not once, but MULTIPLE TIMES?! Anyone who loves and cares about you will tell you that the only way you should give your husband another chance is if the two of you go to counseling on a consistent basis for several weeks. I think I counted four affairs. Right? Hmmm… Ask yourself if you deserve better. I guarantee that your answer will wipe away any guilt you have. What I’m trying to say is, cheating is unacceptable. I don’t care if he has every other wonderful quality on earth. It is a dealbreaker. Unless you seriously explore why he keeps doing it and the only way to do that is in therapy. Hope that helps.

      Reply
    • Rebecca

      Unfortunately I think you are better off without him. Hope you can move on and heal.

      Reply
  35. Rebecca

    Hi I’m Rebecca i have been married for 25 years together 30. Am i happy most of the time
    Like most of you have said abound your spouse my husband is a good father and a good man. Our relationship has changed as it should. When people are together for many years you will get bored life is monotonous. But to me that is not a reasons to give up. A new relationship with give you everything you desire. Passions, holding hands making love etc. But really after you are in that relationship for a while just like your first one it becomes boring and monotonous. When that happens do you move on again. Most people take each other for granted when that happens you can begin to drift apart. If both of you want the relationship it can be salvaged but if you don’t, just remember the next relationship you have might be worse than the one you had with your husband. Yes it could also be the best thing thats happened to you but that doesn’t always happen. My husbands sister left her husband he cheated, so i don’t blame her for leaving but she is re-married now and is more miserable than she was with her first husband. Good luck

    Reply

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