I am in need of some divorce advice. I hate my ex husband. I know it is not good
to hold on to anger. I have even emailed him and told him I forgive him
for what he did. I have tried really hard to forgive him. But deep down I
hate him and I can’t let it go completely. If I see him driving around
town and he waves at me, I will wave back. But I secretly want to flip him off and ram his truck with my car.
I am my ex’s second ex-wife if that says anything. When he was with his first wife they had children together and he had a vasectomy. While we were dating we
had a heart to heart and I told him I really wanted to be a mom. He said
if we got serious we could definitely adopt. Fast forward a year after we
were married I brought up the subject of adopting again. He told me he
lied to me and never had any attention of adopting that if I wanted to
leave him I could that he would understand. (I should have!).
He was very verbally abusive and said horrible hateful things to me. I always believed when you married someone you stayed with them and did everything you could to make it work. I tried but when he asked me for the divorce I agreed I was so ready to be done. It was a very toxic relationship and so not healthy. I know I am so much better off without him.
I am now dating an amazing guy who is night and
day different from my ex husband. But I just can’t seem to let go of the
anger completely when it comes to my ex. Is that normal? We separated in
2013 and our divorce was final last year. As soon as we
broke up he moved his new girl friend he cheated on me with into our home. I
can’t seem to let go completely with how bad he hurt me.
My ex broke my spirit for a
long time. When I first started dating I was scared to have an opinion. For
instance if the guy asked where I would like to go for dinner I was too
scared to mention anywhere for fear I would upset the person with my food
choice. I think that is why I still have so much anger towards him. I hope
it’s normal and I am not weird for feeling this way.
What a complete nightmare. What you’ve been through sounds awful. I’m so so sorry. You sound very angry with lots of resentment and I want to validate you and say that you have every right to be. This guy robbed you out of many years of your life, and out of having kids. On a side note, I have no idea how old you are, but a friend of mine had twins at 47, so I hope that gives you hope for the future, if you still want kids. And, you are never too old to adopt.
Here’s how I feel about hate. When a divorced person is angry, hurt and resentful, they can feel deep deep hatred—hatred they never even knew existed in them. Feeling that kind of hatred only makes you feel worse, because no one wants to be that kind of person, right?
That is why it’s important to try to let it go. That’s not easy to do, but here are a few things you can do.
1. Write down your feelings. Write down how much you hate his guts and why, and all the things he did to you to make you feel that way. Read it a few times and then destroy it. No one should see it. The purpose of it is for you to get rid of it. Validate all he did and how he made you feel by writing it down so that you have “evidence.” Tearing it up is symbolizing that you are too strong for it to hurt you forever, that you are choosing to be rid of it, and that you are survivor.
2. Think about his future and your future. He is now living with a woman who is OK with being in a relationship that started out with lies and cheating. Do you think she’s happy with him? I’d bet no. As for you, your new guy sounds great! Enjoy him and be thankful of where you are in your life right now versus where you were.
3. Keep saying to yourself, “I’m not going to have hate in me anymore because that’s not who I am.” It’s very hard to do, but say it enough and it will start to sink in. Don’t hate him. Feel pity for him. Feel disrespect. Feel that he is weak and a bully. Feel that he isn’t truthful. Feel that he is a cheater. None of those are good. So, there’s no reason to hate him. Instead feel grateful that you got away from him.
Hate isn’t productive. What is? Working on yourself and focusing on the new and wonderful life you have ahead of you! I wouldn’t feel hatred if I were you, I’d feel like I just won the lottery! Best wishes!!