One Word That Will Prevent You From Getting Over A Divorce


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By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

Getting over a divorce isn’t easy. I know that firsthand. But there’s one word that really, really, really slows down the process of moving on: regret.

 

“He wouldn’t have cheated if I was a better wife.”

“I never should have taken that job in California and moved her away from her family.”

“My family warned me not to marry her. I should have listened.”

“I should have divorced him 10 years ago. I would have been a decade younger and had so much more time to be happy.”

“I should have worked harder at the marriage.”

“I never should have said those things to him.”

 

These are just some of the things someone getting divorced might say. These are regrets,  “should haves,”  feelings of sadness, disappointment, feeling sorry for something they did, or feelings of remorse, shame or guilt.

 

Everyone in life has regrets, not just about divorce, but about everything. I have regrets that I think cost me millions of dollars. I have regrets about things I didn’t do, places I never visited, people I didn’t stay in touch with. I have too many regrets to count. And of course, I have regrets when it comes to pretty much every romantic relationship I have ever been in, including my marriage and divorce.

 

Having regrets is part of life. It’s really the way we learn for the future, to live in a way that is better for us and a way that makes us happier.

 

I think it’s OK to have regrets, to think about them and to verbalize them. BUT, there comes a time when regrets need to be put to rest, not focused upon and pushed out of that space in your head that can choose to hold positive or negative thoughts.

 

Think about it. What good can come from constantly thinking about your regrets?

It is impossible to undo what you did in the past, isn’t it? So, all you can do is learn from it and become a wiser, healthier and a better overall person.

 

Our regrets are the drivers that make us smarter and smarter as we grow older.

 

With all that said, here is your divorce makeover. Put your regrets aside and replace that space in your head with TODAY. Rejoice and celebrate what you have NOW.

 

For example, it was 85 degrees and sunny yesterday in Chicago. I worked in the morning. I then worked out, and then took a walk on a beautiful trail. I then played tennis with my daughter. I was then off to work again, but at night, I had a wonderfully romantic dinner with someone I really enjoy.

 

My point is, I didn’t spent the day thinking about the fact that I had to work for a lot of it, and that if I’d stayed in my pharmaceutical job all these years (and not quit after I had kids) I’d probably be a multi-millionaire right now, getting ready to retire, and never working on the weekends. I also didn’t focus on the fact that had I married the right person, I might have been on a blissful family vacation yesterday.

 

Instead, I rejoiced in the moment all day long, from the workout, where I appreciated my health and body, to the gorgeous walking trail with the sun shining brightly on my face, to the visible joy and pride my daughter gets from playing tennis, and later that night, the bliss of romance.

 

Gratitude, contentment, and celebration should be what replaces those awful feelings of regret that don’t mean anything anymore, except for the fact that we gain valuable lessons from them.

 

It’s interesting. Those bitter people who can’t let go of the hatred and resentment for their ex: they haven’t let go of their regrets. Divorced people who end up happy embrace now and the future. They enjoy TODAY. The beauty is, the choice is yours.

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

12 Responses to “One Word That Will Prevent You From Getting Over A Divorce”

  1. Anonymous

    I think an alternative point of view is that some people do quite hurtful things when they stop caring, while others are respectful and caring and do not do such things. Nobody wants to be run over by an emotional bus and get hurt. When people get deeply hurt, hate results. Why is this so hard to grasp? If your X booked 10000 counseling appointments before you both decided it isn’t working, it is a different ballpark from getting a schmoopie and throwing you out on the street. You will not be able to forgive such a person, and will celebrate if they die.

    Reply
  2. HappilyDivorced

    Jackie, I totally agree with your view that having bitterness and resentment for the ex is not going to be constructive at all and will only add further miseries to life – The sooner that one forgets the past and starts a new life like you have been doing, the better for ourselves and the loved ones around us.

    Reply
  3. noor

    Hi,
    superb but we can never forget these moments:)but regret surely does rob the future!

    Reply
  4. Geri

    I would be willing to try magic if it would bring my husband and myself back together.

    Reply
  5. Elyse

    I agree with anonymous. I don’t know how many” buses” have run over me during the course of this divorce. The latest one is my attorneys firm split up and my attorney went to ex’s firm. I can’t even begin to figure out what to do. At the age of 72 and numerous health issues, it’s difficult to see what I have to look forward to…especially when he squeezes out every penny he can get from the marital estate. He “gaslighted” me from day one of our marriage. If you don’t know what gaslighting is, please look it up. He also emotionally and psychologically abuse me. Last but not least he financially abused me. I blamed everything on myself he spent seven years online dating to find a woman older than he is who he is financially comfortable and probably doesn’t have children to leave her money to. He decimated our financial situation by taking out $900,000 in loans without my knowledge and without my consent. Somehow through the divorce I am responsible for half of the loans… Even though I didn’t sign for them. I can’t see how I will ever recover. The hate and hurt will never go away. Any suggestions from anyone are welcome. Thanks.

    Reply
    • LaTrese

      I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal. I pray things will get better and that the right people will come into your life to see you through this, especially legally.

      Reply
  6. Michele

    Elisa, I understand your situation. Although the numbers aren’t quite as high as yours, my ex did similar things – HELOCS and loans galore. He also quit his job, stating that he wasn’t happy and that his getting out of a bad job would help him focus on being a better husband. He only wanted a roommate from day 1 of our 25 year marriage. I should never had bought the lies he was selling, but I loved him. I am very recently divorced, but I know I will find peace and happiness by not dwelling on the past and by focusing on what I can control now. Peace – It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.
    It means to be in the midst of those things and.still be calm in your heart

    Reply

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