Here is an email I received from a woman who wrote “I slept with my ex:”
Had sex with my soon to be ex husband Saturday night. Our divorce is final Thursday. The divorce was his idea. Not mine. WTF??
Why do I hear about so many people going through a divorce sleeping with their soon-to-be ex’s? Are they feeling nostalgic? Does one of them want to get back together? Do they just need sex? Are they feeling lonely? Are they hoping a good romp in the hay might miraculously get them back together? Or, do they just plain old miss each other?
Upon receiving this woman’s email, my gut reaction is, she cannot be feeling good about it (which explains the “WTF??”) I feel for her because all this can do is hurt her more and slow down her ability to start moving on.
I’m not sure who initiated the sex, but if it was her husband, then shame on him. He decided to divorce her and then seduced her five days before the divorce was to be final? That’s just wrong on so many levels. If it was her who initiated it, the guy should have declined, in my opinion. You want to divorce someone, you shouldn’t be playing with their emotions in the sack.
Yes, the sex itself probably felt great at the time. Old emotions were stirring up physical attraction, there is probably a lot of history (and possibly kids) and both were probably curious to see if the sex was still good. I get the rationale.
But, here are 5 reasons why it was probably a really bad idea:
1. After the afterglow of the sex wears off, and the reality that it is really over kicks in, all that does is leave a person feeling used, sad, depressed and much worse.
2. It’s a setback to moving on. How can people heal with sex clouding judgment?Everyone feels like they’re in love after sex.
3. There might be other people involved (that one or both are dating) who might get hurt by this. After all, sleeping with your ex is technically cheating if you and your current boyfriend/girlfriend are exclusive. And, it could even end the relationship(s).
4. Sex with someone who left you is a recipe for bad self-esteem. Self-love goes out the window when you sleep with someone you know either cheated on you and/or doesn’t care for you enough to want to stay married to you.
5. Sex with a soon-to-be ex could ruin a legal settlement. When emotions start to flair, and people are hurt or angry, (or think they are in love again) the actual divorce gets a lot more complicated.
The only positive I can see from “I slept with my ex” is that one or both of them might have gotten the closure they needed. Who knows? Maybe the sex was really bad and seemed wrong and gross, and one or both is now able to close the door and move on. The problem is, that might be the case for one person, leaving the other with a devastating setback.
The advice I’d give to this woman is, if you’re saying WTF??, then don’t sleep with him any more. Remember that there is a reason (or reasons) you are getting divorced, and instead of focusing on physical pleasure with your ex, try to think clearly about why you and your ex couldn’t stay together. If you allow yourself to see the truth—which includes the fact that HE WANTED THE DIVORCE, and you ask yourself, “Don’t I deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with me?”, you might find yourself completely turned off by the thought of ever seeing him or her naked again.