Divorce Anger is for Losers


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Two examples of divorce anger:

Example #1: she leaves him.

His side: “I came home one day and my wife told me she didn’t want to be married anymore. I was completely shocked and upset. I can’t believe she would just turn on me like that.”

Her side: “I tried to talk to my husband about how unhappy I/we were for years. I begged him to go to therapy. We tried it once and he was completely closed off and not interested in continuing. I felt like I was living alone for 5 years, so I moved on.”

The truth: No one really knows except God?

What typically happens? The woman calls an attorney and starts proceeding with the divorce. She’s a doer, she wants out and she’s going to make that happen. She starts acting nicer to the husband because she feels a certain amount of guilt, even though her decision was a long, thought out process, and maybe even took years to arrive at. She tries to help him accept that it’s over and even logistically might try to assist him in moving on, finding a place, etc. etc.

The guy, on the other hand, gets angry. All of a sudden, he’s so pissed off, he can’t even breathe. How dare that bitch do this to me! he’s thinking. F her!! So, he begins to act angry all the time, he’s rude to her (even in front of the kids), he’s hostile, quick-tempered, and says mean, horrible things (one woman told me her ex-husband told her “I hope you drop dead today,” at the bus stop in front of their three kids.)

Example #2: He leaves her.

Her side: I thought I was a good wife, I tried to do everything right. I tried to make him happy. One day, he comes home and tells me he met someone else and he’s leaving. That bastard! How can he do this to me? I’m now in my late forties and I haven’t worked in 15 years. I now have to go back to work because some bimbo is clouding his mind with good sex?

His side: My wife was cold and unemotional to me for years. She never wanted to have sex. She never wanted to do anything fun. I was lonely. I tried to talk to her. She wouldn’t discuss it. Said everything was fine. I was lonely. A man needs sex. It’s a physical need.

The truth: Again, who knows? God.

What typically happens? The guy moves onto his new, younger model girlfriend, maybe has another kid, while the wife tries to pick up the pieces, continue raising her kids, and try to figure out her new life as a middle-aged single woman. And yes, she becomes angry, too. She hates his guts, possibly tells that to the kids, refuses to ever acknowledge the “whore” who stole her husband, and basically becomes bitter when his name even comes up.  I actually know a woman whose husband left her for another woman 40 years ago, and she’s still bitter and angry.

I hear tons of divorce stories from people, and here’s what I find regardless of who leaves who. In EVERY case, there is always one person of the two who is angry. Pissed as hell. So mad they want to kill the other person.

According to Wikipedia, Anger is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation.

I HATE ANGER! It angers me when I see an angry person. In my opinion, anger is the biggest waste of time, energy, and it will not only hinder a person in healing and moving on, but it will eventually destroy the person.

I want to make something clear, though. I don’t think people should let others walk on them and wrong them and not get angry. I think it is normal to be angry, I’ll even go so far as to say it’s healthy to experience anger. But, at some point, isn’t it time to let it go? And this is what I see from so many divorced people: one of them can’t let it f***ing go! And that angers me!

The pettiness I see in my own divorce (even now) and in so many others is infuriating. The little things men and women try to do just to hurt the other person. It just baffles me.

Being angry takes so much energy, energy that the person could be using to do productive things. And anger hinders any kind of life success and/or true happiness. I’ve known people who get remarried and they still hate their ex. Why?? I ask. Can’t you just accept it, learn from it, take the good away and keep the bury the bad?

Some people thrive on being angry. I often wonder, are they angry at life, maybe?  We all know those people. I bet everyone who just read this is thinking of a certain person right now, that person who has road rage beyond belief, the person who just seems pissed off all the time about little things that don’t really matter, a person who makes a huge issue out of nothing and works themselves up about it, just because anger fuels them and defines their persona. They guy who gets pissed at a bad waitress, the girl who gives someone the finger for cutting her off while driving. People, what’s the big deal? You got your food and you managed to get to your destination without getting into an accident. Isn’t that all that matters??

I want to tell these people that they are killing themselves. They need to go to a therapist and figure out why they’re so pissed.

Another thing anger does is, it affects children. If a child sees their parent angry all the time, they are probably going to think that’s normal behavior.

A woman I know whose husband left her after 20 years of marriage (for another woman) recently said to me, “After 5 years, I’m still really angry with him. I don’t want to be, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do to get rid of the anger.” My response to her was, “I think it’s really healthy that at least you recognize it. At least you see it. That’s probably the biggest step forward to begin healing.”

I don’t anger easily, and if I do, I stay angry for about 2 seconds. In fact, my family is always telling me I’m a pushover, that I need to be MORE angry. So, maybe I’m not qualified to write this blog.

That said, I see anger so much, just because people talk to me about divorce a lot.

Here’s another thing. Ask any divorce attorney, and they will tell you, anger means big bucks in their pocket. Do you know how many people take legal action purely because they are angry? And what ends up happening is, when the people’s anger subsides (temporarily, that is), they end up reaching the settlement they could have reached, without the $20,000+ lawyer bill.

I’m begging the angry people to just STOP BEING ANGRY. No matter what your bitch ex-wife did to you, let it go. No matter if your ex-husband is currently in child birth classes with his perfect, new, 28 year-old bride, forget it. Focus on your own life. You have one! Live it! You let yourself be angry for awhile, but it’s enough.

And to the ones who are dealing with the angry person, don’t let him or her know it bothers you. Keep your head up, keep taking the high road, and if you don’t respond to the angry person’s name calling and abusive behavior, that will make him or her even angrier, because ambivalence is infuriating to angry people, because they want you to be angry, too!

I’m not saying no one should get angry. But how long is long enough when it comes to holding a grudge? The woman who has held it for 40 years has had a shitty life, and it’s her own fault. Had she let the anger go, life would have gone differently for her. I’m sure of it.

Anger is for losers. Acceptance, grace, patience and inner peace is for winners.

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

34 Responses to “Divorce Anger is for Losers”

  1. Caroline

    You summed up my story in that first scenario and my ex husband is trying his best to make my life a living hell I’m pretty sure.

    Reply
  2. Jeanette Lorandini

    Anger is also one of the stages of grieving, a normal necessary stage, some people get stuck in that state . No one should judge that.

    Reply
  3. Angry

    My wife of 22 years left me and her children for a woman. Lied about the involvement and affair when questioned. Has taken half of our marital assets. Receives child support because she is a woman. Provides nothing for her children, home, food, medical care etc. How I am supposed to move on? Why do I have to tolerate this? You are damn right I am angry. I could never trust any woman ever again. What do I move on to? What woman wants a mid forty year old man that is raising two children, broke and in debt. This person has destroyed what is left of my life, has no remorse or regret for her actions. Acts like my children and I have the problem. Please tell me short of hypnosis how the hell do you recover from this. I can’t, for two years I haven’t barely been able to function. What do I move on to when I put so much effort, love , admiration and soul into another person and a family. I have no vision of what my life is or what it should be. Every f***ing persons advice and direction with little to no emotional attachment and/or care, says “just let it go, don’t be bitter, learn from this and move on”. Yes there are two sides Jackie and I am sure my ex wife will tell you that I was the problem. It makes the departure of being gay easier to tolerate for her. I wish you, God or someone could make sense of this and explain it to me. I don’t think anyone can, so why take aim at people like me who are angry?

    Reply
    • va. white

      One thing is for sure, it is not true that no one would be interested in you because of your situation. That is all I can say for sure

      Reply
    • Superstar

      Mate I know how you feel , see my comment below , the same has happened to me. Keep strong and if you need to talk message me on here somehow .

      Reply
    • Tom G

      Who wouldn’t be angry friend? I’d be more worried about you if you weren’t angry.

      When a man is unhappy, strays, and then leaves his family society has all sorts of names for that person….. If a woman does the same thing, she and society just call it “a bad relationship.”
      No responsibility whatsoever, and family courts tell the man in mostly all cases he has to pay for that for the rest of his life despite the fact she choose to leave. I wish you peace friend. It will get better, but you are not alone, and your anger is well justified and not some form of mental illness those Oprah worshipers would like to enshrine in our public identity.

      Teach your sons to be careful. Teach them the truth that they have no rights, and to seek out partners who are equals…….

      Reply
  4. Anne

    Anger isn’t for losers.

    Acting out–stalking, harassing and other illegal stuff is for losers.

    Anger is simply an emotional response to hurt. It’s okay to be angry. Some people take longer for the hurt to heal than others–and that’s okay too. It helps if you have good friends and family to help you through it. What also helps? Having open and honest communication with the person who hurt you.

    Also, I have let go of my anger and I can tell you that my life did not get better. It seems to get worse and worse. I feel trapped… like maybe I deserve to be mistreated by everyone around me.

    Being picked up and then thrown down has damaged my ability to trust men. My self-worth and esteem has been taken to astounding lows. I feel like no one could ever love someone like me. I still hurt even as the anger has subsided. I guess some wounds can’t be healed or soothed.

    Reply
  5. Caroline

    Easy to write an impersonal, detached article like this when you haven’t lived it. Reminds me of a person who doesn’t have kids giving parenting advice or a virgin giving sex advice. Seeking revenge is for losers, agreed. Staying bitter is for losers. But anger is a natural response to being blindsided by the ONE relative you get to choose.

    Reply
  6. Caroline

    The point I’m making is that we each only live one life. Who are we to judge other people’s responses to their divorces when we don’t know the “ins” and “outs” of what they’ve been through? I don’t thrive on anger, but I have only lived one life. I was only born with ONE temperament, my own. This doesn’t give me the authority to judge other people’s ability to recover from having their lives ruined. Just because some people get hurt so badly they never get over it doesn’t mean they’re losers.

    Reply
  7. Caroline

    The one who isn’t angry tends to be the one who has gone on their own freewheeling way, often with the distraction of a new partner and the financial advantage. The one who tends to be angry is the one left to pick up the pieces.

    Reply
  8. Jon

    Well, my ex-wife is still angry at me after three years of being divorced. I didn’t blind side her since she is the one who initiated the whole thing, so I can’t figure out why she just wouldn’t be happy. I’m only preoccupied with her anger because our son has to live through it when he goes from one house to the other (50/50 custody). And to be clear, there was no real reason to get a divorce other than she was too emotionally immature to work with me to solve our differences. I think she just holds onto her anger because it’s easier than dealing with her issues. Me, I’m happy and content!!

    Reply
  9. Eric

    I think anger is is very primal and easiest emotion. The level of anger would depend on our level of consciousness at particular moment.
    It brings people to mental verbal and physical abuse. It feeds on itself like a vortex.
    The lack of understanding of my emotions caused loss of my kids and ex-spouses love. It collapsed my whole image and self worth. It seems she moved on and has a new man in her life but is still angry at me. Spite of my growth in this area I have moments when I still try to wrap my head around all that transpired. Go figure

    Reply
  10. Neo

    As a divorced dad, I have the same problem, but only sometimes. I got pissed off tonite because my kids were whiney and I have to be a hero at work and super dad at home and it’s a ton of responsibility. And my ex wife is on the way to the beach, probably using my child support money to go party with. But then I remind myself that everyone gets thrown curveballs in life, like the parents of an autistic child or a debilitating disease, and i think, I should just relax and let the anger subside.

    Reply
  11. Superstar

    My wife also left me for a woman. Pretended that had nothing to do with the relationship break up , two years later soon as she’s got her hands on divorce money they buy a house together. Yes I’m angry , and I have very right to be same as the first post. It f@@@king hurts in so many ways , lost finically , friends , family … I could go on .. And all every one says it’s for the best , move on , walk a mile in my shoes it’s shitty.

    Reply
  12. Zero

    Divorce leaves a lifetime psychological damage. Mine happenned 15 years ago. The trust issues related to betrayal are for life. Luckily, we had no kids together and just went pur separate ways. I have not talked
    or heard from her since, and I have now been remarried longer than I was married the first time (9 years).

    It’s not for losers. It’s OK to be angry at one who seriously betrayed and wronged you, for life. Let them taste the bitterness of Karma because of that anger. (Yes, while I am remarried with a beautiful son, my Ex is single and childless, even though it was me who was left for someone else “richer” – the female version of an 18 year old. This must suck).

    I can’t imagine how things would work if we had kids together and actually had to communicate with my ex. I am grateful I don’t have to!

    Reply
  13. KJW

    I agree that long-term anger is for losers. I’m not indicting anyone else; I’m just saying it for myself. I do not want to be angry for any longer than I have to, preferably never longer than a day. I want to live life happily. However, that is not the place I’m in right now, which is why I’m reading this blog.

    My situation was number 1 above. I left him after trying for years, and watching him half-ass the marriage. He was very angry, but we had agreed to “remain amicable” for our child. I was content, moving on and not angry. Then I met someone new, and it all went out the window. In the last 9 months since then, my ex has systematically destroyed every bit of trust, respect and good will I felt towards him. He has behaved like an a-hole, lied to me, broken promises to me, taken advantage of me, you name it.

    And now, I hate him. I hate knowing that I will have to deal with this turd of a human for the next decade or two of my life. I hate the stress involved in never knowing what he’s going to pull next, never being able to trust his word. I hate the awkwardness every time I see him. I am so angry that he has inserted this ugliness into my life and that I am powerless to get rid of it. I keep telling myself to accept that this is how it will be and come to peace with it, but I have no idea how to do that. How does one come to peace with having a disruptive jerk in their lives virtually forever?

    Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

    Reply
  14. James

    To KJW

    I am in a similar relationship with wife number 2. I do not talk to or speak of the ex-wife. I had no children with the ex of 13 years, wife 2 has 2 children, the Daughter is grown and has 2 great kids of her own is getting married in May I am taking care of most of her wedding in fact even doing the ceremony. The Daughter hated me at first (she thought I was stealing her mother from her) the Daughter has respect for me now and am grateful for that. Her son is 18 and is a whole different situation. He is challenged, goes to special needs school and has anger disorders. For the last 4 years have been the Father figure in his life. I have had my ups and downs in this relationship and try not to let it show. It does bother me to see her talking to the ex husband (he won’t let her go) still trying to control her talking to her about his personal life and such telling her I am a bad guy making up lies about me and using the boy to get between us. It drives me a little nut’s when he calls he barley paid any child support and is so behind on the payment’s it’s not funny, nothing more than a Bible Thumping Alcoholic that would rather drink than support his kids. I know what you are thinking the boy is 18 and grown so what does it matter. Well for this kid he has the mind of a 10 year old but the hormones of a teenager will be in a special needs school till he is 26. Wow it’s been ruff. I didn’t even mention the fact that we also take care of my Father-in-Law that is the last stages of Alzheimer’s. I got on these sites to see what was wrong with me because after 5 years I miss the ex, I also don’t have the same feelings for this great and wonderful woman I am blessed to be with as I did my first wife. Thought I was just crazy but after reading some of these other peoples feelings it looks like I am normal after all. And believe me has helped me push threw some of the low feelings I get.
    My point is don’t ruin your relationship that you are in now because of the other guy please don’t compare the two men. The wife sometimes compares me with the other guy I have told her many times I am not him so with this being shown to me I never compare the ex with the wife although I may in my own mind.

    I could go on and on but quit at this point! LOL

    Reply
  15. Marjie

    Love what you wrote. I am finally letting my post divorce anger go. It totally screwed up my general smiley, positive disposition. I’ve never been an angry person until I felt leveled by everything. Became irritable, my sense of mindfulness gone, appreciation for all the beauty in life slowly faded. But I am taking Me back. I do have a life, and need to move forth and start living life again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  16. Mary

    Left after 25 years of marriage for his prom queen co-worker. (His words.) We have 2 kids who are wonderful but he left to go raise her kids. I am hurt and angry. I keep promising myself and my kids I won’t end up bitter, but that’s nearly all I feel. I wonder if hypnosis would work? I used recordings after he left to help with the anxiety, sleeplessness, hopelessness, etc. I know he and the OW never think of me unless they’re trying to take something else away from me. I don’t want to think about them either.

    Reply
  17. Chad

    As simple as PS’s answer sounds, it works! Focus your energy on selfless acts and you will be amazed at how quickly your anger fades. The meditation works too, but will seem weird at first and takes time to “master” before you will appreciate it as a real therapy.

    Reply
  18. joshua

    I’am angry over my divorce.it’s probably better I stay away from her . anytime in the news when I hear of someone taking a semiautomatic weapon into a courthouse and shooting wiithout prejudice reminds me of how well I’ve actually dealt with that cheating bitch.women stop having envy for money and material things,Jesus Christ was sold for 40 pieces of silver.I just don’t get how some women,not All have such a lust for money.Men in any marriage if your wife makes more cash than you do?it is a California wildfire,women hate to see their money go,but if you pay for stuff it’s perfectly fine!!!

    Reply
  19. Alas

    What judgemental and simplistic views. I agree that people should move on and that anger hurts the person who hangs on to it more than the other person, but people have the right to get angry when they feel they have been wronged. Anger isn’t for losers. Anger is a perfect human emotion. And who are you to say that the woman who has held to her anger for 40 years has a shitty life and that it’s her fault? That’s just nasty. Maybe you should be more compassionate and offer this woman your support and encouragement. Of course, there’s always the possibility that the woman is just bitter and you can’t help her. In that case, just tell it to her as it is and don’t deal with her anymore. And you hate anger, but anger angers you? You make no sense.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I have to say, I agree with you. I’m not sure if you noticed (I don’t think my site offers the year the pieces were written) but this is one of the first blog posts I ever posted. – over 3 years ago. Looking back, I was very very angry and a lot of what I wrote was personal. During the three years plus years I have been writing Divorced Girl Smiling, I have evolved, and become much less judgmental. I agree with you that anger is a very healthy emotion that is not for losers at all. I will only say that it is for losers if the person remains angry over the divorce for years and years. – and there are some, you know—those people who just keep talking about how much of a jerk their ex is and it’s 5 years later. I was actually thinking of taking this post down, just because it isn’t really me anymore. I never claim to be an expert, and often times in this blog, admit the mistakes i have made in the past. Hope you aren’t too judgmental of me. 🙂

      Reply
  20. Jacob

    This blog is quite old, but if searched out by the angry folks that we are, I’d like to at least put in my two sense and let others struggling, even to this day, know that you’re not alone. My wife left me after 15 years, she had a one night stand and proceeded to share that indiscretion with my family and hers and than blame it on me??? She moved us back to Minnesota from Illinois to get closer to her family, because she wasn’t happy. I left my immediate family to tail along because we have two kids together and to try and fix things, I should’ve known that was the beginning of the end. Sure enough we buy a home, 6 months later, I’m living out of a one bedroom apartment with no support from anyone but a few nearby friends, while she has her mother and father doing laundry, cleaning, watching the kids while she lives like she’s 21 white and single. Long story short, I have 50/50 parental custody, renting a two bedroom shoe box for fear of what would happen if I lose my job. She has a great job, makes about $120,000, and because I make $300,000, she is entitled to $2200.00 per month from me. So anger? Anger? I sit here writing this while she’s on a four day vacation to who knows where with some single body builder, on the weekend she is supposed to have the kids, of course her parents bailed her out, just like they always do. So on one side my anger is starting to subside as our divorce was finalized in Jan-17. I was much angrier. Even though it’s subsiding, it’s is very prevalently stuck in my brain how used and hurt I feel, in addition to feeling like a complete push over for following here. It’s like my happiness means nothing to anyone. All everyone here is concerned with because I have to see her parents ALL THE TIME is that she is happy. I am so sick and tired of thinking about what she’s doing and who she’s with. I’ve tried all sorts of mind exercises, and continue with a new therapist this week. I continue to tell myself why would you want to be with such a selfish, self-absorbed, image-conscious spoiled brat…Truth is, I’m more upset that the woman I married to be the mother of my children is nothing more than a cheating, manipulative, enabled brat. And I do everything I can to show my children that is not real life. Real life is when you’re here, you help with the laundry, you help with the dishes, you help with school lunches. When you are here there is nobody waiting on you hand and foot, because I’m so trying to combat the lifestyle my wife is showing them, especially with her parents condoning this behavior. I assume they just are to get her off their hands and married to someone else. So my anger I suppose is more geared towards why is she allowed to be happy and I have to work my tail off as a single father of two with no help and hardly any time to date and meet people with no family here. I guess as mentioned earlier, recognizing the anger exists and not wanting to live with it any longer is a huge step, so I’m proud of that. However, I honestly don’t want a relationship with a person, even though she is the mother of my children, after watching her turn from a loving mother to a single wh*re who wants nothing to do with our children. There in lies the problem. There is no love for someone who bore two beautiful children and puts herself before spending time with them. Well, if anything I feel better after writing that. 🙂

    Reply
  21. HawkGirl21

    I found this blog post because I was looking for information on how to deal with my husband’s angry ex wife. She was the one who left him for another man, but she’s still so angry towards him and it’s really impacting our lives together. She repeatedly puts him in no win situations with the kids – the latest one was forcing him to choose between foregoing his own weekend with the children and demanding that they come home early from the vacation she planned for them over his weekend. She’s also started telling the kids how terrible their father is. I think she thinks that if she can win points with her children, she’ll “win” in the divorce even if that means putting her children in the middle and making them feel bad. When I met my husband – four years after they separated and nearly three years after their divorce was finalized – he wasn’t angry or bitter at all towards her. In fact, he told me he just wished she could be happy. This was after she kicked him out of the home they shared, told him if he came back she’d call the cops, and moved her boyfriend and his child into that home three months later. This was also even though she regularly called to tell him he was a deadbeat dad and didn’t care about his children, because he refused to pay the debts she had incurred for her business (debts which she assumed in their final agreement for the business she told him was not community property during their divorce). He has the patience of a saint with this woman, but she is still incredibly angry and bitter. He barely says a word to her and she’ll tell everyone who will listen that he is always “so mean” to her. I think part of the reason that some people are angry after they get divorced is because these people just want to be angry at life. According to my husband, she was just as angry with him when they were married, so he doesn’t think anything of it. I, on the other hand, am horrified at her level of rage and her willingness to pull her own children into her vengeful plot against their father. I wish she would just move on.

    Reply
  22. Twinmom

    My Ex husband left me for a horrible woman. I did everything, I respected him, I was loyal and truly loved him. After 8 months of being with this horrible woman he admitted he made a mistake and we ended up in bed. Many times behind her back. We were still married and I didn’t care about her. I normally don’t do this to people but I was so angry at her. He just couldn’t break up with her and said all the right things to make me still sleep with him, even though I was still suspicious. Well the horrible woman got fed up with him because he is a loser and I still slept with him. I don’t know why but I had to have him back. The last day we slept together he told me he wanted to date other women. It was a huge slap in the face and I did the no contact which has helped me move on. Its been 9 months and he is with a woman I thought was my friend. I don’t talk to her and I still feel angry that he gets to be with someone and I am still alone. I have my sons but they are older and want to be with their friends. I feel frustrated wonder if their are any nice guys out there? I am starting to lose hope and not trust anyone anymore.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Your ex sounds so messed up. You sound like you were a little messed up (very understandably so) while sleeping with him while he was still with this other woman. But now you don’t sound messed up at all. In fact, i see a very very good future for you if you have the courage to be independent and be happy until mr. awesome comes around. I promise you there are nice guys out there. Just be patient and enjoy being single until you meet him. Please do not EVER sleep with your ex again. He sounds toxic. He also very clearly is confused, bouncing from woman to woman and unable to be alone. I think you are on a path to a really good place now that he is out of your life. Please keep it that way! BTW, my kids don’t want to hang out with me now either. It’s really a bummer but great that they are independent and have friends. 🙂

      Reply

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