From a reader: I have been married 10 years and I want a divorce. I love my husband so much it hurts to have to tell him I am leaving. We have been fighting for 4 years now, since my dad died, and even more so for the last year, since my mom died. Mainly it’s because I need more sex and intimacy. I feel so lost without my parents and I need that human contact and he can’t seem to find it important enough to give it to me. He says he loves me but yet my husband has no interest in me sexually.
He is in his mid 40′s and healthy. It seems the more I ask about it the more he holds it back from me. I can’t take it any more! We use to make love almost every other day for 5 years. Then excuses happened all the time. I’m too tired. My hip hurts. Maybe tomorrow. Then that never happens.
I am frustrated and refuse to keep pleasing myself when I am married. If I have to do everything myself, why should I be married?? Help!
“My husband has no interest in me sexually” is heartbreaking.
And, when I read something that says “I want a divorce” and “I love my husband so much it hurts” in the same paragraph, my instinct tells me you do not want a divorce. Which is great! People who have checked out of a marriage don’t typically say “I love my husband so much it hurts.”
There are a few things going on here that need addressed: First, you are dealing with the death of your parents. That has to be incredibly painful and life altering. I’m so sorry for you. I suspect it is playing a huge role in your emotions and wish to divorce. Any therapist will tell you not to make a decision like divorce while you are still mourning the death of a parent or loved one.
Now, about the sex…
You really have to find out what the issue is. I do not buy “My husband has no interest in me sexually.” There is a reason your husband doesn’t want sex. He might feel badly about himself, he might even be depressed. Or, he might be cheating, (I don’t mean to scare you, but it is a possibility).
You need to talk to him. I mean, really talk to him. Ask him in a very nice way. Say this to him: “I love you so much it hurts. You are the love of my life. I want us to be together forever. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want you to want anyone else. But with that kind of love comes sex, and I want to have sex with you. Often. Like we used to. If you really love me and you want a happy, healthy marriage, let’s please work on this together. I will do whatever it takes, whatever you need. I want you. Forever. Do you?”
The two of you can consider therapy, or he could go to therapy himself. He could also have low testosterone, which is causing his low sex drive, so he could have that checked out with his doctor.
Also, you guys could try spicing things up a bit. Here is part of a comment I received in response to your comment that I thought was great:
What options have you tried so far? Maybe spice things up a little bit….toys, role playing, different times of day, different rooms, or new cities/states, etc. can be a new way of introducing something fun and enjoyable for both of you. Yes, sex can get to a point in a marriage where it is routine and boring, but it doesn’t have to be. There is so much more to a marriage than the bedroom.
In closing, I get so many e-mails and comments from people thinking about divorce and their situations seem hopeless. Yours does not.
In other words, yours seems like a marriage that can be saved. But the bottom line is, your husband needs to listen to your needs. If he continues to do nothing, you will eventually cheat and/or leave. I truly hope he is smart enough and cares enough to fix it before it gets to that point.
“My husband has no interest in me sexually” is a terrible way to think, and very very bad for self-esteem. It can also cause a lot of resentment, and bad decision making (in many ways–excessive drinking, alcohol abuse, drugs, cheating, to name a few).
The key here is to put your cards on the table. Both of you. Figure out what the root of the problem is. Be completely honest with each other. It’s not easy to do that, but “I love him so much it hurts,” is worth it, isn’t it?
I do agree with everything said so far but as a wife who is now separated from Someone who deprived me sexually, I feel terrible for her. Like Jackie said… The no sex drive thing is a NO. Something is the cause. Testosterone can be it but cheating can often be it as well. Either way when a woman is rejected by a spouse …it crushes her world. She won’t tolerate it much longer. She should definitely call it to the table NOW. Trust her instincts and know that she is worth being loved and being made love to! Leaving is hasty and may not be what she wants but I waited 15 years and finally realized that change was what I wanted not him.
I had to let go.
Good advice Jackie. People close to me come to me to talk about divorce all the time. I encourage them to fight for what they want and that is usually a marriage that allows them to be healthy and happy. Unless you are in an abusive or degrading dangerous marriage, you should fight. Your divorce will be a more positive experience if you can look back and realize you did everything you could do.
Plus, marriage is very hard with anyone, so who is to say it is going to be better with someone else?
Of Course! Sex is love!
I have been divorced twice and on my third marriage. Like the woman in the article, I love my husband very much, however, he has a back problem with nerve pain, and sex is now almost non existent. He is only 33 years old and and im 40, but my sex drive is like im 20. Im considering divorce, but ive been through so many, and yes the sex was way better in my past relationships. But i love him, and he has never cheated on me and I never cheated on him. Its the best, honest relationship I have ever had, and thats why im still here. But i need sex. I dont want to cheat on him, but my hormones are driving me crazy. IDK what to do.
“I get so many e-mails and comments from people considering divorce and their situations are much worse than yours.” I just have to say, this comment makes me kind of mad. Everyone in this world has problems, and on the scale of starving or dying from some horrible illness perhaps no intimacy in a marriage seems small, but if there is one thing I’ve learned in therapy it’s you really can’t compare your issues to other peoples. Everyone out there is fighting a hard battle, and just because someone else’s situation may seem more dire doesn’t mean that you’re not hurting and allowed to feel what you’re feeling. Sweeping it under the rug because other people are getting divorced for way worse reasons seems like not the best reason to stay. When this woman says “I love my husband so much it hurts.” It hurts. The fact that it hurts matters. I am not a therapist or an expert but this much I know: love really isn’t supposed to hurt. It shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself and leave you wanting. It should warm your heart and make you feel good. I hope this woman and her husband find peace in whatever form that takes. Good luck.
Agreed with everything until the “you guys should try spicing things up” bit. As if the emotional betrayal and abandonment can be rectified or event lessened by a session with a new sex toy. As if mundane sex was the reason for her upset. Horrified.