Every divorce situation is unique, which is why there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to how soon or how long a person wants to wait to date and/or get into a relationship. But what happens when you fall for someone too fast, and you realize you’re not really over the end of your marriage yet? Here is one reader’s story about falling in love too soon after divorce, and her subsequent breakup.
I’m coming up on a year separated from my STBX. Long story short I had been checked out for YEARS and knew I would leave eventually just thought I’d stick it out until my kids were grown for their sake.
I jumped into a relationship with a man I have deep feelings and a connection with and was everything I ever wanted in a partner. I ended things yesterday though.
Why? Because he is only able to move at one pace and it’s full steam ahead and I still haven’t healed or forgiven myself completely for ending a marriage and essentially ruining my ex’s life .
I’m heartbroken all over again and so are my kids who adored the man I was dating .I’m just leaving it to God at this point and praying for some sort of peace and healing and finding myself by myself . And finding a new normal with my kids’ father and a way to co parent and be friends through this .
My advice for this reader in regards to her guilt about her ex-husband, and falling in love too soon after divorce:
While it’s normal for you to feel pain, sadness and even to feel temporarily heart-broken, the truth is that you should be really proud of yourself. It sounds as if you have always been true to who you are and how you feel, even if that means others have gotten hurt along the way.
Unfortunately, our truths aren’t always aligned with what others want. But, we have to stay strong and be confident that we are doing what we know is right for us. In the long run, by being authentic, you are actually helping your children and even your ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. You’re not faking anything or staying anywhere for the sake of the children. Nor should you!
Children know the truth, sometimes even before we admit the truth. Furthermore, if you aren’t in love with someone anymore, then letting him go is actually the kindest move on your part. It enables him to have a chance to find a deeply-rooted connection with someone else. Sure, he’ll be sad. You’ll be sad. Your kids will be sad. But, everyone will move forward in time.
While I understand that you have feelings of guilt and regret that come with ending a marriage that someone didn’t want to end, you have to be easy on yourself. He is responsible for his own life and his own happiness. If he was that dependent on you to the degree where you feel that your departure has “ruined his life,” then he has a lot of work to do.
He needs to find happiness within himself, as he focuses on the fact that he did experience love with you at one time, but that now it’s over. Yet, fortunately, beautiful beings — your children together — were a result of your union. So, there’s no need for endless regret. Be sad, but then let that sadness and regret go.
It seems that your guilt may subside if you see that your children and their father are doing well. So, make that as easy as possible. You can help indirectly by just being supportive, like you suggested. Be flexible with him and understanding. Work together as a team. Don’t let little changes in the parenting agreement or last-minute requests set you off: Instead, focus on the big picture, which is working together as a team.
Falling in love too soon after divorce…
Finally, it’s very admirable that you were able to listen to your gut and end the relationship with your boyfriend based on your feeling of falling in love too soon after divorce, and his inability to give you what you needed. You needed the pace to slow down, and he was unable to give you that. Rather than accepting his inability to adapt to your needs, you got out of the relationship.
You clearly are an independent woman with a lot of courage and strength. Stay strong and be proud of who you are and of the decisions you have been making. There will be ups and downs and more bumps in the road for sure. But, there will also be beautiful moments that are easy and natural. Continue to stay true to yourself and let go of the regret. You’re doing the best you can do, and you’re simply honoring your truth.
Amy Lee Kite is an author, blogger, poet and editor. She received her master’s degree in journalism from the Medill School of Journalism and has had numerous articles published over the years. Amy has always turned to writing to work through anything that is happening in her life, including her parents’ divorce and her own divorce. She has published three children’s books on tough topics, including “Divorce: What About Me?” Her most recent book, “Goodbye, Gus” is about the loss of a pet. Her books are available on her website and on Amazon. To learn more about Amy, visit her website: www.amyleekite.com; follow her poetry and writing on her Instagram account: @amyleewrites and follow her on Facebook.
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