What Father’s Day Means To An Ex-Wife

Father with son biking

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

When I think of Father’s Day, I think of my father and always will. But there is another father who is very important on Father’s Day: my ex-husband. Why is he important? Because he is my children’s father.

Maybe you are newly separated and this is your first Father’s Day being separated. Or maybe you are already divorced, and you dread Father’s Day because your kids go off with Dad and you are home alone and feeling lonely. Or, maybe you are considering divorce and wonder how Father’s Day would actually work if you pulled the trigger.

Well, I’ll tell you. Father’s Day is about being a father and nothing else. Father’s Day is a day for dads, but it’s also a day for kids to show their love and appreciation for dad.

So, what does Father’s Day mean for an ex-wife? 4 things:

1. You got Mother’s Day, now it’s Dad’s turn. So, for today, try to bury all those feelings of resentment, anger, and other negative thoughts about him, and let him have his recognition, his time with the kids. Let him have a nice day. Why? Not because you forgive him and are going to pretend he did nothing wrong. Because today is about your kids, too.

Your kids are looking forward to giving their dad a handmade card, or cookies, or a gift card, or going out for breakfast or lunch or dinner with him. Kids (no matter what age) love holidays and celebrations. So, let them have one. They deserve it!

 

2. Try to enjoy being alone and having a day to yourself instead of dreading it and feeling sorry for yourself. Take a walk, go sunbathing, run errands, shop, cook for your kids for when they get home, volunteer somewhere, go visit an elderly person. These are just some suggestions that might make you feel good instead of feeling isolated and alone and like your kids and Dad are having a great time (maybe even with his new girlfriend) and you are home alone. Try to remember, it’s only one day!

 

3. Remember that just because your kids want to spend Father’s Day with their dad, it doesn’t mean they think he’s perfect. It doesn’t mean they are being disloyal to you. Even if he’s barely in the picture, if your kids want to spend Father’s Day with him, that’s a good thing! Barring physical or emotional abuse, have a dad around, even just a little bit, is better than no dad at all.

For dads who are very much in the picture, think about this. As much as you resent him, as much you think things are unfair, as much as he is constantly a source of anxiety in your life, and as much as he can drive you crazy, your children probably adore him. Do they see his faults? If they are over 10 years old then yes, they most likely do. Do they still adore him? Yes. AND THAT IS A GOOD THING!!! If he has a girlfriend already, or if he left you for someone else, you don’t have to keep sharing that with the kids. They will know when you grow up. They will remember. The less you say about it the better.

 

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4. Try to have gratitude for the kind of dad your ex is to the kids. Maybe he was a shitty husband, maybe he treated you horribly. Maybe he cheated, or drank too much or treated you badly. I’m not saying forget about those things. What I’m saying is, focus on him as a dad. If he’s a good dad, then try to find some appreciation for that today. Because that’s good for your kids. This is a day to focus on your ex as a dad, and forget about the divorce for today. Remember, if he’s a good dad, that’s the best thing for your kids.

 

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What do you do on Father’s Day if Dad is out of the picture?

 

Let’s say Dad is estranged from the family, or lives in another state, or is with someone else and chooses not to have a relationship with the kids. Or, the kids don’t want to see him. What the heck are you supposed to do on Father’s Day? I have a couple suggestions:

1. Spend some time with YOUR dad, brother, uncle, cousin or friends who are celebrating Father’s Day.
2. Appreciate a sunny Sunday and do something really fun with your kids. A water park, a nature hike, brunch, baking, anything that makes you guys happy.
3. LOVE your kids and give them lots of hugs and kisses today. You don’t have to keep talking about the fact that your ex isn’t in the picture, but maybe say it once: “I’m so sorry you don’t have a dad around to celebrate with. I know that must be painful. I’m here to talk and listen if you need me to. You are loved by me and our family, more than you can imagine.”

 

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In closing, on Father’s Day, call for a cease-fire. Let him celebrate how much he loves being a dad, just as you celebrated being a mom last month. Let your kids have a fun day with him playing ball, swimming and grilling, without that sad, worried look on your face when they leave the house—afraid they won’t want to come home, that they will like being at daddy’s house more.

Remember that your kids love both you and your ex dearly, and they have this inner-struggle to make sure you both know that. A lot of burden for a young kid to handle, don’t you think?

 

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Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dads out there! I know you work really hard to balance everything out. You’re doing great!

Like this article? Check out my article, “Happy Father’s Day to my Dad in Heaven”

 

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Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

9 Responses to “What Father’s Day Means To An Ex-Wife”

  1. Lynnette

    This is EXACTLY what I say!!! It’s so difficult at times for me cuz Ididn’t want divorce but you read my mind!!!!

    Reply
  2. Bev Walton

    My ex-husband is, was and always will be THE most awesome father to our daughters.I certainly wasn’t an angelic ex-wife, but I am proud to say that I NEVER poisoned my daughters against their father – the way many ex-wives do. I did my best to encourage and support a healthy father/daughter relationship. To all the great dads out there – Happy Father’s Day!

    Reply
  3. Tom Leykis

    What I love about women like you is that nothing is ever your fault and you never take responsibility for your part in a failed marriage. You’re pathetic, irrational, delusional, histrionic, shrill and clueless.

    Reply
  4. Missy

    Just starting this divorce thing and I am so lost. I agree with the importance my ex will play in our son’s life but, i”m not feeling real good towards him right now. he has moved out and moved on and i”m lost and stuck in this quick sand that was our life together.

    Reply
  5. Bev Walton

    Hey Tom, I think you may have misunderstood. Jackie’s article was aimed at both parties involved in a divorce. As for my situation, I was to blame for many things that went wrong in my relationship. Finally, over time, I was able to admit my faults and shortcomings. And put my pride in my pocket and apologise to my ex-husband. He is an awesome man – it was just not meant to be. Sounds so cheezy, but: it takes 2 to tango.

    Reply
  6. Mike

    Thank you so much for this article. I’m in my first year of divorce and have made sure the kids make a deal of their moms birthday and mother’s fay. Unfortunately this has not been done by her. Your article helped me through the day.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      You just take the high road and let your ex do what she is going to do. You won’t ever regret being nice, and your kids will see it also. Hang in there.

      Reply

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