The Vindictive Ex: When Hate Comes Before Children


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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

I have never met a divorced couple that doesn’t have issues with each other. With divorce can come intense resentment that stays with one or both of the people for a long time, sometimes forever, but hopefully fades with time. With divorce can come anger, bitterness, jealousy, and badmouthing of an ex to friends, family, or the worst, kids. But some men and women take the resentment and anger they have for their spouse to another level: a level that is lower than the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, and they exhibit some of the most despicable, disgusting behavior imaginable. I am referring to the vindictive ex.


The vindictive ex, like every other divorced person has resentment, anger and bitterness, but the difference between he or she and a normal person is, he or she has a burning desire to punish or harm their ex. In other words, they want revenge and they will stop at nothing to destroy their former spouse to “get even.”


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Here are some real life examples of a vindictive ex. These are TRUE STORIES!

1. A woman told me her ex-husband put anti-fungal cream on her toothbrush. (they were separated but still living in the same house.)

2. Another woman said her ex-husband loosened her breaks so that they would fail. Their children were in the car with her when it happened.

3. A man’s vindictive ex-wife is trying to make a case that her former husband sexually abused their child. She has also put it in the heads of their children. The woman was quoted as saying to her ex, “You’re going to get what you deserve.”

4. A woman’s ex husband stole her car.

5. A woman told her children “Your father doesn’t want me or you guys anymore. He has moved on.”


The vindictive ex is a planner. A manipulator. A liar. He or she spends time scheming and concocting a strategy to destroy their ex because that is the only way they know how to deal with their hurt and anger. Here are some possible outcomes of the vindictive ex:

1. They ruin an innocent person’s life, by either injuring that person or causing legal issues for him or her. By the way, when I say innocent, I’m not saying the person was an angel in the marriage or in the divorce. He or she could have been a real jerk and done unspeakably unforgivable things. However, does that mean that the person deserves to have lies made up about them? Or that they deserve to die in a car accident?

2. They ruin their children’s lives. Is a kid better off with a dead mom than a mom that dad hates? Children’s minds can be manipulated so easily, especially by the people they trust most—their parents. So, if mom is telling them that dad is a sex offender, they are most likely going to be confused by it, and become afraid of their parent, when in reality, what they need most during and after a divorce is to feel intense love and attention from both parents. So, the vindictive ex is taking a parent away from their children. In other words, they are destroying their children’s lives because their hate for the ex is stronger than the love for their kids. This falls under the category of parental alienation, when one parent tries to turn the kids against the other parent because of personal hatred.

3. They ruin themselves. I have to believe a vindictive ex will at some point feel intense guilt by the cruel, destructive behavior or the lies they told.


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What I want to say to the vindictive ex is, shame on you. You disgust me. You are very sick and you need help. Badly.


To the parent who is the victim of lies or who fears for their life, I want to say a few things. First of all, don’t be afraid to file a restraining order if you feel unsafe. This is not overly dramatic or unnecessary. This is your life. And if God forbid something happens to you, a court of law has a very big first step in convicting your ex. Secondly, if you think about it, anyone can makeup lies about anyone, hire an attorney and try to sue you or take your children away from you. That person can call the police and say, “My ex wife is physically abusing our son.” Or “My ex husband sexually molested my daughter.”


It’s very scary that it can come down to his or her word against yours, and it can cost tens of thousands (maybe hundreds of thousands) to defend yourself in a court of law. So, if you are in a position where someone is making up lies about you, definitely consult with an attorney. Start with your divorce attorney and see what he or she says.


Lastly, just remember that God is our final judge, so don’t turn around and become vindictive also. You are too good for that. The vindictive ex will get what he or she deserves, not by you, but by karma and other life happenings that you can’t or won’t control. Just be you, be the best parent you can be, and keep moving forward with YOUR life. Let your vindictive ex wallow in his or her lies and deceit. Trust me, the vindictive ex hates him or herself a lot more than he or she hates you.

Like this post? Check out: “How to recover from divorce: Stop playing the victim”


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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

23 Responses to “The Vindictive Ex: When Hate Comes Before Children”

  1. Bev Walton

    DISGUSTING as so aptly put in your article. Sadly the very comments my two stunning step-children are being told by their mother: your father has abandoned us, been disloyal to us, betrayed us, he is no longer part of our family. Sick comments especially if a good, honest man has not been part of an extra-marital affair. When he moves on and remarries, then the new wife becomes “the other woman”. I am married to the most awesome man. We met almost a year after his divorce. Once the ex found out about the new partner, she began to hate her ex – the father of her children with whom she had shared a healthy co-parenting relationship. Enter the new wife. The ex’s hatred and jealousy of me spilled over into a venemous hatred towards her ex-husband and has become stronger than the love for her children. Her hatred has been openly and vocally been displayed for the children to see. She didnt want the children to meet me. I was not allowed to be in the car when my husband collected the children for his weekend visits, etc, etc, etc. Worst part is that young innocent impressionable young children see this, hear this, eat this, breathe this. Until they start to believe it. I see my husband’s children distancing themselves from him. The ex-wife has “won”, but at what cost?

    • Jae

      I can relate to your words beyond belief. I have never encountered anyone so deluded and bursting with hatred. It is truly tragic when someone hates more than they love

  2. Brian

    This article is correct about vindictive ex’s. I have a couple of ex girlfriends. It’s always the sweet ones that set traps, talk about past sex life and then lie about their ex’s. I have ex’s who think all off limit converastions are to be discussed on Facebook. Some of my ex’s don’t know what the word 20 year separation means. I left two of my ex’s for good reasons. When I did. They did passive aggresive stunts like talking dirty to me, calling me good looking, a good kisser, wonderful. Then when they set their trap. They don’t allow healthy dialogue between me and them. There were fights that we had back then that just grew worse over the years. But my ex’s were easy in bed. They were whores. They slept around with too many guys. They have all the classic pcyho sociopath traits. Their nuts. They don’t allow me to grow as a man, and a human being. The last 20 years has been much better without them. That’s how I am gong to keep it. My ex’s use dysfunctional patterns to use me when their new person isn’t getting along with them. Add women give them selves permission to do anything they want. You have a recipe for disaster with ex’s. Ugh. My ex’s are hell. I want them the hell out of my life.

  3. Rebecca

    My boyfriends ex has made life simply miserable, for the children, for us and ultimately for herself as well. We have been lied to, lied about kept out of the loop at every turn. She has the children keeping secrets and lying to us all the time. his 10 year old daughter believes that lying is a skill you use to get what you want, because “that’s what mom does”. Im at a complete loss. one of his children refused to see or speak to us for over 6 months because we caught her In lie her mother had her tell us. Most recently, the other child told counsellors and teachers she is afraid of us and we lock her in her room. Her hope was that she wouldn’t have to see us anymore because she was told we forgot about her Christmas concert (that we attended an participated in). We’ve been fighting this battle for 3 years now, and the few incidents I’ve mentioned aren’t even the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more. She has even told the kids that their dad cheated and fathered another child, both are untrue. She has had the children keep secret any events in their social activities in attempt to keep us from attending. The list goes on and on. I’m exhausted and at a complete loss and we have 8 more years before both children are adults… What is the solution?? If we continue to fight, the kids continue to be essentially tortured, if we walk away(which we DO NOT want) the kids think all they’ve been told about us is true. They lose in all scenarios but one, the BS needs to stop.

  4. V


    I left a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage two years ago. Our divorce was finalized in January. Since the divorce, I have been constantly in and out of court defending myself. Three protective orders that have all been dropped, two charges of telephone harassment for trying to call my ex to make arrangements for custody exchange, and now an assault and battery charge because I was rough housing with my three boys and one of them got a bruise. I am at the end of my rope. I have contemplated suicide numerous times. I cry myself to sleep daily. My boys are my life. I am not telling you this because I want sympathy. I am not telling you this because I want help. I am hoping that someone going through a divorce reads this and thinks about what they are doing before the damage is done. Thank you for writing this article. I wish my ex would read it and understand that it’s not worth it.

  5. Morgan

    My ex emailed my three oldest kids a “Fact” letter and printed it out for our 15 year old to read. He listed MY sins—and threatened them all not to betray him by telling me about this email. Well, I saw it and it was vindictive, demeaning, vile and so completely inappropriate to involve our children. He claims it as “truth” and “fact” and it was absolute slander. It’s caused all 4 of my children to look at me differently and he managed to poison my oldests mind and she hasn’t spoken to me in 2 1/2 years and is pregnant with her first child. He used our kids as pawns during the divorce process and played the victim. Lost many friends because of the smear campaign and sheer disregard for our children’s hearts and minds because of his hate for me. It’s very difficult to sit back and watch him reap what he sows….but HE is a sick individual for doing that.

  6. UV

    My ex has decided to destroy me in every aspect. Load and loads of false and disgusting allegations that I can’t even imagine. She dragged me into the court where she is more protective with lies than I am with the truth. I haven’t seen my son for more than 1.5 years and the separation has caused me severe stress, badly affecting my work. I sometimes cry and curse the moment I married this woman. Several times, I made plans of my own to take revenge as well but then I told myself this is not who I am. What would be the difference between me and her if I follow the same path. Trust me fellas, it is so painful.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. You are right–there is no need to sink to the vindictive level that your ex has sunk to. I am praying for you.

      • UV

        Thanks, Jackie. I really appreciate your efforts on this. I think you’re doing a great job inpiring and motivating people. People need serious help on this issue.

    • Judy

      Oh, you need to move to NV and reopen your case. Here, dads get 50 % custody, no matter what kind of person they are. My daughter is in this situation now. Her ex could have cared less about his son during the marriage. Now as his revenge, and knowing the new law here, he is taking advantage of the situation. It is alternating weeks for them.So her son has two completely different life styles to endure. In her home, bedtime is 8 PM, dinner at the table, etc. or stability in other words. Her ex works 2:30PM until 11:PM. He picks the child up from his mother’s residence (in a motel), so then the child has interrupted sleep. He must then be at school at 8:15. The ex takes him out of school (because he can, was his words) for a day trip. He doesn’t bother to tell my daughter, who gets a call that her son was absent. She has no idea if he is ill, or what.The judge was more preoccupied with equal custody, rather than the child’s best interests. Oh, and he made “friends” with all the mothers at school, and the narcissistic snake told them how my daughter has mistreated him, etc. And now they treat my daughter like a leper. When will it end? Please Karma, act now!!!

  7. Melissa sugar gold

    My exHusbands wife is making my life and my kids life miserable. My ex husband just died of cancer. His new wife is living in my home and won’t get out. I want to put her and her daughter out on the street where they belong. I think the new wife has taken the money that my ex left for my kids. I believe she has taken money out of their trust funds. I don’t know why she is taking these things. She has been mean to my kids and me. I Have tried to be nice and make friends with her since she was going to be part of my family. She wants nothing to with me or my children. She says horrible things about me. I am friends and have a good reputation in this town. But she is trying destroy that

    • Shannon

      You want to put someone’s child on the street? I understand you hate the ex wife but you think a child should be put on the street? That’s pretty harsh

    • resagsn

      Stop making your EX husbands wife hell! she has been thru enough with her husband dying and to kick her and her young child out on the street.; heartless. My god lady, have some compassion and let them get on their feet.
      a bad situation had happened. A wife lost her husband and children lost a father. you being vindictive at such a devastating time, says a lot about your character. MY POINT IS LEAVE THR WIFE AND HER CHILD ALONE! Worry about your children. They need you now more than ever


    Of my exes only 4 (2 wives, 2 girlfriends) have been vindictive. However, all 4 were passive aggressive, lying, cheating, manipulative, abusive, and mentally unstable.

    I’ve dated casually with varying frequency over the years, and some women were nice, but ultimately I’ve found “modern” women to be selfish, cruel, and completely stuck on themselves.

    In contrast, more old fashioned women tend to be kinder, more thoughtful, and less uppity. If you other guys want a good woman, go for old fashioned and less flashy (modern).

    Avoid women obsessed with their appearance, reputation, and other attention-seeking related BS. Drama queens make horrific partners. Look for the sweet, quiet, humble, thoughtful ladies.

    In other words…

    Think with the big head…not the little one. I learned that that hard way.

    • Weaselina

      Sounds like you are quite a catch (snirk).

      Great system for you. A few more wives and girlfriends and you should know just about all the kinds of women out there, huh?

      Here’s a tip: maybe look at yourself for a minute. You sound like you need to fix yourself and stop giving stupid advice on the internet.

  9. Michael Karamanolis

    My ex has made my child lie about apparent sexual molestation, they even opened up a case at the police department. I’m the sole provider for my family, I have already been acquitted of her first attempt at doing this, somehow she got my daughter to tell the teacher these things. I’m a christian, I work hard, I have two jobs paying for legal fees and maintenance, without me there joint income annually is what a earn in a month, and 1/5 of my income goes to my children, and maintenance. I spent almost 100 thousand rand last year getting access to my children after two years of fighting for them just sothat they can do this again to me. It makes no sense, why would i do such a horrible thing when i fought so hard to have them in my life again. I feel like giving up, I feel like quitting and running away, but my conviction stops me, my fear for God prevents this. I’m caught up in a horrible nightmare that will not end. I do not have any words I feel numb and alone. I hope that something good will turn up from this. I’m so horribly saddened, by all of this. I’ve just acquired the same forensic psychologist that examined Oscar Psotorius the athlete that shot his girl friend at an extreme cost, I’m not a wealthy man, I work as a Solutions Architect and I lecture computer science subject at the local university. You see I love helping people, and i’m such a geek, the last thought i would have is doing something to hurt someone. I hope someone will read this and come to my aid. Please pray for Gabriel and Zoe and there daddy Michael that this little family will be reunited for good again.

  10. John

    I THINK YOU SHOULD RENAME THIS ARTICLE; “When hiding behind society and children fails to work, blame your wrongs on your spouse, because he/she is the one who is angry, and therefore must be punished”.

    Very sound reasoning,…AND Convenient!

  11. Meliss Sugar gold

    I can’t get rid of my husband who is 40 years my senior. He is sick. How do I get rid of him?

  12. Ryan

    You’re wrong about one thing. They never feel guilt about it. Why are there no laws to protect against the abuse and parental alienation of an evil, manipulative, psychotic ex?

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Believe me when I tell you I wish there was. I wish there was jail time required for men and women who do this to their ex and to their kids. It is despicable and disgusting and in my opinion, just as bad as any other major crime.

  13. Jay

    I am a mother and being alienated from my child by his father.
    Even though there is no signed agreement or court order, I have been paying child support. Father refuses to give me 50-50 physical custody stating that I am ruining my child’s life by forcing it. We still have 50-50 custody (shared obligations) as I have not given him the 100%.
    To make parenting time uncomfortable, I can only spend my parenting time IN his home. And he constantly phones my son during the 3 hours I am with him — on the phone that bought and am paying for my son.

    My child didn’t have a problem going to my house until his father ruined it for us.
    Every time my son and I are out, his father will call constantly and get mad if we miss a call from him. At one of my son’s visit to my house, his father phoned him and my son went to the bathroom so I couldn’t hear. Next minute, he is asking me to drive him home. My child either had to lie so he doesn’t receive the cold treatment until he just got tired of reporting to his father about what we do that he stopped going to my house or going out with me altogether.

    Last year, i have decided that my 6 years of diplomatic approach doesn’t work and it is now time to seek the court’s help. In retaliation, my ex refused all our proposals for 50% physical custody and counselling for my son. (I know why, because he is worried that my son will wake up soon enough to see his evil deeds. Only evil person will deny a child a counselling)
    He also is now asking for spousal support.
    And he also reported me to Revenue Canada. Now, CRA is clawing back every penny I received for child tax benefit.

    I did not realize that a person can be this rotten. He is so intent in making me suffer that he doesn’t realize or care that our son is the poor victim of all these. It has been 6 years since our marriage ended and yet, he still punishes me by using my son or whatever is left of my money.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      From this letter alone, it appears that he is really desperate, insecure, resentful and vindictive. He cannot move on and is intent on making hate and revenge the cornerstone of his life. I feel so sorry for your son. I’m not really understanding how you ended up with 50/50 custody that you had to have at his house. Maybe you need a consult with another attorney. That just doesn’t make sense. No one should have to have parenting time in the ex’s home. It doesn’t add up. Sounds like you need better counsel and need to go on the offensive. Maybe you need to try for 100% custody. Unreasonable people can’t reason and be diplomatic. So, you have no choice but to fight back hard for your son. I wish you all the best.


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