Swinger Parties: Not The Best Idea for A Divorced Woman

swinger parties

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

I’ve lived in the suburbs for 15 years. During that time, I’ve heard people talk on numerous occasions about supposed swinger parties that go on. I’m talking about men and women who are either married or in committed relationships getting together with other couples to have consensual sex with multiple partners.

I’ve also been in the divorce business (meaning I have been writing this blog) for 7 years. During that time, I’ve gotten hundreds of emails from readers either going through a divorce or who are dating after divorce, so I have a really good handle on the mindset of divorced women. 

That mindset often includes low self-esteem, caused by a couple things: being in a marriage for a long time that was toxic and the insecurity of being single again, older and a single mom.

In my opinion, there is nothing worse for self-esteem than having sex with someone who you know doesn’t care about you or who doesn’t know you. I hear women all the time say “I just want to have sex” and they decide they are in control, they are the ones who are using someone else just for physical reasons. But in reality, I think they are lying to themselves. I think deep down, a woman (and if she’s divorced she obviously likes monogamy) craves the emotional component that goes with a sexual relationship. If it’s not there, and the woman has casual sex and then never sees the person again, or just sees the person occasionally for a hook-up, her self-esteem starts to suffer. It feels empty and she might feel used and not worthy of a healthy, monogamous relationship.

Now, let’s say a divorced woman gets into a relationship with someone, and they attend a swinger party. What does that say about how the man feels about her? He is willing to let her have sex (while others watch) with other men and women. To me, that doesn’t feel like it would be healthy for the woman’s self-esteem. She would always know that her boyfriend didn’t care about letting other men and women touch her and in front of people.

For me, that would make me feel cheap, used, not cared for and just not respected or adored. I think divorced women should raise their standards to be with someone who wants them and only them, and who would never, ever let another man touch them, and who wouldn’t be with another woman not because she would be upset, but because he just doesn’t want anyone else!

Isn’t that the standard we all want? You’re lying to yourself if you say no.

Here’s the thing. After being in a relationship and only sleeping with one person for awhile, things can get monotonous or boring. But swinger parties are not the way to solve the problem. Because guess what? Once you open that door, you can never go back. I truly thing there are consequences that come with opening Pandora’s box.

I urge any divorced person that if your spouse is asking you to attend one of these, don’t do it if your gut says no. Don’t do it because you are afraid you are going to lose him or her if you don’t. And, think about what he or she means to you if they asked you to do this. Are you really meant for each other? No one wants to be alone, but if you are a divorced woman, you already had a heartbreaking relationship. By attending a swinger party to please your boyfriend, you might just be heading to heartbreak #2.

If you are having issues in your relationship in the sex department, swinger parties is not the quick fix. What is? Talking to each other about what excites you, what you want, and what you want that in reality won’t cross the line over a committed, monogamous relationship.

Part of the beauty of being in a committed relationship is that you are committing to be intimate only with that one person. That’s an amazing commitment that is special, important and that should be honored and respected. Keeping a sex life exciting takes effort from both people, without going to the extreme of a swinger party.

If a couple is able to sustain a great sex life and be monogamous for years on end, it is because they tried. They didn’t take their spouse for granted and they nurtured the relationship as they would a small child, a pet or even a plant. They cared enough to keep it alive. They made sex and passion and love a priority in their life. They found time for that. They didn’t let it slip. In other words, I bet they didn’t go to swinger parties.

Like this article? Check out “Dating After Divorce: Why This is An Exciting Time”

 


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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

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