Jackie, I’ve been divorced for 4 years and need some divorce advice. My husband fell in love with another woman. He even said that if he had a plate of food I was only 1 of the items while she was the whole plate and everything that went with it! Slap in the face! I should haves lapped him for saying it. I’m in Christian counseling working through my anger. I’m angry that he left and married 10 months later. Why does he have the marriage I so long for? Did u ever feel that way?
The first thing I’d like to say is that to compare someone to a food item on a plate is just downright cruel, insensitive and in all honesty, stupid. I’m so sorry not only that your ex-husband left you for another woman, but that he made a comment that obviously hurt you to the point you are still bringing it up four years later.
I have a few comments and pieces of advice that I think might help you.
Divorced for 4 years and working my way through anger
To say these two things in the same paragraph is sad to me. Why has four years gone by and you are still “working your way through anger?” Aren’t you tired of being angry? It has been 4 years. That is 1460 days! Look, I am sure that your ex hurt you deeply, I don’t know the circumstances—not even how long you were together or if you had kids. So, let’s assume that you were together for 25 years and you have 3 children. I’m sure it killed you when you found out he was leaving you to marry another woman. You’re right! Not only was it probably gut-wrenchingly sad, scary, infuriating and frustrating, but it probably did feel like a slap in the face.You probably think it ruined your life (which it did not!) But because you feel that way, I am truly sorry. That is horrible.
All that said, to be angry still is absolutely wrong. You have to let the anger go. If you ask me how to do that, I can’t give you the answer. You have to figure it out yourself. But please, please, please figure it out. If you have anger, you can never really move on. Forgive your ex. You don’t have to be best friends, but forgive him for the reason that it will set you free. Free from the hate and bitterness and all the ugly things that go hand in hand with anger. Only then will you find peace. And finding peace will help give you a life you really want.
He left and married 10 months later
Good luck to him and his wife, because guess what? They get to live with the fact that their love affair began with lies and cheating and deceit. However they want to spin it is fine—maybe he’d say he was so unhappy, that his new wife wasn’t really the reason he left–whatever he wants to believe, doesn’t matter to you. The fact is, he and his new wife will always have to live with the fact that their relationship was built on cheating and hurting someone else. Karma, honey. It always makes its way around. It sometimes takes a lot longer than we want, and sometimes we don’t even know about it, but it will surely come around.
Why does he have the marriage I so long for?
How do you know what his marriage is like? Because he TOLD you it was great? Because your kids told you it was great? Because in your mind, you have built his marriage up to be the best marriage on the planet, with never any problems, issues, fighting, anything bad. Think it’s blissful every minute of every day? WRONG! You have no idea what is happening over at his house. NONE.
Many years ago, when I was first separated, my ex began dating one of my friends (former friends.) I was going absolutely insane. I could barely function or think about anything else. I kept imagining how happy they both were. Six months later, the relationship ended and he told me what a total nightmare the whole relationship was. It was a huge lesson that what you see, isn’t always what is real.
My point is, don’t envy something you know nothing about. Instead, go out and get the marriage YOU long for! What the heck are you waiting for?? Don’t hate me but I can’t resist saying this. Go get YOUR full plate! I don’t care how old you are, if you are still alive you are young enough to find true love, and someone who will appreciate you for you—someone whose plate you fill.
Best wishes to you, and remember, holding on to anger is a total waste of time. You’re not a victim. Remember that. He is your past. YOU are your future.