Desire: It’s So Much Bigger Than Lust Or Sex


By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

Wait till you read this incredibly inspiring, AMAZING post about desire. Written by Life Coach Baruch Halevi, this one will hook you! What you always thought desire was–sex and lust and want and physical attraction isn’t what desire is at all! Enjoy!

Hot & Horny, Lusty & Sexy – Rising Higher Than Sexual Desire 

by Baruch Halevi

You know you want it.
You know you crave it.
You know you need it.
You definitely deserve it.


So here is the good news. It’s true, desire really is hot, sexy and delicious. But, here’s the bad news, it ain’t got nothing to do with sex (dam, just lost most of the dudes). Simply put, we have been duped into believing that desire and sex are one and the same. In fact, they are very different.

Whenever I ask an audience to free associate and blurt out the first word that comes to mind when I say, “desire,” invariably I’ll get some version of the following list:
* Sex
* Horny
* Lust
* Primal
* Passion
* And 17 variations on “shtupping.” (if you don’t know what that means you’re missing out on a really useful cocktail party word or way to drive home a joke).


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Desire can definitely be part and parcel of sex and sexuality – and should be. However, sex is only one expression of desire. Desire is far bigger and more dynamic than that.


The challenge is that as our society becomes more and more obsessed with sex (30% of all internet traffic is searching porn with the largest porn site having received over 4 BILLION views!!), the more narrow our definition of desire becomes. Those four billion viewers think they are feeling “desire” while watching online shtupping (see, now isn’t that a fun way to say it?) In actuality, all they are really feeling is lust.

Lust is not desire – even if the two words are used interchangeably.

If lust and desire are related, lust is more like desire’s third cousin, twice removed. You know him. He’s the embarrassing cousin that poor desire is obligated to invite to the family reunion knowing full well he’ll get drunk, grab the female guests and make a general ass of himself – again. Fine, they’re in the same family, but they are as opposite as opposite can be.

Desire, unlike his pathetic cousin, lust is classy, dignified and powerful.

Desire comes from the Latin word “desiderate,” made up of “de,” which means absence and, “sider,” which means heavenly body or constellation. That is to say desire is the absence of something very large and, well, heavenly.


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Desire is the absence of meaning.
Desire is the absence of purpose.
Desire is simply absence itself.

In the words of Henry Bergson, in The Idea of Nothing, “Every human action has its starting point in a dissatisfaction, and thereby in a feeling of absence.”

Absence is the starting point of all actions. Absence is the beginning of all journeys. Absence is the origins of all discoveries. And desire is the fuel that awakens, motivates and drives the journey forward. If absence is overcome, it is always done so by desire.


Thomas Edison was once interviewed by Napoleon Hill, detailed in Think & Grow Rich. He was decidedly a great man not simply because of his great discoveries, but because of the way he went about discovering what he did. Edison shared notebook after notebook with Hill documenting 10,000 seemingly failed attempts to create the incandescent lightbulb. When asked about his failures, Edison responded that he never failed. He simply achieved 10,000 different ways not to make a lightbulb. When pressed by Hill as to what he would have done if he continued to”fail” he responded, “well then, Napoleon, if that were the case I certainly wouldn’t be here wasting my time in an interview with you.” He’d be back in the lab working on attempt 10,001, 10,002…. There is only one way to fuel this kind of quest. It ain’t lust. It’s got nothing to do with sexuality. However, it has everything to do with Edison’s single minded pursuit to quite literally dispel the darkness and create the lightbulb. And that was made possible through desire.



When one of those four billion guys (sorry gents but it’s mostly guys) is visiting that porn site or when those two strangers hook up after meeting at the bar – indeed, they are being driven by a need to overcome their loneliness, their urges, their absence. However, 6 1/2 minutes later (sorry, that’s the average) they are just as lonely as before. In fact, like Edison they’ve simply discovered yet another way not to achieve satiate their desire and overcome their absence. In fact, they are further from what they hoped to achieve than six and a half minutes earlier.

Desire can and should be part of intimate sex and authentic sexuality, however, it also can and should be so much more.


* Desire is what causes an exhausted mom to get up before the sun rises, bleary eyed and totally worn out, to get lunches together and breakfast ready so the kids feel nurtured, provided for and loved.

* Desire is what causes a woman battling cancer to go in for another treatment, even though it makes her hair fall out, recoil at the sight of food or feel as if she is dying in the attempt to live.

* Desire is resuming one’s life after a parent dies, when everything in you says go back to bed and remain within the dark. However, there are bills to pay. Children to tend to. A husband who needs you.

* Desire is making yourself vulnerable, putting yourself out there again, to love and be loved, after having had your heart betrayed and shattered after a divorce. That is desire.

* Desire is what fuels you on your courageous journey through mid-life uncertainty to the place of self-discovery.

* Desire is what drives you on your bold mission to leave your mark, your imprint, your legacy on this world before you die.

* Desire is what carries you on to your 10,001st attempt to connect or create, to love or be loved, after having discovered 10,000 different ways how not to succeed.

Desire is real. It is profound. It is powerful. And it is waiting for you to discover it, uncover it and share it with the world.
That may not be lusty and horny, but that truly is delicious, hot and sexy. And that is desire!



Baruch Halevi is a life coach, grief guide and spiritual counselor which he has infused into what he calls, Soul Coaching. Baruch has helped guide thousands of people through some of life’s most difficult transitions. He is the creator of The Way soul coaching program, and co-creator of Mystical Mourning, an 8-day grief guidance program. To learn more, visit his site.


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    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at:

    2 Responses to “Desire: It’s So Much Bigger Than Lust Or Sex”

    1. Jennifer from NC

      Just devoured Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift with Purchase in two days. I will go back through with a highlighter because there were such nuggets of wisdom infused in the challenges of not only dealing with divorce, but also dating afterwards. Absolutely awesome! Completely on point. I’m 47 and a little over two years single (and definitely smiling) after leaving an alcoholic marriage of 24 years (what I experienced was more like a death). I could relate to so much in both books and want to thank you for writing. The guidance and underlying advice touched me as inspirationally as Alice did for Em.


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