Child Support: Why He Can’t Stand Giving You That Check Every Month

child support

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

Can men and women be friends after a divorce? I think so. Not immediately, but over time, you might be surprised. But there’s one thing I think that keeps men and women at odds for a long, long time. It’s a source of resentment that breeds perpetual anger and bitterness. I’m talking about child support.

When someone has to hand over a child support check every month, a few things are going on:

1. It brings back the emotions of the divorce.
2. It causes financial anxiety.
3. It makes a person feel like divorce laws aren’t fair.
4. The person always kind of wonders if the child support check is really going to the kids.
5. The person feels like the ex isn’t appreciative. So, he/she feels under appreciated.

These child support issues go on for men and women in ALL financial situations. In other words, it’s not only in situations where people who are struggling for money. I see it from men who have millions. It doesn’t make a difference. Most people hate to pay.

 

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Why? Let me paint one scenario. A guy thought he and his wife and kids were relatively happy. The marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was okay. That was life. All of a sudden, one day, his wife says, “I want a divorce.” He finds out she is in love with another man. The ground beneath the guy’s feet gives way. He now has to find an apartment and move out, not see his kids every night, AND the worst one, give his wife (who is happily in love and living with their kids full time) a check every month, otherwise he will go to jail.

It’s pretty easy to see why he might be resentful.  But, let’s look at it this way. There is no justification on cheating and leaving for someone else. It is what it is, and I am not a supporter of cheating, no matter what (even though I try not to judge.)  That said, if the child support check is going to the kids, then it is warranted.

I sometimes feel like ex-husbands think women are sitting around on our asses collecting money, buying whatever we want and laughing about how great we have it.

Let’s talk about another scenario. A man cheats and then leaves his wife for a younger woman. His ex has been a stay-at-home mom for years, maybe even decades. She is now told she must go back to work and is scared shitless. Between not having worked in so long, never having worked with kids, and not being up to date with technology, it can feel extremely stressful and intimidating. So, is child support fair now?

And, maybe the child support check doesn’t even barely cover the woman’s expenses. She might have to change her lifestyle. If she cheated and left, that seems reasonable. But what if she didn’t have a choice? In other words, she was left? Is that fair?

I, personally can attest to the fact that going back to work after divorce was the scariest, most stressful thing I’ve ever had to do. And, even with child support, it feels like when it comes to money, it’s just never enough. I’m not complaining or whining, just stating a fact.

Here’s the thing. Divorce (besides having so many other downsides) is expensive. It’s a financial stressor for most people. So, with financial stress and fear, comes anger and resentment.

But I hope people who read this will think about the fact that when they give their ex that monthly child support check, they are giving it to them so that they can house, feed and clothe their children.

Sometimes life isn’t fair. And, every divorce situation is different.

I do have something to say to women, and I want men giving child support to hear this, too.  I know it’s hard to go back to work. Trust me. I’ve been here. Here are the obstacles…

1. First of all, it was so so so hard to find that first job after not working for so long. The job searching techniques are completely different now. You have to learn LinkedIn, and how to network and use social media to put yourself out there professionally.
2. Secondly, it’s hard to find the right fit–for your lifestyle and being a mom. I had a couple jobs where I worked for less than a month and it just didn’t work out. I hated them and they hated me.
3. Technology has all changed. It is beyond intimidating to those who have been out of the work force for so long. But, it can be overcome.

 

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4. Stay-at-home moms lack self-confidence when it comes to working. If you think about it, being a stay-at-home mom is thankless with no pay.

All this said, women who are divorced should not expect and assume that they can continue being a stay-at-home mom and live off child support and maintenance alone, especially if the woman is the one who left.

Divorce is an ugly word, and going back to work is often part of it. Sad, but it’s the truth.

 

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The thing I want to say to men (and women who have to pay child support) is, I know it’s frustrating  when you have to give a check to your ex, especially if he/she left you, and who you know for a fact isn’t even looking for a job (again, in certain cases) because she just doesn’t want to work.

Ladies, this is your time to step up and attempt to work. I know it’s not easy, but it’s your obligation to contribute to your children.  Plus, working will bring you renewed self-worth and happiness like you never could have imagined. I can attest to that 100%. It feels so much better to make your own money versus collecting a check every month from someone else. And, it feels even better to do both! (if you are making a lot less than your ex, of course.)

I also want to bring up one last thing. I think that the way child support is structured is really bad. The psychological aspect of a man having to hand his ex a check every month is just plain old mentally unhealthy.

Why not set up an account that is for the use of kids only? A guy can put the child support check into that account and the woman can write checks against it for rent/mortgage, food, utilities and kids expenses? This way, the guy who is writing the checks can see firsthand where the money is going.

A brilliant idea, right? Not sure why this isn’t being done.

 

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So, in closing, next month, when you hand the woman who broke your heart and ruined your life the child support check, try to remember that you are handing it to your children, not her. And ladies, when he hands you the check, just say thanks. It’s nice to be acknowledged and appreciated, no matter the circumstances.

 

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

120 Responses to “Child Support: Why He Can’t Stand Giving You That Check Every Month”

  1. Audrey

    My husband has a 5 year old with his ex-gf who lives overseas. The ex got pregnant on purpose at 24 because her best-friend had a baby and she ‘thought they are cute and I want one’ – she actually wrote this plan out in her diary and was pregnant within 6 weeks.
    She left the country and went back to her home country towards the end of her pregnancy, and the first time my husband went to be there with her when the baby was he caught her cheating (walked in on them…); she had been cheating on him since before the baby was born. She then left him for her new boyfriend, and started extorting my husband for money in return for photos of the baby.

    The ex-gf is from an extremely wealthy family, has never worked a day in her life, never graduated high school (in a country which has a 99% graduation rate) and will never work a day in her life. Shes never taken a non-business class flight and goes on 4 international holidays a year. She lives with her father and sister who care for the children while she goes out to bars and clubs 4x per week. When my husband flies there to see his son, it’s very common for her not to bring the kids out to see him because she’s too hungover at 12.30pm on a Tuesday…
    She now has a second baby from another random guy whom shes not been involved with since pregnancy, because (as she mentioned to my husband) she wanted another ‘cute’ baby because the first one grew up and wasnt cute anymore… Another ‘on purpose’ baby then ditch the father

    We pay her $2000 in ‘spoiled-entitled lady support’ a month for this privelage. We are small business owners, and have literally ZERO income, we are a startup and producing no income yet. We literally can’t afford food.

    At the same time she spends zero time ‘mothering’ the kid and instead is out on holidays and partying all week. The child is behind both physically and mentally – not in a disabled way but as if he’s not had any education or human interaction, besides the fact that we’ve spent over $55,000 on first-tier private education at her request (suspect he’s not been going to school but she’s been pocketing the money).

    Meanwhile, we live in the garage of my 90 year old grandmother whom I care for. The other day I took my grandma to the hospital and took my husband’s car because I had no petrol and couldn’t afford a top-up. Low and behold his petrol tank was empty. I had to choose between using my last 20$ for petrol, or buying groceries for the next week. Petrol it was, otherwise I couldn’t get my grandma home, how embarrassing.

    And this woman is living off my dollar – her wealthy father pays every cost for the kid, and because her dad is pissed at her irresponsibility he’s trying to restrict her budget so that shes only allowed to go out for dinner and drinks 4x per week (as she complained to my husband) so now she’s requesting more and more money from us.

    After her original threats of taking his son away after her initial cheating, he’s now too scared to try to bargain with her and gives her whatever she wants, whenever she wants. He takes them on luxury holidays, and his visits are purely 5 star restaurants and mini-vacations (as she refuses anything less). While we work 14 hours a day, 7 days a week for ‘nothing’ as we build our business. And who will be the beneficiary once we make money? HER first…

    $24,000 a year is a lot even on a dual-income average wage (which we currently don’t have!), and every dollar of this is debt, we’ve had to re-finance the house, rent it out and move into a garage just to maintain her manicure-payments, and on top of that we even get to pay interest on this!

    But as his precious, wealthy ex-gf told him – it’s standard in Japan to pay $1000 a month to the mother, and after the child is 5 it goes up to $2000 a month. Of course there is zero doubt that she made all of this up, as there is no evidence towards this, and our other Japanese friends look at us like idiots when we ask them. But he’s now ‘under the thumb’ of the dictator and.. god.. I don’t even know how we are going to survive the next few months.

    My husband is just trying to be a ‘good man’ and do the right thing, while his cheating ex used him to get pregnant on purpose, then threw him away and turned him into her own personal credit card.

    Reply
  2. Brad

    Child support should be a fixed amount for everyone, regardless of parent’s income. It should be set at the minimum amount determined to raise a child. It doesn’t cost more to raise a child that was born to high income parents than it does to raise a child of low income parents. If high income parents provide their children with nicer things while they’re married, they’re not going to stop just because they got divorced. The idea of maintaining a child’s standard of living is ridiculous. How can the same amount of income support 2 households without a decrease in standard of living. If a parent can’t afford the house they live in without the support of someone else, they shouldn’t live in it. When parents decide to get divorced, they decide to disrupt the lives of the children. One parent shouldn’t be required to help maintain the lifestyle of the other. Child support is a way for a lower income parent to extort money from a higher income parent in order to maintain a lifestyle that they can no longer afford and should not be living. If married parents live in a big house that either can’t afford alone and decide to get divorced, they decide to move. Why should the higher income parent be required to move out, support the lower income parent and their lifestyle while severely diminishing their own. A bad parent is a bad parent and will change jobs, hide income, dodge child support and probably shouldn’t be in a child’s life anyway. A good parent is a good parent and will do whatever they need to in order to provide for their children. Child support is just a way for a parent to extort money from someone to maintain a lifestyle that they can’t afford and should not be living. Should my children have to move if I decide I don’t want to live with my spouse any longer? If you can’t afford the house any more then yes! It’s part of the decision you made. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. What if my spouse leaves me? I feel bad for you, but it’s a free country and now you have to get a job and support yourself, by yourself. If your ex is a good parent, he’ll still take care of your children, just not you. Child support based on income is legalized extortion. If a high income parent provides nicer things for their children, they’re not going to stop. They’ll just stip providing nicer thing for you. Children of high income parents don’t eat more or require more clothing than children of lower income parents. This is why child support should be the same for a parent that makes $40,000 a year as it would be for a parent that makes $130,000 a year.

    Reply
    • Doug

      What would this magic number be? It still would be unfair on either end the spectrum. for most men who left their wives even with CHILD SUPPORT they are saving a ton of money and way better off than when the ex spent it all. Just don’t be a sucker twice as woman are just a bad investment money TRAP.

      Reply
    • Ana

      Omg Brad you are so right.And your intelligence shines through! Not only do you make sense but your statement is based on reality!

      Reply
      • Yelnick

        Well Ana he does make some good points. The Governments position is that the children’s standard of living should be reduced as little as possible. Why is this only important in after a divorce. Lets say a married couple makes one million dollars a year for ten years. They decide they are tired of this lifestyle and give away all of their money. They move to a commune and only provide the bare necessities for their children. Food, shelter, clothing and education. Why does the Government not step in and say “hey, you need to maintain these kids standard of living?” Furthermore, if the non custodial parent dies, does the Government step in and provide what they were paying in support in order to maintain the necessary lifestyle and standard of living? No, of course not. Child support should never exceed what is needed for survival, just like Government assistance. Its not the Governments responsibility to ensure the kids get equal gift from their parents.

        Reply
  3. Alex

    Evil begets Evil. Child Support fosters animosity between parents, inevitably reducing the well being of children. The article below states “Police interviewed Daron Boswell-Johnson about shooting and killing his daughter and her mother in 2016 over child support.” https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/public-safety/how-much-is-too-much-to-allow-a-2-year-old-to-live-murder-trial-over-600-child-support-payments-ends-in-a-conviction/2018/04/04/847a1180-549c-4032-92d7-7e17f6f800ff_story.html?utm_term=.f17caa3ed729. It is one of many horrible family tragedies triggered by an evil Family Court and Child Support System. Child Support Order turned out to be deadly again because of the old age motive for murder – MONEY! When are we going to abolish Child Support Orders so that children like 2-year old Chloe can live?

    Reply
  4. Raquel

    The comments from these men are ridiculous. My husband of 13 years left my son and I less than a year after purchasing a new home that HE wanted!! He moved in with a “woman” he had cheated on me with for years and for four months assisted with the mortgage. He stopped after realizing that it would be much more fun to travel the globe w/his ho while I was left to foot the mortgage, pay for my son’s summer camp and sports and every other cost involved with raised a pre-teen. These “men” can suck it easy and write that check and stop whining about it.

    Reply
    • Wes

      I have heard this story before. It is sad and wrong. We, the majority of men, do not condone cheating on one’s wife and leaving her to pay the mortgage and the support for the children. However, this is NOT the norm. This is NOT reality in the majority of cases.

      The real world is this:
      – The wife leaves the husband, 75% to 90% of the time, depending on which statistics you read.
      – The husband pays the mortgage and the wife pays nothing. Even when she is supposed to pay “carrying charges”, the court excuses the wife.
      – The husband pays not only all of the child support but multiple times the child support, so the wife can sit on her rear-end and not even support herself when she is educated and perfectly capable of working full time.

      While it is wrong for you to pay all of the bills, it is RIGHT for you to pay one-half of all the bills. I am sorry. What happened to you is not right, but simply excusing unjust and unfair laws is not acceptable, and that is what you are arguing.

      Unfortunately, your attitude of men can “suck it easy” to use your words, leads to men refusing to get an education and refusing to work. Instead, they stay at home and play with the kids during the day. Then, when they walk out on you, taking your children away from you, you say the exact the same thing as we men. Just look back through the posts in this very blog.

      We must change the laws to do what is best for the children. Several states have moved to equal, shared parenting. This is the best plan all the way around. I realize that this means that the former wife is going to have to work, support herself and support her children one-half of the time, but that is the best plan for the children.

      Reply
  5. Michael

    I divorced my wife in 1994 and she was awarded half of my monthly take home pay. I was clearing $1000.00 a month and she Received $500.00 of that. I was a police officer and because of this, I had to work extra overtime and off duty details, which didn’t leave time for anything but sleep. Because of this I didn’t see my son for long periods and now that he’s a adult he is very distant from me. His mother caused this and did so joyfully.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I”m so sorry. That is very very unfair. I would focus on talking to your son and trying to get to know him more and be in his life. It is never too late. Try to explain things to him without trashing his mom. I wish you all the best. And, thank you for protecting us. I am grateful for your service.

      Reply
      • Wes

        “Very, very unfair?” This IS child support. Trying to explain to your children how your life and their life is being destroyed without speaking the truth about their mother, is impossible. This is a major problem with the gender bias of the divorce system, it is all based in lies and legalized abuse of primarily men, but also women who “act like” men. Start talking to your government representatives. They are not hearing you over the very loud: National Organization for Women (NOW). I know this for a fact. I have sat with both my Senator and Assembly Representative.

        Reply
  6. Alex

    Evil Family Court awards parent engaged with parental alienation or pathogenic parenting with Child Custody and Child Support. Here, the Court blindly believed Rod McCall ex-wife’s sexual allegations claims (without evidence). As a consequence, Rod was charged with sexual improprieties with his son and banned from visiting his child. After a long and costly uphill Court battle, something most non-custodial parents who were alienated from their children can not afford, Rod was finally awarded full custody for his son. At the prospect of losing Child Support and having to pay it to the Father, the alienating Mother went home and killed the son literally the same day of the ruling. It is a horrible family tragedy brought about by Family Court which introduced between parents the fight for MONEY – the old age motive for murder! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db-QyblacWo
    When are we going to abolish evil Child Support Orders so that children like Rod McCall’s 6-year old son can live?

    Reply
  7. John

    Most women are using these child support checks to buy themselves the newest Gucci purse and the latest Manolo shoes that celebrities are wearing. Notice I said WOMEN because the judge AUTOMATICALLY gives full custody to the mother! Men are IDIOTS for getting married. If you really want sex, go to the red light district in Amsterdam and buy it legally without any consequences. This country hates men and especially the family unit.

    Reply
  8. Doc

    Child support shouldn’t exist in the United States. It goes against the tenets of liberty and freedom, and we should move back to direct support. Otherwise, men should be able to financially abort their child. There should be a financial fee men can give to the woman to waive their rights and be able to walk away from the situation. It is commonly said men make their decision in the bedroom, well, so do women. They’ve made their decision in the same bed, but they’re allowed to abort that baby based on not being ready financially. Really, they don’t need any other reason than “I just don’t want it”. Therefore, give men the same opportunity to walk away, or i’ll Just think abortion is murder, unless in cases of rape or incest. Then we can just tell women they made their decision in the bedroom, and then start jailing mothers for the crime of being poor.

    Long and short of it, make better decisions and don’t have children with someone that doesn’t care about you, or being there for their children. End child support, or allow for male abortion.

    Reply
    • Rebecca

      I agree with these comments. My opinion as a woman is I choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy. Men get no choice, and very few options. I agree men have no power except to try to use protection, which can fail. My best friend got pregnant after a condom failed/broke. What’s a man to do?? The consequences are out of his control after that, and any reasonable human wouldn’t pool him into a group of dads that divorce moms and have lived with their children. The system is not working.

      Reply
      • Mr. Responsibility

        The issue is not whether either parent has a right to terminate a child due to a desire to not support them. We choose the consequnce of supporting the child when we choose to have sex. If you do not want to support a child, don’t engage in intercourse. It works EVERY time. The issue is that our society has created a system that forces fathers to support their ex-wives under the lie that it is child support. Both parents must support their children directly, not as ordered by someone who is not a parent of the child. Both parents, supporting the child/children in their own home, as they see fit. They are the only ones who have the right to set the level of child support.

        Reply
  9. Ryan

    My ex cheated on me and I tried to salvage the relationship but in the she left me for the guy. In the meantime I’ve been in my kids life, I’ve taken him on trips, entered him into sports, fought for custody during school time, started a 529 account for him, remarried and my wife works from home, bought a house in a better school district, and I still have the expenses of having clothes at my house, meals, a room that’s his own, I pay health insurance, he doesn’t go to his sports when he’s at Mom’s house.

    Meanwhile I’m now paying child support and seeing my son less than half days of the year. It’s simply not fair. I’ve been a great PARENT, she hasn’t. She has him on free lunch and breakfast at school, has lied in court and has switched him to an underperforming school. I have never been in trouble with the law, never cheated on her and never abused her.

    When we were 1st separated she was working 3rd shift and I had more overnights and could have collected child support but I was smart enough to NOT make it about the money.

    Why don’t the court systems fight to make the living situations as close to 50/50 that is possible? Why should a spouse that chooses to wrong their spouse (and child) be rewarded with more time and monitary gain?

    Now I’m struggling to do the things I used to be able to do with my son. She has two other kids with the guy she left me for. He doesn’t work and I’m supporting her, him and their two kids as well. Maybe this is an exception to the rule but my son is losing in this situation. I don’t find this article to be very sensitive to the VAST different situations that impact kids and parents.

    Reply
  10. Yang

    I am in complete disagreement with the article but as she said, every case I different. A woman who leaves a relationship for another man, should at least be prepared for the repercussions of doing so. She should be able to stand on her 2 feet with or without the support of the man and even more so if the man is very actively involved with the child. I cannot understand why a man should further pay child support if he leaves the the home to the woman, he supports his child by paying daycare, insurance and taking care of the child essentials. In this case, it is the man who 8s rebuilding himself and building a future for his children. Hiw the state calculate child support does not reflect the correct amount of what’s really needed to raise a child. As parents, we will find the most economic way of doing things because we want to save and have financial security. The next point I want to make is that I don’t feel the need to pay or give a woman money to take care of my children when I can do it myself. If I am doing the nurturing, spending time with the kids, being involved in their development and participating on all front, then why should I pay extra to the woman? Or why should she feel the need for me to put money i her hand? If the child needs are being met, I don’t see how a child support is necessary.

    Reply
  11. Non custodial slave

    Had my first at 21, not knowing what i was getting myself into. Came from a broken home with no mother or father. Here i am 29 with 3 boys and an outstanding 1000 monthly payment child support…
    At thispoint I am a child support slave.
    Never had the means to get on my feet, especially not now.
    30,000 in the rears, and my oldest is only 7.
    Now every day is a constant struggle. After garnishments in a 45 hr week im seeing barley $230!
    I literally cannot make it in life on my own without the help of a spouse.
    The systen has succeeded in breaking me down to nothing. I am judged because of my financial struggles, and have no say what so ever in the raising of my boys..
    I can pay 8 months consistantly, and then turn around and be in court for contempt after missing 3 payments…
    Todays child support punishes those whom struggle.
    I guess youre supposed to be a professional athlete or entertainer or a millionaire in order to ever progress in life and reach goals with a looming recurring debt..
    Im not asking to be removed, im just asking for a reasonable amount that is actually managable.
    When its all said and done i will have paid 230,000 in child support, but wont have a home, car, or a life to enjoy.
    I will most likely be paying this debt until i am in the grave….
    Now that i know what i have to look forward to, I regret having every single child! How many custodial parents or innocent children will be hurt in the aftetmath of a struggling non-custodial? However many it takes to be heard?

    Reply
    • I hear you

      This makes me very sad. I can tell you love your children, and yet understand how you regret having them. It shouldn’t be this way. There are strangers like me out here that see your side of this ridiculous situation. It will eventually end someday, although that doesn’t help you now. Keep trying the best you can. Spend some time planning a better career for your future, once the support payments stop you’ll only owe arrears and that dollar amount won’t change. Perhaps look into owning a small business or working for cash, and avoiding a payroll garnishment. You’ll still owe, but possibly less. I know 2 men, one chose college (stayed 13 years until PhD level) the other worked his way up in retail. After their youngest was old enough and the payments stopped they could safely increase their income, and were ready when the time finally arrived. It depends your age, but you could start a high paying career at 45 and pay your arrears slowly. I wish I had better advice for you. It won’t help you to increase your income, the child support just goes up with it. Heartbreaking. Try to love your kids, even if you resent the mothers. They need their dad, broke or not. Although you have no control over how they are raised, I remember as a child seeing even a small example of a different way of doing things can make an impact. I look back on my childhood and things stand out, small steps make a big difference. The way you look at your situation is understandable, and I’m sorry.

      Reply
  12. Jack Rabbit

    Although not denying that there are men and women that this article applies to, it is still a very one sided article, not to mention sexist, biased and out of touch with times. Articles like this continue to propagate the tender years doctrine. Women are more than capable of earning a good income, and sharing physical custody (parenting time). It is some women that continue to think they own the children and continue to use them as bargaining chips, if they get their way then things are ok, but if they are unhappy with the child support amount, hell breaks lose.

    Reply
  13. Reality

    I feel that women in today’s world expect everything to be handed to them. They don’t know what it is like to do without. I believe in supporting your children. But i do not believe in supporting the habits of a woman that always talks down to the man especially when she was the one who was selfish and put her feelings first. Life isn’t fair get over it. But if a woman wants what’s best for her children then act like it. Not put the feeling of a cock before innocent children’s feelings. Let them be the one for a change supporting 2 households. But no they always complain about women’s rights and whine to get what they want. I don’t know how many times i have heard women say when they want something all they have to do is take their ex back for an increase in child support. Maybe they shouldn’t spend 60 on nails or upwards of 120 on their hair or even that spring,summer,fall,or,winter purse or whatever they must have to fill that void. Who has their priotities straight in today’s little fairy tale world that they live in? Maybe its time to stand up to these money grubbing so called mothers that can’t do anything without a man but yet cant respect a man much less themselves. Wake up and realise that the more you take from the father. The more you take from the kids and create more resentment and anger and separate each other for your own selfish reasons because you can’t grow up and put kids before yourself

    Reply
  14. The Stand

    “You are GIVING MONEY TO YOUR CHILDREN. “… And yet when people mention the idea of custodial parents reporting to the state on how the money is used (keeping track of receipts, swearing under oath that it was used for rent, etc.) they ALL flip out. Why? If you are using the money as intended why are so man custodial parents against this idea?

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I don’t know anyone who is flipping out. I would be willing to show every single receipt and open my checkbook and credit card statements and show my ex how I’m spending my child support. I have no shame in it whatsoever. If people aren’t willing to do that then that’s an issue.

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      • Wes

        It is good that you are not ashamed to disclose how you are handling the child support. I pay standard, mandatory child support for our three daughters. According to documents provided to the court by my ex-wife last year, the amount of money I pay in so called “child support” is equivalent to her entire month’s expenses. At the same time, her income is less than poverty level for one person. She is an educated, experienced, medical professional. All three of our children are in school and have been for a few years. Men are not simply paying all of the child support. We are also paying full spousal support, while our ex-wives are paying nothing. Our children need both men and women to demand change to our divorce laws.

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  15. Rob

    How about this scenario… wife wants a divorce… reason doesn’t matter. Your argument is the father is paying to support his children but why should his ex wife be in a better financial situation than him? Why should she be able to buy a house and the father left to rent an apartment? In this #metoo day and age why isn’t men and women’s equal rights given? Why isn’t 50/50 custody the norm now? Why is it that when a women files for a divorce the burden falls on the father to fight for 50/5 custody? I’m A divorced father of 3 children living in NYC. I pay $2,450 a month in child support and $1,800 a month in rent for a 3 bedroom. I make $150k a year. My ex wife is a NYC teacher making 80k a year.

    I wanted my children 50% of the time and had to settle for Tuesday overnight Thursdays after school until 7 and every other weekend Friday to Monday. It’s roughly 30% of the time.

    My ex wife goes on vacations with the kids. She buys them multiple birthday presents, holiday gifts, she lives a very comfortable life. I spend my month spending more than I take home. Why? Is that what’s best for my children ? Should I get a second job?

    Really? I’m sorry but using the “you’re supporting your children” line is bullshit. Majority of fathers would support their children without a court order but the better explanation is why am I giving money to someone else to support them when I can support them myself?

    Supporting my children means giving their mother enough money every month so that she can afford vacations and and enroll them in multiple activities and basically spend money freely while I live my life watching every dollar I spend? And if I question it that means I’m a deadbeat dad? Or I’m selfish? Or I don’t want to be responsible for my children?

    My ex wife tells me frequently that I look for reasons to not have to pay her “my fair share” I was told it was my responsibility’s to fork over $567 for summer camp bc my son wanted to go and that was my responsibility.

    She goes to out of network doctors and gets angry when I push back on having to pay the higher co pay.

    My daughter lost her retainer twice and she got upset when I stated that I wasn’t interested in paying for a third retainer since she’s lost 2 in less than 2 months.

    My situation is not one off. It’s fairly common. Women pick and choose when they want equality.

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    • Jackie Pilossoph

      You bring up a really good point. In Illinois, the divorce laws were changed a couple of years ago, making child support much more even. It seems a lot more fair. I don’t blame you for feeling this way. It’s frustrating. My advice would be to try not to focus on the percentage of time you have with your kids. Everything doesn’t have to be even-Steven. quality is more important. I hope that helps.

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    • Wes

      Don’t listen Rob. You do need to focus on the gender bias that is rampant in New York State. I live in the exact opposite corner (North-Western New York). Between us are literally thousands of children suffering from not having their fathers in their lives. My daughters still lament that my ex and I not together. When my daughters are with me, they miss their mother. When they are with their mother, they miss me. It is absolutely imperative that men get mad and fight for their children.

      Your politicians in NYC are the very ones that have suppressed equal, shared parenting bills here in New York for the last 20 years. Ignore the calls to lie to yourself and get upset. Until men join together and go after the massive harm women are doing to our children, they will continue to lose their futures and the quality time they could be having with their fathers.

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    • handell

      STONGLY AGREE!

      I did nothing wrong,
      I met a girl who said she loved me, she said she would marry me, she said she would never leave me. So we had a child together but then she decided to leave me for someone else when the child was 5. She lied.

      She then took me for child support and pretty much wiped out my paycheck and any means of surviving on my own. Over 65% of my check gone.

      So I remarried and that infuriated my ex. She then stopped letting me see my child that I was used to getting most all the time, so I had to waste money and time that I don’t have to go to court & only to be allowed every other weekend visitation.

      She took my heart & The court allowed her to take my money, my child, my dignity as a man. I have no faith in the law nor government whatsoever. In my pursuit of having a family & happiness… I did nothing wrong.

      This child support system (just like the welfare system) only enables a woman an alternative avenue to succeed. She lives comfortably happy in a house with her new husband & our child, all of his income, all of her income and half of my income. She saw a better life through the unfair crooked child support system and took it. While I’m on the outside wondering where I went wrong?

      I did nothing wrong.

      kids should follow the money not money follow kids. the most unfair civil act ever enacted. and is complete BS that no one is changing it to be fair. All I see is the greedy lawyers making money off the plight of the American family. I mean as a child I would want to be taught and lead to success by my successful parent and kept away from the one who is going to teach me how to leech off the system.

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  16. Phillip Creed

    Child support is largely unfair. Granted, every paying father would be expected to say that, but the math backs them up.

    The principal flaw in child support is the assumption that all of the child-related expenses are incurred by the custodial household. For example, if your state’s tables/formula say that combined support should be $1,500/month and the father makes 60% of the income, they’re responsible for a $900 transfer payment (child support) to add to the $600/month pro-rated share of the custodial parent.

    But that amount, often referred to as “guideline” support, should **ONLY APPLY TO FULL-CUSTODY** situations, where the non-custodial parent truly spends nothing on the children on a monthly basis. Even with a standard every-other-weekend+plus+summer+vacation arrangement, the custodial parent typically has ~25% parenting time but is paying the same amount as a father who utterly abandoned their children.

    The result is a windfall for the custodial parent and further emphasizes the “winner-take-all” compulsion of custody hearings.

    Many states have formulas that adjust for parenting time. But many of these states have “thresholds” by which the parenting time credit kicks in. For Wisconsin, it’s 92 days. For Utah, 110 days. For Illinois, it’s 146 days (40% annual parenting time). A father who has their kids 145 overnights/yr in Illinois would run the risk of paying full child support, despite SIGNIFICANT incurred costs for their kids.

    This encourages lots of litigation of the “dollars for days” variety. But if a huge change in CS can result in an trivial change in parenting time, this litigation is nevertheless a sadly rational response to irrational policy.

    Even worse are states like Ohio, Kentucky, Alabama and a few others where there is NO presumptive adjustment for parenting time. In these states, parenting time is treated as a deviation factor from guideline support and is applied solely by judicial discretion.

    This results in extremely varied and disparate CS amounts being awarded in cases with similar circumstances. For instance, in Ohio, deviations even at 50/50 can be denied due to income disparity. Regardless of income disparity, it is utterly implausible that these two conditions will be met–(1) the non-custodial parent will incur NO expenses for their children for having them half the year, and (2) the custodial parent will SAVE no expenses from not having the kids half the time.

    By denying deviations at 50/50, these states allow for what is de-facto supplemental alimony. After all, if a transfer payment is ordered from a higher-earning spouse to a lower-earning spouse and parental expenses on children are disregarded, what else would any reasonably-objective person call this other than alimony?

    Lest you think it’s still fair, remember–child support is NOT designed to bring the parents’ respective incomes closer. There are, after all, numerous non-custodial parents who make LESS than the custodial parent, and are STILL ordered to pay child support.

    The child support system has its merits. But at its heart is the principle that financially supporting a child is the responsibility of BOTH parents, and that the dollars should be best placed to ensure they follow the child. That is simply not the case for many non-custodial parents with parenting time hovering below state-mandated “thresholds” and their expenses are deemed meaningless by fiat.

    The math simply doesn’t add up to the system as it’s currently constructed to be fair.

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  17. kirk

    well this maybe true for some men. i payed 150 a month per to child my ex because i thought that was fair so 450 a month. thats how much it costed for the kids roughly while we were together. and i was happy paying child support.

    then something happened. my ex met this man and they started drinking and doing drugs. long story short she ran off with the man and i havent seen her since for about 4 years.
    i do not get child support . i have the kids full time. i dont even get family allowance. revenue canada has made it so difficult from getting teachers and niehgbors to signing proof. accusing ne of fraud saying that i need dna proof im the father. telling me i need a court order. saying that im not a Canadian citizen. the list goes on. inorder for me too get anything i need to find her and serve her. n ill need to pay thousands for a lawyer. there’s no justice. im still managing with a full-time job n juggling kids. but i doubt a mother has ever had to go through this. its almost like they dont want fathers to get benefits

    Reply
  18. This needs to stop

    She left me, we are still married! 3 months after she left, got with this guy, was taking the boys to his house, meeting his parents… All that good stuff! He cheated, and then she started talking to another guy who doesn’t work, and lives in a camper with her and my 3 boys! Before she left, I just bought our first home, and got a stable career! She never even filed for a divorce, and then out of nowhere I get orders for child support! We are still going through this process, but during the initial hearing, they suggested I pay $980/month. The whole “The support is for the Children” is crap! She is gonna take that money and get a new place for her and her lover to live… And he don’t have to lift a finger! I’m not complaining. I’m the one who carelessly impregnated her, and I love my children! I just feel the need to vent this one out! I will be bettering myself by learning a new skill that could potentially earn me more, and when the support payments finally stop, I will be in a better place!

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  19. handell

    All of family court is a corrupt sham. No person should be forced to give more support than the welfare office is willing to give. It really doesn’t take much extra cash to have an extra person living in your home. Aside from a few of the utilities going up slightly, the rent is the same and mealtime cost are the same if not less because you are eating at home more now.

    The same system that will help a family in need if you lose your job will now take steps to put you in jail for losing your job. Complete BS

    Guys get trapped all the time and don’t have the right to abort when they clearly do not want to be a parent, when they clearly are not capable mentally and financially of being a parent. Clearly the woman makes a bad decision in hopes of financial gain by keeping the child. If a person does not work, never intended on working, isn’t good at working, why are you women sleeping with these men and how can you expect someone to be something they are not. You put a bum in jail for being a bum and mostly because you are pissed off about your trap-a-man investment not paying off.

    Reply

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