12 Things I Wish I Knew When I was Getting Divorced

getting divorced

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

I’d walk around on the verge of tears all day long, every day. I felt really scared. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt like a failure. I felt worried about my young children. And, I felt very very alone. I’m referring to a time in my life several years ago, when I was first getting divorced. I didn’t know one person who was going through a divorce and I felt like had no one. No one to talk to, no one to listen, and no one who understood how I was feeling.

I didn’t want to talk to my married friends (which was every friend I had) and I had no family living near me. I felt like I was all alone and it was a horrible feeling. Looking back, I think that was my motivation for starting Divorced Girl Smiling. I didn’t want men and women getting divorced to feel like I did. I wanted to create an online place for people to go to get information and to feel connected, supported and less alone.

For those getting divorced, here are 12 things I wish someone would have told me all those years ago:


1. The day your soon-to-be ex moves out, you will feel surprisingly very relieved.

The sadness you thought you’d feel will instead be such reprieve, that you will almost feel joy. Don’t feel guilty about that. You’ve been unhappy for so long, you deserve a break.

 2.  When getting divorced, you might get attorney statements that will make you physically nauseous.

If you want to avoid that, don’t let anger and resentment take over. Instead, try to settle or mediate with your ex. I know you probably don’t want to talk to the person right now, and there is so much anger and resentment present, but try to think of the divorce as a business deal.

Put your pride aside and talk to him or her, no matter what happened. You can’t undo what he or she did, or what you did and you can’t change why you are getting divorced.You will save so much money if you think of the money you are trying to save for your children by getting divorced without a lengthy and expensive battle.


It's time to find the money - Divorce Money Guide


3.  You will not be alone forever.

It feels that way right now, especially if you are getting divorced because your spouse left you for someone else. Dating after divorce can be wonderful, and you will FOR SURE meet someone at some point (if that’s what you want). I’ve never met a divorced person yet who hasn’t fallen crazy in love. It just takes time.


Divorce Mortgage Planning


4.  Your kids are probably going to cry a lot, feel sad, do strange things or misbehave.

Children whose parents are getting divorced sometimes feel angry or sad or scared or guilty, (like it’s their fault). Oftentimes, they don’t know how to process it. Just talk to them. Always keep the lines of communication open. But don’t try to reason with them. Just validate how they feel. Keep telling them that you understand how they feel that way. AND drill it in their heads that it’s not their fault.


How to Deal With Anger and Rage During Divorce


5.  Your relationship with your ex will be like it was in your marriage.

If you fought a lot in marriage, you will fight a lot in divorce and after divorce. If he or she was passive aggressive in marriage, he or she will be the same in divorce and after. You will both do a lot of things, especially at the beginning of the divorce that will make each other angry. Half the time he isn’t speaking to you, you won’t even know why and vice versa. It is a frustrating relationship and all the things you couldn’t stand about each other in marriage will be magnified in divorce. That’s just the way it is. Accept it and don’t try to change him or her. Ever.

6. You’re going to meet other divorced women and they are going to become some of the best friends you ever make in life.


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7. Your ex’s family is either going to stop speaking to you completely, or they are going to be really mean to you.

It’s a terrible feeling. You thought they were family and now they are acting either like strangers or like you are the enemy. Try to understand that your ex might have warned them not to talk to you (and they might be scared of him or her) or they are just being protective of your ex. It’s very hard to handle. It’s hurtful and sad. But don’t forget that you have your own family and friends who are on YOUR side. Those are the people you know you can count on.

8. Your ex is going to have a serious girlfriend in 2 minutes. DO NOT be shocked.

You will cry. You will be angry and resentful. Why did he move on so quickly and why does HE get to be happy? Focus on YOU, not him. He or she is just lonely. They didn’t forget about your marriage or you, and they are still grieving the divorce. They are just numbing their pain with a new relationship.



9.  Some of your married friends are going to dump you, because they don’t want to go out as a threesome, they want to go out with couples.

And, they might be afraid that hanging around a divorced person might be contagious. It’s hurtful but understand that it’s about them, not you. But, some of your married friends will be there for you at a level you never imagined, and it will touch you beyond belief.


This is not real estate as usual.


10.  People are going to set you up on blind dates, and when you go on some of them, you will be sitting there dipping your bread in olive oil, and thinking, ‘How could so and so possibly think this was a good match?’

Just try to have fun and think of it as a new experience and someone who might enrich your life in some other way–even if dating and romance is out of the question. In other words, don’t be a bitch about it.

11. You will be getting take-out with your kids more than ever before.

Make an effort to sit at the kitchen or dining room table and eat with your kids and talk, with no cell phones and no TV, because you are STILL a family. Also, check out Yummly for easy, quick recipes. Once you start cooking, you will love it! It’s very relaxing and the food tends to be healthier.


Want Financial Security After Divorce?


12. Getting divorced means you will have a year ahead of you that includes hilarious moments, crazy dates, but a lot of crying and sadness too. It’s okay.

I’ll be honest. It’s a roller coaster. But, when getting divorced, you have to ride it to get through it. You will be fine. Deep breaths, lots of yoga, lots of gratitude and some faith will help. So will self-love and dark chocolate.


The best advice for those getting divorced that I can give is, have confidence in yourself and handle each thing as it comes. Some days will be good. Some will be really challenging. You might cry every day for awhile. But you will laugh, too. You will still be the same person you are, and actually you will be a better, stronger person in some ways.

You will find that you are more real and find gratitude you didn’t always have. You might also look in the mirror at times and love your inner strength and courage. You’ll be just as good of a mother, if not better. And, you will find love again, even if it doesn’t seem like that now. You will realize that you have courage and grace that you didn’t know you had. And it will feel great.



Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”


Ruthe Schwartz, Insurance and Financial Professional



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Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

79 Responses to “12 Things I Wish I Knew When I was Getting Divorced”

  1. theflashcook

    Love, love, love this post. Thank you. I know you’ve heard this from thousands of people but here is just one more.

  2. Donna

    Very good tips! I remember when someone told me that I would be fine, I would think, “no I won’t, my situation is different. They just don’t get it.” Although I am just going through the legal wrangling right now, I realize they were right. I will be fine, and even better than I was!

  3. Yvette

    Great article thank you. Just received my decree nisi in the post this morning, and although it’s what we BOTH want, still made me feel sad and strange. My soon to be ex moves out next Friday too – am so exctied for the future, but also slightly terrified.

  4. Shakayla

    I want a divorce so bad have been miserable for years but i am really scared. now after reading your blog i feel better than ever and i feel like i can go through with it

  5. Lora Flaharty

    So scared.. He’s been an ass for last 7 years and I stayed… Now it’s really happening and I’m hurting …WHY

  6. j

    I’m going through this now. I’m so afraid. We’re going to go through with divorce and I feel so lost. The unknown. Feeling relieved but at the same time wondering if I’m making a mistake.
    thinking of all the memories built…

    • Trudie

      So many memories right? Even things you don’t even notice like calling everyone for breakfast. noise at bath time. all the shoes at the door. Sigh. Hugs. My worst fear is hoping I haven’t made a mistake.

  7. Amy p

    Been with my husband since I was 15. Had our daughter at 16 and now 15 years later he starts leaving every night. He isn’t the cheating kind but he is putting his buddy’s before his family every night from 430-830/9! We stopped sleeping in separate rooms 9m ago and he says it’s because of his back, yeah right! I was scared to go after so long but now im sure I can do it. I figured I’d move out he can have it all but personal items and photos! Figured it would make it easy easier than fighting! My daughter is delighted since her dad’s never home anyway which is sad she is 14. So, thank you this post meant a lot.

    • MissMac

      I ran across this post on Pinterest. Going through the big D now. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. Husband always gone to the “gym” til 8-9 tevery night. Our 13 y/o daughter hasn’t once wanted to stay with her dad or talk to him because she says she never saw him anyways.

  8. Patricia

    This made me cry. But I feel great and ready to conquer the world, no matter what, I got this!

  9. moi150914

    Thank you so much for your being so honest and real. The way you write is like talking to a friend who has been there and I really appreciate it at a time like this.

  10. Jenni

    I am 25 and have been with my husband for 6 years, married for two and we have a one year old. Long story short, he’s cheated more than once and I chose to give him another chance. What I’m realizing though is I can’t get past it. Some days seem really really good, but then I think of what he’s done and my heart hardens. Stupid thing is thinking of divorce makes my stomach churn. Makes my heart feel so heavy… Imagining him dating someone else and taking my daughter around other women is nauseating. Seeing him potentially treat someone better than he’s treated me will cut me so deep because I’ve worked so hard to make us work. I don’t know what to do or how to do it…

    • Jasmin

      Hi Jenny my name is Jasmin , I was with my partner for 5 years married less than one we jus broke up , I too am scared I hv two kids with him and I worked hard for us to stay together but it seemed like it’s me alone who cared about the marriage making my self so miserable my advice is to let go ! He doesn’t deserve to cheat and then hv u work hard to make it work ! It’s scary and u will feel like curling up this is day one for me I kicked him out last night .. dunno wht to do the fear makes me want to beg him .. we will be fine ..

  11. Tina

    My best friend is going through this right now and I wanted to know what to say to her that would help, not hurt! Thank you so much!

  12. Enimsay

    I think my husband and i would be better off divorced or separated, but I can’t bring myself to go through it. He was my high school sweetheart my first everything and we have been together for 10yrs/married for 5 and have a son . I feel ot would be selfish to my son if I divorced his father. Im so torn it hurts me physically. Truly the women who go through a divorce or has gone through one is honestly so strong and brave.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Women who also stay and work to make their marriages better are strong and brave. Is there a way the two of you can get marital help? therapy? Honest communication?

  13. Kywin

    Most divorced women I know have been divorced 4-even 20 years and have not fallen crazy in love again…however, one divorced 7 years stole my husband…luckily, his family has supported me. The rest is spot-on though. It’s been a year long battle of a divorce and thankfully almost over. Everyone says I will get closure, but now he and his mistress will come out of hiding and I have to co-parent. Divorce is ugly!

  14. KW

    Thank you for sharing this. I know my strength is coming. I pray that I can smile again and be better than I was before.

  15. Carrie

    I am having to live with my soon to be ex in the same house with my three teenage daughters. He ignored me for years unless he wanted sex. Our “date” night on Saturday nights that was supposed to bring us closer quickly turned to ignore me then have sex night. He would behave like a angry child the next day if we did not have sex. This went on for ten years. I had almost all the responsibility for the house and kids even though I earn half our income. Now that I finally filed he makes every living moment hell. I can’t talk to my kids about how awful he is being and they have been my best friends in life. I have no one to talk to. If it weren’t for my kids I would just want to end it all. I am struggling financially and it is like pulling teeth to pay bills. Unless I want the bills late I end up paying them then I am broke for weeks until he decides to reimburse…yet he takes the kids to events and restaurants. I offered to split everything evenly and have equal custody …not asking for child support but got paperwork today saying he wants me to have the kids 23 of the time but with no monetary support from him. Like most of you, I could go on forever. I want to bw the bigger person so I always try to be polite but I had had enough the other day so when I was by myself in the car I just screamed as loud as I could and bawled my eyes out. I do not deserve this verbal abuse from him.

    • Angela

      You are divorcing a narcissist. in my case, although he left, he has dragged out the divorce process for 6 years and it is still not over. You won’t believe this but we have spent all the proceeds from selling house etc on legal fees, over $300,000 and he refused to work during our marriage and six years later is still unemployed while hiding his independent income. I learned too late that what went on during the marriage was psychological and emotional abuse and is called ‘coercive control’. very helpful books available if you search this term. The way the situation unfolded, his refusal of counselling or mediation, and faced with his astronomical demands, there is very little I could do to change the course of this litigation. He is determined to extract every last penny and inflict as much emotional damage as possible. He sees the children during vacations .

      Even today, I still can’t advise you how to get out of this, but try to make sure your counsellor, mediator, lawyer etc know what you are dealing with. One strategy to consider, preferably with an understanding lawyer, is to ‘give in’ when he least expects it, leaving him feeling like he has won but also wondering if he could have extracted more from you.

      If he offers you more time with the children, take it. The children don’t need equal time with both parents. They need a parent who can provide a loving stable home and just to know they have another parent they can love and spend time with. Remember though, child support is their right, not yours. Don’t let that one go without legal advice.

      If this comes too late for you, I hope it can help someone else.

  16. Steph

    I have been seperated for over a year now. I was doing good. Or alright. I’m not sure. My ex cheated on me almost constantly for 8 yrs that i know of. I dont even know how many women there were. I begged him to stop and he just never would. I have recently tried to start dating and it hasn’t went anywhere at all. I cannot connect to people by messaging on dating websites and i have not found any of them that i find attractive enough to want to talk to. I am 40 years old and i feel like i am never going to find anyone. I only have one friend in the city i live in because i have only been here a few years and she works every weekend. I work full time and have two kids. I am so lonely and sad all the time and i don’t know if it is ever going to stop. To make it even worse my ex has a new girl he is so in love with. I dont know if they are actually together or not but he is sending her all these memes on fb about love and wanting to be with someone for the rest of his life and how when you find the one that you love no one else is worth thinking about and all these really nice things that he would never say to me. He is chasing her and trying so hard to get her and he wouldn’t even stop cheating on me to keep me.

    • Chuck

      You’re worth so much more than what you feel or at least felt in this post I stumbled upon. You posted this years ago but it really upset me and I felt the need to respond. As a man I can tell you this that we can be completely stupid about who we love. You should feel sorry for that other woman he’s chasing after. If he treated you that way without remorse then just imagine what he’ll put her through. Why should you be sad? You lost someone who didn’t care, he’s the one who lost someone who loved him once upon a time. I truly hope you’re doing better in your life, if you ever see this message. Please stay strong.

  17. Toshia

    Well would of been 2 years married on May 3rd been together for 10 I am getting divorced soon and I am so scared to be alone with my children I’m so glad I read this it has given me hope….

  18. Annette

    My husband of 20 years went to work one day and just never came home. He was having sex in his office with a co worker 13 years younger than him. He abandoned our 2 daughters and I. He has spent the family money on this pig and her kids. They were terminated from the company because they were discovered having sex in the office after hours. I have been a stay home mom for 20 years and now have no income. Trying to find a job but being turned down everywhere. My soon to be ex lives with his mom and is still having a ball it’s disgusting. I wish her were dead. Horrible of me but I can’t help it. He was lying to me right in front of our girls, kissing me and telling me he loved me in front of them the day before he walked out. He said some rotten disgusting things to me after he left. I never in a million years saw this coming. I’m devastated, shattered and depressed. I pray for peace.

  19. Tee

    Next weekend is our 3rd anniversary and all I can think about is divorce! I want out! I have to beg for sex and we sleep in separate rooms, it’s bullshit! This isnt what I signed up for and I want out! I’m sad because I promised myself I would NEVER give up, but this really isn’t what we planned for, for the rest of our lives. I can’t anymore.

    • Diana

      same 3 years marriage dated for 3 years before. (My first husband for 18 years died of cancer) Now no sex for a year because I’m not “nice” I’m paying all bills on a house I own that he is living in says he’s renting his house and has been fixing it up to rent but for 10 months. I am so scared to get a divorce. Help

  20. jazz

    I am so scared to make this move. I am told I am nothing with out him and that I wont make it. I know this is his way of controlling me. But being seen as a failure scared me being talked about by people who knew us scares me. We got married young and I am not looking for the “i told you so”. I am now 25 with a 3 year old who I am afraid will resent me later in life. His dad is in the military so being able to see his dad often will be challenging.

    • Al

      I’m sorry for your story.you are young and I am not it’s not easy regardless of age but if I could suggest… If you have these feelings now you always will. When you are older it may be harder. I waited forever. I had feelings of separation for years with no other love interest. Finaly at age 45 she was there and again at 53 she was there . both times I was not ready physically. Emotionally I was separate from wife but stuck it out . I know my lady friend and i have great love for each other.
      All I can say is if you feel it now .. Figure out how to do it. You will find the love you deserve it you are young. Look with your heart. God bless

  21. Al

    I’m male. I’m 53. I’ve been married 25 years. We married after 7 years of dating. I’ve been fit and active my entire life. She has put on 100 pounds and says this body doesn’t sweat. She swears and farts at any time as does her family. She loves the heck out of me .. I think.. But always returns my gifts and won’t get me a gift even on anniversary.
    I met the classiest most loving woman 8 years ago. We smiled at each other and spoke briefly. We ran into each other again two years ago and spoke longer. We both felt incredible loving bond. Before this I was sleeping in fetal position alone and lonely in my matrimonial bed. Disconnected emotionally from my wife but holding on. I work shifts and up to 70 hours a week although more often my reg sched of 48 hours these last few years. My wife and I do everything together except work out . I am now not allowed to work out at the gym. I spoke with my lady friend 4 times over 2 years. I’ve been to four counsellors in 2 years. I’ve been to 2 other counsellors with wife in last two years. She always quits counselling.
    I am athletic but have had chronic fatigue and then erectile dysfunction for 10 years on and off.
    I now have had severe urethreaitits and now bladder and kidney pain. My friend said she will take me my adult kids and everything about me. I will my home and I will have to pay $5000 a month to ex wife for rest of my life due to difference in wages. I write poems and try to get feelings out .. Honestly I have almost committed suicide once and think about it daily. I will not communicate with lady friend as she deserves a single guy. She is growing in her life and helping many .she is vibrant and engaged with life.She needs a man that is not a burden. I do love My wife and our history. I have extremely low testosterone as well which can affect moods. I have my entire life been extremely positive but as I have no friends or close to family I have nowhere to express myself. I am already dead inside I want to cry constantly every day for last two years. I wake up dreaming of lady friend I think about her in everything I do. And I cannot move. I can’t sleep my body shakes and I seldom if ever smile now.
    How will it get better .. I will lose all I have built and be left with a job which I will need to pay alimony. I can retire in 22 months.. But not if I divorce. . I’m going through motions of being alive but not living.. Even on those 2 to 4 trips a year for fun.. Not fun due to emotions. I don’t drink smoke swear and I do and always have believed in positive thinking and enhancing people’s lives.
    Now.. I’m a dead man walking … I’m more than scared and lonely. I’m more than afraid. I’m paralysed and losing someone I simply and honestly am in love with .. And don’t know why. I think because she allows me to be me and doesn’t judge and she accepts my gifts even if Its just a insulated cup full of cinnamon hearts.
    I’m very very hurt. Its my lack of action that is killing me. Its my action of staying in a marriage that I am trying to work at while having feelings elsewhere. It shame guilt fear pride and most of all love for all and not myself that keeps me paralysed. I am not alive anymore. My illnesses paralyze me. My impotence paralyses me and my fear destroys me.
    This is not how it should end..I cry alone daily..
    Just cry!

    • J Bird

      Get out now. Give her what she wants to keep the attorneys from stealing it and save your life. Work enough hours (no more than 40) to eat and put a simple roof over your head. .You don’t need anything more than that. Freedom is priceless. Stress kills. Life is short.

    • Almost There

      I’m so sorry to hear this!!You sound really hurt and sad..I feel for anyone(male or female) that is hurting from their love.I have medical issues, as well. I will pray for you..all that have come to this post are searching for just someone to understand and relate to..

  22. J Smith

    The author is a disgusting, selfish person. She is talking about facing the challenges of divorce like she is assisting a friend get over the fear of public speaking. Her hideous lack of warmth in how she suggests one speaks to their children about the divorce is terrible and certain to confuse them, It is easy to see why she is divorced. Probably left her husband because she “was not fulfilled”.

    • Sarah

      J smith you have no idea what you are talking about. I was made to feel useless and used by my ex and in-laws to get a green card. Meanwhile his old girlfriend was waiting to destroy my marriage. Which in turn hurt my children. You can’t possibly understand my pain or any other woman’s. The thought of knowing i was only being used pushed me away. It hurts to spend 10 years of your life getting hurt.

    • Fred

      She’s selfish and disgusting because she’s trying to share her experiences about a difficult time in life in order to help people that are currently walking a similar path? I’ve never met Jackie and I’m a divorced guy instead of girl, but reading her columns have really helped and it is a kindness that she has it out here. You really are some kind of bitter SOB. Did yours leave you because she was unfulfilled? Is that what this is about?

      People have the right to leave if the marriage doesn’t work out, and wisely so. Maybe you think your own life and happiness is worth so little so that you should stay in a miserable marriage just because that’s what you’re supposed to do–like a sheep. Or, was it that SHE was supposed to, but instead got sick of you? Or is that hitting too close to home?

      You’re the kind of coward who tries to weaponize the kids during a divorce. I can smell guys like you from a mile away. You take issue with the fact that she talks to the kids about the divorce? What’s she supposed to do, you dumb SOB? Pretend they don’t notice?

  23. Jo

    Thank you!!! I will save this post that I could read it everyday after I will ask for divorce! I am so happy I found your blog!! I plan to tell my husband in January, after all holidays. I hope I will keep to my word!!!!! I can do this!!

  24. MV

    I just confronted my high school sweetheart with wanting a divorce this morning, (after I had gone to bed last night he had a female “friend” over and something had clearly happened.) After I had he got very upset and blew up calling me every name in the book, told me I’m stupid and I started recording his insanity on my phone, he proceeded to charge at me, barely missed my face with the hardest punch I’ve ever seen, I literally could feel the wind pass by my face. AND to make matters worse it was all in front of our 2 babies (3&1). The police came, he ran and came up with a crappy story that I attacked him so he didn’t get charged. After all of this- why do I still want this man? I’m dying. My heart is hurting, I’m sick to my stomach and have been up crying all night, on news years eve- with out the person I love…

  25. Barbra

    i spilt up with my long term partner of 13 years. I have tried to leave before but always got scared about how i would cope on my own . I cant remember the last i enjoyed sex or didnt feel enraged by his ways. I lost all attraction for him a long time ago . I dont love him but do care . We have children and its hard on them but i cant live in this hole any more. I wish i would of done it years ago . If anyone is reading this and feels alone, scared and worried ..just know youre not alone . There are loads of men and women with the same fears taking this brave step every day . I remind myself that when i want to go back , it isnt out of love . Its out of fear . Me and him deserve more than that . Everything is okay ish but then the reason i left in the first place becomes evident once more and i m again unhappy and trapped. I haven’t felt in any way inclined to touch him or anything for years. I have explained this but it falls on deaf ears. This time no matter how scared i get and alone , im seeing it through . Its in the darkest days we grow. Im in a dark place right now. But i know for certain that in a yaer or so my life will be on its way to being settled. I pray for strength every day , to not lose faith that im doing the right thing . I dont want to spend the rest of my days not knowing what i could do , what i could have and who i could be. I want me. Maybe one day il meet someone but really and honestly thats not a priority , getting my life stable , healing and my children are. Be strong . You left for a reason , see it through . He is not the one because you questioned it. remember that .

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      This is one of the most inspirational comments I have ever received. God bless you and I wish you all the best! You are amazing!

  26. Andrea

    Oh jeez…Just the fact I’m reading this article scares me. I have once mentioned that perhaps the marriage wasn’t all that solid and he cried and got desperately scared…It is the only occasion I’ve seen him cry. That was a year ago. We have a HUGE dragon in our house. BUT it would ruin him..and I’m not sure I would survive it either. I have told nobody about these thoughts of mine. Expressing them makes them real. I feel shame for having them. I feel shame for expressing them. I’m so tired of letting my own fear control me. 2 years ago I was having drinks with my mom and let it slip that I thought it was ok to dedicate my life to the family. It’s ok to put myself dead last for everybody elses happiness…She was shocked. I mean…I put the freakin dogs needs before my own. I never thought I could become this person…I used to be opinionated and free spirited and I had fire in my belly. My husband. He talks down to me and I can just feel that we’re less and less a team with every year that passes…I can’t do this to our son, first and foremost. I am the child of divorced parents. I know the pain of that. I don’t know if anybody reads this, but it feels good to get it off my chest…for the first time..,

  27. Pinkie

    I’ve been married for 32 years and am thinking about divorce. My husband and I didn’t have sex for YEARS!! It has always bothered me and I missed it. A few months ago I initiated sex with him and I felt nothing and could honestly hardly get through it and then i burst into tears and told him I was unhappy and felt like we live disconnected lives. He immediately agreed and said it was his fault and that he would change and he couldn’t imagine his life without me. He did change and has sustained those changes for several months….. however, my feelings for him have not changed. I feel like we have been roommates instead of life partners. I just can’t change my feelings as quickly as he did. I really have no physical or sexual attraction to him. This is something that is important to me. I am an attractive, in shape woman in my mid 50s. My worry is not whether I’ll date or meet someone else, it’s is my marriage really that bad that I should leave and what if I don’t meet anyone better? Our children are grown and gone. I know they will still be effected by this but at least they are not in the house. Everything I read says “you will be fine” but I’m afraid I won’t be! Fear is a huge motivator to not leave permanently. I actually told him a few weeks ago that I needed some space and time to think things through and so I found a place to rent and left. I’ve been gone for 2 weeks and have one more week at this house. I’ve had some sad, bad moments but it’s also been refreshing. Thinking about going back to the house with him in 5 days makes me sad. We’ve seen each other to keep up appearances in front of friends and the kids and things are fine between us but I’m certainly not thinking “I’ve made a mistake and want to go back”. My hesitation in leaving is honestly not so much leaving him as it is the dissolving of a marriage and a comfortable lifestyle.

    • Kate

      That’s so brace to move out like that – it’s definitely a rollercoaster of emotions 🙁

    • Shelly

      If You havent already… i would turn your concerns to God… i filed For divorce when i was depressed And not even two months after being back by my parents, my faith grew, depression faded And i realized what i had done… i didnt know how to faithfully fight For my marriage. I was too busy making excuses rather than working on solutions. To busy pointing my finger instead of looking in The mirror. Ill be Praying for You… maybe see if someone would even pray over You both, i wish we wouldve. Youre going to be more than okay, just take things Day at a time. No matter who You are with, there will be something You dont care For. Write down whats truly important in your life And see if It can be Found in your marriage… if It cant be… see if Its something You can Work on getting there.. sending prayers!

  28. Angela T

    I just found out my husband of 23 years, who has not had relations with me by his own accord for 12 years, more than half of my marriage, has been registered on gay and swinger websites.k

    I found out all this on my own and have filed for divorce. He does not want the divorce and states he has never been unfaithful to me but he has admitted to going to men’s residences and masturbating in front of them. He also placed naked pictures of himself on both of these websites with explicit profiles.
    When I would ask if he missed being intimate with me he stated we were getting older and he looked to other interests but he also dropped hints that it was my fault he wasn’t intimate with me because of my hysterectomy and he was afraid of hurting me. He keeps saying the past is behind us and I am holding us up from future happiness because I won’t forget the past. Am I wrong to not trust him and feel so betrayed? He makes me think I am crazy..

  29. Angela T

    I just found out my husband of 23 years, who has not had relations with me by his own accord for 12 years, more than half of my marriage, has been registered on gay and swinger websites.

    I found out all this on my own and have filed for divorce. He does not want the divorce and states he has never been unfaithful to me but he has admitted to going to men’s residences and masturbating in front of them. He also placed naked pictures of himself on both of these websites with explicit profiles.
    When I would ask if he missed being intimate with me he stated we were getting older and he looked to other interests but he also dropped hints that it was my fault he wasn’t intimate with me because of my hysterectomy and he was afraid of hurting me. He keeps saying the past is behind us and I am holding up from future happiness because I won’t forget the past. Am I wrong to not trust him and feel so betrayed? He makes me think I am crazy.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      You are not crazy. Go with your gut. Definitely seek a therapist and discuss this issue. Again, you are not crazy. None of this is your fault. I’m not saying you are perfect and have never done anything wrong, but this is not your issue, it is his. Would he consider both of you going to therapy together?

      • Angela T.

        Jackie: thanks for your reply. Since I’ve written, I have received more evidence that he has been with other men sexually. I am so saddened by this. I believed him when he said he only masturbated in front of and with them…Now I find out he has sexually performed with them. Our relationship has been built on lies, betrayal and mistrust. I am sickened by this…I only found this out approx. 3 hrs ago. I can’t live like this. I will confront him with this information tomorrow. I hope he has enough within himself to tell me the truth about himself. I don’t know. My head has been in the sand these 23 years. I feel so used.

        • Jackie Pilossoph

          I’m so sorry. This is so horrible and sad. It is toxic for you. I am praying that things get better. xo

  30. Tonya

    My marriage is different than everyone else. We have been married almost 2 yrs BUT together for 10 yrs. My issue is, I am married to a woman as I am a woman for starters. I have come closer to God and feel we should definitely not be together. I work 2 jobs to pay for bills but, that isn’t the issue. My issue is, she is verbally abusive. When I got Multiple Sclerosis it got alot worse. She fusses about my lack of remembering things, my body won’t go like it use too, I stay tired esp working 12 hr shifts. I really don’t know how to do alot of the important things bc I forget easily now and what is worse, I am on her health insurance ?. I worry about how I will be able to get meds when we divorce, where I will live etc. My family I know will help as much as they can but, it is still scary. I just want out, I am tired of being reminded of what a failure I am.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      It sounds like your partner is in denial about your condition. She wants the old you, and isn’t realizing that you aren’t doing any of this on purpose. I’m so sorry. Also, to be on her insurance is a bummer because you feel financially tied to her. I will pray that things will get easier for you. xo

  31. Desirae

    I love this article. I am feeling overwhelming fear to divorce my hudband. I am a stay at home mom and student, so i do not have income. I love him but i am becoming phisicaly ill from all of the disrespect. He does not value me. Whenever i speak up he says that he wants to leave. I have a strong feeling that he is cheating. I try to take care of my self, but i am not atractive to him because he always watches porn, i asume that he has jigh standards of the female body. I am sad to seperate my family but i am losing the little bit of self est-eem i have left.

    • Sara

      Hey girl, I can totally relate. We aren’t married, but we’ve been together for 10 years. Obviously he doesn’t value the relationship the same way you do if he’s threatening to leave every time you try and voice your concerns. We don’t have children, thank god, because I would never want my baby to see me get spoken to and treated the way I have been for the last decade. Girl, if you are to the point where your marriage is so bad it’s making you physically ill, it’s time. Your body is telling you it’s time to leave, and take care of yourself so your little one(s) have a strong healthy momma to take care of them. I’m so terrified to leave my situation, even though it’s so bad and I’m so unhappy. The stress of it all had taken a terrible toll on my body, I’ve lost so much hair and hardly sleep. Then I realized my relationship is literally killing me. I’m leaving, I’m so so so scared, but it’s my life or his. My guy also has a porn/cheating problem and has for many years and god, it has nearly destroyed my sense if self and my confidence. I too am unemployed and have been for 2 years, I was so sick I had to quit school and just shut down and couldn’t find a job. I tried, but it was never one he wanted me at or he’d yell at me and tell me I was lazy and wasn’t trying at all. So what I’ve been doing for the last few months is squirling away money a little at a time, and selling my jewelry in secret. He never notices me anyways, unless his laundry isn’t done or dinner isn’t cooked. Get out of there girl, you’re strong and beautiful, and full of love and loyalty. You deserve to be with someone who has earned you.

  32. Shifa

    Thank you thank you ..
    It is such a relief reading unspoken thoughts and feelings while I am on the first year after divorce (which I asked for with too much sadness and fear).

    Thank you, I feel better now.

  33. Hard Cooperr

    Jackie thank you for sharing such a real true awesome information I, you cannot imagine how many blessings I’m sending your way love you girl and may GOD bless you. Hugs

    • Brooke

      This is a women’s blog Bob… There’s no finger pointing in here. In divorce, we are all victims of the heart. I hope your heart has healed and that you are in a happier place now.

  34. Nancy G. Floyd

    All this has been said by all the people tha are fun into in our small town. He is enjoying life that we built together on my hard work but didn’t know how about getting a good lawyer and now I’m poor and he is living life. There needs to be away to help the person find a truly decent lawyer when your a stay at home mom or in with building entrepreneur empire. He had all the money and I had to sell my jewelry for a lawyer. He walked out without providing me with insurance (have 98% gastroparesis, bad liver and pancreas; not from drinking never been one), no alimony he makes a very large salary with a power company, and drew a line in the sand and made our children choose sides. He had been having 10 year affair with a co worker PLUS an affair with a co county commissioner I thought I would be taken care after a 33 marriage. My lawyer was awful I researched the internet about her found nothing. I then after I lost my life things started appearing about how horrible she was. There needs to be away to help people like me. The justice system didn’t help, his county commissioner position gave him a government lawyer, our business gave him our business lawyer and then since he was the only one with income he got a high priced lawyer. It’s devastating every day waking up to wonder where you’ll get the money to pay bills he should be paying because he left because I wouldn’t accept the affairs.

  35. Harriett

    Thank you for sharing. I hope those are things I can look forward too. I wish the tears would stop. I’m still in love but accept it’s never going back. It’s over he doesn’t love me anymore. I want the sadness to go away. I want the hurt to stop. Divorce I can’t believe he is gone. How do stop looking back?

  36. Charles Davidson

    I have a friend who is a woman and who is preparing for a divorce. She has been married for a long time though and is scared to call the attorney. She isn’t happy anymore and wants the divorce. Is there anything I can do for her?

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Yes, keep being her friend, and listening and supporting her. Don’t try to give her advice on what she should or shouldn’t do. Just listen and let her come to her own conclusions about the timing. And show her that you care. Oh, and give her lots of hugs. 🙂

  37. Jon

    I am a man but some very good info here
    Thank you for your time and trouble doing this for these ladies

  38. Jasmine Mars

    I did not like this article because I find it hard to imagine I would ever want to “date” again after a broken marriage. The thought of men and dating repulses me. Why do people NEED a relationship. They don’t. The more I read about cheating, men, Internet sex and affairs, lying, etc., the less hope I have for mankind. It seems there is not one good man out there who can remain faithful and stay off the internet act actually value loyalty and want to protect their wife. A man who is not selfish. Does that exist? Also, I will never be friends with my husband if we divorce. And to see him with a girlfriend would make me physically ill. I would move across the globe and sever all contact for infinity, despite having kids.

  39. TRC

    I disagree with the advice of not hiring a lawyer. It is in your best interests to hire a legal professional in the divorce process. You wouldn’t re plumb your house yourself, why would you try to go through a divorce without a legal professional? Mediation is not right for everyone especially when there are assets, children and large income disparities between the couple. Legal fees in most states become marital debt so you can work the cost of the divorce into your divorce settlement. I have to say, every woman I’ve talked to that did mediation with no lawyer regretted it.

  40. Mag

    Hi my name is Mag, I been with my husband for 10 years married 5 years of that and one son. He has cheated on me for the last 5 years. I have finally asked him to leave he’s been out of our home for about 2 weeks and he’s already talking to someone. I cry myself to sleep every night. This has been so hard and it’s the saddest I have ever felt, I have worked so hard to keep our marriage but I can’t keep the fighting going anymore. I’m torn.

  41. Jen

    I’m filing today after 6 years of a really rough marriage. I love him, but I’m going to have to love him from afar. I’m praying this post turns out to be true.

  42. Mike

    Hi Ladies, I am a man on here, I read the article and can say it is true you get through it with time and positivity. In my case I have been married twice and now divorced twice, I signed the papers reluctantly today for my last time. I always wanted to be married, Im 42 and now the single parent of a 4 year daughter. I tried real hard to be a good husband family was everything and all that mattered. My first ex I understand why we divorced, It was hard as it wasn’t my decision but I repeated her and in the end it was the right decision. Round two, was fantastic 8 years married, happy for me but again I was blindsided and divorce happened again. It sucks, I hurt too. I can speak from experience and a different view point when I say, it is hard, but don’t forget it, learn and do more for you. Find you and be comfortable in you and the rest will fall in place.


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