There are many reasons for divorce, and if you ask someone why he or she is getting divorced, here are some answers you might get:
1. My husband cheated on me.
2. I came home one day and found my wife in bed with some guy.
3. My wife doesn’t love me anymore.
4. My husband’s an asshole.
5. My wife’s a Bitch.
6. It just wasn’t working
7. Because my wife is a compulsive liar and a psychopath
8. Ugh…don’t even ask.
But if you think about it, these answers are just scratching the surface on the reasons for divorce. I’m not saying that these things aren’t true, (they certainly might be) but let’s face facts. None of these reasons for divorce are the REAL reason. In other words, getting divorced goes so far beyond “My wife’s a Bitch.”
In my novel, also called Divorced Girl Smiling, one of the biggest messages in the story is that the reason for the divorce isn’t so simple. It’s not cut and dry.
Here’s an example. A guy leaving his wife for another woman isn’t because he fell madly in love with the other woman and oh, what a fluke! Usually, there are undoubtedly so many other factors that came into play.
1. The man (or woman) was unhappy with himself, and went outside his marriage to try to fix what was bothering him.
2. The man (or woman) has a sex addiction and wasn’t satisfied with monogamy.
3. The woman (or man) neglected the spouse, denied him or her sex and he/she didn’t feel loved or appreciated anymore.
I’m not saying these reasons for divorce are justified. But, I’m saying that when you hear a reason for divorce, it’s most likely so much more than you think. And this includes your own divorce.
Here’s another example. I know a woman who was happily married for 27 years, was having great sex with her husband, was loving and caring and nurturing, and to her complete shock, he left her for another woman, who he married shortly after their divorce was final.
Ask this woman if she thinks she had any fault in the demise of her marriage and she will say admittedly, she wasn’t perfect, and that looking back, she could have done some things differently, but all in all, no. She can’t take blame for the divorce.
I also know people who have left their spouse, and years later realize that it was all them, meaning they realize later that the reason for their divorce was their unhappiness. In other words, the divorce didn’t stem from the bad marriage, it came from deep unhappiness within, that no one could fix but themselves.
And then there are people who later realize that although their spouse is the one who pulled the trigger, THEY weren’t happy either, and that in the end, their spouse did them a favor.
Here’s the thing. You can get dealt a bad card and your spouse could just leave you when you thought everything was perfect. That is traumatic and devastating and takes years to get over. I’m not saying these people are victims, but rather casualties of someone else’s bad mental state and/or addiction or unhappiness.
However, in so many cases, I see people who are unwilling to take ANY accountability for their divorce. They place the blame entirely on their ex. Their ex is the reason for divorce. It’s infuriatingly frustrating to me.
I actually know a woman who cheated on her husband, causing the demise of her marriage. The guy she cheated with ultimately ended the relationship and now, if you ask the woman why she got divorced, she will say, “My husband is awful! He was a terrible husband.”
She refuses to acknowledge that SHE was partially (if not entirely) at fault. In her mind, her cheating was justified because of the way her husband treated her in the marriage. It’s so sad because she hates her husband on the outside, but in my opinion, she hates herself and won’t let herself realize that.
If she would admit to herself that she didn’t make the best choice, she’d probably get over both the divorce and the other guy so much quicker!
People like this woman will never be able to fully heal from the divorce until they are able to admit, “SOME of what broke us up is my fault.”
I know that personally, in my marriage, I did some things that I am not proud of, and that I wish I’d have done differently. I don’t think they would have saved my marriage, but still, I am at fault. Did you hear that? I AM AT FAULT for certain aspects of the failure of my marriage. If you can say that, you are healing.
In the end, and years later, reasons for divorce end up not really mattering. But admitting some fault is key in moving on and being a better person in your next relationship and in life, in general.
It’s easy to spot the people who accept their faults and those who don’t. A person who accepts some blame has so much less bitterness, anger, and baggage. Their heart is open and ready to love again because they are able to come to peace with the past.
So, why are you getting divorced?