So many of us invest our entire selves into our roles in life. Whether that is being a mother, a wife, a homeowner, etc., we find that these identities define us and we rely on them to feel a sense of purpose and importance. Our sense of self gets so wrapped up in these roles that it can be disorienting and overwhelming if and when they get stripped away. What I mean is, finding yourself after divorce can be confusing, emotional and difficult.
Divorced Girl Smiling received this comment from a divorced woman:
How do I help myself to feel like a person now that I’m not a wife and my kids are young adults? I don’t know who I am.
Going through a divorce is definitely a time when we are forced to face this very question and rediscover who we are underneath all of the external descriptions.
Finding yourself after divorce can feel scary and confusing, but I promise you that it is also a time of great opportunity and possibility.
You are now in a position where you get to learn, explore, and choose exactly who you are and the direction you desire for your life in the future. If you allow it, pain will crack you wide open and the most beautiful elements of your soul will flow freely through your heart.
7 Suggestions In Finding Yourself After Divorce:
1. Connect with your beginner’s mind.
We can be so hard on ourselves as adults and expect that we “should” have things figured out or be further along than we might be in our present day lives. The truth is, there is no destination, and wherever you are right now is a beautiful place to be. When we are willing to experience our daily lives from a space of not knowing, we are then able to connect with the opportunities and possibilities available to us. Give yourself permission to try new things, to make mistakes, and to simply be unsure in every moment, then be open to what unfolds.
2. Seek guidance from a coach or expert
We simply don’t know what we don’t know and therefore are limited to our own unique perspective and understanding of life. We cannot see our own blind spots, find it hard to hold ourselves accountable, and typically don’t call ourselves on our own BS. Giving yourself the gift of hiring someone who is skilled in supporting you on your journey of discovery is quite possibly one of the best investments you can make into yourself, as well as a powerful act of self-love. You will be guided in ways you didn’t know existed and reach potential within yourself you may not have ever imagined.
3. Connect with your inner child
We so easily lose sight of who we were as a child and the things that we felt passionate about and that light us up. We come into our lives with these big hearts and spirits and do our best to make sense of a world that at times, can be very scary and overwhelming. As we grow older, we forget about the child part of us that still holds so much hope and desire. Take some time to reflect on what you were passionate about when you were young. What were your likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams? Did you have hobbies, excel in certain subjects, play sports? There is much to be learned from this very wise part of our being when we are willing to reconnect and listen.
4. Create happiness habits
We are taught that happiness is a destination somewhere outside of us that must be achieved through certain actions and behaviors. We seek it, long for it, strive to attain it. The truth is, happiness is created from within us through our daily choices and actions. When we consciously attune to awakening our own joy and happiness, we are then able to interact with the world and the possibilities that surround us in a more open and engaged way. Actively participating daily in activities that make you happy will allow you to make happiness a habit rather than a destination.
5. Spend time alone
Many of us are not comfortable by ourselves, and often we are even afraid to be alone. We get so accustomed to being in the presence of others, being needed, being available that when we separate ourselves out from that, we can feel disoriented and unsure of ourselves. We equate being alone with being lonely when the two are nothing at all alike. Taking time by yourself is a powerful way to learn about who you are underneath all of the roles you play. In being alone, you will discover your fears, likes, dislikes, and passions. You will attune to how you feel and what you need, separate from the feelings and needs of others.
6. Create self-care routines
When we have been in the role of wife and/or mother, we often times neglect ourselves, putting the care of those we love above the care of ourselves. We think this is what we are supposed to do to prove our worth and value, but the truth is it can leave us feeling resentful, unimportant, and depleted. We are no good to ourselves or anyone when we are feeling this way. Practicing daily self-care is essential to self-discovery, learning about who you truly are, and finding yourself after divorce. Finding ways to nurture your mind, body, and spirit will connect you to your deeper knowing in a more intimate and authentic way.
7. Take courageous action daily.
At the end of the day, we have to show up differently in our lives to create a different result. Trying on new ways of being, different activities, facing fears, and learning new things can all be very scary, but are also necessary when you are in a process of finding yourself after divorce. Each and every day, you have an opportunity to walk courageously through your life and if you do, you will learn something new about yourself daily.
Jennifer Joy Butler is a love and relationship coach, a certified health coach, writer, and podcast host dedicated to helping people fall deeply in love with themselves and awaken to their internal power to create joy, love, and freedom in their lives. A graduate of New York University with a Masters Degree in Social Work, Jennifer is also a divorced single mom who has transformed her own life. Jennifer truly understands her clients and the journey they are on.
Like this article? Check out “Here is Your Name Change After Divorce Checklist.”
Hey there, I am recently devorced and to put it simple it sucks. Nothing is going as planned. How do I dig my self out of this crap I am in so I can start repairing my heart and spirit.