Being in my 50’s, it would be impossible for me to say I haven’t had my heart broken multiple times in my life. Of course when I got divorced it happened, but other men (and even a couple platonic female friends) have broken my heart. That’s why I feel I can offer solid breakup advice.
A broken heart is one of the worst feelings a person can have. There have been times in my life when I can feel my heart aching, and there’s a hollow kind of emptiness throughout my core. It’s awful. It’s exhausting, infuriating, frustrating, and the worst one, it feels hopeless, like you can’t imagine ever being happy again.
So, how does a person get over a broken heart? I wish I had the answer to that one. Of course, time is key. But, what I can share with you is something I’ve realized over the years:
The best breakup advice I can give is, understanding why your heart is broken—being truly honest with yourself about it is helpful in healing your broken heart quicker.
Ask yourself why your heart is broken. Is it one of these things?
1. You didn’t want to see signs of trouble that clearly were there.
Maybe you ignored the red flags because there were so many other wonderful qualities. You turned your head the other way when you knew there was bad behavior. You wanted it to work so badly, so you made this deal with yourself that you would put up with the bad stuff, maybe because you vehemently did not want to be divorced (or if it’s a second marriage, you didn’t want to be divorced again). If this is the case, then you should actually feel relieved and happy that you are out of a bad situation. Breakup advice: if this is the reason, your broken heart won’t last as long as you think because you’ve known for a long time this was coming.
2. You’re tired of being hurt. Exhausted, actually.
I can remember sitting in my therapist’s office several years ago after my latest broken heart, crying and saying, “I can’t take this anymore. I can’t handle my heart being broken again. It’s too much.” She said, “Yes you can. You have a strong family foundation that showed you love all of your life. You can handle these breakups. Like most people, you will continue to keep bouncing back, and go after love again.
Going through a breakup can feel very very tiring. Because crying and feeling sad takes so much energy out of you. So, it’s OK to sleep more than usual, or to sit on the couch and binge watch shows more than you normally would. Just don’t do it for too long. And, if you feel like you might have some depression–sleeping a lot, eating a lot/or not eating, crying more than you think is normal, remember that there is NO SHAME in going to your doctor and talking about getting on medication. I suffer from situation depression and have been on medication 3 different times in my life. If you go on something, it can be a game changer, and you won’t be on it forever.
3. You kept expecting him/her to change, which we all know is impossible.
Have you ever tried to see the good in someone over and over and over and over again, and that person just never steps up? Each time that happens, it breaks your heart. You keep seeing these opportunities, expecting him or her to do something extraordinary, and show you that he/she is a really good person, and the person never, ever shows you what you want to see.
It’s exhausting, frustrating, sad, depressing, infuriating. And, it breaks your heart every single time. Stop doing that to yourself! He or she is who they are. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. Breakup advice: be glad you are rid of a person like this. He/she is not the right fit for you and you know it. Deep down, you know you deserve better!
4. You were forcing things to be right, when deep down you knew it wasn’t a good fit.
I have been here a couple times in my life. I meet someone and I want it to work out so badly that I convince myself that it is in my control. The problem is, it isn’t. That’s when your heart breaks. But, when you finally realize that love is so much bigger than what YOU want, that love is in God’s hands, not yours, your broken heart will heal quickly.
5. You just really, really, really, really loved him and that’s it.
You can love someone with all your heart, and sometimes it still doesn’t work out. Maybe you loved him or her, but didn’t LIKE him or her. Maybe it felt really right for you, but not for the other person. Maybe you loved him so much but you just didn’t trust him. Or, maybe you loved him or her with all your heart but the person has an addiction. This is soooooo hard. I get it. But remember that you deserve to have true love and have all the other stuff that makes the relationship happy and healthy with it. Please believe that.
My breakup advice:
If you understand what caused your heart to break, it’s easier to see what really happened without romanticizing it or sugar coating it, helping your heart to recover quicker, and preventing further broken hearts in the future.
The thing about a broken heart is, it’s kind of an oxymoron. Why? Because we continue to love again and again, which would be impossible if our heart was broken.
Love is almost magical, in my opinion. Because when true love happens, everything is really, really easy. Of course, everyone has issues in a relationship. I’m not saying it’s going to be perfect. But, when you meet the one who won’t break your heart, the relationship will just flow like a river. The two of you will be on autopilot. And, it will quickly cause you to be grateful that you had all those broken hearts because if you didn’t, you might not be where you are with this guy. Stay hopeful and positive. That’s really what your heart wants.