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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons divorced couples stay at odds is because of child support. Why? Because when a man BY LAW is required to give his ex-wife a check every month, many times he feels overwhelming resentment, anger and bitterness.

I can say this with authority because I see it everywhere. I see it from men who are struggling financially, all the way to men who have millions. It doesn’t make a difference. Most hate to pay.

Why? Let me paint the scenario. A guy thought he and his wife and kids were relatively happy. The marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was okay. That was life. All of a sudden, one day, his wife says, “I want a divorce.” He finds out she is in love with another man. The ground beneath the guy’s feet gives way. He now has to find an apartment and move out, not see his kids every night, AND the worst one, give his wife (who is happily in love and living with their kids full time) a check every month, otherwise he will go to jail.

Okay, so I get that. I understand it. But, here is what I want to explain, being a woman who receives child support. Guys, you aren’t giving your ex-wife money. You are GIVING MONEY TO YOUR CHILDREN. I sometimes feel that ex-husbands think we are sitting around on our asses collecting money, buying whatever we want and laughing about how great we have it.

In my case, I am working harder than I ever have in my entire life, with more hours, more intensity and more stress than ever. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love what I do, and I couldn’t feel more fulfilled, but I also need the jobs. If I don’t perform and I lose the work, I’m screwed. And for me that means meeting deadlines, producing quality work, keeping my blog fresh and updated, and finding new ways to market my books.

Here’s the thing. Divorce (besides having so many other downsides) is expensive. It’s a financial nightmare for most people. So, with financial stress and fear, comes anger and resentment.

But I hope men who read this will think about the fact that when they give their ex that monthly check, they are giving it to them so that they can house, feed and clothe their children.

Also, think about this scenario. A woman was a stay at home mom. The husband left her for another woman. Now, the husband expects her to go out and get a job, which is fine, but do men realize how hard that is? Not only is the woman traumatized that her husband of two decades just dumped her, but now he expects her to go out and find work, like it’s easy.

I can tell you firsthand how difficult it was for me to gain employment after staying home for 10 years. I was insecure with zero self confidence, I had no current computer skills, and I was scared to death. I went on dozens of interviews, including my old company, that had an open position and who never even called me back for a second interview. Factor in the horrible job market and it’s a nightmare to try to find work after staying home for so long. So, I guess what I’m saying is, please understand that it’s not that women don’t want to work, it’s just hard to find jobs.

I do want to take the man’s side for a second. Guys, I know it’s frustrating  (in certain cases) when you have to give a check to your ex, who left you, and who you know for a fact isn’t even looking for a job (again, in certain cases) because she just doesn’t want to work.

Ladies, you got divorced. Whether it was your choice or not, this is your time to step up and attempt to work. I know it’s not easy, but it’s your obligation to contribute (in certain situations.) Plus, working will bring you renewed self-worth and happiness like you never could have imagined. I can attest to that 100%.

I also want to bring up something else. I think that the way child support is structured is really bad. The psychological aspect of a man having to hand his ex a check every month is just plain old mentally unhealthy. Why not set up an account that is for the use of kids only? A guy can put the child support check into that account and the woman can write checks against it for rent/mortgage, food, utilities and kids expenses? This way, the guy who is writing the checks can see firsthand where the money is going.

I have a guy friend who is extremely wealthy. His wife left him for another man and he had to pay her child support. He hated paying it so much, that he gave her a lump sum for three years, which I thought was really smart because he was done. He didn’t have to think about it anymore. Obviously, most people can’t do this, but the point is, he took away the psychological problem of child support.

In closing, every divorce situation is different, and I don’t know your personal story. What I do know is that divorce brings a financial hit, and both the man and the woman should be obligated to financially support the kids. Our kids should always be our number one priority.

So, next month, when you hand the woman who broke your heart and ruined your life the check, try to remember that you are handing it to your children, not her. And ladies, when he hands you the check, just say thanks. That’s all. Let him know you’re grateful.

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

90 Responses to “Child Support: Why He Can’t Stand Giving You That Check Every Month”

  1. Liz

    I am a woman, and was the breadwinner in our marriage of 15 years. He stayed home with the kids, but when they got older still wouldn’t get a job to help with finances. Then, he cheated multiple times. So, I got out of the toxic relationship. By that time my income was higher and he still wasn’t working so nearly half goes to him as alimony. Then additional as child support. Though he is able bodied and was the one who stepped out of the marriage. It is very difficult to get past the resentment. I worked hard, was faithful. He wasn’t and now is rewarded very well financially for not working and for cheating. And I continue to work hard and see my bank account drained every month for his payments. It feels unfair,because it is exquisitely unfair. I wish the courts took more into account, but they just go off the formulas.

    My best solace so far is being grateful I had the ability to walk away and put an end to the mistreatment I was receiving by his behavior. But I’m still on a journey to learn how to forgive and move past such a huge hurt when the reminder is there monthly and really affects my life, lifestyle, and ability to save for my future and my kids’ future.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Wow. that must be so frustrating and feel very unfair. I think you have a great attitude. Try not to focus on the injustice, but rather focus on being happy in your own life. One thing I can tell you is that deep down, he knows he got rewarded for cheating and not working. That can’t feel too good and I’m sure he lacks self-esteem and self-love. With all that happened, you still know you did the right thing. that’s what’s important. xo

      Reply
      • Jenny

        I notice you don’t reply to the other comments that have to do with the father side interesting makes me wonder. As a woman I have to say I’m very disgusted with women playing victims I don’t understand when I chose to be with somebody I made sure that I could take care of myself first because you don’t know what can happen we are individuals no one owns anybody if children are in the picture we must learn how to take care of them at all means that’s becoming more sustainable instead of relying on money money money and about drama. And by the way I see y’all are these so-called fatherless kids with a lot of mobile devices I’m sorry I wasn’t raised with mobile devices and I just came out fine that’s right I’m a veteran retired successful no drama

        Reply
  2. Doug

    I call bs on child support, my ex was just with me for the check. After 12 years of her being a stAy at home mom on my income only I moved out. Now I still have to pay child support or my life will be more difficult for 5 more years. I don’t see my kids and I can care less at this point I was only a paycheck to her and nothing more. My ex works and makes about half the income I make. She cant afford the home she has currently it’s over half of her income. When support stops she will end up losing the house or smooching off another man. Chicks have it made in the USA go gold diggers!

    Reply
    • Jenny

      I completely agree and I feel that this issue needs to be brought to light because it’s a lot bigger issue than people tend to believe this is even bigger than abortion that’s right abortion if you want to check out more information my friend check out the language liberator on Instagram for more info.

      Reply
  3. Jeffery

    I don’t hate paying my child support, and it’s automatically withdrawn from my check. She lives with her boyfriend and splits expenses with him. Both mine are older teenagers with jobs.

    Child support was intended to make sure the child has the same quality of life prior to the divorce or split up. Problem is, that isn’t always the case. My kids don’t have the same life at my house (we have a 49/51% split) because I was left with ALL the marital debt. I feel fortunate that I can still keep food in the house. Meanwhile, she’s takes them on trips and buys them all kinds of things.

    I pay the health insurance and we split extras 50/50. School registration, vehicle repairs, non covered medical expenses etc. I always manage to pay them. I know what her rent is, and have a general idea of the other utility expenses, so if CS is used to help cover the child’s portion of rent/utilities/food, she should have several hundred dollars left over. However, she’s always hitting me up for more money, specifically for clothes. It’s almost as if she expects CS to cover ALL those expenses, rather than it covering my half of those expenses. At face value, it seems she doesn’t understand she has financial responsibility.

    Child support doesn’t bother me, greed does. And in some family court situations, they facilitate that greed. Family court gets your financials, they can see the math. They don’t care. As I said before, the child’s life isn’t always the same as it was before for one of their homes after divorce.

    So no, I don’t hate child support, I hate that it’s left me in a position where I have to either tell my kids that I’m a failure and cant afford to give them money or take them places, or do those things and not pay a bill.

    Next time, ask around a little bit more, get a better understanding about why some of us are angry. It’s not always the support, sometimes its the system and the people facilitating it.

    Reply
  4. Jenny

    I don’t understand why women rely on the court system for their family matters when they didn’t rely on the court system when they slept with the man that they had a child. When are adult going to take responsibility for our own actions and not have a government interfere with our problems we need to learn how to self govern in order to teach our children responsibility and how to handle problems without having to pay fees for lawyers and courts that are completely unnecessary wake up people let the government out of your lives self govern yourself. I have also witnessed a lot of mother to make it very difficult for the Father’s To visit their own children their own children how can this be when we’re supposed to teach children about love and not about money money money money we need to learn to take care of our kids without having to always have money what about cooking with How about gardening how about becoming more sustainable so you don’t rely on the system people they’re only out there for their own interest OK. Beat the system don’t enslave people. Let’s not saturate our courts with family matters keep it at home and and if man promise you the world Bewarewomen learn how to take care of yourself because that’s just how it is survival you got to learn how to be independent.

    Reply

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