The Vindictive Ex: When Hate Comes Before Children

vindictive ex

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

I have never met a divorced couple that doesn’t have issues with each other. When someone says, “I want a divorce,” it can cause intense resentment and bitterness that stays with one or both of the people for a long time, sometimes forever. Hopefully bad feelings fade over time, but that’s not the case with some people. I am referring to the vindictive ex.  Let me explain.

Some men and women who are going through a divorce take the resentment and anger they have for their spouse to another level: a level that is lower than the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, and they exhibit some of the most despicable, disgusting behavior imaginable. In other words, they become vindictive in their behavior.


Like most other divorced people, the vindictive ex has resentment, anger and bitterness. But the difference between he or she and a normal person is, the vindictive ex has a burning desire to punish or harm their ex. In other words, they want revenge and they will stop at nothing to destroy their former spouse to “get even.”


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Here are some real life examples of a vindictive ex.


1. A woman told me her ex-husband put anti-fungal cream on her toothbrush. (they were separated but still living in the same house.)

2. Another woman told me her ex-husband loosened her breaks so that they would fail.

They did fail. Their children were in the car with her when it happened. Fortunately, they did not get into an accident.

3. A man’s vindictive ex-wife brainwashed the children into thinking their father was a sexual abuser.

She told therapists and pressed charges. She even told the kids to lie and say he molested them.

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4. A woman’s ex husband stole her car.

5. A woman told her children “Your father doesn’t want me or you guys anymore. He has moved on.”

6. A guy told his daughter, “Your mom said you are a fat pig and you need to go on Weight Watchers.”

7. A man told his son he wasn’t paying for his cell phone any more because Mom took him to court and took all his money.

(The man has a very high net worth, by the way.) He ended up calling the cell company and discontinuing service.

The vindictive ex is a planner. A manipulator. A liar.

He or she spends time scheming and concocting a strategy to destroy their ex because that is the only way they know how to deal with their hurt, hate and anger.

Here are some possible outcomes of the vindictive ex:

1. They ruin an innocent person’s life, by either injuring that person or causing legal or financial issues for him or her.

By the way, when I say innocent, I’m not saying the person was an angel in the marriage or in the divorce. He or she could have been a real jerk and done unspeakably unforgivable things. However, does that mean that the person deserves to have lies made up about them? Or that they deserve to die in a car accident?

2. They ruin their children’s lives.

Is a kid better off with a dead mom than a mom that dad hates? No! Children’s minds can be manipulated so easily, especially by the people they trust most—their parents.

So, if mom is telling them that dad is a sex offender, they are most likely going to be confused by it, and become afraid of their parent, when in reality, what they need most during and after a divorce is to feel intense love and attention from both parents. So, the vindictive ex is taking a parent away from their children. In other words, they are destroying their children’s lives because their hate for the ex is stronger than the love for their kids.

This falls under the category of parental alienation, when one parent tries to turn the kids against the other parent because of personal hatred. It happens so much more than you can imagine.

I even had an attorney tell me that “the new thing people are doing” is calling the police and reporting an incident of domestic violence (which is made up) before they even bring up the fact that they want a divorce. So, their ex is already on the defensive from the start of the divorce.

3. They ruin themselves.

I have to believe a vindictive ex will at some point feel intense guilt by the cruel, destructive behavior or the lies they told–either consciously or subconsciously. Or, they will just have self-hatred, which never leads to anything good for their future. The vindictive ex is never able to move past the divorce and so they never get to have an authentic life, enjoy life and new people, find love again, or feel good about themselves.


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What I want to say to the vindictive ex is:

Shame on you. You disgust me. You are very sick and you need help. Badly.


To the parent who is the victim of lies or who fears for their life, I want to say a few things. First of all, don’t be afraid to file a restraining order if you feel unsafe. This is not overly dramatic or unnecessary. This is your life. And if God forbid something happens to you, a court of law has a very big first step in convicting your ex.

Secondly, if you think about it, anyone can makeup lies about anyone, hire an attorney and try to sue you or take your children away from you. That person can call the police and say, “My ex wife is physically abusing our son.” Or “My ex husband sexually molested my daughter.”


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It’s very scary that it can come down to his or her word against yours, and it can cost tens of thousands (maybe hundreds of thousands) to defend yourself in a court of law. So, if you are in a position where someone is making up lies about you, definitely consult with an attorney. Start with your divorce attorney and see what he or she says.


Lastly, just remember that God is our final judge, so don’t turn around and become vindictive also. You are too good for that. The vindictive ex will get what he or she deserves, not by you, but by karma and other life happenings that you can’t or won’t control. Just be you, be the best parent you can be, and keep moving forward with YOUR life.

Let your vindictive ex wallow in his or her lies and deceit. Trust me, the vindictive ex hates him or herself a lot more than he or she hates you. Keep being the good person you are, the caring, loving parent you are, and keep enjoying what you can control in your life. It is impossible for the vindictive ex to experience any of this. In other words, don’t hate the vindictive ex, pity the vindictive ex.

Like this post? Check out: 10 Big Divorce Mistakes You Don’t Want To Make 


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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

43 Responses to “The Vindictive Ex: When Hate Comes Before Children”

  1. Bev Walton

    DISGUSTING as so aptly put in your article. Sadly the very comments my two stunning step-children are being told by their mother: your father has abandoned us, been disloyal to us, betrayed us, he is no longer part of our family. Sick comments especially if a good, honest man has not been part of an extra-marital affair. When he moves on and remarries, then the new wife becomes “the other woman”. I am married to the most awesome man. We met almost a year after his divorce. Once the ex found out about the new partner, she began to hate her ex – the father of her children with whom she had shared a healthy co-parenting relationship. Enter the new wife. The ex’s hatred and jealousy of me spilled over into a venemous hatred towards her ex-husband and has become stronger than the love for her children. Her hatred has been openly and vocally been displayed for the children to see. She didnt want the children to meet me. I was not allowed to be in the car when my husband collected the children for his weekend visits, etc, etc, etc. Worst part is that young innocent impressionable young children see this, hear this, eat this, breathe this. Until they start to believe it. I see my husband’s children distancing themselves from him. The ex-wife has “won”, but at what cost?

    • Jae

      I can relate to your words beyond belief. I have never encountered anyone so deluded and bursting with hatred. It is truly tragic when someone hates more than they love

    • B

      I too am going through something similar. I’ve kept my ex-wife and my 3 daughters in the house, while I found a basement apartment to live in. The cost of paying down all the debt and trying to live has proven to be too difficult. Now I’ve brought the issue to the ex-wife, who has in turn turned the girls against me. Stating that your father is kicking us out of the house and he doesn’t care about us anymore. All the while, having her boyfriend spend weekends in the house I bought and worked so hard for. Also having him around my daughters, who won’t speak to me or have anything to do with me. I’m at a point where I have nothing left to lose and I can finally start moving forward with my life, with or without my beautiful daughters. It’s heart breaking to have them all hate me so much when I’ve done nothing wrong to them… if anything, I’ve made life easier for them for as long as I could. Now the courts will need to get involved, as the ex-wife wont’ participate in anything going towards the divorce.

      • Jackie Pilossoph

        I understand you more than you think. I will pray for you and your daughters. Shame on your ex. She disgusts me.

        • robbie

          my ex lied to police and courts and stole my mail forged my name just to get started, only thing these type of people fear is the fear of others finding out there frauds. i collected video and audio of her behavior and constant attacks until i had enough. took to my lawyer and they will decide what and how this should be delt with. i hurt for my 11 yr old daughter. this has been going on since she was 2 and first thing my ex did was grab the baby and act like i was trying to hurt her and my child. your right it is sick and these people need therapy and help not drugs and prescriptions. ill pray for you. never sink to there level. cant let those who are of the world shape you.

      • JayD

        I have been going through these things with a vindictive ex wife. She has spread rumors and lies about my character, my mental health, my parenting, my professional abilities, and shared private distorted medical details verbally, in court and a great deal over social media. She’s been doing it for over five years, largely unbeknownst to me until recently discovering just how deep and wide she has damaged my reputation professionally, with friends, family and in our community. She was the three yr serial cheater, she filed for divorce, she hasn’t worked for 16 yrs (kids 16 ,10,9). She got 85% of our wealth, has been getting $11,000 a month in support (9000 spousal)…and has motions with the court for contempt, as I no longer can meet that level of payment. She played a significant role in destroying my career, and the job that enabled that money, and I’ve used all retirement, investments, savings, and then credit and borrowings to keep paying until I couldn’t. She is now working to use the courts to enforce anyway, resulting in further destroyed credit, lost job opportunities (passport taken by child support), drivers license revoked. She just got back from the Caribbean for a ten day trip with her wealthy boyfriend. Yes I’ve tried to change support to no avail. I had lawyers, I can no longer afford. I am being evicted from my small apartment for non payment of rent. She lives in our former home worth over $500K. I have nothing left, and she wants more. She has said outright her goal is to make my life a living hell. She has. And I’m not really feeling like being positive and focusing on a future I don’t have. Jail? Poverty? Homeless? Sounds great,

        • Jennifer Talbot

          I feel you, all of that, on a lower scale financially, but not discounting that she didn’t work, as it is quite shocking that she was able to afford an attprney without your funds, and most women that i know that have been alienated were stay at home moms who had no money of their own and their ex was able to bribe the children, in a sense, due to that fact, and lay false claims of abuse, and voila, erased mom, sleeping on friends couch, working 3 jobs to afford the level of child support at minimum wage, which makes no sense to me if she never had an income. But my ex originally did not want our daughters, he had no clue how to care for them and his pregnant mistress was just a kid herself. I made our way, built a life for us and 8 years later, wham! Out of nowhere. I mean he and his wife always tormented me, but i thought our girls saw that, I never thought that their visitations with dad had turned into hate-on-mom marathons, with their dads wife drinking alcohol with them and creating an inappropriate relationship that was like a peer, but with the ability to permit her to do the immature things to venge oneself against mean mommy who just doesnt want you to have any fun. I don’t know, even as a child ,I think I would choose the love of my parents over the desire to not receive discipline as a teen. I am eternally greatful for my parents’ sticktoitiveness, and am completely aware of how blessed (and sheltered I was), but this makes me everso more painfully aware of what was taken from my kids, and the false reality he fed them just to win their loyalties, and make good on this threat to avoid child support. Why us it so many people can not understand what it means to love yout child. Now if they ever come around it will have to be under the terms of realizing how wrong it was for their dad to destroy me in court and even get THEM to enjoy watching me fall apart. Even with their claims that it was for them, it was not to destroy me, they know they lied and see it as ok if it is to get what they want, but normal human beings would stop their children and say, “hell no you cant do that to your mom, you better obey her and have some respect.” Healthy happy people do not sue family of any kind in court or do anything that they see could really hurt anyone, but look what our children will now see as an acceptable part of life, a way to punish your ex for the years he paid child support at his own innitiation accidently but he determined when he didn’t feel like it a year prior to taking them, and i never kept him from them, at times i paid him money to feed them, to keep the kids from having him cancel. He has not let me see them in almost 6 years. We were doing fine, I was supporting them and my youngest without his help and never turned him in, and he had to get government assistance because obviously if someone can’t afford to pay child support, they can’t afford to keep them either. This just feels like death. How anyone could not see how easy it is for a vindictive parent to not care about their chid at all and use their teenaged angst to their advantage is the perfect example of what our courts promote to stir up litigation after years and settling in, and thinking you are finally going somewhere. Then you find out that our Constitution is a fairy tale.

  2. Brian

    This article is correct about vindictive ex’s. I have a couple of ex girlfriends. It’s always the sweet ones that set traps, talk about past sex life and then lie about their ex’s. I have ex’s who think all off limit converastions are to be discussed on Facebook. Some of my ex’s don’t know what the word 20 year separation means. I left two of my ex’s for good reasons. When I did. They did passive aggresive stunts like talking dirty to me, calling me good looking, a good kisser, wonderful. Then when they set their trap. They don’t allow healthy dialogue between me and them. There were fights that we had back then that just grew worse over the years. But my ex’s were easy in bed. They were whores. They slept around with too many guys. They have all the classic pcyho sociopath traits. Their nuts. They don’t allow me to grow as a man, and a human being. The last 20 years has been much better without them. That’s how I am gong to keep it. My ex’s use dysfunctional patterns to use me when their new person isn’t getting along with them. Add women give them selves permission to do anything they want. You have a recipe for disaster with ex’s. Ugh. My ex’s are hell. I want them the hell out of my life.

    • Truthspeaker

      I feel terrible for all the people on here with the crazy ex’s, I really do. The father of my children will still find any way he can to make a big production out of things and ruin any minute of my time he gets the chance to. You, however, don’t mention children here…you’re here badmouthing ex’s from 20 years ago that from what I can tell don’t need to be any part of your life any longer. Is there a reason you can’t cut off all communication and move on? Or is it more fun to continue bashing them and dragging THEIR names through the dirt and slut-shami g them in the name of revenge? It’s pretty transparent that YOU are the person this article is about, and it gave your ego just enough of a hit to force you to defend your actions. I’d bet money your ex’s don’t even give you a second thought except for the times they get a phone call or text…”so and so was at this party and hes still going on about how you screwed things up when you guys were 19. Man, it’s pathetic. He’s gonna be hung up on you til the day you die.”…you lose.

  3. Rebecca

    My boyfriends ex has made life simply miserable, for the children, for us and ultimately for herself as well. We have been lied to, lied about kept out of the loop at every turn. She has the children keeping secrets and lying to us all the time. his 10 year old daughter believes that lying is a skill you use to get what you want, because “that’s what mom does”. Im at a complete loss. one of his children refused to see or speak to us for over 6 months because we caught her In lie her mother had her tell us. Most recently, the other child told counsellors and teachers she is afraid of us and we lock her in her room. Her hope was that she wouldn’t have to see us anymore because she was told we forgot about her Christmas concert (that we attended an participated in). We’ve been fighting this battle for 3 years now, and the few incidents I’ve mentioned aren’t even the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more. She has even told the kids that their dad cheated and fathered another child, both are untrue. She has had the children keep secret any events in their social activities in attempt to keep us from attending. The list goes on and on. I’m exhausted and at a complete loss and we have 8 more years before both children are adults… What is the solution?? If we continue to fight, the kids continue to be essentially tortured, if we walk away(which we DO NOT want) the kids think all they’ve been told about us is true. They lose in all scenarios but one, the BS needs to stop.

  4. V


    I left a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage two years ago. Our divorce was finalized in January. Since the divorce, I have been constantly in and out of court defending myself. Three protective orders that have all been dropped, two charges of telephone harassment for trying to call my ex to make arrangements for custody exchange, and now an assault and battery charge because I was rough housing with my three boys and one of them got a bruise. I am at the end of my rope. I have contemplated suicide numerous times. I cry myself to sleep daily. My boys are my life. I am not telling you this because I want sympathy. I am not telling you this because I want help. I am hoping that someone going through a divorce reads this and thinks about what they are doing before the damage is done. Thank you for writing this article. I wish my ex would read it and understand that it’s not worth it.

    • Truthspeaker

      I feel terrible for you. I hope things work out. I like to think that in the end, these monsters will be exposed for their true selves and the kids will realize that they weren’t loved by the vindictive parent, only used to victimize the other. I’m the unfortunate result of 2 vindictive parents, and in my adult life I ended any relationship with both. Neither of them seemed to mind.

  5. Morgan

    My ex emailed my three oldest kids a “Fact” letter and printed it out for our 15 year old to read. He listed MY sins—and threatened them all not to betray him by telling me about this email. Well, I saw it and it was vindictive, demeaning, vile and so completely inappropriate to involve our children. He claims it as “truth” and “fact” and it was absolute slander. It’s caused all 4 of my children to look at me differently and he managed to poison my oldests mind and she hasn’t spoken to me in 2 1/2 years and is pregnant with her first child. He used our kids as pawns during the divorce process and played the victim. Lost many friends because of the smear campaign and sheer disregard for our children’s hearts and minds because of his hate for me. It’s very difficult to sit back and watch him reap what he sows….but HE is a sick individual for doing that.

  6. UV

    My ex has decided to destroy me in every aspect. Load and loads of false and disgusting allegations that I can’t even imagine. She dragged me into the court where she is more protective with lies than I am with the truth. I haven’t seen my son for more than 1.5 years and the separation has caused me severe stress, badly affecting my work. I sometimes cry and curse the moment I married this woman. Several times, I made plans of my own to take revenge as well but then I told myself this is not who I am. What would be the difference between me and her if I follow the same path. Trust me fellas, it is so painful.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. You are right–there is no need to sink to the vindictive level that your ex has sunk to. I am praying for you.

      • UV

        Thanks, Jackie. I really appreciate your efforts on this. I think you’re doing a great job inpiring and motivating people. People need serious help on this issue.

    • Judy

      Oh, you need to move to NV and reopen your case. Here, dads get 50 % custody, no matter what kind of person they are. My daughter is in this situation now. Her ex could have cared less about his son during the marriage. Now as his revenge, and knowing the new law here, he is taking advantage of the situation. It is alternating weeks for them.So her son has two completely different life styles to endure. In her home, bedtime is 8 PM, dinner at the table, etc. or stability in other words. Her ex works 2:30PM until 11:PM. He picks the child up from his mother’s residence (in a motel), so then the child has interrupted sleep. He must then be at school at 8:15. The ex takes him out of school (because he can, was his words) for a day trip. He doesn’t bother to tell my daughter, who gets a call that her son was absent. She has no idea if he is ill, or what.The judge was more preoccupied with equal custody, rather than the child’s best interests. Oh, and he made “friends” with all the mothers at school, and the narcissistic snake told them how my daughter has mistreated him, etc. And now they treat my daughter like a leper. When will it end? Please Karma, act now!!!

  7. Melissa sugar gold

    My exHusbands wife is making my life and my kids life miserable. My ex husband just died of cancer. His new wife is living in my home and won’t get out. I want to put her and her daughter out on the street where they belong. I think the new wife has taken the money that my ex left for my kids. I believe she has taken money out of their trust funds. I don’t know why she is taking these things. She has been mean to my kids and me. I Have tried to be nice and make friends with her since she was going to be part of my family. She wants nothing to with me or my children. She says horrible things about me. I am friends and have a good reputation in this town. But she is trying destroy that

    • Shannon

      You want to put someone’s child on the street? I understand you hate the ex wife but you think a child should be put on the street? That’s pretty harsh

    • resagsn

      Stop making your EX husbands wife hell! she has been thru enough with her husband dying and to kick her and her young child out on the street.; heartless. My god lady, have some compassion and let them get on their feet.
      a bad situation had happened. A wife lost her husband and children lost a father. you being vindictive at such a devastating time, says a lot about your character. MY POINT IS LEAVE THR WIFE AND HER CHILD ALONE! Worry about your children. They need you now more than ever


    Of my exes only 4 (2 wives, 2 girlfriends) have been vindictive. However, all 4 were passive aggressive, lying, cheating, manipulative, abusive, and mentally unstable.

    I’ve dated casually with varying frequency over the years, and some women were nice, but ultimately I’ve found “modern” women to be selfish, cruel, and completely stuck on themselves.

    In contrast, more old fashioned women tend to be kinder, more thoughtful, and less uppity. If you other guys want a good woman, go for old fashioned and less flashy (modern).

    Avoid women obsessed with their appearance, reputation, and other attention-seeking related BS. Drama queens make horrific partners. Look for the sweet, quiet, humble, thoughtful ladies.

    In other words…

    Think with the big head…not the little one. I learned that that hard way.

    • Weaselina

      Sounds like you are quite a catch (snirk).

      Great system for you. A few more wives and girlfriends and you should know just about all the kinds of women out there, huh?

      Here’s a tip: maybe look at yourself for a minute. You sound like you need to fix yourself and stop giving stupid advice on the internet.

  9. Michael Karamanolis

    My ex has made my child lie about apparent sexual molestation, they even opened up a case at the police department. I’m the sole provider for my family, I have already been acquitted of her first attempt at doing this, somehow she got my daughter to tell the teacher these things. I’m a christian, I work hard, I have two jobs paying for legal fees and maintenance, without me there joint income annually is what a earn in a month, and 1/5 of my income goes to my children, and maintenance. I spent almost 100 thousand rand last year getting access to my children after two years of fighting for them just sothat they can do this again to me. It makes no sense, why would i do such a horrible thing when i fought so hard to have them in my life again. I feel like giving up, I feel like quitting and running away, but my conviction stops me, my fear for God prevents this. I’m caught up in a horrible nightmare that will not end. I do not have any words I feel numb and alone. I hope that something good will turn up from this. I’m so horribly saddened, by all of this. I’ve just acquired the same forensic psychologist that examined Oscar Psotorius the athlete that shot his girl friend at an extreme cost, I’m not a wealthy man, I work as a Solutions Architect and I lecture computer science subject at the local university. You see I love helping people, and i’m such a geek, the last thought i would have is doing something to hurt someone. I hope someone will read this and come to my aid. Please pray for Gabriel and Zoe and there daddy Michael that this little family will be reunited for good again.

  10. John

    I THINK YOU SHOULD RENAME THIS ARTICLE; “When hiding behind society and children fails to work, blame your wrongs on your spouse, because he/she is the one who is angry, and therefore must be punished”.

    Very sound reasoning,…AND Convenient!

  11. Meliss Sugar gold

    I can’t get rid of my husband who is 40 years my senior. He is sick. How do I get rid of him?

    • Truthspeaker

      Aren’t you the same one who commented about taking your ex husband’s house away from his wife and child? I suppose you don’t need the 40-year-senior husband now that you can just take everything your ex husband had and leave his wife on the street. This article isn’t for you. It’s about you. What a disgusting human being you are.

  12. Ryan

    You’re wrong about one thing. They never feel guilt about it. Why are there no laws to protect against the abuse and parental alienation of an evil, manipulative, psychotic ex?

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Believe me when I tell you I wish there was. I wish there was jail time required for men and women who do this to their ex and to their kids. It is despicable and disgusting and in my opinion, just as bad as any other major crime.

      • oandlomom

        People who do things like tamper with brakes are quite possibly sociopaths or malignant narcissists and cannot feel guilt, that’s why they are able to do those things. If someone really did that they would be charged with a felony if the evidence supported it. My vindictive ex punished me by fighting me on custody. I was considering divorce when I was pregnant with my 13 year old, back when the mom was more likely to get the kids. I had no idea there was this insane trend of 50/50 when I filed for divorce. Once my ex heard about it he made it his goal in life to get it, because he knew I was appalled when his sister agreed to it 8 years earlier. He said the old- I’d rather give it to the lawyers than you, and that is what he did. He lost almost his entire retirement account and is on a 10 year repayment plan with his 2nd law firm who charged him $75,000 for basically nothing. If he had been reasonable we’d both still be homeowners and our kids would be better off financially but he is a narcissist with a narcissistic injury who cut off his own nose to spite his face in a major way.

  13. Jay

    I am a mother and being alienated from my child by his father.
    Even though there is no signed agreement or court order, I have been paying child support. Father refuses to give me 50-50 physical custody stating that I am ruining my child’s life by forcing it. We still have 50-50 custody (shared obligations) as I have not given him the 100%.
    To make parenting time uncomfortable, I can only spend my parenting time IN his home. And he constantly phones my son during the 3 hours I am with him — on the phone that bought and am paying for my son.

    My child didn’t have a problem going to my house until his father ruined it for us.
    Every time my son and I are out, his father will call constantly and get mad if we miss a call from him. At one of my son’s visit to my house, his father phoned him and my son went to the bathroom so I couldn’t hear. Next minute, he is asking me to drive him home. My child either had to lie so he doesn’t receive the cold treatment until he just got tired of reporting to his father about what we do that he stopped going to my house or going out with me altogether.

    Last year, i have decided that my 6 years of diplomatic approach doesn’t work and it is now time to seek the court’s help. In retaliation, my ex refused all our proposals for 50% physical custody and counselling for my son. (I know why, because he is worried that my son will wake up soon enough to see his evil deeds. Only evil person will deny a child a counselling)
    He also is now asking for spousal support.
    And he also reported me to Revenue Canada. Now, CRA is clawing back every penny I received for child tax benefit.

    I did not realize that a person can be this rotten. He is so intent in making me suffer that he doesn’t realize or care that our son is the poor victim of all these. It has been 6 years since our marriage ended and yet, he still punishes me by using my son or whatever is left of my money.

    • Jackie Pilossoph

      From this letter alone, it appears that he is really desperate, insecure, resentful and vindictive. He cannot move on and is intent on making hate and revenge the cornerstone of his life. I feel so sorry for your son. I’m not really understanding how you ended up with 50/50 custody that you had to have at his house. Maybe you need a consult with another attorney. That just doesn’t make sense. No one should have to have parenting time in the ex’s home. It doesn’t add up. Sounds like you need better counsel and need to go on the offensive. Maybe you need to try for 100% custody. Unreasonable people can’t reason and be diplomatic. So, you have no choice but to fight back hard for your son. I wish you all the best.

    • Ally

      I feel for you and your child. I have a similar experience. You must be in Canada as you mentioned CRA, so am I. Ontario has the worst outcome for moms dealing with narcissists. Pretty much 50/50 is awarded without taking into consideration how awful the ex is. I know this post is a couple years old, but if you see this reply, I would be intrested to find out how you are doing and if the situation has changed. I hope things are better for you now.

  14. Ivy

    I usr have a question. I have an vindictive ex husband who has gotten custody of our son. I want so badly to see him but now I’m afraid to reach out. How can i do that without feeding the hate? I just wanna see my son…

  15. K

    I’m going through the same… my ex convinced my son at 13 that the grass is greener on the other side offered to get him a truck for his 14th Birthday if he would move in with him (in a different Province) so he would not have to pay child support any more? And told him to hide from his Mom and sent him a plane ticket (one way) so on that morning when i was leaving for work. Unaware of any thing! My son was gone! I tried everything to reach him including contacting the RCMP and they were unable to help me because he was 13. NOTHING he was gone … and NO phone calls NOTHING all I could get from the police (RCMP) Was he was on a plain and were it was going… After 3 1/2 years later I was subpoenaed to court over missed Child Support payments? I went to court thinking I would See my son… NO … just a lawyer. I ended up paying Child support payment? And still no contact with my son.
    Untill a year ago on Mother’s day… i got a text from my Son and have been in touch with him till last month?
    But… I’m unable to work any longer becase of a medical condition and on CPP Disability. I filed with the courts and received a Stay while I wait for it to go to court in my ex’s Province. My son hasn’t been living with my ex since he took me to court 1.5 years ago.
    We have been divorced for almost 10 years. So I can’t tell you when it Stops….

  16. Sherry Endersby

    My husband’s ex has been telling untrue things to his children. She grew up in foster care (father was an alcoholic who died in an accident and mother a schizophrenic) and she is emotionally supporting a 42 year old son what is addicted to both alcohol and drugs and has followed us from one comunity to another saying she wishes to take care of her granddaughter. Her son though with the substance abuse problems was seen at the pawn shop trying to get a couple of bucks for a five year old laptop and stole another person’s diamond earrings as well as cash. The grandson has participated in a very unfortunate circumstance surrounding harassing a teenaged girl. The giorlfriend of the oldes son has been searching the internet to diagnose her boyfriends emotional diagnosis and thinks he is a narcissist but yet still stays with him as she wishes to get his bank accounts shared in her own name as well. I am sure there is a problem. Also I have observed that the mother seems to drink and she bought beer for the addicted one the night before he was going into rehab. There is something wrong with this picture most definitely. They are very peculiar peole.

  17. Michael Sheahan

    A few examples of my EX’s violent behavior. Counselors told me I had battered wife syndrome. She had me arrested for domestic violence before she filed. Our 13 year old son elected to live with me, she harassed him and tried to choke him into submission. She hit our 6 year old so hard in the head, he was unconscious and brought to the hospital. She accused me of kidnapping our infant son hiding at my mothers with weapons. Police responded, it was my fathers wake and infant was 14 years old son. Beat and kicked our 16 year old daughter for not riding the school bus home in front of her friends. Made sure no one could stay in the family home out of spite. Abandoned it and in last 15 years made sure it fell in on itself, completely unliveable!

  18. Dee

    Nightmare ex… I would LOVE to move on with my life for the sake of my kids and myself. However, my lovely ex ( who cheated with over 35 women btw … some a few years older than my child) continues to drag me back to court to try to modify his alimony and time sharing. He claims he is broke( yet took out a jumbo loan on a house by the beach)
    He LOST his attempts in court…. but cost me THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS not to mention over a year to defend this
    He CONSISTENTLY bashes me to our kids when he sees them…. if they are upset with him and try to verbalize that to him … his response is always the same
    Your mother must have made you feel that way

    The reality is that our kids are old enough to remember his behavior and lack of presence over the years
    Rather than acknowledging his shortcomings ( we ALL have some) and moving forward
    He blames me for HIS poor relationships with his kids

    And I am SURE he would be one to call me the “bad ex” and agree with this article

    All the while he is lying to the kids about me
    If I speak to them regarding him
    It is factually correct info only

  19. Julie

    My ex was the vindictive one for years. He did it all in secret (well, at least secret from the kids) so that nobody but I could see it. He threatened to kill my new boyfriend if he came around my adult children. When I told him it was none of his business anymore since he divorced me (left me for a “friend”, then broke up with her as soon as the papers were signed), he broke into my house in the middle of the night and stole a large number of items out of the garage. Then he slashed one of the tires on my car. I don’t want the drama for my kids so I stay silent. Then I get to watch my kids adore the man who has traumatized me and bullied me and threatened me. Now, he’s the one with the new girlfriend and she immediatly befriended my kids. Hanging out together, posting on social media together. Now I’m the one that is so angry I cannot contain it. I do not want to become the vindictive one, but I am SO tempted to air all the awful disgusting things he did to me to get back at him. It is starting to affect my relationship with my children because I can’t stand to see them happy for him (and I know this is very wrong). It’s just not fair how much they adore him when he has provided nothing except a cool playmate their whole lives. He’s never provided – that was my job. He never disciplined – that was left to me. He would use the money I earned to buy them gifts from “Dad” on special occasions while I was at work. Years of conditioning that mom was the bad guy, don’t know why mom is so angry again – the rest of us are fine. Meanwhile he spent so much of my paycheck that my bank account was always negative. Even when I made a six figure salary! As soon as I took the spending power away from him, I never had another negative account issue – ironically that’s exactly when he decided to file for divorce. Even when I single-handedly funded two households, one that he lived in for free, while my youngest finished high school. There was amazingly still enough. Seeing a therapist starting tomorrow…praying she helps me sort through this extreme anger so my kids aren’t affected any more than they already have been.

  20. Katie

    I am experiencing this now. My bfs ex wife has manipulated his kids against both of us and my kids. She has them calling me names, being mean and ignoring my kids, had the kids threaten to leave him if he has anything to do with me. Has the young one asking about financial goings on …which Is no ones business. My bf is bewildered and so upset about being forced to choose. Not sure if karma will get her anytime soon. I have developed anxiety, him health issues. Both seeing therapists separately. I have no idea what to do….we love one another but this vindictiveness is taking its toll in every way

  21. Joe Dean

    Hello, I have read several story’s I can relate to. I was married to the woman of my dreams from high school sweethearts dating for 5+ years. Then married for 17+ years, we had a daughter that is now 36 with 3 granddaughters which I never get to see. My son is 29 also a police officer he also has cut all communication. My ex starting changing after we got married she became the person who wanted to control every aspect of our daily lives. I was a great provider and a great dad she also worked but never made half or what I did. We constantly argued about financial and adult issues that she insisted on doing this in front of our children. I was raised that us kids never knew what our parent financial or personal thing between our parents. After 17+ years of hearing I hate you why don’t you just leave and make us all happy. I take lots of blame by staying at the bar to long at times and yes there was a another woman before I finally left. My ex had made my life a living hell, she no longer cooked or cleaned she slept on the couch and I in bed by myself. We didn’t have a marriage we didnt even make love or confide in each other so the marriage was actually over. The day I told her I was leaving she set and cried but no once did she ask my to stay. From that day forward she would lie steal and have me in court for things I couldnt believe. Back 22+ years ago I was paying her $1100.00 a month for 2 kids. Well that wasn’t enough so she decided to take me back to court seeking $1500.00 each month. The judge ask her attorney if a schedule for child support had been figured and his reply was no. The judge told him he had 1 hour to get a schedule together, I was representing myself. I had all of my tax returns and current pay stubs. When he came back the judge shocked me and almost made my ex pass out. He said my payment would be $750.00 each month. Well if looks could have killed I would have been buried the next day. This is when she started telling our children how I took her to court and had child support reduced. Moving forward I paid every month thru the courts so there would be no questions. This has went on for 22+ years as the target parent to the point of my own kids cussing me and telling me what a pos I was. I wrote her a letter some would call it offering a olive branch, I ask for forgiveness and apologies for things I had never done. This was 3 months ago she told our grow kids that I was blaming her for me not having a relationship and my son texted telling me to stop blaming his mom because we didnt have a relationship. I have hurt so much and yes I have cried like a baby. I have forgiven all and I am not mad. But what I am upset about is how my future has been stolen from me because of a grown woman at 62 years of age continues to stir the pot of hate and division. My daughter has treated her soon to be ex exactly how her mother had done me. She has destroyed his life, this will pass from 1 generation to the next until someone swallows their pride and hate! I still cant keep a relationship with another lady because of the feelings I dwell on about trying to get my children and grandchildren back into my life. I am the father that loves with everything he has, I am the father that would give them the world, I am the father who would gratefully die for them. However I am the father that will never get that chance!

  22. TQ

    HA! my ex husband concealed my ownership, falsified evidence, sold our 2 million dollar home, (off market) without my knowledge or consent for 1 million and included my personal property and other community property, turned off utility without notice, me and child woke up in the dark, with a evictions on the door. The sale produced no proceeds. I was prevented from the hire of counsel because he refused to give me alimony of 12,000 a month, while opportunistic unauthorized third parties lusted at the “too good to be true cheap 3 house compound“ where they harassed us, gained possession, stole over 6,000 sq ft of assets, including my fathers remains, then filed a restraining order against me after I caught them stealing, and threatened me arrest, then kept stealing, then levied my Range Rover after it was falsey reported that I broke and entered into their property when my family has resided our home for over 8 years. My ex husband is a securities fraud litigator and encouraged the entire attack. Insane stuff. He had us robbed. although he makes 60,000 per month and left home to support his drug and prostitute addictions. I am peaceful and spiritual. I never did him wrong. he simply wants to destroy me because I proved happy without him. He is obsessed with abusing me and child. Legal issues is a understatement. Thankful to still have my high self-esteem and sanity. although he staged our destitution. all lies have a expiration date. justice will be served. best to everyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse or an energy vampire. they thrive off seeing your energy wasted. they despise your joy. protect yourselves and stay optimistic. get your respect, happiness and keep pushing. personality, self-love, and happiness is true fortune. These people have no personalities or terrible ones, no happiness, and no self-love. don’t be like them or what they want you to be. love yourself and be thankful you are finally free. If they are being tyrants, study laws that support your rights and shut-them-down! Anybody can sue. Best to all. TQ


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