I miss my ex-husband. Sometimes I miss the good times… the laughs, the adventures, the cuddles… all the silly stupid things he would do to make me laugh… I look back at our old pictures sometimes or I think of certain memories….And I just sit here and wonder where we went wrong.
How did we lose us? Is it wrong to miss us? To miss him? I thought I had let it all go… but then sometimes the reality that we are done hits me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes I think I’ll wake up curled up next to him sleeping in our old apartment and the past few months were nothing but a dream.
Advice for I miss my ex-husband
Feeling nostalgic after divorce is completely normal and something we ALL do, so know you are not alone. After divorce, we feel the need to forget, to purge and/or hide memories from our marriage. Or rather we think we are supposed to. For some, it makes the healing process easier to not be reminded daily of your life. But I believe missing your ex-husband and acknowledging it is part of the healing process – to see that it wasn’t all bad and there were good times. In other words, it is okay to miss your ex-husband.
The memories serve to tell a story. Your story. And that story deserves to be remembered and told, especially if you have kids. The marriage existed – divorce does not erase your marriage and family.
It is important to come to terms with and make peace with your marriage memories because it does get triggered by so many different things. Sometimes its a song, a picture or place you visited, perhaps a scent.
Instead of allowing those memories to create doubt or judgement, what might it be like instead to trust what you felt in that moment and let it be just that? To trust that you were meant to be together for the time that you were, and trust that it is okay to miss what you had when you were those people. People do grow apart. It’s OK to know he did love you no matter his choices and you were happy at one point. Those memories are evidence of that – and they are all true. Don’t let your divorce take it away from you. You wouldn’t be where you are today if it weren’t for your marriage. Your divorce does not rewrite what you experienced or felt or shared.
Here are some ways to start healing when those memories come up, and when you think to yourself, “I miss my ex-husband”
1. Acknowledge them without judgement (being mindful)
2. Feel into what comes up and allow yourself to explore the emotions
3. Allow yourself to feel through the emotion until you are complete. With some clients, I set a timer and give them 15 minutes, for example. And then agree to move forward.
4. Shift your mindset to the positives about those memories – and perhaps ask yourself, is it HIM I miss or having someone? Many times it is the latter and that is entirely possible for you now!
5. Think about the life you have and get to create NOW – I call this having a 10 out of 10 life.
You get to keep these memories in your heart and know they were very much real. It’s okay when your mind travels back to that time. The important part is to not beat yourself up about missing your ex-husband or stay there for too long.
Try to have compassion and grace for yourself and the memories when they appear. You are still healing. See it as a way for you to connect with your emotions and yourself in a new way. However that looks or feels is okay.
Remember, your ex-husband will always be a part of your life – only now you are creating new chapters where the experience with him has impacted your future in so many good ways. You are allowed to find love again and keep living, and you can STILL miss your ex-husband. It’s all good!
Wendy Sterling is a divorce expert and a Divorce Recovery Specialist, a certified life coach, writer, author and speaker who founded of The Divorce Rehab™. Wendy helps divorced women remember who they are and what they are capable of by ending their pity party, mourning their marriage and MOVING FORWARD with dignity to see how much better life is afterwards. A graduate of UCLA and The Co-Active Training Institute, Wendy is also a divorced single mom who has transformed her own life from Corporate America employee to entrepreneur. To connect with Wendy you can email her at email@example.com, or visit her website at wendysterling.net.
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