When I think of a bully, I think of grade school or middle school kids being mean on the playground. But any one at any age can be a bully and that includes during divorce. I’m talking about the divorce bully.
When people are getting divorced, they deal with all kinds of emotions: resentment, anger, hurt, bitterness, fear, confusion and more. Sometimes, a person can take their emotions–especially anger combined with fear, and become a divorce bully.
Reasons a person becomes a bully in divorce:
1. Self-protection: The bully feels like if he is the aggressor, by scaring or threatening her, she won’t to be able to hurt him.
2. Fear: The divorce bully, just like you, is scared. Really scared. But they choose to keep that fear underneath the anger.
3. Pain: The divorce bully is hurting badly and again, they choose to bury their pain underneath their tough bullying shell.
Here are few statements a divorce bully might say to his/her ex:
“The judge is going to rule in my favor.”
“You are going to regret this until the day you die.”
“I’m going to make sure the kids never speak to you, ever again.”
“I feel sorry for you because you’re going to lose everything.”
“You are nothing without me.”
6 tips to coping with a divorce bully
1. Realize that you don’t deserve this.
The divorce bully is just desperately trying to keep his power and intimidate you to cope with his own insecurities. My dad used to say (during my divorce), “No matter how scared you are, he is just as scared if not more.”
2. Realize that you can’t change or reason with the bully.
Let the bully do his thing. If you think you can talk to him to try to get him to be nicer, you can try, but you might be disappointed. The bully might actually get worse if you try to smooth things out in an amicable way. The best thing is space. It’s kind of like when a child displays bad behavior. You can scream and yell at the child, or you can ignore the behavior and that shows the child that he/she isn’t getting to you. So, hopefully, the child stops the behavior because it’s not “working” for them.
3. Keep a journal.
Write down all incidents of bullying, what your ex is saying to you, and things he/she is doing. You might need this in court, or to show your attorney or mediator, but it’s also validating and healthy to journal. It makes you see how inappropriate the behavior actually is. It’s like you actually have it on record.
4. Engage in self care.
A divorce bully can impact your mental and physical health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, panic attacks and low self-esteem. Additionally, physically, headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, frequent illness and digestive problems can come from being bullied. Take care of yourself by not missing your doctors’ appointments, by getting spa treatments, by going to therapy, by exercising and doing yoga, by being kind to yourself, and by giving yourself what only you know you need.
5. Put together your divorce support team.
What is a divorce support team? It starts with friends and family and people you trust, but also includes professionals like a therapist, divorce coach, attorney, mediator, financial advisor, and more. Being bullied is hard to deal with. Talking, venting and expressing your feelings is important. The professionals help keep you grounded so you know what’s really happening in the divorce, and not have the stress of what the bully is telling you is happening in the divorce.
6. Stay safe.
There’s bullying and then there’s a person who might actually harm you. Know the difference and if at any time you feel that your physical safety is in danger, seek help immediately. Do not wait.
In closing, here’s what I want to say about the divorce bully. Don’t believe the bully. The bully is fucking with your head. The bully wants you to be scared and stressed so that you back down and give him what he wants in the divorce, whether that’s the parenting schedule he wants or an unequal division of assets or less maintenance or child support, and more. The bully wants you to sacrifice what you think you deserve because of fear of him. Don’t let the bully do that to you.
Like this article? Check out, “Riding The Roller Coaster of Divorce”
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