Ouch. Advice for: ‘My Ex-Husband is Having a Baby With His Girlfriend’


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I found out my ex-husband is having a baby with his girlfriend, an affair that carried on for a long time, even during my marriage.  I am probably most mad myself on how I could have been so blind. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all.

 

“Ouch” is the first word that came into my mind when I read this woman’s e-mail to DGS. It’s kind of ironic. My novel, “Divorced Girl Smiling,” has a storyline in it with this component. So, although I’ve never actually experienced this situation personally, I’ve written about it as if I have.

 

Here is what my character, “Missy” was thinking and saying when she found out her ex husband was having a baby with his girlfriend:

 

(Quotes from my novel, “Divorced Girl Smiling.”)

 

“All I could do was think about the baby who was growing inside of my husband’s fiancé’s belly. Paul was going to be married and he was going to be a dad.”

 

“I burned with anger and pain and envy. It could have been me, had I not turned off like a water faucet somewhere in the middle of our marriage. Right now, I could be having Paul Benson’s baby. I could still be Paul Benson’s wife. The reason we weren’t together was because of me. That was becoming more and more clear with each passing day.”

 

“Paul is having the life he wants. The best thing he ever did was leave me. Now he’s got a young, perfect wife and he’s going to have a baby. The baby I failed to give him. He’s getting everything he wants.”

 

Again, I didn’t experience this scenario in my real life, but I have to believe the feelings this woman is experiencing are: shock, anger, jealousy, regret, isolation, loneliness, sadness, and the feeling that it isn’t fair. In other words, why does a cheater get to end up with a new wife, a baby and happily ever after? Also, when you find out someone has cheated, it makes you feel stupid, naïve, and like this woman expressed, angry at yourself for not knowing.

 

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The best advice I can offer to someone whose ex-husband is having a baby with his girlfriend (or new wife) is 10 things to think about:

1. Although this is very hurtful right now, you won’t always feel this way. Time always heals us.

2. One thing I did personally experience was my ex-husband getting remarried. It was very upsetting to me, not because I wanted to get back together with him, but because it made me feel the true finality of the divorce. It also made me feel very very alone, like he got his happily ever after and I didn’t. It made me feel like a loser—which looking back is crazy.

3. Ask yourself, “If someone could wave a magic wand that causes the two of you to get back together, would you want that?” Of course not. Don’t forget about all the issues the two of you had. There is a reason you aren’t together anymore, regardless of who left.

4. How can you be upset about the miracle of life? A baby being born is beautiful. Let it make you smile.

 

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5. Your ex and his new girlfriend aren’t as blissful as you think. Just as you did, there are issues in their relationship. In other words, life isn’t all rainbows for them all the time.

6. Remember that their relationship started off with cheating, lies and deceit. That sounds kind of icky to me. When you find love, yours won’t have that attached to it. It will be pure.

7. To answer this woman’s question, yes, he did love you. Don’t convince yourself otherwise. People change. It’s sad, but if he asked you to marry him once, he loved you.

8. Let them have their baby, and let yourself move on with your own life. Do you have any idea of all that awaits you? (if you have the guts to go after it and do the work to get there.)

9. It’s not easy, but try to forgive what he did. It will free you, as acceptance and forgiveness bring a peaceful life that opens up many doors for you.

10. Love yourself, and forgive yourself. Were you perfect in your marriage? Nope. Taking accountability for part of the demise of the marriage is healthy and proves you have maturity and self-awareness. After you are willing to admit you weren’t perfect, forgive yourself and take credit for being the best wife you knew how to be.

An ex-husband having a baby with his new girlfriend is a stab to the heart, but only initially. Take a deep breath and make the most of each and every day, with as little self-pity and with as much grace, poise and acceptance as you can. Eventually, things will improve. I promise!

Like this post? Check out my blog, “How To Handle Your Ex Getting Engaged

 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You’re the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

6 Responses to “Ouch. Advice for: ‘My Ex-Husband is Having a Baby With His Girlfriend’”

  1. Claire

    My husband is having twins with his girlfriend. He told me when she was already 6months pregnant. They will be born before our divorce comes through – classy. She is welcome to him. Its my children and these two new little ones I feel sorry for.

    Reply
  2. Michelle

    My husband did the exact same thing. 14 Year marriage down the drain and a long affair that ended with a baby after he left. I moved on quick and it was the best thing. I meet my new husband who had shared a similar situation with his ex wife, after being in a healthy relationship with my new husband did I start to see how bad my old marriage was. I thank God for the mistress who came into and stole my husband. I have a man who adores and worships me and we are planning our first child now. But most importantly after a couple years my ex husband told me he wanted to come home and he made a mistake. That he still loved me and wanted to make things work. That day was the best day and the saddest, the best because I was truly happy in my new life and sad for the man I once loved. My ex told me I was his great love he let get away yet I couldn’t say the same. This all happened while my is living with his mistress, she had no idea he was trying to leave her when she was pregnant. My exes life isn’t one to envy and as many say I got the last laugh, but I don’t think of it that way only I was fortunate to have the worst thing in my life turn out to be the best. So hang in there ladies one man isn’t the end all be all.

    Reply
  3. Gloria Artiaga

    My ex-husband is having a baby with his girlfriend today. I have our girls. He’s going to pick up girls to see their new brother and it makes me sad but i have to put on a happy face for my oldest daughter who is excited. Oh boy it’s been hard and i’ve been having a lot of self-pity. But thank you for this article….exactly how I was feeling and I find it very helpful and comforting!

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      It’s all good! Let your kids enjoy their new brother. But, I’m telling you, his relationship isn’t a walk in the park. In a couple years, things will look a lot different with them. As for you, I hope you are focused on your life and being happy. You deserve that!!!

      Reply
  4. Sarah

    Just came across this site, it is so needed. My ex husband, had an affair after 14.5 years of marriage, then cheated with a different woman who was married after our divorce. They are now married and just had a baby. Our daughter refuses to see her dad. This whole situation is so hurtful. I am glad I found your site, will check out the books.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I’m so sorry. It’s awful, I’m sure. Just keep being the best mom you can be and focus on your own life–not your ex’s. Trust me, his marriage is not bliss. He’ll never tell you that though. You’ll find out when he is getting divorced again. Just a gut feeling.

      Reply

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