My Husband Left Me: I Don’t Know How I’ll Ever Recover


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I promised to love, honor and cherish him forever & I didn’t break a promise. I would do anything for my life to rewind 4 months & for this to not be happening. I don’t understand nor can I believe that this is my life now; that my husband left me & I’m all alone. We were together for 14 years since we were 16. How could he do this? It just feels like it all meant nothing to him when it meant everything to me. I just don’t know how I’ll ever recover.

 

This comment was posted on Divorced Girl Smiling and honestly, it’s heartbreaking. “I just don’t know how I’ll recover” sounds like a hopeless frame of mind.

 

Here’s what I want to say to her:

 

It seems almost impossible right now to imagine that you will be happy again someday. I get it. Your husband has taken your youth and your innocence, and you don’t really know what life is like without him. It’s very traumatizing and will have an affect on you forever.

 

That said, here is the good news. You are only 30 years old! Most people don’t get married (for the first time) until over age 30. I know it is very very hard to imagine trusting and loving someone else someday, but since you are so young, you can have a whole life with another man if you want that. You can have kids with him if you choose. My saying this might be nauseating to you, so keep in mind, I don’t mean this is going to happen tomorrow. I’m just saying that humans crave love and companionship, and we have the innate strength to move on. It takes time, but it does happen.

 

I know countless men and women whose spouses left them and every single one of them falls madly in love again at some point. It is a certainty. Unless they play the victim and focus on being bitter and angry about their ex.-which is a small population, in my opinion.

 

The point is, you WILL recover. How? I’m not sure. How long does it take? I have no idea, it’s different for everyone. But, here are 11 things you can do that will give you a good jumpstart on recovering from your divorce.

 

  • Join a gym. Please don’t roll your eyes. You need the release of endorphins, and the hundreds of other mental benefits that result from both cardio and weight training.
  • Start doing yoga. It will teach your breathing techniques and give you a sense of peace and tranquility during those times when your mind wanders to a bad place.
  • Connect with girlfriends. You need your girls right now! Make lots of coffee walking or shopping dates.
  • Get into reading. There is nothing better than a great book to take your mind off of your own problems. It doesn’t even matter what genre it is, reading not only makes you smarter, but gives you new appreciation for a larger world, not just your own.
  • Find your faith. I’m not saying you have to rush to church or synagogue, but talking to God and having faith is a very soothing way to cope with divorce. He is listening.
  • Avoid alcohol. It will intensify strong emotions of anger, sadness and hopelessness.
  • Be open to meeting men, even if it’s just as friends. Try to remember that not all men leave. There are some really good ones out there.
  • Follow your passion. Do what you love, whether it’s professionally or just a hobby. Your passion makes you happy. Right now, you need happy. Big time.
  • Enjoy your living space. Make it what you want by redecorating, painting, organizing and disposing of unneeded items taking up room. You’ll love and appreciate where you live and you’ll enjoy the comfort.
  • I just read a few articles on Robert Herjevac’s divorce (shark tank guy.) Apparently he was so depressed about his divorce and didn’t know what to do, so he volunteered at a soup kitchen, and said it changed his life. It probably put everything in perspective, and gave him a sense of self-worth that is badly needed during a divorce.
  • Think of your husband leaving you as something you couldn’t control. In other words, don’t keep looking back saying, “Maybe if I’d have done….he wouldn’t have left.” This is what was meant to be, and someday, (although hard to fathom right now) you will realize and accept it, and actually be glad it turned out this way.

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

35 Responses to “My Husband Left Me: I Don’t Know How I’ll Ever Recover”

  1. E butler

    I especially like number 11. I am getting to the point where I am finally glad he left me. It’s been 4 painful years and now I can honestly say that. It is true. Applying the thought “it’s something I couldn’t control” is a an excellent idea.

    Reply
  2. BamaTaz

    #3 has sustained me throughout the last 3 years following my divorce from a 15 year marriage. I can honestly say I have done all the items on this list and by far #3 has helped me the most. During those times of loneliness and sadness my girlfriends have been my rocks to cry on and laugh with. The last 6 months have been a turning point and I am finally reaching a point of peace and happiness. I encourage anyone going through a divorce to find a DivorceCare session at a local church. I did this when I first filed and it has helped me and you can attend future sessions if you want to gage your progress or just get stuck in the process of handling the rollercoaster of emotions. It does get better if that is what you want.

    Reply
  3. Tiffany

    Great advice… The last 9 and a half months have been rough but I have been so much better the last couple of months. It’s so heart breaking that they just are done when you would try everything to make it work. I thought he didn’t care, that he was living this happy life without me but I’ve heard it was just as hard on him. Which I never understood since this is what he wanted. I can tell you that with time it does get easier. I still have a hard time when I think of dating and trusting someone again. It scares me….

    Reply
  4. Vaz

    I wasn’t expecting a response so thank you all. Only my parents and his family know what’s really happened…I couldn’t bear for extended family, friends, colleagues etc to know that he just left, at least this helps me to put on a brave face but it also means that other than my parents I don’t have anyone to talk to. I could go to a therapist (therapy is not as common in the UK) but as it’s been several months now I think I’m best to try & focus on the future rather than dwelling on everything. I go to gym everyday & just started doing Body Balance a few weeks ago but there is a lot more I could be doing. I hardly have any friends that’s what makes this so much harder, we both had lots of friends throughout school & uni then all the girls (me included) just wanted to spend time with our boyfriends and now we really spent all our time together alone or with family. He is in the same situation.

    80% of me does believe that I couldn’t control this – it’s came so out of the blue & he didn’t give us a chance at all so I don’t feel like there was anything I could have done. I had been completely content & as far as I was concerned we were in a loving, solid relationship with a good life ahead of us. He said he’s not been happy for a while but his behaviour never changed & he didn’t mention feeling this way, it just feels like a case of ‘I’ve spent enough time with this one, now to see what else is out there’. To not even give us some time to even discuss anything is just unbearably shocking to me. He’s just cut me out of his life without a care in the world. He really was everything to me – I’ve been too devoted & caring. ‘Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option’ speaks volumes.

    I do realise I sound awfully sorry for myself but this has been such a shock I still can’t believe this has happened – that the person I absolutely trusted and loved implicitly could do this. To feel so close to someone & spend every minute with them to end up like this without warning just feels so unbelievably cruel.

    For 2 months I still felt like he was mine, surely he had to change his mind & this was just a moment of madness but 3 weeks ago he told me (not really through choice but a few things didn’t make sense & I just knew there was something going on) that he’s on Match.com and had been on 3/4 dates with 2 different women. This was 4 weeks after he moved out. I’ll never really know when he started dating, realistically I don’t think it happened before he left as he’s always in from work early every night (and has fixed holidays with his job) & was with me every weekend. Online dating was the last thing I expected, if anything I thought it was more likely he would be involved with someone at work but to go on dates so soon I just don’t understand how he could, how someone could leave a 14 year relationship & go out with other people just a few weeks later. I am hopeful that one day I will meet someone else but at the same time I do worry how I will ever trust them. If someone that you’ve spend half your life with can just end it all & move on right away what hope is there with someone I’ve not even met yet.

    I knew there would be someone else eventually but I really never expected him to date so soon. I though that he would eventually meet someone on a night out but with hardly anyone to go out with I guess he felt this was the only way (& the easiest & quickest way). As awful as this is, it’s helped me to realise that it really is over but it’s also ruined any chance of us ever being friends or even speaking down the line I’m just too hurt. In 14 years I always felt that he was completely honest with me, at no point did I ever feel like I was being lied to, we were always together & so close but he’s now a different person now.

    Not 5 minutes goes by where I’m not focusing on this, I can hardly think about anything else & I just wish I could stop. My worry is that I’ll just never get over the hurt….how someone I cared for so much & was very kind & utterly devoted to could really cause me so much pain. At the same time I know I just need to stop thinking about what he’s done and focus on me.

    Reply
    • Julie Atherton -storey

      Ive just read your post. You could be talking about me. Can’t believe how we are the same. Its week 1 for me and im devastated

      Reply
      • Britt

        Same here. Exactly me right now except 10 years instead of 14. I’m just about two weeks in, he is still living in our home and it’s killing me.

        Reply
      • Deb

        I’m sorry to say I have a similar story. My husband of 24 years announced he was divorcing me while I was in extreme pain and unable to care for myself postsurgery. That was two weeks ago. Since then he has said he wanted to work things out and then abruptly moved out three days ago. My 79 year old parents are now living in my basement until I can take care of myself. He started individual counseling six months ago, but lied and said he was stressed about work. He was working up the nerve to leave. I spent six months consoling him and telling him how much I loved him and he could quit his job or get fired. That I didn’t care because we were ok as long as we had each other. I can’t reconcile the person I love with the person who lied to me for six months and walked out on me twice when I could not feed or bath myself. It’s so cruel. He says we are separated but is thinking about whether or not to try couples counseling even though he said he would before the second walk out. I know I should not want to be with a liar and a cruel person, which apparently he is even though I have never seen this behavior in 24 years. I think it is the fact that he lied for all those months and I did not have a chance to try to fix any problems. My marriage is simply gone in an instant and there is nothing I can do about it. My heart breaking. I certainly hope you all can find some peace some day.

        Reply
        • Jackie Pilossoph

          I am going to write a blog post on this situation so I will offer more detailed advice. In the meantime, what I will say is, when you don’t feel physically fine, it is very hard to imagine being on your own. But once you recover, you will probably feel differently. For me, and outsider reading this, it shows me what kind of person he is and where his head his. Don’t you feel like you deserve better? Don’t you feel like you shouldn’t have to beg someone to stay with you? And if you do beg, (which I am not judging-after 24 years I might do the same) isn’t it kind of like that’s all you can do at this point? My prediction is that he will leave and then he will regret it. I’m so sorry you are going through this difficult time. But I really believe if you can find your inner-strength and confidence, your life will turn out great.

          Reply
      • cherry

        http://www.chumplady.com

        your exes are assholes and probably cheaters. chumplady’s website has been what helped me through when my husband left me while i was pregnant. you will find your sanity there again. just leaving this message here in case it can help anyone.

        Reply
  5. Chrissy

    Vaz, the same thing happened to me a little over a month ago. We had issues but him leaving came out of nowhere. I do believe you and I will find love again. I’m not giving up hope because we married the wrong people. Please try to stay positive, I know it’s hard, but we are better off without people like them. I certainly don’t think we deserve someone who would bail on us! Be blessed

    Reply
  6. Matt

    Vaz, I em sorry about what you are going through, but it is going to get better. I am a male whose wife left me. I understand what you said about your vows. I would have tried to move heaven and earth for her if she asked. I stayed with her through illness and paid most of the bills and never said anything. Honestly, she still hasn’t given me the real reason other than she is unhappy. She told me once I sign the papers, we can talk about it. I did request counseling for our marriage but she wouldn’t attempt. It is very much a roller coaster of emotions. I would encourage you to see a therapist or counselor for yourself. At first I was worried what others would think, but if this is still bothering you all the more reason to try. My counselor has helped me understand number eleven, build my self confidence, and help me become a stronger person. I was very passive as a husband because I didn’t want to argue even when I knew there were issues. She wouldn’t let me talk to longtime friends, be on Facebook, or change jobs. Looking back, I realized that I deserve better. You do too. I know you are hurt, but you deserve to be loved and appreciated. As for being thirty, don’t worry. I didn’t even get married until thirty, lol. M

    Reply
  7. Ann

    Funny thing is I announced we should get divorced. We were so miserable, that I thought he would be relieved. But he is angry. He has a new life. He wants nothing to do with me. I am to blame for the years of misery. He transports the children. He will stay at house on Friday eve if I want to go out. That is it. Last week he emailed two of my siblings and told them all the misery I caused throughout the whole marriage. I am in shock that he would actually do such a thing. He will not answer phone when I call. He lectures me in long emails about all that I did wrong. I am totally lost.

    Reply
  8. kris

    I am 6 months into my separation and just filed the papers. I’m still in shock and very hurt. This is the greatest pain I’ve ever experienced. It’s like he just morphed into a different person. I miss him so much it hurts. He continues to try and beer my friend but i reject the demotion. Inside I know he’s an ass for the things need done both physical and mentally and emotionally etc. .still i tried to work or out yet he blames me for things that make absolutely no sense. It had helped knowing I’m not alone and hopefully the years will stop sooner than later. I’ve tried almost all of these techniques and I’m still working on it! Thanks everyone.

    Reply
  9. Yummy

    I totally understand this. My ex left me for another woman while I was pregnant after a year of marriage. Talk about devastated. I know I wasn’t a good wife but to feel like trash (disposable) once again, I snapped. I took it so hard, I made HUGE and HORRIBLE mistakes during the process. 9 years of resentment surfaced and I lost it. It has been 4 1/2 years since he left and almost 3 years since the divorce was finalized. I didn’t think I would survive…but I did. I have a good job, I start class this fall. I’m doing better than even my ex thought. I’m only getting better. I really hope you find your strength, and hold on to it. This is a storm and like any storm it can get rough but it won’t last forever. You’ll be a different yet better person for it if you allow. HUGS!!

    Reply
  10. Natasha

    Hi Tiffany,
    I feel the same way. I have been dealing with a medical condition since the end of 2014 that had turned everything upside down. I can’t work, can’t drive, went from an outgoing person, to practically agoraphobic. My husband just left me on May 6th and blindsided me w/ divorce papers on May 16th. After looking at the papers, he had filled it out on May 9th. I couldn’t and still can’t believe it. He didn’t even try to work things out. I was willing and am still willing to do everything to keep our family together, but he is just done. I just can’t believe how someone can cut off their love after almost 8 yrs of marriage like that. And be so definite on top of it. It’s like he doesn’t even miss me. I just don’t understand. I don’t even know who he is. He swears that there is no one else, so I don’t know why he is so sure that there’s no chance for us. He out and out said he is no longer in love with me. It hurts so much. He is the love of my life, and I feel so alone. I don’t have any friends. He was my best friend, and now he’s gone.

    Reply
  11. TTastass

    Hi Vaz,
    I’ve only come across this now. Sadly I’m currently in the situation you were in. How are you now?
    Has it gotten better?
    I certainly could use some hope. BTW I’m also in the UK.

    Reply
    • Getbackupagain

      I’m just over a year in (also in uk) and elements have gotten better but some things haven’t. I’m still not over the hurt and anger yet. Don’t love him or want him back but the lies and the pain he caused still affect me now. Hope you ok. Take it one day at a time.

      Reply
    • Getbackupagain

      I should add I found out nine months in he had been cheating on me for a few months and we have children so you might recover quicker as I think it set me back a lot. X

      Reply
  12. Devastated

    I just had my 3rd husband leave me – I can nearly get up in the morning and go to work. I feel like such a loser.

    Reply
    • suzanne

      I am in the same exact situation as Natasha, medical condition, can’t drive, no friends, and he has been cheating on me for 2 years and i was so stupid , I didn’t know. He pretended to work on our marriage with counceling, but was all fake so I wouldn’t file papers so he could “Have his cake and eat it too” we have property and a business that I started then gave to him while i took care of the kid, homeschool and all. i worked so hard raising the 2 most best children in the world while he was working my business for us. Now he thinks everything is his and his adultress is telling him not to help me with my medical condition and threating me with her having the best lawyer in oklahoma. I am so sick to my stomach i cant think straight, anxiety is crazy, meds not helping. I will have nothing and most likely will be living in the streets or maybe a very small bit of government help. but i dont think government help will be there for me, because i am not a minority. I am hopeless and just dont want to be around anymore.

      Reply
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    Reply
  14. Christy Gil

    My story is a little different, My mom past away, Five month after my husband left. it was really bad for me because it was when i most needed him. but after six month from when he left. he started coming back to the house be with the kids and sleep over. then he move to his own apt. i cant talk bad about him because he pays my rent car etc, and he still sleeps with me it has pass 3 years already. when i tell him that this cant go on any more the first thing that he say is oh you seeing someone, I’m like no but this is not right. i tell him that i need to heal no more. But i dont know what else to say or do. But this is not right for me. This is the best part he say that he wants to be alone for now that time will heal us, and things could be better after that.

    Reply
  15. Kris

    Omg the my childs father just broke up with me. Im a stay at home mom and honestly he broke up with me once but i thought he wasnt gonna do it again. He broke up with me before because he was not attracted to me anymore after gaining weight when i carried his child. We got back together the next day because he wants to work this out. He didnt know i started going to counseling after that because my security in the relationship is gone. Mycounselor predicted that he will do it again and leave me but i didnt quite believe her and now 5 months later he did leave me. Im so torn. How can someone just leave their partner like that. I thiughteverything was fine and out of nowhere this happened! 🙁 gonna pack things tomorrow morning and move back at my moms with my daughter.

    Reply
  16. SF

    My heart is breaking…my husband of 15 years decided he no longer loves me. I can’t stop crying or function and I know I sound pathetic but I just want him back. It’s too much pain. I hate crying so much for someone who could care less about me. I just want someone to tell me it will get better.

    Reply
    • Anita

      My Husband of 20 years left me almost a month ago and I wish I could say I am better. I maybe I would have been if I keep finding out little things that caused him to abruptly walk out. Mainly his 8 month texting/emotional affair. Are we really supposed to believe there no “touching” involved? I just wish my lying soon to be ex would tell the truth and let the healing begin

      Reply
      • Jackie Pilossoph

        I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is very frustrating when you know in your gut that a physical affair took place, but the person won’t admit it. It makes you feel like you are going crazy. You are not. Listen to your gut. If you do that, you don’t really need the details. You know what’s going on and you get to decide when the healing begins. Let it begin now. The truth will eventually surface (but then again, you will have already known.) I wish you all the best.xo

        Reply
  17. Emily Jones

    I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse i think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Please seek help from your physician and/or therapist regarding the addiction issue. It will become a huge problem if you don’t get help soon. I am so sorry for your pain. Just remember that you are not alone. Things will change, but you need to find the strength and courage to seek help. My prayers are with you. xo

      Reply

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