Child Support: Why He Can’t Stand Giving You That Check Every Month


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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons divorced couples stay at odds is because of child support. Why? Because when a man BY LAW is required to give his ex-wife a check every month, many times he feels overwhelming resentment, anger and bitterness.

I can say this with authority because I see it everywhere. I see it from men who are struggling financially, all the way to men who have millions. It doesn’t make a difference. Most hate to pay.

 

Katz and Stefani Family Law Attorneys

 

Why? Let me paint the scenario. A guy thought he and his wife and kids were relatively happy. The marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was okay. That was life. All of a sudden, one day, his wife says, “I want a divorce.” He finds out she is in love with another man. The ground beneath the guy’s feet gives way. He now has to find an apartment and move out, not see his kids every night, AND the worst one, give his wife (who is happily in love and living with their kids full time) a check every month, otherwise he will go to jail.

Okay, so I completely understand his resentment. But, here is what I want to explain, being a woman who receives child support. Guys, you aren’t giving your ex-wife money. You are GIVING MONEY TO YOUR CHILDREN. I sometimes feel that ex-husbands think we are sitting around on our asses collecting money, buying whatever we want and laughing about how great we have it.

In my case, I am working harder than I ever have in my entire life, with more hours, more intensity and more stress than ever. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love what I do, and I couldn’t feel more fulfilled, but I also need the jobs. If I don’t perform and I lose the work, I’m screwed. And for me that means meeting deadlines, producing quality work, keeping my blog fresh and updated, and finding new ways to market my books.

Here’s the thing. Divorce (besides having so many other downsides) is expensive. It’s a financial nightmare for most people. So, with financial stress and fear, comes anger and resentment.

But I hope men who read this will think about the fact that when they give their ex that monthly check, they are giving it to them so that they can house, feed and clothe their children.

Also, think about this scenario. A woman was a stay at home mom. The husband left her for another woman. Now, the husband expects her to go out and get a job, which is fine, but do men realize how hard that is? Not only is the woman traumatized that her husband of two decades just dumped her, but now he expects her to go out and find work, like it’s easy.

I can tell you firsthand how difficult it was for me to gain employment after staying home for 10 years. I was insecure with zero self confidence, I had no current computer skills, and I was scared to death. I went on dozens of interviews, including my old company, that had an open position and who never even called me back for a second interview. Factor in the horrible job market (at the time) and it was a nightmare to try to find work after staying home for so long. So, I guess what I’m saying is, please understand that it’s not that women don’t want to work, it’s just hard to find jobs.

 

Vestor

 

I do want to take the man’s side for a second. Guys, I know it’s frustrating  (in certain cases) when you have to give a check to your ex, who left you, and who you know for a fact isn’t even looking for a job (again, in certain cases) because she just doesn’t want to work.

Ladies, you got divorced. Whether it was your choice or not, this is your time to step up and attempt to work. I know it’s not easy, but it’s your obligation to contribute to your children.  Plus, working will bring you renewed self-worth and happiness like you never could have imagined. I can attest to that 100%.

I also want to bring up something else. I think that the way child support is structured is really bad. The psychological aspect of a man having to hand his ex a check every month is just plain old mentally unhealthy. Why not set up an account that is for the use of kids only? A guy can put the child support check into that account and the woman can write checks against it for rent/mortgage, food, utilities and kids expenses? This way, the guy who is writing the checks can see firsthand where the money is going.

In closing, every divorce situation is different, and I don’t know your personal story. What I do know is that divorce brings a financial hit, and both the man and the woman should be obligated to financially support the kids. Our kids should always be our number one priority.

So, next month, when you hand the woman who broke your heart and ruined your life the check, try to remember that you are handing it to your children, not her. And ladies, when he hands you the check, just say thanks. It’s nice to be acknowledged.

 

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The Center for Divorce Recovery

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106 Responses to “Child Support: Why He Can’t Stand Giving You That Check Every Month”

  1. Audrey

    My husband has a 5 year old with his ex-gf who lives overseas. The ex got pregnant on purpose at 24 because her best-friend had a baby and she ‘thought they are cute and I want one’ – she actually wrote this plan out in her diary and was pregnant within 6 weeks.
    She left the country and went back to her home country towards the end of her pregnancy, and the first time my husband went to be there with her when the baby was he caught her cheating (walked in on them…); she had been cheating on him since before the baby was born. She then left him for her new boyfriend, and started extorting my husband for money in return for photos of the baby.

    The ex-gf is from an extremely wealthy family, has never worked a day in her life, never graduated high school (in a country which has a 99% graduation rate) and will never work a day in her life. Shes never taken a non-business class flight and goes on 4 international holidays a year. She lives with her father and sister who care for the children while she goes out to bars and clubs 4x per week. When my husband flies there to see his son, it’s very common for her not to bring the kids out to see him because she’s too hungover at 12.30pm on a Tuesday…
    She now has a second baby from another random guy whom shes not been involved with since pregnancy, because (as she mentioned to my husband) she wanted another ‘cute’ baby because the first one grew up and wasnt cute anymore… Another ‘on purpose’ baby then ditch the father

    We pay her $2000 in ‘spoiled-entitled lady support’ a month for this privelage. We are small business owners, and have literally ZERO income, we are a startup and producing no income yet. We literally can’t afford food.

    At the same time she spends zero time ‘mothering’ the kid and instead is out on holidays and partying all week. The child is behind both physically and mentally – not in a disabled way but as if he’s not had any education or human interaction, besides the fact that we’ve spent over $55,000 on first-tier private education at her request (suspect he’s not been going to school but she’s been pocketing the money).

    Meanwhile, we live in the garage of my 90 year old grandmother whom I care for. The other day I took my grandma to the hospital and took my husband’s car because I had no petrol and couldn’t afford a top-up. Low and behold his petrol tank was empty. I had to choose between using my last 20$ for petrol, or buying groceries for the next week. Petrol it was, otherwise I couldn’t get my grandma home, how embarrassing.

    And this woman is living off my dollar – her wealthy father pays every cost for the kid, and because her dad is pissed at her irresponsibility he’s trying to restrict her budget so that shes only allowed to go out for dinner and drinks 4x per week (as she complained to my husband) so now she’s requesting more and more money from us.

    After her original threats of taking his son away after her initial cheating, he’s now too scared to try to bargain with her and gives her whatever she wants, whenever she wants. He takes them on luxury holidays, and his visits are purely 5 star restaurants and mini-vacations (as she refuses anything less). While we work 14 hours a day, 7 days a week for ‘nothing’ as we build our business. And who will be the beneficiary once we make money? HER first…

    $24,000 a year is a lot even on a dual-income average wage (which we currently don’t have!), and every dollar of this is debt, we’ve had to re-finance the house, rent it out and move into a garage just to maintain her manicure-payments, and on top of that we even get to pay interest on this!

    But as his precious, wealthy ex-gf told him – it’s standard in Japan to pay $1000 a month to the mother, and after the child is 5 it goes up to $2000 a month. Of course there is zero doubt that she made all of this up, as there is no evidence towards this, and our other Japanese friends look at us like idiots when we ask them. But he’s now ‘under the thumb’ of the dictator and.. god.. I don’t even know how we are going to survive the next few months.

    My husband is just trying to be a ‘good man’ and do the right thing, while his cheating ex used him to get pregnant on purpose, then threw him away and turned him into her own personal credit card.

    Reply
  2. Brad

    Child support should be a fixed amount for everyone, regardless of parent’s income. It should be set at the minimum amount determined to raise a child. It doesn’t cost more to raise a child that was born to high income parents than it does to raise a child of low income parents. If high income parents provide their children with nicer things while they’re married, they’re not going to stop just because they got divorced. The idea of maintaining a child’s standard of living is ridiculous. How can the same amount of income support 2 households without a decrease in standard of living. If a parent can’t afford the house they live in without the support of someone else, they shouldn’t live in it. When parents decide to get divorced, they decide to disrupt the lives of the children. One parent shouldn’t be required to help maintain the lifestyle of the other. Child support is a way for a lower income parent to extort money from a higher income parent in order to maintain a lifestyle that they can no longer afford and should not be living. If married parents live in a big house that either can’t afford alone and decide to get divorced, they decide to move. Why should the higher income parent be required to move out, support the lower income parent and their lifestyle while severely diminishing their own. A bad parent is a bad parent and will change jobs, hide income, dodge child support and probably shouldn’t be in a child’s life anyway. A good parent is a good parent and will do whatever they need to in order to provide for their children. Child support is just a way for a parent to extort money from someone to maintain a lifestyle that they can’t afford and should not be living. Should my children have to move if I decide I don’t want to live with my spouse any longer? If you can’t afford the house any more then yes! It’s part of the decision you made. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. What if my spouse leaves me? I feel bad for you, but it’s a free country and now you have to get a job and support yourself, by yourself. If your ex is a good parent, he’ll still take care of your children, just not you. Child support based on income is legalized extortion. If a high income parent provides nicer things for their children, they’re not going to stop. They’ll just stip providing nicer thing for you. Children of high income parents don’t eat more or require more clothing than children of lower income parents. This is why child support should be the same for a parent that makes $40,000 a year as it would be for a parent that makes $130,000 a year.

    Reply
    • Doug

      What would this magic number be? It still would be unfair on either end the spectrum. for most men who left their wives even with CHILD SUPPORT they are saving a ton of money and way better off than when the ex spent it all. Just don’t be a sucker twice as woman are just a bad investment money TRAP.

      Reply
    • Ana

      Omg Brad you are so right.And your intelligence shines through! Not only do you make sense but your statement is based on reality!

      Reply
  3. Alex

    Evil begets Evil. Child Support fosters animosity between parents, inevitably reducing the well being of children. The article below states “Police interviewed Daron Boswell-Johnson about shooting and killing his daughter and her mother in 2016 over child support.” https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/public-safety/how-much-is-too-much-to-allow-a-2-year-old-to-live-murder-trial-over-600-child-support-payments-ends-in-a-conviction/2018/04/04/847a1180-549c-4032-92d7-7e17f6f800ff_story.html?utm_term=.f17caa3ed729. It is one of many horrible family tragedies triggered by an evil Family Court and Child Support System. Child Support Order turned out to be deadly again because of the old age motive for murder – MONEY! When are we going to abolish Child Support Orders so that children like 2-year old Chloe can live?

    Reply
  4. Raquel

    The comments from these men are ridiculous. My husband of 13 years left my son and I less than a year after purchasing a new home that HE wanted!! He moved in with a “woman” he had cheated on me with for years and for four months assisted with the mortgage. He stopped after realizing that it would be much more fun to travel the globe w/his ho while I was left to foot the mortgage, pay for my son’s summer camp and sports and every other cost involved with raised a pre-teen. These “men” can suck it easy and write that check and stop whining about it.

    Reply
    • Wes

      I have heard this story before. It is sad and wrong. We, the majority of men, do not condone cheating on one’s wife and leaving her to pay the mortgage and the support for the children. However, this is NOT the norm. This is NOT reality in the majority of cases.

      The real world is this:
      – The wife leaves the husband, 75% to 90% of the time, depending on which statistics you read.
      – The husband pays the mortgage and the wife pays nothing. Even when she is supposed to pay “carrying charges”, the court excuses the wife.
      – The husband pays not only all of the child support but multiple times the child support, so the wife can sit on her rear-end and not even support herself when she is educated and perfectly capable of working full time.

      While it is wrong for you to pay all of the bills, it is RIGHT for you to pay one-half of all the bills. I am sorry. What happened to you is not right, but simply excusing unjust and unfair laws is not acceptable, and that is what you are arguing.

      Unfortunately, your attitude of men can “suck it easy” to use your words, leads to men refusing to get an education and refusing to work. Instead, they stay at home and play with the kids during the day. Then, when they walk out on you, taking your children away from you, you say the exact the same thing as we men. Just look back through the posts in this very blog.

      We must change the laws to do what is best for the children. Several states have moved to equal, shared parenting. This is the best plan all the way around. I realize that this means that the former wife is going to have to work, support herself and support her children one-half of the time, but that is the best plan for the children.

      Reply
  5. Michael

    I divorced my wife in 1994 and she was awarded half of my monthly take home pay. I was clearing $1000.00 a month and she Received $500.00 of that. I was a police officer and because of this, I had to work extra overtime and off duty details, which didn’t leave time for anything but sleep. Because of this I didn’t see my son for long periods and now that he’s a adult he is very distant from me. His mother caused this and did so joyfully.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I”m so sorry. That is very very unfair. I would focus on talking to your son and trying to get to know him more and be in his life. It is never too late. Try to explain things to him without trashing his mom. I wish you all the best. And, thank you for protecting us. I am grateful for your service.

      Reply
      • Wes

        “Very, very unfair?” This IS child support. Trying to explain to your children how your life and their life is being destroyed without speaking the truth about their mother, is impossible. This is a major problem with the gender bias of the divorce system, it is all based in lies and legalized abuse of primarily men, but also women who “act like” men. Start talking to your government representatives. They are not hearing you over the very loud: National Organization for Women (NOW). I know this for a fact. I have sat with both my Senator and Assembly Representative.

        Reply
  6. Alex

    Evil Family Court awards parent engaged with parental alienation or pathogenic parenting with Child Custody and Child Support. Here, the Court blindly believed Rod McCall ex-wife’s sexual allegations claims (without evidence). As a consequence, Rod was charged with sexual improprieties with his son and banned from visiting his child. After a long and costly uphill Court battle, something most non-custodial parents who were alienated from their children can not afford, Rod was finally awarded full custody for his son. At the prospect of losing Child Support and having to pay it to the Father, the alienating Mother went home and killed the son literally the same day of the ruling. It is a horrible family tragedy brought about by Family Court which introduced between parents the fight for MONEY – the old age motive for murder! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db-QyblacWo
    When are we going to abolish evil Child Support Orders so that children like Rod McCall’s 6-year old son can live?

    Reply
  7. John

    Most women are using these child support checks to buy themselves the newest Gucci purse and the latest Manolo shoes that celebrities are wearing. Notice I said WOMEN because the judge AUTOMATICALLY gives full custody to the mother! Men are IDIOTS for getting married. If you really want sex, go to the red light district in Amsterdam and buy it legally without any consequences. This country hates men and especially the family unit.

    Reply
  8. Doc

    Child support shouldn’t exist in the United States. It goes against the tenets of liberty and freedom, and we should move back to direct support. Otherwise, men should be able to financially abort their child. There should be a financial fee men can give to the woman to waive their rights and be able to walk away from the situation. It is commonly said men make their decision in the bedroom, well, so do women. They’ve made their decision in the same bed, but they’re allowed to abort that baby based on not being ready financially. Really, they don’t need any other reason than “I just don’t want it”. Therefore, give men the same opportunity to walk away, or i’ll Just think abortion is murder, unless in cases of rape or incest. Then we can just tell women they made their decision in the bedroom, and then start jailing mothers for the crime of being poor.

    Long and short of it, make better decisions and don’t have children with someone that doesn’t care about you, or being there for their children. End child support, or allow for male abortion.

    Reply
    • Rebecca

      I agree with these comments. My opinion as a woman is I choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy. Men get no choice, and very few options. I agree men have no power except to try to use protection, which can fail. My best friend got pregnant after a condom failed/broke. What’s a man to do?? The consequences are out of his control after that, and any reasonable human wouldn’t pool him into a group of dads that divorce moms and have lived with their children. The system is not working.

      Reply
      • Mr. Responsibility

        The issue is not whether either parent has a right to terminate a child due to a desire to not support them. We choose the consequnce of supporting the child when we choose to have sex. If you do not want to support a child, don’t engage in intercourse. It works EVERY time. The issue is that our society has created a system that forces fathers to support their ex-wives under the lie that it is child support. Both parents must support their children directly, not as ordered by someone who is not a parent of the child. Both parents, supporting the child/children in their own home, as they see fit. They are the only ones who have the right to set the level of child support.

        Reply
  9. Ryan

    My ex cheated on me and I tried to salvage the relationship but in the she left me for the guy. In the meantime I’ve been in my kids life, I’ve taken him on trips, entered him into sports, fought for custody during school time, started a 529 account for him, remarried and my wife works from home, bought a house in a better school district, and I still have the expenses of having clothes at my house, meals, a room that’s his own, I pay health insurance, he doesn’t go to his sports when he’s at Mom’s house.

    Meanwhile I’m now paying child support and seeing my son less than half days of the year. It’s simply not fair. I’ve been a great PARENT, she hasn’t. She has him on free lunch and breakfast at school, has lied in court and has switched him to an underperforming school. I have never been in trouble with the law, never cheated on her and never abused her.

    When we were 1st separated she was working 3rd shift and I had more overnights and could have collected child support but I was smart enough to NOT make it about the money.

    Why don’t the court systems fight to make the living situations as close to 50/50 that is possible? Why should a spouse that chooses to wrong their spouse (and child) be rewarded with more time and monitary gain?

    Now I’m struggling to do the things I used to be able to do with my son. She has two other kids with the guy she left me for. He doesn’t work and I’m supporting her, him and their two kids as well. Maybe this is an exception to the rule but my son is losing in this situation. I don’t find this article to be very sensitive to the VAST different situations that impact kids and parents.

    Reply
  10. Yang

    I am in complete disagreement with the article but as she said, every case I different. A woman who leaves a relationship for another man, should at least be prepared for the repercussions of doing so. She should be able to stand on her 2 feet with or without the support of the man and even more so if the man is very actively involved with the child. I cannot understand why a man should further pay child support if he leaves the the home to the woman, he supports his child by paying daycare, insurance and taking care of the child essentials. In this case, it is the man who 8s rebuilding himself and building a future for his children. Hiw the state calculate child support does not reflect the correct amount of what’s really needed to raise a child. As parents, we will find the most economic way of doing things because we want to save and have financial security. The next point I want to make is that I don’t feel the need to pay or give a woman money to take care of my children when I can do it myself. If I am doing the nurturing, spending time with the kids, being involved in their development and participating on all front, then why should I pay extra to the woman? Or why should she feel the need for me to put money i her hand? If the child needs are being met, I don’t see how a child support is necessary.

    Reply
  11. Non custodial slave

    Had my first at 21, not knowing what i was getting myself into. Came from a broken home with no mother or father. Here i am 29 with 3 boys and an outstanding 1000 monthly payment child support…
    At thispoint I am a child support slave.
    Never had the means to get on my feet, especially not now.
    30,000 in the rears, and my oldest is only 7.
    Now every day is a constant struggle. After garnishments in a 45 hr week im seeing barley $230!
    I literally cannot make it in life on my own without the help of a spouse.
    The systen has succeeded in breaking me down to nothing. I am judged because of my financial struggles, and have no say what so ever in the raising of my boys..
    I can pay 8 months consistantly, and then turn around and be in court for contempt after missing 3 payments…
    Todays child support punishes those whom struggle.
    I guess youre supposed to be a professional athlete or entertainer or a millionaire in order to ever progress in life and reach goals with a looming recurring debt..
    Im not asking to be removed, im just asking for a reasonable amount that is actually managable.
    When its all said and done i will have paid 230,000 in child support, but wont have a home, car, or a life to enjoy.
    I will most likely be paying this debt until i am in the grave….
    Now that i know what i have to look forward to, I regret having every single child! How many custodial parents or innocent children will be hurt in the aftetmath of a struggling non-custodial? However many it takes to be heard?

    Reply
    • I hear you

      This makes me very sad. I can tell you love your children, and yet understand how you regret having them. It shouldn’t be this way. There are strangers like me out here that see your side of this ridiculous situation. It will eventually end someday, although that doesn’t help you now. Keep trying the best you can. Spend some time planning a better career for your future, once the support payments stop you’ll only owe arrears and that dollar amount won’t change. Perhaps look into owning a small business or working for cash, and avoiding a payroll garnishment. You’ll still owe, but possibly less. I know 2 men, one chose college (stayed 13 years until PhD level) the other worked his way up in retail. After their youngest was old enough and the payments stopped they could safely increase their income, and were ready when the time finally arrived. It depends your age, but you could start a high paying career at 45 and pay your arrears slowly. I wish I had better advice for you. It won’t help you to increase your income, the child support just goes up with it. Heartbreaking. Try to love your kids, even if you resent the mothers. They need their dad, broke or not. Although you have no control over how they are raised, I remember as a child seeing even a small example of a different way of doing things can make an impact. I look back on my childhood and things stand out, small steps make a big difference. The way you look at your situation is understandable, and I’m sorry.

      Reply

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