Dating After You’ve Been Married: You’re Only Allowed One Carry-On Bag On Board

dating after you've been married

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

I can honestly say that for every single flight I go on, the items in my ONE permitted carry-on bag consist of the following: computer, phone charger, wallet, phone, Xanex, jewelry case, lipstick, keys, playing cards (if I’m traveling with the kids), sunglasses, ticket stubs. It’s not complicated. What does this information have to do with me offering advice on dating after you’ve been married? Plenty.


If relationships were like airplanes, then that would mean you are only allowed to take one carry-on bag into it. What should be in the bag? In my opinion, hope, peace, acceptance, the love you have to offer, kindness, honesty, inspiration, fun, and among the most important, your love of being a parent.


Unfortunately, I think that divorced men and women violate the FAA rule when it comes to how much baggage they carry on to their new relationship. But, let me explain why I think it’s understandable.


Let’s say your marriage or last relationship ended because your spouse cheated. Now, are you supposed to walk into your new relationship and not even think twice that your new guy/girl might cheat? Cheating can be traumatizing to men and women, and being skeptical, cautious, paranoid, and even fanatical really is understandable.


I hate when people say that when enough time has gone by, someone who was cheated on should be able to move on and not even think about it in their future relationships. They obviously are missing the point that the pain, trauma, disappointment, and lack of trust is something that might stay with a person who was cheated on forever.


But cheating isn’t the only baggage I’m talking about that violates the FAA rule. What about addiction? Let’s say a person was married to a drug addict, a gambler, a heavy drinker, a pot smoker? They might go on a date with a guy/girl who has several drinks and be completely turned off. By the way, I’ve actually had men tell me that women who drink heavily on dates turn them off completely. My point is, the experience of someone exhibiting similar behavior to that of an ex (even though they might not be a heavy drinker-just nervous for the date, or maybe they happened to be gambling on the Kentucky Derby and it’s a once a year thing) might bring it all back, and deter the person from a second date or from dating anyone.


There are many other things that divorced men and women put in their carry-on bag that shouldn’t necessarily be in there, and what the baggage is depends on why their marriage ended.


But here is my relationship advice. No one wants more than one carry-on bag (with the good stuff in it) when going into a new relationship. We all want a fresh start, a new beginning, right? So, here are some things you can do to minimize carry-ons in your new relationship and bring only the best things you have to offer.



  • Be open minded. Try to remember that when your was exhibiting the behavior that led to your divorce, your new guy/girl wasn’t even remotely in the picture. Therefore, give them a fair shot. Until they do something (and they might not ever do anything) to arise your suspicions of show red flags, remember he/she is their own person.


  • Try some self talk. Whenever you start to doubt your new relationship because you become fearful of getting hurt, reason with yourself. Tell yourself, “He’s not so and so.” You might have to repeat it several times.


  • Explain your fears to your new guy/girl. Versus becoming quiet and distant, be open and honest and authentic. Explain to them what happened in your past. And make sure to say, “This isn’t about anything you’ve done. You’ve been great. It’s about me and my fears that stem from the past.”


  • Keep your eyes open. Giving your new relationship a fair shot doesn’t mean you should ignore red flags. Trust me. Many people who get divorced repeat their poor choices in partners. Remember that book about a woman who married three alcoholics?


Meeting Mr./Ms. Right isn’t easy, but you’ll find him/her if you listen to your gut, be honest with yourself, and have patience.  But while you are looking for that person through the world of dating, make sure you only bring the “good baggage” to your next relationship. Otherwise, forget the FAA. Your new relationship will be one turbulent flight!


Katz and Stefani Family Law Attorneys


Buy novels by Jackie Pilossoph
Take the quiz to get recommendations Join the DGS Club

Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to get articles on divorce and dating.

Sign up

    Listen to the Divorced Girl Smiling podcast! a weekly show about divorce and dating Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app


    The Center for Divorce Recovery
    Take the 2-minute quiz to get recommendations
    Joanne Litman - Eagle Strategies LLC
    Stagger, Stumble and Stand is an interactive, online divorce support course for women during the early stages of divorce.
    Jan Leasure - Mortgage Lender and Certified Divorce Lending Professional
    Divorced Girl Smiling welcome video
    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *