Should you change your name back after divorce? There is no right or wrong answer. It’s a question only you can answer. But, if you decide changing your name back is right for you, this article will provide your name change after divorce checklist!
Should you change your name back after divorce?
Let’s address it. If you’re a woman, you’re born with a name, and you have that name your whole life. It’s all you know.
And then one day, you get married and you change that name because you are taking your new partner’s name. It’s exciting and fun and new, and you get to buy glasses and towels with your new initials on them! I get it. I was there. And you go on your honeymoon and at the hotel they call you Mrs. So and So. It’s a wonderful feeling.
But, sometimes things change. They change to the point where you and your husband end up divorced (which is why you are on this website.) AND, you still have your new (or not so new) name. So, do you keep it? Or do you change it back to your maiden name?
Some people keep their married name forever, some change back, and some people change from husband number one to husband number two. (Not that I’m judging, I promise.)
Let me start off with the best piece of advice I think I can offer. For anyone who is getting divorced, make sure that your divorce decree gives you the option of changing your name back to your maiden name. Let me explain why.
I recently met two women who both told me they had been divorced for a long time (years.) Neither one changed their name back, and it wasn’t because they didn’t want to. They both stated that their attorneys didn’t put the option in their decrees. So, now they have to get an amendment to their divorce decree which means spending more money on attorney fees and a court appearance.
In other words, they need to get permission from their ex to change their name back! The fact that their right to change their name back wasn’t in their divorce decree is just bad lawyering.
So, make sure it is in the divorce agreement. Most ex husbands don’t really care, in fact, I know a few who are extremely enthusiastic about having their ex go back to her dad’s name, either because they already have another Mrs. So and So lined up, or they are so angry and resentful that they don’t want their ex having their name anymore.
The biggest thing I can tell women is that changing your name back or sticking with your married name is a personal choice and everyone is entitled to do whatever she wishes.
Some people keep their married name because they don’t want to confuse their children or the children’s friends. In my opinion, I don’t think this is a big deal because if your kids’ friends call you Mrs. So and So, you don’t have to correct a third grader and say, “I’m sorry, can you please call me Ms. So and So (your maiden name)” That would be ridiculous. Just don’t say anything. Allow them to call you Mrs. So and So. What’s so bad about that?
It’s kind of like if you are Jewish and someone says “Merry Christmas.” Why correct them? Just accept the sentiment and move on. Just my opinion.
Another person might hate their ex so much, that all she wants to do is change her name back to get away from him, because she thinks it’s going to help her get over him. BAD IDEA. Don’t do it for that reason. Find other ways to deal with your hate and your bitterness. I don’t think changing your name back isn’t going to help.
If you do change your name back, do it for yourself. Do it for your profession. Or do it because YOU want that name back. I did it because I LOVE my name and I LOVE my father and I wanted his name back.
Incidentally, I know a lot of women who are still happily married who never changed their name in the first place, either because they liked it, or they wanted to remain with that name for their profession. I respect that. Always have.
But, I also respect those who want to keep their married name. If you just feel comfortable and this is who you were, and you wish to stay that way, than you have the right to keep it. No one should judge that.
Lastly, there are women who don’t want to change their name back after divorce because they think it will take a ton of time. I feel I owe it to you to tell you, I changed my name back and it was a piece of cake! No big deal at all!
Sure, it took a little bit of time, but for the gratification and pride I felt having my old name back, it was so worth it.
If you feel like you are ready, here is your name change after divorce checklist!
1. Have your divorce decree and copies of it with you at all times. You will be needing it a lot the first few weeks.
2. Go to the Social Security office and change your S.S. # first. (call or look online to find out what you need to bring with you.)
3. Go to the DMV and change your driver’s license. (find out what you need to bring ahead of time.)
4. Go to your bank and change your accounts.
5. After that, just start gradually changing it. Every time you get your mail, there will be things you will see you need to change. It almost becomes fun, because it gives you this feeling of productivity and it isn’t hard.
That’s pretty much it. The process takes a long time before everything is changed, but who cares? It doesn’t take a lot of YOUR time.
I do want to mention that it’s important not to change your name back until you feel emotionally ready. I’m really glad I waited until I felt like it was the right time. I waited a few years after my divorce, and so I was ready. There was no raw emotion in doing it.
In closing, remember this. No matter what name you have, you are you, and your initials, your signature, and what name people refer to you as makes so little difference in the big picture. What does make a huge difference is the person you are, what’s in your core, what’s in your heart, and what you give to the world.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
Share
lisa thomson
Interesting points you make, here. I changed my name about 1 year after my separation. I ended my marriage and it didn’t feel right keeping his name. I found out a few years later that one of my children were slightly offended by my name change. Suprising? Yes, but he understood as he got older. But that’s one thing I didn’t really consider ‘Will my kids be offended?’ I was so busy worrying about the kids in numerous other ways, i didn’t realize this simple change would have an impact.
Divorced Kat
It’s such a personal choice. For me, I was married only three years and we don’t have children, so it was a no brainer. But, that doesn’t mean it was easy. I wrote about the experience in my blog just this week! http://1styrdivorce.blogspot.com/2013/04/losing-20000-changing-my-name-and.html
shawna
I just received my finally decree, and my ex is requesting I take my maiden name back. I’ve had his name longer than my own and don’t want to change as of yet. I’m really stuck on if this is something I HAVE to do!?
b
In Canada, a woman can always revert to her maiden name.. no court required.
Wendy
I’ll tell you right now – it isn’t as simple as going to the DMV and the Social Security to change my name back to my maiden name. I have to go to court and make a legal name change because my request to use my maiden name wasn’t put in my divorce decree. And, every time I go to the DMV, I have to show my birth certificate and my marriage certificate to show how I segued from one to the other. The judge told me that I could use my maiden name anytime, but that simply isn’t true. I kept it because my kids were very young. I didn’t care what their friends called me. I cared that the school knew I was their mother and, even then, I was asked if my name and the kids’ names were the same. But, I have also been assumed to be Hispanic when I’m not and, in some cases, the recent anti-Hispanic hysteria may have been at play in delays in services for myself. People see the name and made assumptions – such as looking literally over my head to find the person whose name they’re calling instead of realizing that the short freckled redhead in front of them might be her. I’d love to use both names WITHOUT a hyphen, but there seems to be an obsession with hyphens and I am unable to stop people from using it even though I never put one in. So, in response to your post on HuffPost, it ISN’T as simple as going to the DMV and then Social Security to change your name back.
Jackie Pilossoph
I am sorry you are having so much trouble. That really stinks. But, if you read the blog post, it clearly states that it ISN’T only going to the DMV and changing your license. That in fact, you must have it in your divorce decree that you have the right to change it back.
Jennifer
This is a great reminder. I would add the passport to this list! For some places, your passport needs to be valid for at least 5 months to go there, so changing it as soon as possible starts that clock. Don’t wait until a trip is being planned!
Jill
I am really struggling with this decision. A) My lawyer did ask me and at the time, I wanted to keep the name because I have small children and had no intention of ever remarrying. B) The aforementioned children C) The cost to change it. I, myself, want my name back. My married name is not my name. In fact, I think if i were ever to remarry, I would stick with my maiden name. I did find out that I am able to bypass lawyers to make this change for a considerable cost savings, but I was lucky to have someone help me navigate the legal system. It’s my kids that keep me from taking the plunge. They are too young to understand. In fact, my 3 year old is more concerned with what his last name is– I am certain he won’t care about mine. I think it is this stigma that is keeping me from doing it. That somehow, I am not a good mom or a failure, when in reality, I am a better mom sans divorce. I just hope I make the right decision…..
Name for Facebook
Confused as to proper way to change my name. I am divorced with grown children. I don’t know whether to keep my maiden name, my birth name, or use my birth name as my middle name which I do for social security but use a different name for DMV. I have been divorced for many years and yet don’t want to give up entirely my maiden name. Social Security Card says something different as well. Help?
V. Nicharico
My concern on this issue is that my entire professional life is tied to my married name. My divorce is only just now in the process, but I can’t seem to get a straight answer as to whether I can go back to my maiden name but continue to use my married name professionally. I’m an artist and writer, so I don’t want to confuse my clients by suddenly changing everything, but neither do I want to go back through a 20 year old catalog of work and try to change signatures. Would I need a DBA for that? Professionally, I will always be associated with his last name, but personally, I don’t want it.
Susanna
I’m going through a divorce, and changing my name back to my maiden name, which is “Keister”. I don’t really want to go through life again being called Keister. Then again, should I just get over it, it’s not like I was mistreated by my father or mother, it’s just the sound of the name and what it means in german. So I’ve asked my attny if I can change my last name to my middle name (which was my grandmother’s last name!), but she thinks I’d probably have to do a legal name change. And also, I don’t know what I’d tell my dad about not wanting to be a “Keister” again.
Jackie Pilossoph
Wear your name proud or don’t take it back. In other words, don’t do it unless you really want to do it. Another option: you could change it to something similar to Keister. “Kester” or something like that. Just be happy and proud. That’s the most important thing.
Demian D
I am recently divorced after a 20+ year marriage. I made sure the divirce decree said I have the option of changing my name but it does not specify my maiden name. I did this intentionally because I knew I did not want to be associated with my ex in any way, especially my name after divorce. I also knew I did not want togo back to my maiden name, which was complicated and I never liked any way. You can go through an official legal process to change your name to something else entirely. Rarely is this process denied. It is a hassle but your name is important. There are many women who do not want to keep the married last name and do not want their father’s last name. Famiky situations are complicated and there is no reason to be forced to be called by a name you do not like. if you want a new last name, go for it!
Sheryl
Jackie, In 1981 I was divorced and it was a long distance divorce (he was in Alaska, I was in Missouri). In 1982 I remarried and because I believed I had gotten my maiden name back, that was the name used on our marriage certificate. I just found out that ex did not mark the correct name change box and therefore I still had his name. (I don’t remember ever receiving a copy of the decree). My husband and I have been married 37 years, we have grown children. Do I need to go see a lawyer about this? Ex is deceased. Thank you!
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m not qualified to answer this. I would call a divorce attorney and ask. I don’t think they would charge you for a consultation.
Diane Wilson
I did not know that you have to have it in the divorce decree! I’m sure the mediator asked if I was changing my name back two years ago when I went through the divorce. At the time, I didn’t care and thought it would be a hassle so I told him ‘no’. However, he did not impress the importance of having the option in the decree. Now I have a soulmate and we are talking about the possibility of marriage. Will changing my name from my ex’s to my soulmate’s ALSO require a court order?! Please tell me ‘no’.
Ben
Thank you for your blog. It has been very helpful for me…even as a male going through the divorce process.
I think maybe you and your readers might like to here from the male perspective / experience on this subject. For me and my divorce experience my X changing back to her maiden last name has been an extremely important issue.
I do not want mine or my children’s last name to be associated in anyway with my X wife and her past or future poor choices. Making matters worse my X wife and mother both shared the same first name. I discussed this matter with my family. With unanimous and very opinionated support for the X to change her last name.
In my situation my X has actually be able to hold it as a barging chip, although we included changing it within the divorce decree. Truly, I really have no recourse to force her to take the steps she must do in order to change her last name.
Dor
Name change was important to me when my son got engaged
I wanted to go back to my maiden name to have that on the invitation.
I also wanted to be introduced in the wedding as Ms.maiden name.
It was not stated in my divorce decree.
I had another lawyer do it who’s was cheaper than my divorce lawyer
It was a virtual court hearing during Covid.
DMV was the most difficult