My ex is getting married and it hurts like hell!! That’s what I wanted to shout several years ago when I found out my ex was engaged. Not because I wanted to get back together with him, but because of many other emotions stirring around in my head.
I don’t care how much time has gone by or how long a person has been divorced, when you find out your ex is getting married, not only does it hurt, but it is a true shocker, and there are many feelings associated with it, including the feeling of injustice–like unfairness. There is also anger, bitterness, and jealousy–why does he get the happy ending and I don’t? And, an evaluation/reflection of your own life and what might not be working.
I’ll never forget where I was when I found out my ex was getting married. I was sitting in the bleachers watching my son’s 5th grade basketball game, happily cheering him on. I happened to glance over at his girlfriend, who was sitting next to my ex-mother-in-law, the two seeming as chummy as ever. Her left ring finger caught my eye (or maybe subconsciously I was looking) and I saw a diamond.
For the first couple seconds I was having trouble breathing. Keep in mind, I had been divorced for about four years at the time, but still, it was shocking for some reason.
I turned to one of my best friends, who was sitting next to me and said, “See So and So’s left ring finger? Does that look like an engagement ring to you?” My friend slowly and casually turned to get a look at the ring, and turned back to me. In an attempt to make me feel better she replied, “Maybe it’s her grandmother’s.” We both knew that wasn’t the case.
My mind started racing. “My ex is getting remarried and it hurts!!”
When did this happen? How long had the ring been on her finger? Did the children know their dad was getting married? Were THEY trying to hide it from me? When was the wedding? When were they moving in together?
My myriad of questions would turn into days and days of trying to absorb something I already knew, but now had concrete evidence of: my ex had MOVED ON. Big time. Not that I ever thought he still had hopes for us. I didn’t either. But this just seemed very permanent, and took the finality of the divorce to a new level.
I bet if someone did a measurable study, the conclusions would reveal that more men get remarried than women. I think that men who have been married before (and therefore enjoy commitment and monogamy) really want to be married again, which is why so many of them get engaged three seconds after they are divorced(and I don’t mean that in a mean way.) I find that most women, on the other hand don’t mind waiting. Although, there are some women who rush into second marriage.
But aside from realizing my ex actually must have liked marriage (just not with me) there were so many emotions that I would experience in the hours and days following.
First off, I felt angry. Where was the justice in all of this? Was he going to end up living happily ever after with someone else, bringing to his new marriage all the lessons he learned from the mistakes we made in our marriage? Would she reap the benefits of the improved divorced guy? If so, that was so unfair!
I went to counseling for this and here’s what I was told:
A. If he ends up happily ever after that’s great for my kids. B. I was still harboring anger from the marriage that I hadn’t really dealt with yet, so I was pissed off that he was experiencing any happiness. In other words, I felt he didn’t deserve it.
Secondly, I suddenly felt very alone. He was now going to expose my kids to the Brady Bunch type atmosphere, while I was still the single mom (and in a not-so-great relationship at the time). He was going to give our kids a sense of family, while I was Ann Romano. I felt left out, sorry for myself, and insecure.
All that said, here is what started to happen in the weeks following my absorbing this monumental change.
Here’s how I started to feel.
1. Time to get over it, Jackie! What he was doing was perfectly acceptable and normal. We are on entirely separate life roads. While the marriage would affect my children and therefore affect me indirectly, for the most part, his new life was for him to experience, and not for me to think about.
2. At least the girl seemed normal. That’s huge. That could have been a big disaster.
3. If my ex was happy in his own life, maybe our relationship would improve. (Later I would learn that that didn’t happen. In fact, the new wife made our relationship worse, but that’s another article.)
4. Maybe I need to think about my current romantic relationship. Maybe if I was this upset about my ex getting remarried, maybe I wasn’t so happy and fulfilled in my own romantic life. I would learn later that that really was the case. I ended that relationship a few months after my ex got engaged.
The most important thing I realized:
Why did I feel so alone, when I’m not?? I have a wonderful family, two children who I adore, and lots of good friends! And, I didn’t even have my dog at the time! That would have made things even easier.
In closing, remember that no matter how long it has been since the split, seeing your ex commit to life with someone else is a strange feeling. It brings out lots of emotions and old wounds. It can really mess with your head.
The best advice I can give is to focus on your own life and make choices that make you happy. Focus on your kids, on your job, your love life, your friends, and enjoying life. Also, remember that even if your ex is getting remarried, things might be blissful right now, because during the time when people are getting married it always is. But just wait. Second marriages are no piece of cake, and believe me, your ex is in store for many problems down the road. Just FYI, my ex ended up getting divorced gain, if that means anything to anyone.
When you focus on yourself and your kids, and you stop thinking about how wonderful and in love your ex is (because you don’t even know that for sure,) it will help you go from “My ex is getting remarried and it hurts” to “I am not getting remarried and it feels great to live the life I’m living.” You deserve that!
Like this article? Check out, 15 Tips to Surviving Divorce
Thank you for your blog — we’ve been separated for about 4 months now and I just found you. I wish I would have known about you back then. It would have helped.
My issue is that we aren’t divorced and his fiance isn’t divorced either. But they are shacking up and he spent more on her engagement ring than he spent on jewelry for me in our 20 years together (including my wedding ring). Will their relationship work? I don’t know. Neither of them have dealt with what caused both marriages to fail (other than the infidelity which they were a party to). I worry about all of the children involved.
Our kids, 4 and 10, are really confused. I have them both in counseling, which he thinks is ridiculous.
How do I deal with all of this? Well, thankfully, I am in counseling, too, and I have wonderful and supportive friends and family.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your role in helping others!
My wife had an affair and left in 2009. She meirrad the guy she had the affair with, and i have to say, I’m really great. I have 3 beautiful daughters (6, 10 and 13) and have 50/50 custody. I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are my life! To anyone going through something like this, just stay the course and focus on what’s important. I’m so happy, and still have tears, but for entirely different reasons my kids make me so proud.
I am now in the same situation. I have so much anger Its fmdufficukt. I have one daughter who is now nine with 50 50 custody. I hope she becomes miserable at she was never mentally stable.
Oh, well I have all of you beat. My wife has had an Emotional Affair that blew up into a physical affair right before Valentines Day, with a Guy from another Country. He has promised her this Life Of Riley that I just cant compete with. Its not the financial piece its the fact that he is a tour guide. Well guess what theses two over 50 Immature babies who text each other more than a high-school couple ran off to his country and got engaged. (Found this out because she bought his ring on our American Express Card). This guy was a serial cheater cheating on his first wife over and over to find Mrs. Right, of course my PhD of a wife bought into his entire BS. So I am going to loose my 34 year long relationship 28 years of marriage to a complete Charlatan.
We are not even divorced and are trying an in-house separation for a year because of finances and other reasons. Talk about getting stabbed in the heat!!
I don’t know how you people make it through all that. I recently fount out about my ex’s engagement. I am having so much pain over it, even if I am sure he was really bad for me, even if we are over for six years now, even if I have a wonderful boyfriend now. This pain is beyond comprehension and it is really bad, because I have no reason to talk about it, to any one. No one will understand why I am in so much stress that a guy that made me suffer so much when we were together, has such an emotional impact on me, after all this time? I feel a physical pain it the chest, I swear! And I don’t know the reason why?
Boy, I sure am glad I found this blog. I’ve felt so alone, so sad, since finding out a couple of days ago that my ex is engaged to the gal he’s been with almost since we broke up 5 years ago. I’ve had a string of semi-relationships since then, but haven’t fell in love, I mean really in love, since my ex and I broke up. I don’t think it’s fair! She is reaping the rewards, as you put it, of our hard work and now I feel like such a loser. I hate to admit I’m having these feelings, and it makes it worse because I can’t really admit it to anyone even though they say these feelings are perfectly normal. I know that he has moved on, I know that I’ve also moved on and have made a good life for myself. I guess I was naive in believing that some day, maybe a long time from now, we would be able to embrace one another, maybe love again but differently, better. All the pain that I felt during our divorce has almost come back again. I keep hoping that it’ll get better, but what happens on the actual day he gets married? Will it all come back again? what then? At least I’m finding out that I’m really not unusual, and knowing that all of you have some suffering and confusion as well – even though you’ve moved on with your lives as well – helps to alleviate the hurt just a little. xo
thanks char ive not been able to put my thoughts into words but your position is exactly like mine. 6 years since we split after 26 years now she reaps the rewards of growing old with him. The wedding is tomorrow my two sons are best men my daughter bridesmaid huge wedding at flash hotel and I feel so out of it, all my ex friends are there because they are friendly with the new partner now. Im struggling with this date tomorrow but I know it will pass like everything else im just waiting it out till its past. Hoping for rain for them mind lol. My sons have refused to do a speech as they feel disloyal to me so im a wee bit pleased about that. Just this unsettling heaviness that is with me and crying at everything. Im not a jealous person but I think it might be that of him getting the happy ever after (and I do wish it for him) and me not still going from one duff date to the next and never finding the love of my life. Thank you for sharing everyone its helped know im not stupid. lx
I had the exact same reaction. I have been divorced for 5 years and when I found out he had married again, it was as if someone had punched me in the stomach. That was 6 months ago, and I still often feel sadness. For me, part of that sadness is that I tried really hard to make the marriage work (counseling, support group, prayer, journaling oner a period of 8 years) For me, it was the hope of a happy ending. Now, I pray for him to be blessed and for myself to be blessed as well. Most people do not want to spend their life alone.
Char your post hit the nail right on the head. Ive read the other posts and none of them were close to my situation but yours was exactly like mine. Not that im happy that you or anyone else has to go thru such a thing but its a little more comforting knowing im not crazy for feeling the way I do my husband and I have been separated for 2 years divorce should be final next month and he just recently asked his girlfriend of two years to marry him….it hurt just as much as finding out he was dating someone serious. Like you im dreading the moment that they actually do wed. Anyway thank you for telling your story.
Married 18 years and I always thought we were so happy. Ppl said they wanted a relationship like ours. Then he dropped the bomb! Now a year later the divorce is final and I can’t seem to move on. He is still with the girl (she is 15 years younger then us) and they r both divorced & ready to continue this relationship. They have been together over a year (they were together before we separated). Now they r moving in together and marrying. Our two teenaged children hate her and he barley speaks to our kids or sees them because they r not accepting her I to their lives. He tries to act like some hot young stud who doesn’t have a care in the world. His oldest daughter is 3 years younger then the girlfriend and she refuses to meet her too so he isn’t speaking to that child anymore either. He missed his oldest sons graduation to spend time in another state with the new girl. How can someone so new mean so much that u throw away so much? Is this true love? I don’t understand. I’m so angry. I hate that I can’t move on! I hate that he found a happily ever after so soon after leaving all of us in turmoil.
Me and my ex wife have been divorced about 4 years. We have one child who is eight now. Our interactions have been good when I’m doing everything she wants and horrible when I dont. I don’t fight back with her I just remove myself from the situation. She told me a month ago that she’s engaged. We have a fairly equal coparenting schedule with joint custody. I would like to have an amiable interaction with both of them for my sons sake and my own sanity. It’s seems that it may end being worse than ever though. It’s almost as if they are trying to drive me away or something..which I really don’t understand as I have been a big support for her with taking our son, pickups/drop offs from school etc while she finished school and allowed her to take a job schedule that she couldn’t have otherwise. Thoughts?
Jackie, thank you so much for writing this! I found out yesterday that my ex-husband is getting remarried – we’ve been divorced for two years now, but when I found out I wasn’t sure how to feel. Reading this entry helped me sort some feelings – thank you!
I’m so glad I found this blog!I’ve been divorced for 3 years and I found out today my ex is getting married.he called to let me know, and I felt that physical pain, that stab in your heart.I pretended to be happy for him,I should be anyway.We have no kids but we’ve always been in contact since our divorce in secret and now his marrying someone else. Subconsciously I always thought we’d end up together we’ve been dating since I started high school,and you could say he was the only real relationship I’ve had.I’m closed off to other people I don’t mean to be.but how is it that he gets the happy ending and I feel like I’ve been pushed off a cliff?
He was emotionally abusive for the 16 years married. Cheated on me with my friend. After 10 years divorced he is getting married next week to a women he met last year. And it bugs me. After reading this and other blogs I realize it’s not that I still harbour feelings. Thank God!! That worried me because I’m with a great man I love and he loves me. We have been together 8 years and have a great life. I’m shamed to say it’s mainly spite and some jealousy. How dare he be happy after all he put me and our sons through. I still hurt over some of the things he did and said to me. I should have gone for counselling but it’s too late now. I’ve worked through most of it. And jelous that my sons are going and it’s going to be all happy and wonderful. I hope it doesn’t work out and she sees his true colors. Just being honest. Best of luck to all of you travelling this same awkward journey. It will get better. Just longer for some of us.
Isn’t it a shame that he can’t sit you down and just say, “hey, I want you to know that I”m really sorry for some of the things I did when we were married? I know it was wrong and I just wanted you to know that.” It would be so validating and the right thing to do. He’ll never do it, but I thought that would make you feel better 🙂
Interesting. How we can google. “My ex is getting married to his affair and Im hurting” and a blog like this comes up. It does help to know others are in the same boat. I’ve expected this news as – I think they both maybe trying to validate the affairs by a marriage.
But what’s a heathy way for me to move on. Raise two lovely girls with a women who had an affair on her husband with a married man who had 2 small children. And a beautiful wife. ( thought I’d add that in:)). But seriously, it takes a village to raise these kids. How do I get over myself and my negative feeling of her and be okay with this. Be okay at the school concerts, birthday parties. Drop offs. She’s avoided me until now on all these things- but that’s going to change.
How do I be divorced girl smiling ?
Thanks Jackie. You are right. It’s the big missing piece. The closest he came to an apology was he admitted to one son 2 years ago that he was mean to me. That was when he was in between girlfriends and feeling sorry for himself. It gave me some peace but then when he was audited and fined for tax evasion last year he thought I blew the whistle on him and that prompted an un-warranted barrage of insults including “I never loved you” … No wonder it’s taking so long to heal. So maybe with this new marriage he will be happy and one day at a sons wedding he will apologize. I know, don’t expect or wish for it….or he will be completely miserable and I’ll get my revenge. It’s a win win! LoL thanks for letting me rant here. Feeling better already.
My ex lives in Turks and Caicos. He owes a lot of people money, including me ($53,000) as well as Revenue Canada. We divorced in Bermuda in 2009 and being a lawyer he tried to take the children away from me just because I wanted to go home to Canada. I originally would have done anything for him to have him come home with us but within weeks of us separating, he hooked up with someone in the neighbourhood, flaunting this girl around my children. I was humiliated and shocked. I was taken in an ambulance to the hospital when I found out this news. I could not believe anyone could treat anyone else so poorly. My self-esteem was devastated for years. On top of this he has constantly flaunted his wealth in my face by taking the children on expensive holidays with his various girlfriends and refusing to pay according to our order while I’ve struggled to get back on my feet. He has refused to follow our financial Agreement since he left Bermuda and has made my life very difficult so emotionally I do not trust anyone. This past weekend he remarried a Jamaican girl that he met on Brides.com without so much as letting me know that he was engaged or letting my children 14 and 11 know! I was shocked and they were shocked that he had moved on but even more so that he married without telling us or preparing us. His total disrespect makes me angry and hurt and I wonder what did I ever do to deserve this person in my life? Did I not try to do the right thing? Was I too hard on him to be an honest person and pay his bills? I had hoped that he would work hard, pay Revenue Canada and come back to us- some sort of TV fantasy I suppose. Although I am hurting, I am trying to be brave for my kids but it is killing me inside.
hello, its two in the morning and sitting here listening to sad songs and bawling again since I found out my ex got engaged last weekend….it has been 5 years as well but it has hit me like a Mack truck. I am single and wow am I going through all the feelings you listed. I thought I was so much further in my healing but this has totally ripped off the scab and I feel I am again at square one. I just cant believe he is ready and healed enough to go in to marriage again…I am so far from that. I am struggling with the feeling that that means our marriage was a lie if he is so ready to move on. I know it is my sadness telling me that but wow does that hurt. Thank you for writing this blog…I am going to wipe my tears and try to sleep now…I will try to think the positive thoughts you listed to help me focus on letting go and trying to move forward so I can be happy as well. Wow this is rough…ugh….don’t want him back yet don’t want him happy with someone else either….so crazy to think but yet so real….sincerely Julie
Aww, hang in there. I’m sure it’s really hard. One more thing. How do you know he is ready and healed? This could be his Band-aid. Don’t assume what you see is what really is. xoxo
I just learned that my ex husband is engaged only a year after our divorce. We were married for 10 years. We have a 2 year old together. He met her while our divorce was being finalized, introduced her to our son after 2 weeks and moved her in after 2 months. Honestly, the engagement didn’t shock me, I was expecting it to come sooner. What hurts, is I still cannot let go. I struggle everyday. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t he want to save our marriage? What does she have (other than 7 years younger at 24)? I feel so incredibly worthless. He told me he was devastated and would never remarry. He didn’t even take time to heal or even think about his son. Irony of this, I cannot accept yet I wanted the divorce. We were unhappy, have different beliefs and values. I see things about him that I didn’t see before,manipulative and controlling. So why hold on? Why am I still crying? I didn’t want my son to have a step mom. My biggest fear for having children was divorce. Now he has everything he wants. The family I so desperately wanted. This isn’t how life was supposed to be.
wow. guess i’m not alone. my ex (married one, together nine) just started seeing someone. I really am glad she was the one who told me and I really do want her to be happy. That said, I’m here just basically wrecked for reasons unknown. I understand Julie’s sentiments so well – I have reasons to not want her back (and why we’ve been split) but what really kills me is it seems to be it’s extinguinshing whatever glimmer there was for me to have daily interaction with my son (we’re 50/50, so thank God for that). Maybe I’m just a silly mess but if so, what will I be like if this ends up being marriage (or to another guy). I know I have to just get on with my life but that sounds like a big feat. This probably is worse for me than the divorce itself . She was really the only love of my life so I’m probably just reacting poorly to the fear that I’ll never find anyone else.
You may have no idea how much this one blog post helps!
Thank you. My ex husband has been remarried for four years and I have been remarried for almost two years. But I still struggle at times. Especially now that my daughter is getting married in a few months. I feel awkward and scared and sad that its not me and her dad sharing this together. I’ve been allowing myself to get overly jealous over everything her stepmother is involved in with her wedding. Its nice knowing I’m not alone in the ex crazy feelings stuff. You summed it up very succinctly (he’s happy, I’m happy) and I feel greater courage for the wedding day.
My story is a little different and I’d appreciate a little advice if you’ve been in similar situation.
I was married 10 and half years. Back in 2014 we started arguing a lot. He kept telling me he’s not happy and he HATES me. That hurt a lot. We have one child. I went through immense pain to have her (ART/IVF)…. I thought he loved me a lot why would he say that. Well, June 2014 I found a picture of a girl on his phone (yes I know snooping is bad, but my marriage was on the line). His family knew about the girl and he was suppose to marry her after divorcing me. I got so sad. That same month I recieved separation papers. I thought ok, if this is how it’s gonna be then why not divorce. (He didn’t want to give me alimony so he filed seperation). HA!
Anyways, I married him when he had no job, and was a student. I supported and helped this man. I gave up my education, and career just so I can be there for him.
During the whole time we were married he was very controlling. I couldn’t dress how I wanted (I dress modestly and never show skin), I couldn’t even make my own freinds coz he wanted me to be freinds only with his freinds wives. I used to get screamed at if I said no to anything he commanded. I used to get cursed. And he had also hit me and tried to choke me to death. You know the funny part, I never called the police coz , a) I loved him, and, b) I was ashamed. He constantly lied to me. Back in 2012 he was caught stealing a pair of pants and when I found out I was heart broken and in utter shock (this man’s an engineer!)
Anyways long story short, 2015 our divorce was final and he got remarried within 3 months. This Bastard was sleeping with me the whole time whilst we were going through divorce and post divorce up until just recently. Now his new wife is here. He acts super mean to me. He degrades and belittled me. He’s alienated me from freinds , family, my own daughter. And he is playing happy families with this new woman whilst he actually cheated on her!..
It’s my fault for letting him do this to me, but all I wanna know is how to get this hurt and pain away from my heart.
He goes round telling people lies about me and everyone Hates me! I feel so alone and I don’t even have anyone in my life. How does he get to be so happy whilst he hurt me this way is what I like to know.
Btw. I don’t bother his new wife, I am not happy she’s with him but then again I’m waiting for the day he treat her like shit same way her did me.
I was with my partner for 36 years and we have 5 grown up children between us and 9 grandchildren . 3 years ago he cheated on me . he left and went to live with her . 2 months later we got back together and he wanted to get married , which we did a few months later . In the following two years I found he was still seeing her, including just before and after our marriage . He came up with all sorts of excuses and I stupidly believed him and forgave him.nthe last time it happened I had just retired so he suggested I go work with him as he has own business . We were even happier than before( there had never been any problems in our relationship ) . Last year he started talking about starting the gym and one night he was acting strange . I asked if he had been to see her again and he denied it and acted even more loving . Two days later he broke down and said he was depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about her . For the first time I lost it and dumped him on her doorstep . Even as I told him to get out of the car he insisted we didn’t “need to do this ” from the moment she opened. The door and ushered him in he changed towards me.had told lie after lie accusing me of harassing him . I couldn’t afford solicitor so he divorced me on unreasonable behaviour saying I had been abusive throughout our whole relationship. He turned his back on his children to start with . When they rang him she would pick up phone and either hang up or tell them they had to go through solicitor to talk to him . He now has a little contact wih them . He has turned his back on all of his family . i have spoken to him once since we split at a hospital where I was visiting his brother and he finally turned up to see him. We were having a civil conversation and she appeared and punched me in the mouth shouting that I had made her life hell for two years! .he later told the kids he had wanted to kill her for it and then in his police statement told them he didn’t even see her hit me and the two of them have made out that I had provoked it. I forgave him so easily for the first few times because I thought he was having a mid life crisis and I believed him as I didn’t realise he could be such a liar . I have got over him so much better now, after realising what a nasty , lying, person he is but what I don’t understand is why I still think about him daily and cry so much still . I have the best kids and family and friends you could ever wish for and all he has is her, who by his own words is a psychopath . I have had to go back to work full time, which has been my life saver and it has helped build my confidence but I am so hurt and angry still . I can’t get over how you can be with a person for so long and go through everything we have ( I had cancer 7 years ago and I was with his mum when she passed away 4 years ago,) and then have that person treat you like this. We would drive to work and he would reach out to hold my hand . How does someone act thus way , then lie and cheat and carry on hurting them after as well . Please can someone help me to understand.
Thank you, I needed to read this today….just found out that my ex is engaged to a DREADFUL girl with kids and a pending divorce. I need to refocus my emotions on myself and find my own happy, wherever that may be…
Okay. I have to be the woman to interject from the opposite perspective. I am divorced myself. My divorce was mutual and civil. Ex husband is remarried to a woman who thinks he is the WORLD. You know what? He deserves that! I was NEVER the individual who thought that my divorce meant that I could go out and live MY life but my EX had to be bound to ME forever! I am engaged again myself. My fiancé’s EX wife of five years has told him outright that he has NO RIGHT to re-marry! During their marriage, my fiancé’s ex was horribly psychically and mentally abussive to him. They have three children. Their final child was forced on my fiancé under threat of divorce from her. Four months after the birth of their third child, she threatend to divorce him again if he didn’t give her a fourth. He put his foot down and told her no. Two months later she was having an affair. She left him shortly after that for her affair partner. They divorced. A year later, her affair partner kicked her out of his home. She called begging her ex husband back claiming she would “have to live in her car” otherwise. He told her NO, of course. She has been consistanty and horrifically abusive to her ex husband the entire five years they have been divorced. Calling him horrific names. Claiming him to be an inept parent. My fiancé and I have been together for a little over a year now. Since she found out he was getting re-married, she has sent texts daily claiming things like “You don’t REALY want HER.” And “She is just a cheap replacement for your TRUE love.”(Her.) She even sent a text reading “Do me a favor. On your wedding day, kiss my children goodbye for me. Explane to them that your selfishness is the reason that they no longer have a mother!” My fiancé has called me his angel. The light he discovered after years spent in darkness. The absolute love of his life. You know what? HE deserves that!!! He is a good, soft, kind, loving and intelligent man. What should be a joyous time in my life is being destroyed by his EX wife and for WHAT? Because I had the AUDACITY to fall in love with HER PROPERTY?! That is my final point. NO!!! Divorce does NOT mean YOU can live YOUR life but your EX can not!!! NO!! Divorce does NOT mean that your ex’s only rightful place for the rest of their lives is to be the other parent to “your” children!! You will please forgive (or don’t) my inability at this point to feel sympathy for DIVORCED individuals who are intolerant of their EX moving on. No one is entitled to any sence of ownership of an EX spouse. They are HUMAN BEINGS just as you are!
It sounds like your fiance’s ex was blackmailing your fiance. I understand why you would feel angry especially if she is still interfering in your life.
I cant speak for everyone else here but from what I’ve read, i think most people are just hurting here and want to talk about it. I dont think many people here are blackmailing their ex.
My ex is getting married next month and it hurt like hell. We have the right to hurt, doesnt matter if it the divorce happened yesterday or 20 years ago! Please keep that in mind.
Yes, you have the right to hurt, but not take it out on the new wife or the ex husband, especially if the marriage broke up because you had an extra marital affair.
Nikki DeLa Garza
Thank you. I felt that I was the only one overreacting. I thought its been so long and I’m still crying over a marriage that ended so many years ago. I had so many emotions: she gets the big proposal and the nice ring, my son official has a step-mom, he is happy and I’m still alone in life, why.. I realized it is not my time right now and in time I’m sure someone amazing will be put in my path. When I got the text that he was proposing to her. I didn’t know how to react at first but then all the emotions hit. I cried to my mom and thought, why… I’m alone Mook and I gave this man everything and I’m still alone and he is happy in love. Today is the day he proposes and it still stings. I will get over it in time. But it’s nice to know that others feel the same way and for all the friends that told me. Get over it. You don’t still love him, right? You are better off. It still hurts people. It still hurts. So I thank you for this blog!!
I’m so sorry to hear that! It sounds like you’re in so much pain. Idk the whole situation but maybe the reason you havent met anyone yet is because you’re not over him yet. I know seeing your ex getting married and moving on hurts because that’s whats happened to me too, but try to think of, or even write a list of hurtful things that he did to you. Whenever you feel hurt, or long for him, look at that list. It’s easy to get carried away because the passege of time makes everything look better than it actually was. I wish you a good life with a wonderful new partner on your side who values and loves you!
I am actually in the opposite boat. I am the one getting married and telling my ex was very tough for me. He is dating someone, probably far from getting married. I am so happy with my soon to be husband but the hurt over my past relationship lingers. My ex was the biggest love of my life. I have come to realize that the hurt will probably always be there but I choose to be happy now with a man who is a much better partner for me. I lost so much time mourning my ex who didn’t want to be with me already. I choose to take a chance and be happy now. The pain exists though. And I think that’s ok.
Good for you for doing what you know will make you happy. Instead of hanging onto the feelings of what didn’t work, try to focus on the wonderful life you are about to have with this man who adores you and will treat you how you deserve to be treated! I know you like yourself more than spending energy thinking about the past–about a man who didn’t want to be with you. Be smart and embrace the happiness you are going to have with a deeply committed man who wants to give you the best life he can!! Enjoy it!!
I’ve read many of the comments here and my heart goes out to everyone who had to deal with this unfair, and painful situation. No one deserves to be treated this way but know that this shell pass too like everything else.
I’ve been going through a very similar situation. It looks like this is nothing unique. My ex husband is getting married next month to the girl he’s most likely cheated with. He cheated but idk if it was with her or another and frankly, don’t even care.
It hurt like hell at first but it gets better. He lied and cheated and done so many other things that i wish i never tolerated, but honestly, i feel sorry for the girl who gets him because a leopard cannot change his stripes.
When i saw on FB how well he treats her right now and travels with her etc i thought too, Why didnt he do those things with me? when i so desperatly wanted that. Didnt matter how much i asked him he would not. Refused counselling and all that too.
We used to have a similar relationship what they have now (when we dated and were engaged.)
But i tell you this much; right now it may seem they got the happy ending, but they most likely not. That will change.
When you are in a new relationship, you’re on your best behavior. Give it a few more months, years, they get comfortable again and the same shit starts all over again but this time with someone else.
When someone goes straight from one long marriage to the next, they have not had time to process their previous failed relationship so these people are more likely to make the same mistakes. ….and that is one of the reasons why more 2nd marriages fail then first ones. There’s only a 37% chance that their marriage will make it as 67% of senond marriages end in divorce.
So when you see your ex getting married, that is not the happy ending. That is a happy beginning. The ending is yet to be seen. So dont despair. Now i dont say i wish anyone ill, but i sure dont wish the cheating bastards well. Im no Mother Theresa, and they sure dont deserve being happy when they caused so much misery.
I’m not going out of my way to harm anyone, because i know and trust that Karma will be taking care of that.
I desperately wanted children and he refused that to me, and that is the biggest hurt that i find hard to forgive. So that’s something that im dreading to see, but then again, im not looking at his FB anymore. Even if i hear it from one of our friends i prolly survive. I did survive the worse.
I think this is where focusing on our lives becomes crucial; make a happy life for yourself. They say, a happy life is the best revenge! Then when something good happens to him won’t hit you so hard.
I’m at a point now where I’m glad to be rid of him because i see what a dump of a person he is. I just wish it ended sooner and didnt waste my precious 15 years on him and sacrificed so much in the process. But what’s done is done and you learn your lessons.
I think the most important thing is to not make the same mistakes. To be able to tell when the right person comes along, and when meeting “lemons” on the way, know not to waste your precious time again.
Wish you all fast recovery from this awful situation! It can be done, they don’t deserve your tears! You’re the only one that matters now (and your children if you got any), they don’t matter anymore.
thanks for this insight. i feel the same way after parting ways for 2 years and now he is married to a new girl he met recently. we have 4 kids and the new wife wont let me talk about the kids welfare with him. i wish them a bunch of kids and then he starts the same treatment he did to me. i will celebrate and cheer the girl.
Moorem, im so sorry! It sounds like you’re in so much pain. Idk the whole situation but maybe the reason you havent met anyone yet is because you’re not over him yet. I know seeing your ex getting married and moving on hurts because that’s whats happened to me too, but try to think of, or even write a list of hurtful things that he did to you. Whenever you feel hurt, or long for him, look at that list. It’s easy to get carried away because the passege of time makes everything look better than it actually was. I wish you a good life with a wonderful new partner on your side who values and loves you!
Never mind that! Meant to post this for the person above: Nikki DeLa Garza. Should have looked closer! Lol
I just found out that my ex-husband is remarried. Despite the fact that my ex-husband had been extremely abusive and had cheated on me several times. I broke into tears seeing that photo. The photo of them hugging took me right to the moment when just immediately after we were married we were looking. I share a 5-year-old son with my ex-husband and the child custody case is still going on and we got divorced last year. I feel so sad that he actually did all this to me and my son apart from abusing us and causing us misery. I hope his new wife will soon find out his true colour and the same pattern will repeat.
You don’t have to hope for that. It will happen (which is so awful for your son.) So actually, you should try NOT to hope for that for your son’s sake. I know it is difficult not to think about how he hurt you, and how he is still trying to hurt you through a custody battle, but try to focus on your own life and how to make that better, so that he won’t even be in your thoughts. That might mean being more social, working on your physical and emotional health, finding new hobbies and living each day to its fullest. It isn’t easy, I know. But it’s time to think about YOU (and your son, of course) and start living your authentic life–which means a life that makes you happy!!
As I write this tears are streaming down my face. I’m in the same boat as the many who have commented before me. My Relationship went south and my ex married the woman he was cheating on me with, on my birthday. I do everything in my power to avoid any contact with him, but today almost six months after his wedding he came to pick up our 4 year old. We didn’t speak, but I noticed his left hand in his pocket the whole time he was in my presence. Though I knew he was married, all of the pain I had been feeling just came rushing back to the surface. I feel so angry. It’s unfair that this woman would recieve the ultimate return on my investment. I am not in a relationship, and I feel like damaged goods. And the idea that he is so cowardice to never even mention that he was getting married and then proceed to hide his wedding ring makes me sick to my stomach. I just want this pain and hurt to go away. The only good that has come from this situation is that my son seems to like the woman, and for their sake that is a blessing.
Dear JimTim – it has been five months since you posted this msg and I hope you’re in better place now. I just learned myself that my ex also got engaged with the woman he cheated on me. It is devastating! So many feelings/emotions are coming back. However, reading this blog and most of the comments made me realize that whatever our exes did with us, they are going to do with the next person as well. They didn’t change, and won’t change. How sad is for a person to marry a cheater? How can they fully trust each other knowing that they started a relationship with lies? Just think, whatever baggage he had with you, he’s throwing at her now and it’s her problem, not yours anymore. One blog that helped me a lot through my divorce is ChumpLady. I hope you’re in a better place with yourself now. I’m mad as hell at my ex, but I know it’s part of the process and I’ll get over it =)
Thanks for sharing your experience here. I’ve been divorced for 3 years. It was a painful divorce, but I can say that I’m much happier now than I was in the 11 years of my marriage. He cheated on me, but the reason of our divorce was beyond that. Long story short…he has been living together with the woman he cheated on me for the past 2.5 yrs and I just learned from my 9 yro son that his dad just got engaged. My children were with him this past weekend and he and his gf decided to get engaged in front of the kids. I don’t even know how I am feeling right now, many feelings/emotions that I thought didn’t exist anymore came back to life. I understand it’s normal for me to feel this way, I just wished they didn’t have the kids involved on that. My 13 yro daughter likes his, now, fiancee, my son not so much, however both feel between their father, mother, and now their future stepmother 😝. I don’t talk bad about my ex or his fiancee and I believe he doesn’t say anything about me as well, but I’m sure they can feel the tension.
I’m sorry but I have to take sides here. They got engaged in front of the kids?? In very poor taste in my opinion. Those poor kids. Very very selfish thing to do. A much better, more selfless way from a better parent would have been to get engaged and then before anyone found out, sit his kids down and tell them, and explain all the things a good dad should, like : my love for you guys will never change, I hope you will accept so and so not as your mother but as a source of support and friendship for you, nothing w your mom and you guys will change, I could not love you any more than i do, etc. etc. If they got engaged in front of the kids, then the kids had to act happy, and weren’t permitted to show their true feelings, which honestly could have been mixed. What are these people thinking?????? Ugh. I’m so sorry. What you can do is be there for your kids and try to keep everything normal for them and not talk badly about either of them. You’ll be fine. They, on the other hand really need to grow up and get over themselves.
I just got a call from my ex-wife of 27 years. We’ve been divorced for 3 years. We have remained very good friends ever since. It was an amicable divorce. We were empty nesters. Our daughter was grown and moved in with her boyfriend, we kinda look at each other and our situation and thought, is this it? We sort of became disillusioned with the whole idea of just us and so we decided to call it quits. It wasn’t fun even when we did. The divorce wasn’t bad, but the finality kind of hit hard.
Anyway, she called me today to tell me that she had gotten engaged. It felt like I got kicked in the nuts. I knew something was up, but you never really want to admit it. But it’s there tickling in the back of your head. She called kind of crying. i thought something was wrong, but she said she had to make this call to tell me something important and she was afraid, but she finally let it out. I was taken aback like i said, but I grinned and beared it. Told her that I was happy for her and wished her the best.
I suppose now the only calls i’ll get from her will be anything concerning our daughter. My daughter doesn’t really communicate with either of us anymore after the divorce. She’s been fairly bitter about the whole thing, so she figures it’s easier to ghost us to deal with it rather than putting on a brave face and going with the flow. She’s an adult, so she can work it out and whenever she’s ready to reach out, we’ll be there. I hope. Either way, this is how it is now huh?
I’ll never get married again. There isn’t anything in it for me anymore. I already know everything i need to know from marriage. I’ve been in love, i’ve loved, had a family, became successful together, did great things together, and now I’m on my own. It gets lonely sometimes and I’ve been on a few dates, but nothing ever pans out because people don’t have their crap together i suppose. So I’ll just do what I want when I want and not have to worry about being accountable to anyone but myself at this point.
I ran across this blog and I’m glad I did. I read all of your responses and it’s been interesting. Thank you for sharing and I hope all of you find peace and comfort where you can.
Thank you for reaching out. You sound like such a wonderful man, and I loved the way you handled your ex’s engagement. What a class act you are. I’m not saying you have to get married again, but what i wish for you is that you find love again–just for the joy of love, not for marriage. Who cares about marriage? I also pray that your daughter comes to peace with the divorce and comes back to you guys. That must be so difficult. Just remember that you deserve to be happy and loved and in a healthy, loving relationship if that’s what you want. All my best.
My wife wanted a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage! I tried hard to save it until I found out she was seeing another man. Let me add that I loved my wife and would have done anything to save our marriage, I worked like a dog to finance her business ventures, nice house and cars! then she was gone! It knocked me to the floor! I picked myself up and filed for divorce! During the wait I met my future wife and a year after the final divorce we were married. My ex wanted me to sign some papers and came by my office. (hadn’t seen her in over 18 months) She saw a wedding picture of my new wife and I on my desk, grabbed my left hand and saw the ring and went ballistic! I was stunned! After finally calming her down she ask me why did I go off and get married? Why didn’t I wait for her! she still loved me and knew I still loved her! I told her you wanted the divorce, You didn’t want to fix it so you should be happy because you got what you wanted Or did she? After she left I thought to myself that for the first time since that day almost 2 years ago when she first told me she wanted a divorce I felt sorry for her and how happy my life was now and grateful that I moved on. I hope my ex finds her happy life but her being unfaithful would have been the end of our marriage anyway and I told her that when she left my office.
Wow. What a story. I feel sorry for her. She is a very confused person. Happy that you are happy!
We divorced 25 years ago. I never remarried, nor did he .. till now. He will marry next month. How weird are these feelings I am having? I’m actually very sad. Why on earth would that be? I know who he is marrying. They’ve been together over 5 years and I must say, she’s lovely. If I was asked to hand pick a new partner for him, she would be it.
I honestly didn’t realize I had retained a sort of ‘ownership’. I could never call him my ‘ex’, it was always ‘my former’. Sure, we have both had our share of relationships over the years, but neither of us got to the point of wanting to remarry. I’m unrealistically emotional right now. I’m feeling the same way I did all those years ago when we signed the final documents. I cried that day. All day. My heart felt truly broken … and here I go again.
We were married 30 years when we divorced. Been divorced 12 years now and neither of us remarried. but he is getting remarried next weekend. I feel exactly like you did Dee. Found this site doing a search for why I was feeling this way. I couldn’t understand it.
i feel abit ok now realising that im not alone in this emotional tormoil. we separated early 2018 and i made sure we dont meet, though with few phone communication here and there. we have 4 kids whom he doesnt provide for despite asking for help. we actually separated because he refused to get a job after he was laid off and started insulting me which led me to having low self esteem. he even started with physical abuse which i couldnt take. one morning we had a similar urguement and he left me preparing to take kids to school while still late for work. as usual, he was used to walking out when he is angry and then call late at night to return. he called and i told him to just go as he said and thats how our separartion came. somehow, i badly needed the separtion and had planned for it about 3 years prior. i was happy. i rejected his calls and FB contact for sometimes but then we later kept the communication on and off when i needed to. i was happy finally it was over. he was mean, selfish and only thought about himself. he was manipulative and lazy too. infact, i was tired of his laziness, couldnt even look for handy jobs. we were off sex for the final one year after the birth of our last born.
so after staying separated, he has still not found a job only once and off jobs. i was actaully the main breadwinner for a long time and thus i felt i shouldnt feed a grown ass man. despite having the children, i have no common interest with him, we have never had same friend especially his friend are the drunkard friends and with mesy lifestyles. on the other hand, im development consciuos always looking for opportunities for growth thus i felt this man is not for me in my future development plans. not that i didnt sell development ideas, but he can never sustain such. im a university graduate when he is a secondary school leaver and i think this made our whole differences even in the way we reason. he was however a good father when we were together, but has not seen the kids since we parted, only through phone. so this year, as usual i called to ask him for school fees, whch he doesnt provide anyway, a woman picked his phone and introduced herself as th new wife. she was aware about my existence and told me much on what he has been told about each kids. we actually talked as friends and i told her to inform him that i called. i was happy for them
that night was the longest in my life. i couldnt belive he had moved on. realising that he had always sending me suggestive messages of getting together which i couldnt allow as i was concinced i was over him. i called the following day to hear from him. we talked for lenth but the wife could interject showing me she is the new wife and i should actually be talking to her all matters children. even telling me they did a civil marriage which i never cared anyway but i told hi we will have the battle for child upkeep which im still meditating on.
well, he has been in this relation for less than 6 months and i feel offended that the new wife has taken over so strongly. we have been together for about 13 years but married for 7 years and lived under one roof for 5.5 years which was terrible. to say the truth, i stayed in a bad marriage just to get all my kids. im aware that we have nothing in common and i foresaw that when i moved to live under one roof mid 2012 and since then, i have been finding the worst side of him. he never was ambitious, i was earning 3 times his earnings and too much immaturity, he is actually 2.5 years younger than i which i think made him to think im his mother,
well, right now,for the last two weeks since we talked, i feel bad, i feel nothing good can come out of this marriage, i feel he should just mess up with this one too, especially the fact that that wife had the audencity that i should give them the boys i remain with girls for the man to provide for. He still doent have job but the new wife is providing for him now, he has told her all the bad things that i mistreated him, when he actually did it. i think writing all this makes my heart lighter like releasing some pent up emotions. i have talked to some friends who say i give them 2 years. but do i really want him? no way. i have had a few flings not serious but i want more to concentrate on my career.
i want to get this feeling out. im surprised that for the 2 years we have been apart, i was so happy that im over him. i even told him to get married to someone else adn now im wondering why now.
but thank God for this forum that im somehow finding the answer to these feelings. It just normal and not that i want his relationship. i should be happy he ifnally moved on and i can now look forward to my progress.
Help me Lord.
Celeste Carter Jones
I think when it comes to remarrying, women also tend to not have as much free time to meet other people, because there’s still a disproportionate amount of work and responsibilities that falls onto women than men both pre- and post-divorce with work, childcare, unpaid domestic labor, etc. So I think it’s more about the resources (including time and energy and finances) than desires or lack thereof when it comes to fewer women getting remarried or delaying it. Especially if children are younger at the time of divorce. But also, thank you for writing this! I’m not reading it for my soon to be ex husband, but rather a person I loved for many years before I met my husband who’s getting married tomorrow… Thought I had buried that heartache a long time ago, but… Apparently not. Thank you for this article. It helped to read it and th comments from others feeling this set of emotions, too!
I went looking for advice after learning that my ex fiancé got married. She abandoned our only child and I on Christmas of 2014. I heard from her once in May of 2015. Then today I found out she got married with the guy she ran away with back then. It really messed with both my child and I. I just shut down. Our daughter, 13 at the time, became really angry with her mother.
We both ended up in counselling over the years, not that it did much good. They kept telling both of us to let go, move on, and be glad for what we do have. Sound advice for people who can let go. We both had so many questions about why she did what she did. Its obvious that both of us still love her on some level, but we’ll never get answers as she’ll never contact us.
Your post has some good advice. Maybe we can finally let go of the past and move on.