The Divorced Girl Smiling is REALLY smiling today, as my new column in Sun-Times local launched today! It’s a weekly relationship and dating advice column called “Love Essentially.”
Here is the first column, 20 Lies People Tell Themselves When it Comes to Dating
Let’s be honest. We all have a love hate relationship when it comes to dating. Great dates make us giddy and hopeful and inspired, but a string of bad dates can cause frustration, along with feelings of hopelessness and that awful question, “Will I ever meet someone and fall in love?”
When it comes to dating and relationships, men and women sometimes try to self-protect and rationalize their feelings by lying to themselves. Here are 20 common lies people tell themselves.
1. I don’t want a serious girlfriend/boyfriend. Who are you kidding? Men and women date because they want to fall in love. It’s OK to admit that! It’s a good thing!
2. I just want to meet interesting people. Yes, you do, but you also want to fall in love and be in a relationship.
3. There are no good men/women out there. Of course there are, you just haven’t met them yet. If you keep dating, you might meet some more bad ones, but a good one could be right around the corner!
4. I would never consider having sex on a first date. Although I personally don’t feel sex on a first date is a good idea, I would encourage you not to judge. I do know very happily married couples who slept together on a first date. I also know men and women who had sex on a first date, never heard from the person again and weren’t happy about that. Sex on a first date is bad for self-esteem. On the contrary, you never know what’s going to happen on a date. In other words, never say never.
5. I’m just dating for sex, nothing else. People who say this are self-protecting because they are afraid to be in a relationship, or they have low self-esteem and feel like they are only worthy of sex and nothing else. You deserve to be in a relationship that offers more than physical pleasure. Tell yourself that!
6. I dread first dates. No, you don’t. You are secretly excited and look forward to them.
7. I dread blind dates. See my response for No. 6.
8. I don’t want to fall in love. Sure, you don’t.
9. I would never introduce my kids to a guy/girl for at least a year. Dating after divorce is complicated, especially if you have children. I personally think waiting a significant amount of time to introduce kids to someone you’re dating is a good idea, however, every situation is different, and no one should judge someone who brings their new guy or girl into their home fairly quickly. Sometimes it just seems right.
10. I’m only dating because my friends keep telling me I should. Not true. You are dating because you are ready to meet someone. If it makes you feel better to blame your friends, go ahead and do that, but after awhile, let yourself admit that you want to meet someone. That takes courage and self-love.
11. Even if I’m not attracted to someone at first, I always keep an open mind and try to get to know them, hoping the attraction will grow. How many times have you gone to your date’s door and the second she opens it, you say to yourself, “Darn it! I now have to spend the next 2 hours having dinner with this woman when I could be home watching ESPN.”
12. I’m really enjoying meeting all these new and interesting people. That might be true, but honestly, you just want ONE.You want to meet an interesting man or woman and date only him or her.
13. I can tell the second I meet someone if he/she is interested in me. You really can’t.The guy or girl could have their own issues, causing a lot of misinterpretation. Don’t try to guess. Just be yourself and don’t worry so much about whether he/she likes you. Focus more on deciding if you like him (or her.)
14. I’m never dating again. Ever. You’ll feel differently tomorrow.
15. I’m never getting married again. Ever. Every newly separated person says this.
16. Dating is overrated. I’m happy being alone. Not saying you’re not happy, but you’re not happy about being alone.It’s human nature to want to be in a relationship.
17. Despite the fact that I’ve never been in a serious relationship, I would commit if I met the right person. If you’ve NEVER been in a serious relationship and you’re over 35, you have commitment issues. Please explore therapy.
18. If I fall for someone, I always try to take my time and not rush things. Most people who fall madly in love rush it, and that’s okay! It’s a wonderful feeling and it’s perfectly acceptable to be nauseatingly affectionate and dive in with both feet. Just don’t get married too soon. That’s when real problems can arise.
19. Dating is fun. Not really.It’s stressful, disappointing at times, and can end in heartbreak. What’s fun about that?
20. Dating stinks. No, it doesn’t and you know it.