Awhile back, I wrote a blog called “Honey, I want a divorce: When the Woman decides to Leave.” It’s one of the most highly viewed posts I’ve written. I can’t count the number of women who have responded who can relate. But, the post also seems to infuriate some men and bring out a tremendous amount of divorce anger. Here are a few comments:
This is foolishness. When you are feeling guilty that is because you’ve done something wrong. I find it comical that you blind people are trying help adulterers overcome guilt. Of course they should feel guilty because they broker the oath to stay true their spouse to the end. The only way to end the misery is to stop being selfish, stop being lustful, stop being a slut. Simply put, mend your adulterous ways. Unless these lost people were abused or cheated on, quit treating these selfish oath-breakers as victims.
I find it very troubling to read how little respect women here have towards marriage. You SHOULD feel guilty for leaving an honest man. You ARE wrong. You ARE a bad person. You hurt the person who loves you the most because you were unable to fulfill your part of the bargain. You deserve to be unhappy and if you are happy hurting your husband, you are simply selfish and should be punished with the burden of guilt, you deserve nothing from the marriage, and should have to pay for the entire process of destroying your family, and feel guilty. Why? Because you made the decision….no one else and you are a bad person… accept the consequences for your selfish ness and stop trying to make divorce seem anything but wrong.
Cheating destroys families and it irreparably ruins lives! PLEASE HEAR ME ON THIS… Cheating isn’t just morally wrong, it DESTROYS LIVES! If you can live with knowing you’ve caused someone, like your husband, your children, another woman and perhaps her children, greater pain than they could ever know… then by all means, do your worst! But if you don’t want to live with that… don’t do it! Get out of your relationship first, divorce, separation, etc. then find someone who is single (only after you’ve gone to counseling to figure out what’s wrong with you), because let me say this… WHOLE people don’t need to cheat! Only empty, shallow people cheat and that has more to do with you than your partner.
It is very obvious that all three of these men have immense divorce anger over the way their marriages ended. So, what I want to say first is, I’m sorry. I feel for you. I understand how pissed off you are. I do. But I also want to say that for every one of you, there is a woman out there whose husband did the same thing to her. Please don’t lose site of that.
Furthermore, these three men are all assuming that every woman who leaves, leaves because of another man, which is very very very very very much not the case a lot of the time.
What these men are all failing to do is to take ANY responsibility in the demise of their marriage. While I was not in their homes to see what took place, I find it difficult to believe that a woman would just one day say, “You know what? I’m out of here,” despite the fact that things in the home were perfectly peachy keen. What I want to ask these men is, were there perhaps signs you didn’t see? Did your soon-to-be-ex try to go to counseling and you refused? Did you go to counseling? Did she try to tell you she was unhappy and maybe you ignored it?
People (both men and women) who won’t take responsibility for any part of a divorce really need to obtain some self-awareness so that they can begin to heal. Wasn’t there ANYTHING you did? Were you perfect?
All that said, there are some women (who I know personally) who left their husbands because they were bored and met someone else. It disgusts me. I want to punch them. So, yes, it happens. BUT, it also happens to women! Men do it just as much. But honestly, in most cases, the person someone cheated with wasn’t the reason the two got divorced, it was just the facilitator of moving forward with the divorce.
I’m not saying it’s right or okay to cheat, but rather I’m encouraging these men to let themselves see that MAYBE, just maybe, something was really wrong with the marriage, much worse than they thought at the time their wife left.
When you are feeling guilty that is because you’ve done something wrong, writes the first guy. I totally disagree. The person who leaves feels guilty because of the children. I find it comical that you blind people are trying help adulterers overcome guilt, he continues. Do you think I’m condoning adultery? Not the case at all. The post and the comments supporting it are meant to help women who decided to leave for a variety of reasons, not to tell them it was okay that they went out and got a boyfriend. Should a woman stay in a marriage when she is being physically abused? Or if her husband is getting drunk every night? Or, if he is cheating? No. Neither should a man.
You ARE a bad person. You deserve to be unhappy, you are simply selfish and should be punished with the burden of guilt writes guy #2. Really? My take is that this man was writing this to HIS ex-wife, not ALL women who left their husbands. I hope. I don’t know your situation. Maybe you are justified in saying this. What I do know is that the women reading this shouldn’t take this to heart because every situation is unique.
Cheating destroys families and it irreparably ruins lives writes guy #3. That is true. He continues, Get out of your relationship first, divorce, separation, etc. then find someone who is single (only after you’ve gone to counseling to figure out what’s wrong with you), because let me say this… WHOLE people don’t need to cheat! Only empty, shallow people cheat and that has more to do with you than your partner. Again, this is a case of a man who is talking to HIS ex-wife, not the general public. Not everyone who cheats is empty and shallow, and no one should go to counseling to figure out what’s wrong with them. You go to counseling to figure out how to fix your marriage, or how to understand why you do the things you do so you can change behavior that you want to change and make better decisions.
In closing, I just want to tell these men again how sorry I am for their situations. If I thought I was blissfully married and got blindsided by my husband leaving me for another woman, I’d be very hurt and angry. BUT, please remember there are so many women who leave not because they want to, but because they know they have to. They’ve tried everything and they can’t make it work. And for that, no one should be judged, nor should the women feel guilty or be punished or called nasty names.