Divorce Advice: It’s Not What You’ve Lost, It’s What You’ll Gain

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

It’s easy to look at divorce as a really, really sad, horrible loss, and I agree that it is. But I have some divorce advice I think will help you. What many men and women (especially those who are newly separated) can’t see is that while a divorce can seem like you’re losing everything, there is also so much you will end up gaining in the long run (and I’m not talking about pounds!)

 

Here are some examples:

 

  • Losing: the definition of the traditional “family.” The days of mom, dad and the kids in a cute, little perfect picture frame are gone. You didn’t sign up to be Ann Romano. You don’t want to be that single mom that people stare at and feel sorry for. It’s scary and depressing.

 

Gaining: more self-confidence, leadership qualities and strength that you ever imagined you were capable of. As months and years go by, you become empowered and proud of your little family. It doesn’t seem like it now, but being a single parent is very liberating and can facilitate immense self-love and self-worth.

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  • Losing: financial security. It’s on you now. Paying bills, most likely going back to work, investing. It’s all you from this point on. Oh, and those monthly attorneys bills that come in the mail are killing you.

 

Gaining: It’s really really really really really hard to find a job that fits your new lifestyle, especially if you have kids and haven’t worked in several years. I’ve been there, job searching when it felt like no one wanted me. It’s humiliating, humbling, infuriating, upsetting, and depressing. But guess what? Someone WILL give you a chance and you will find a professional life that works for you. And then the people you meet from it will enrich your life and things will make sense. Not to mention, you will obtain confidence, self-worth and immense pride. You’ll feel like a million bucks!

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  • Losing: all your old future plans, hopes, and dreams. You thought you’d grow old with him and live together in a retirement community, enjoying your grandchildren.

 

Gaining: the possibility of the real Mr. Right. Trust me, he’s out there. You might not even want to think about dating right now, and every man on earth might seem like a huge creep to you at this moment. But, you won’t always feel that way. You will begin to heal and become open-minded. It takes courage and lots of work on yourself and you have to be committed to do that. If you are, you will eventually meet men who you enjoy. And when you meet “the one”, you will be on cloud Nine. I’m not saying it’s easy or that it happens overnight, but I know more people who are giddy about their second marriages than I can even think of. Just have faith in fate and in yourself.

 

 

Gaining: You are going to meet other divorced men and women and they are going to become your closest friends. You are going to have so much fun with them and there will be a bond that you will treasure. I have a girlfriend who I met several years ago when I was first getting divorced. I cannot count the number of nights I sat in her car and cried, and she was always there listening and with a Kleenex. God bless her. We are still best friends, we have traveled together, and we have had countless nights which have given us memories that are priceless.

 

  • Losing: a big part of your life. You spent years with him. It can be gut-wrenchingly sad to remember all the wonderful and loving times you shared. It’s actually traumatic in some cases.

 

Gaining: the future you choose. Want to be happy again? You’re the only person who has control over that. You get to decide what happens to you (to a certain extent.) Of course, no one can control most things in life. But, what you can control are the choices you make regarding how you take care of yourself, physically and mentally, how you live your life, who you choose to spend time with, what you choose to do with your days, and even where you travel. The future always seems really bleak during a divorce. In other words, you can’t even imagine being happy again. I get it. But, you will be if you choose that path. Being a victim and feeling sorry for yourself for too long will prevent a good future. Grabbing what you want and putting your heart into getting that will take you to a desirable future.


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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

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