Jackie, I am a single mom of a 16 year old and a 2 year old looking for divorce advice. My 16 year old is from my first husband and we have a great relationship. My 2 year-old’s father and I broke up a week before our son turned a year old. About 6 weeks after we split I found out he was having an affair with my younger sister. They are still together and it has pretty much shattered my self-confidence as far as dating. I had my youngest a week before I turned 40 and I had gained 60 pounds, mostly due to being high risk and not being able to work out. Now I am 42 and single and have no time to work out and I am completely intimidated about dating. On the up side I have a great job and I totally financially secure! Own my own home and take great care of my kids. Any advice?
This is a horrifying scenario, and I am so sorry it happened to you. The biggest sorrow in this comes from your sister. What an unspeakable thing to do to your own flesh and blood. If that happened to me, I would be much more devastated over the utter betrayal and disrespect from my own sister! Aren’t our sisters supposed to be our best friends? Ugh. I’m sick over that.
“They are still together and it has pretty much shattered my self-confidence”
Let me explain something to you about YOUR self-confidence. How can your cheating, lying, unethical, heartless sister and ex-husband make YOU feel less self-confident?! Aren’t THEY the ones whose self-confidence should be in the toilet?
The thing is, for your ex to cheat, you probably didn’t have the best marriage. But for the two of them to choose to cheat is despicable. It is the worst possible choice they could have made. So, YOUR self-confidence should only get better and better, while they are in for a tough future ahead. Trust me on this one. It isn’t blissful over at their house. In their minds, they know deep down that they betrayed a person they both love deeply, and that guilt and bad karma will eventually creep up on them and ruin their lust-based relationship.
Whenever someone asks them, “How’d you guys meet?” what do you think they say? They probably cringe and secretly hate themselves.
“I have no time to work out”
What?! I am not buying that for a second! Do you work full time? So do I, and I work out. No one says you have to work out every day. Even 3 times a week is better than nothing. One idea I have for you is, can you work out during your lunch hour? I know lots of women who do yoga during their lunch hour, and what’s great about it is, you don’t have to shower again because you don’t sweat.
I don’t really know what makes me think this, but I bet you are beautiful. I just have a feeling. So you’re overweight? So do something about it. Don’t use your sister and your ex as your excuse to play the victim and give up!
I’m not saying it’s easy to find the time, and I’m not saying it’s easy to eat healthy. It’s not. It’s really really hard. But you have to do it. You owe it to not only your self-esteem, but to your health.
You said you have a great financial situation and great kids. That means you have everything you need!! Think about if you were struggling financially or if God forbid you didn’t have healthy kids.
In closing, it sounds like you just need some tough love, and you need to realize that your ex and your sister have serious character flaws. YOU DON’T !! Ok, you might not have been the perfect wife, but if you don’t start having some self-love, you will never get past this. It sounds like you really want to move on or you wouldn’t have reached out to me.
Go get the body you want. Go get the life you want. And, enjoy the ride. What are you waiting for?! You deserve to date people and find a man who really loves you, and who WON’T cheat. But YOU have to believe you deserve it, and that means stop dwelling on the two people who hurt you deeply, and start focusing on YOU and your kids and the life you want.
Best wishes. I hope I wasn’t too tough. I say it all with love.
Divorce is never easy. It’s emotional, expensive, and results in radical lifestyle changes. While no one can take away all of the discomfort associated with divorce.