A couple of years ago, my friend Lexie met this guy named Pete, who was recently divorced with a couple of young kids. They went out on about three dates, and Lexie decided it wasn’t right, so she ended it. “Nice guy,” she said, “He just wasn’t for me.” A couple months later (I’m not kidding about this) she gets a text from Pete saying that he is engaged. I’m pretty sure he had been officially divorced less than 6 months, separated from his ex-wife under a year, and now entering a second marriage.
Let me explain that I am by no means judging Pete. There is no bigger romantic than me, and I love, love, love the idea of marriage and second marriage. When it’s the right time. That said, I’m constantly amazed by how many divorced or recently divorced people not only rush into serious relationships, but they rush into a second marriage, and then, they always have these really short engagements, and they get married weeks after their engagement, like they just want to do it already. I don’t get it.
Slow down, people! What’s the rush? I’ve read so many divorce books that say it takes YEARS to heal from a divorce. I’m talking 5 years (in my opinion.) So, why would you want to get married to someone else before you’ve fully dealt with what happened to you? There are still times that I think about my failed marriage and come to new revelations about what happened, how I might have been at fault, what I could have done better. And my marriage ended 14 years ago!
I’m not saying I’m not over the marriage, I’m not saying I’m not a happy person, and I’m not saying I’m not in love. I am madly in love and have definitely moved on. But, there are still times I think about my marriage, mostly now for the sole purpose of making sure if I get married again, it will be forever. And, had I met my now boyfriend when my divorce wasn’t even final (14 years ago) would I have married him 6 months after it was final? Hell no.
Again, I’m not judging anyone for wanting a second marriage, because I know that feeling of being so in love at the beginning of a relationship that you can barely breathe, and all you want to do is spend time with the person.
Having kids and different schedules and living in different houses makes getting together challenging. I know that from personal experience. There have been stretches of times when I haven’t seen my boyfriend for two weeks, because our schedules didn’t allow for it. So, trust me, those are the times I say to myself, ‘Maybe second marriage is a good idea.’
But, if you really sit down and think about it, you better be pretty darn sure this is “the one” AGAIN because the last thing anyone wants is another divorce. And sadly enough, the divorce rate of second marriages is significantly higher than first marriages.
The thing is, everyone wants to end up “happily ever after” and I completely get that. I do, too! But does happily ever after really mean another wedding?
Let me continue with the Pete story. So, about three months after he told my friend he was engaged, she began getting texts from him late at night, some of the texts at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. The texts would read, “Hey, Lex, miss you!” or “Just drove by your house and was thinking of you.” Lexie actually thought maybe he broke off the engagement, but then found out from someone that he was married. That’s when she knew he wasn’t happy. I mean, really. You’re married and you’re texting old girlfriends? How happy can you be?
Fast forward to two years later, which was last week. Lexie gets a text from Pete that he is single again. I’m sad, but not surprised. The truth of the matter is, Pete’s marriage ended because Pete had no business getting married. He barely knew the girl, he has two young kids who are undoubtedly still trying to cope with their parents divorce, and he himself needs to heal from the first divorce, still.
There is a book called Crazy Time, which is sort of the Bible for newly divorced people. In the book, (which I believe was written in the 80’s) it says that often times, people get remarried and then get divorced again, and that is when they start really healing from the first divorce. I believe that. You can’t heal if your mind is clouded by a new relationship.
Don’t get me wrong. I was never one of those people to tell newly divorced people they shouldn’t date. They should! When I was getting divorced, I hated when people would say to me, “You need some time alone. You don’t want to date anyone right now. Just be by yourself and figure things out.”
I felt like saying, “How do YOU know what I want? (since you are married and have never gone through this,)” and “Why should I be by myself? Am I being punished for getting divorced, so I’m restricted from dating?”
When people are getting divorced they are feeling lonely and isolated and afraid, and in my opinion, they should date as much as they want. Big difference between dating and committing AGAIN to spending the rest of your life with someone.
I feel sorry for Pete, but I feel even worse for his kids. The silver lining is, Pete and the girl didn’t have any kids together. Talk about complicating things even more!
I might sound really judgmental in this article, and if that’s the case, I apologize because I do realize that every situation is different. I’m just stating that in the majority of cases, if done too soon, a second marriage ends up being a mistake. ANOTHER mistake, which any divorced person can tell you is not something he or she wants to make.
I wish people (both divorced and people who are engaged for the first time) would really take the time to sit down and think about what they are really doing by getting married. Are the things he does that bug you going to get better? NO WAY. Marry him and they will intensify big time. Are you okay with that? If so, great! But be honest with yourself.
I would imagine there are doubts in a second marriage, no matter what. You already made one mistake, so to feel nervous is normal. But overwhelming doubt shouldn’t be ignored. Again, be honest with yourself.
In closing,I will say this. There is no better feeling in the world than being in love, and feeling like FINALLY, after living your whole life well into your 40’s or 50’s, you’ve found the one. But is it necessary to rush into a second marriage? If he or she is “the one,” than you’ve already lived happily ever after, whether you have a ring on your finger or not.
Like this article? check out, “20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told my Newly Separated Self”
i know what u mean been there
Wow that was very good. I am divorced 5 years and remarried a year ago……my new husband and I have some challenges…that are not easy…..we have had a rocky year yet we keep dating and trying on a daily basis…nothing is perfect. He and I are so alike and we overly analyze each other…
A relative (a guy) is getting married soon, after having been divorced a mere five months! The ink was barely dry on his divorce decree from his first wife of 7 years, and he met some woman on line halfway across the country from where he currently lives; she has two young kids. He barely knows this woman and yet he is going ahead and taking another plunge, probably without really thinking anything through. I predict disaster. There is more to the story and each little bit sounds iffier and iffier, and frankly, I agree that jumping into a second marriage before you have had time to sort out the first one, is a huge mistake. Again, I predict disaster on the horizon for this relative. Hope I’m wrong, but I just have a feeling this one is headed for disaster – like the first, wherein he took the plunge after knowing the woman a very short amount of time.
My divorce has only been final 7 months. Just the other day, my ex husband tells me he’s moving in with his girlfriend of barely 4 months. And to boot, he said they could be engaged in 3-4 months. I’m baffled how he’s moved on so fast after being so devastated by the divorce. We. Have 2 young daughters together and I fear for the negative impact all this could have on them.
my husband of 15 years and I separated just 6 months ago. For 4 of those months we discussed reconcilliation. Suddenly he met this woman and they are “serious” and planning a wedding after just a few months of dating. My children already call her children their step-siblings. Their relationship is very public on Facebook and other social media websites. He has already taken my children for weekend get aways with her, sharing the same condo. Our divorce petition wasn’t even filed until 2 weeks ago. She reached out to be my “friend” on Pinterest and I respectfully declined. Now I am being accused of being high conflict and narcissistic because I requested that she not text my son, post pictures of my children on her facebook page and that her 13 year old son not be allowed to share a bed with my 8 year old daughter. I have no idea how to process any of this. My husband and I can no longer communicate without me being accused of being hateful to her and jealous. 17 years together meant nothing apparently. I mean nothing as the mother of my 3 children.
Are they still together?
I was married 5 years together for 12. My ex husband not only walked out on me and my two young kids aged 5 months & 2 years siting neglect because I ignored him whilst he let me bring up our kids alone but then moved his divorce lawyer into the matrimonial home 2 months after our absolute was granted! I’m sure there’s a conflict of interest there. So they were having an affair whilst we were getting divorced and that sickens me.
My friend got divorced three weeks ago- her and her husband has been ‘separated’ but living in the same house for the last 6 weeks or so of their marriage, after several breakups and reconciliations. Divorce law is complicated here, but essentially the divorce was handled from start to finish in one day, and neither can legally get remarried for 3 months. A week before the divorce was put through, she was texting a guy she had just met- last week they moved in together, and today he announces on facebook that they are engaged. This is honestly the scariest thing to witness, as my friend no longer confides in me or any other friend, and is literally inseparable from her fiance. Immediately after her divorce, she stayed with me for a week, but her new man appeared to move in too, without asking if it was ok- when asked if perhaps he (or they) could stay at his house one or even a few nights a week, she moved out without saying goodbye, and our friendship has been minimal ever since.
I don’t know how to offer her support for her divorce or even her new relationship- she refuses to listen to advice (even about pregnancy/ using protection), generally replies “whatever happens happens”, and lies to me and our mutual friends about details of the relationship, telling us all different information mere hours apart. Any advice would be much appreciated- I want to keep my best friend regardless of how this pans out.
It’s so sad how similar our stories are. After a marriage of 9 years ended with two kids my ex had made a stipulation not to introduce or kids to any romantic partners unless we’d been in our relationship for at least 6 months. He meets this girl (presumably on pof 2weeks before our divorce is finalized) introduces our kids 2 weeks later, moves her in 2 months later, now they’re engaged and haven’t even known each other but 4-5 months. It makes me sick. I can’t dislike her- although he keeps us from speaking-probably scared his lies to her will become revealed. Either way, she’s a our like me so it leaves me wondering why he would cheat just to go back to the same routine. He blatantly disagrees that his actions are affecting our kids and refuses counselling. Her goes another step further trying to tell me he’s going to take my kids from me. I just wish he would die some sick twisted poetic and karmic way. If only there was some divine intervention…
It is amazing how common this is. It truly baffles my brain. My ex-husband and I were together for 12 years, married for 7 because he waited 5 years to propose which I was ok with because we were only in our late 20’s. We had been divorced a mere 6 months when he proposed to someone else. They were married a year after our divorce. ONE YEAR! Now almost 4 years later I still find myself healing and reflecting. I am in a relationship, but still can’t fathom taking on another marriage. There is NO WAY you’re healed, just ignoring your pain and masking it with a new marriage. I just feel sorry for the new woman, albeit it is her choice too.
I want to say my case is different, but in all reality it’s not. I was married for 21 years 10 years out of those 21 years, he abused me when he sexually assaulted me is when I called it. Ya we can blame ptsd and over stuff but it was a choice he made towards me. It’s been 3 1/2years now I’ve dated but no mr. Right. Then I reunited with a old classmate that I’ve known since the 4th grade. We both been through alot. We started talking again and then soon started dating. I’ve been with this wonderful man for 6 months now. My kids ages 21 16 and 13 have told me that this is the right man for me, guess they really like him. All my friends and relatives said the same. He recently proposed to me, and I accepted. But in no means are we rushing to sign any papers we are still getting to know each other and how to live with each other. Since we both been single for awhile we both have different opinions and differences on how to live. But we also share the Lord in our hearts and believe he brought us together again for a reason. Faith and love in the Lord is what we are seeking as of now. We have to make sure we are that perfect fit for each other before we proceed forward with our relationship.
We both have a lot to work on but moving forward with everything and so far we are making a wonderful future plans.
My friend is engaged to a woman who is divorcing or recently divorced..she left her husband or vice versa approx a month or so before they got together. It was long distance so they were not together day in and day out. She has three adolescent boys and he was married once it lasted 14 mo the or so. They were engaged after Mayne 9 months and it seems crazy to me . I hadn’t seen him in about a year and was getting ready to leave the state so we talked briefly. After this talk I got a text a while later. BTW I’m engaged and a emoji. I called to talk to Jim about it then texted I’m happy for you pick up I want to heat about it. I got this text It’s innapropriate. Odd as an hour or so before we were talking. In the morning I get a text to my phone asking me what my intentions were in texting him. Ugh She said she needed to know if ahe could trust him blah blah. I praised him and said he’s obviously in love with you and congrats wrx. But it left me sad. They ate both making a huge mistake. He’d been dating and literally ended it wirh someone that was off and on but that he really like one month before being exclusive with her. And again I’m not sure she’s divorced if so couldn’t be more than a few months. Sad.
The older I get the more free thinking and non-judgmental I must become because my gut reaction to this entire story w/comments is “mind your own business.” Every couple is different. Life is short. Love who you want, when you want, how you want. Know yourself. Be true to yourself. Tend to yourself and cultivate your own happiness. And don’t let the opinions of busy bodies get in your way.
My thoughts exactly. Plus, by the time we’re in our mid-40s, we’ve seen a million different versions of a million different relationships — romantic and otherwise — and know that it’s truly anyone’s guess as to how things will pan out between any two people.
You can read 10 articles on this topic and get 10 totally different pieces of “expert” advice. Go figure.
Thank you so much for your comment! I just read this blog and all the other comments and to be honest, my reaction to all of them is “wow, people really aren’t very good at learning lessons and figuring stuff out, are they?”
I ended up here because I am 6 months after separating from my husband (it was a sudden but very amicable split), and actually heading to finally file the paperwork today. And I am also in the most amazing relationship I have ever known, with a man who I have been friends with for over a year, whom I always felt a strong intuition about. We didn’t have an affair, while I was married although we nearly had an emotional affair as we tried to navigate being friends while feeling a strong potential for something more… In any case, this is a love unlike any either of us has ever known – open, honest communication, vulnerability, honesty about what we want and need and who we are, acceptance of each others flaws, so much romance and passion, and even at this early stage..committment. And best of all, a mutual dedication to growing and learning and being the best we can be.
We have been talking about spending the rest of our lives together for a while now, and last night he couldn’t hold it back anymore and he asked me to marry him (someday). I immediately said yes, and it feels so right. None of the committment fear/panic I felt when my first husband proposed (when I didn’t even say yes right away, and had a panic attack during our engagement. I feel so happy, so calm, so comfortable in the choice I have made to spend my life with this man. And while we won’t be rushing into marriage (I have to get officially divorced first, LOL), the committment is there and I know that it’s right.
I have been married for just over three years. This is a second marriage for me, third for my husband. I completely agree with this article and the comments from the book “Crazy Time.” I wish I had been more clear thinking and perhaps read this article four or five years ago. This reads like an autobiography of everything I did wrong. It is important, crucial, and necessary to like yourself and spend enough time in relationship with yourself that you know what your deal breakers are, rather than diving into marriage so you’re not alone. I have been terribly depressed and anxious feeling trapped and dependent, as well as foolish and sad for my kids. I’m not sure if I can salvage my marriage or not and my adult kids are understandably angry that I still don’t have my crap together at age 50. They don’t want to go through another divorce. But I often feel I’m staying just for them, as I did the first time around. If you are thinking of marriage the first time around it second, do yourself a favor and heed the advice in this article.
My husband of 12 years came home one day and said “I met this fantastic woman 2 weeks ago and I’m moving in with her”. Perhaps this article doesn’t refer to those type of people but still…. it doesn’t seem like a good foundation for a stable relationship. As for me, yes I’m dating but serious relationships….well that could take years.
Call me Billy Mack
I have never been married myself. In fact, I am in my 40’s and can count the number of dates I have had on one hand, so I can’t speak from any personal experience. However, I am witnessing this right now in my own family. My brother and sister-in-law called it quits just recently. They were married for close to 13 years. However, do NOT be fooled by the 13 years. The marriage itself died LONG ago. By the end, those two hated. loathed, despised one another. They only toughed it out as long as they did for their children. Prior to the marriage’s inevitable end, my ex-sister-in-law met another man. She figured it was okay to go ahead and start dating before she even went to a lawyer and filed for divorce. Now, had she done this years ago prior to when they had children, I really would not give a rip about it. However, since this now involves my nieces, I am concerned about the effects a stepfather will have on them. My ex-sister-in-law is marrying her new man VERY soon. As in before the ink on her divorce has time to dry. I could write volumes about how dumb it is for her to automatically trust this guy after only a few months. But, what I REALLY don’t get is, she SAID that after having been married to my jerk of a brother (I totally agree with her there, he is a massive jerk) she would NOT remarry. And that she does not like what marriage eventually becomes. So, another marriage was out for her, end of story. Yet, this dude she was fooling around with while she was still married is suddenly her freaking prince charming. Her “knight in shinning armor” as she puts it. So, she can’t have TOO bad of a taste in her mouth about marriage, since she is marrying this guy VERY soon. Aside from the obvious part about thinking she knows someone well enough to have her and her children live with him after just a few months, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE THINKING? I mean, really now? Does she think that her marriage to her “knight in shinning armor” is really going to turn out all that differently than her marriage to my brother? Because there was a time when he too was her knight in shinning armor. Does she think that this puppy love stage she is in with him will last forever? All the gift giving and cuddling is going to fade. This guy will eventually get used to her and get comfortable around her. Then, his true nature will slowly start to show. I’m not saying that he is a monster or anything, but he’s not the perfect man that she thinks he is either. And finally, she said herself that she was well aware that the divorce rate of second marriages was higher than first marriages. Yet, she is doing it anyway. As it stands now, she is not quite done going through the agony of her divorce from my jerk of a brother. Yet, she is willing to roll the dice on a second marriage right away. She is taking a HUGE risk. She is putting herself in a high probability of having to go through yet ANOTHER divorce. Was one divorce not enough for her? She better have LOTS of money stashed somewhere. Because something tells me, she will be needing her divorce lawyer again. Sooner rather than later.
Ok so I completely agree with you. My question is, what’s the rush? Why can’t she wait a few years? If it’s true love he isn’t going anywhere. That said, I will defend her on one point. If someone was married, they obviously like the institution of marriage and monogamy. So, it would make sense that they would want to be married again. My experience has been, the longer a person is divorced, the less likely they become to get married again. If you stay single within the first 5 years–not meaning not dating or having a boyfriend, but rather unmarried, then I think your chances of not remarrying are greater. I could be wrong, but that’s my gut feeling.
Call me Billy Mack
It is a WEIRD situation, to be honest. It’s the weirdest one I have ever seen, and that is REALLY saying something, because I have seen some doozies! My ex-sister-in-law says that she does not like marriage because she likes to “share her sexuality” and “have fun life experiences with several different men”. Yet, she wants to marry this other guy once the divorce from my sorry, no good brother is final. By the way, the sorry no good part are MY words. My brother is impossible to live with. Anyway, the thing that I seem to be missing is why she thinks that her marriage to the next guy is going to be so different. I mean, does she really think that he will be totally fine with her sleeping around? Unless they have already sat down and agreed that it will be an open marriage, where absolutely anything goes. But, why get remarried (especially SO soon after a divorce) is she wants all these different sexual experiences with different men? The two ideas don’t seem to go together. So, why not remain single? She seems to be suffering from delusion as well. She is in her mid-30’s, yet she THINKS she is “as hot as any girl 10 years younger than her”. Personally, I am not seeing it, but then again, her being the mother of my nieces makes her family to an extent, so it’s difficult to see her as attractive. But, even still, she is not as hot as she thinks she is, and she definitely can not compete with girls in their 20’s who have never been married and don’t have any children. The problem is, (for reasons that are beyond me) too many men are currently drooling over her, and thus her ego is off the charts. I chalk that up to there being a REAL lack of people to date in the area we live in. I really can’t imagine what these men are thinking.She does not offer anything meaningful outside of sex. Well, maybe I just answered my own question, LOL. Anyway, I will be glad when she gets closer to 40, and what looks she has managed to retain from her youth will HOPEFULLY have faded by then and her ego will fade with it. Nothing gets old faster than someone whose ego has been built up.
wow, that really is a crazy story! Doesn’t she understand that marriage equals monogamy? if not that, what’s the point??
Call me Billy Mack
Bottom line here. Rushing into a second marriage is insane. As others on here have stated, there is NO WAY you can adequately heal from a divorce AND roll right into a second marriage and expect that there won’t be any problems. There will be problems. BIG ONES! And why? Well, very simply because you are still reeling from the implosion of your first marriage. The very first thing that goes wrong will send you right back into the mode you were in when your first marriage ended. Your new spouse will have ZERO margin for error in your eyes, thanks to your previous one. That is how you will feel, whether admit it or not.
very very smart comment. insightful and real.
No matter how you look at it, anyone who marries someone who is divorced is inheriting a bad situation, right from the start. Otherwise, the person they are marrying would never have divorced their previous spouse. If there are kids involved, then you inherit that person’s ex, not to mention, other problems. Nobody thinks about this, but the problems that caused that person’s first marriage to fail are still there. Even if there are not kids involved, you are still walking into a less than ideal situation. The pressure is on the new spouse. They have no room to screw up, and most likely, they will not be getting the same number of years that their predecessor got.
What a dark way to look at second marriage. I completely disagree and think that although the vast majority of second marriages fail, the reason isn’t because the people got divorced in the first place. It’s because the second marriage situation was either rushed, and/or not thought out. I think divorced people are beautiful in the sense that they have suffered and are trying to become stronger, better individuals. Do they inherit the problems of thier new husband/wife and his or her ex? sure. But many divorced people view second marriage as a chance at true happiness. Although nothing is a fairytale, and it certainly comes with baggage, people just want to be happy and they want companionship and a partner who cares for them and loves them. What’s so bad about that? The expectations just have to be real, and the divorced people have to be self-aware and try to do better this time.
Yes, that ,may seem dark, but it comes from the fact that EVERY second marriage I have ever seen has failed and it has failed faster than the first one did. I can tell you some stories from several different second marriages that would leave you aghast. Sure, everybody that goes into a second marriage wants that love and companionship that their first marriage did not provide. As I say, had their first marriage given them that, then they would not be in a second marriage. i can certainly understand and appreciate that. However, nobody goes into it expecting failure. Yet, that is where most end up, sadly. I heard one woman who rushed into a second marriage say “oh my gosh, he was the sweetest man in the world at first, then the monster came out”. That was someone who had divorced her previous husband because he had “gotten comfortable” and did less and less as time went on. He quit doing anything at all around the house and quit showing his wife any affection. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her. He had just gotten lazy in every aspect. So, she meets a new man who she moves in with him while she is still married. After about 8 months of living with him, (while still married to her first husband), the first husband makes her go file for divorce. She does, and when the divorce is final, she immediately, marries the guy she had been living with. Three months after they get married, the “monster came out” as she said, and he beat her to the point of hospitalization. As she laid in the hospital bed, she lamented that she should have just held on to her lazy first husband. And that is just one story.
While that is a very very tragic story, all the red flags were there. Had she done things right–not cheated, not rushed into the marriage, not moved in with the guy so fast, she might have found out about the monster before it got really bad. I”m not judging her, I’m just saying that done right, second marriage can work beautifully. Unfortunately most people rush into it before they really know the person. It’s understandable because they think they are madly in love at the beginning.
What this person said may be dark but it’s absolutely right. I am currently watching this happen with my ex wife who ended our marriage 2 years ago – and then met someone, moved them in, rushed to marriage with them, and it didn’t even last 6 months. She was afraid to be alone but is this really better? No lessons learned from why our marriage crumbled (we were married for 20 years). I am dating but not living with that person…not engaged…not anything until I finish my own healing process. I will likely never marry again because I don’t want to go through that again. I know people like to think optimistically and hey for some these scenarios might work out. But statistics are against you and most do not, so…each case is different.
I was married for 33 years, and have 6 kids. My x decided he wanted out and was very cunning as he got everything and doesnt pay child support or alimony. He tricked me so badly into thinking we were getting back together that I didn’t fight for anything, just didn’t want contention, little did I know he was having affairs and married one of them only 3 months after he left me. He often tells everyone I threw it away and that I poisoned our kids, of course my kids are older and smart they make their own decisions. Anyway He flaunts his new marriage in front of my church and comes with her. I sometimes hope and wish that it will blow up on them. The amount pain they have caused is sometimes so unbearable. I am slowly healing. But life is so different that what I expected it to be at this stage in life.
Please know that I read your comment and I completely understand your pain. I will pray for you that you will begin to heal and find peace soon. Life being unexpected doesn’t have to mean it’s a bad thing. Really really great things can be in your future. Keep the faith and try not to focus on your ex and his new wife, but rather YOU and your future, and today, of course. xo
My ex did snowed me too. I was naive enough to buy it and still can’t get over it. Several big ticket hits came one after another and this was my One Too Many. Now I know; it was financial strategy, all of it. He said he’d never marry again so often I didn’t suspect anything like it. Sex? Sure. Affairs? Of course, when didn’t I suspect. But…marriage? He described his optimal solo existence time after nauseating time. Then he remarried…three weeks after the divorce was final.
I would never have given him leeway or let my emotions factor into any decision. I went through years (sorry, wish I could say months) of rumination, wishing I’d done better, couldn’t imagine holding another man’s hand. It tortured me that he could cut me off so absolutely.
And one day it fell into my lap, like a terrible gag gift. An Internet search led to a woman who–lo and behold–shared my exes new address and referred to him as…her ‘long time partner’. Excuse me? Our divorce wasn’t final when it was written, yet he was living with some ‘long time’ partner?! From what life??
I about swallowed my throat. Dumbfounded and heartbroken, the pieces started coming together. So much began to make sense; things he’d said, how he so easily discarded me, why he relentlessly bullied me into that settlement. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. I am in a much more difficult position to start over. For many reasons, each so ridiculously extreme I wouldn’t believe me if they hadn’t actually occurred to me.
I am eternally grateful I found out. If I went into detail you’d understand what a long shot that was. He kept absolutely everything essential from me and I stayed out of contact as best I could anyway, in an attempt to regain my life or maybe some dignity. But through a string of ludicrously bad luck and failing health I am only worse for the wear. And he’s remarried, he was with her the whole time. Never had a lonely night.
At least I can start the process of letting go. Finally. Why he wouldn’t give at least that much to me I’ll never know…power, cruelty, who knows. But that little piece of information is kind of vital to the process. Had I but known during those grueling proceedings…
He was all about image power and money and this chick serves him well. Even now I hesitate to write this–what if he sees it, what if she sees it… And the worst part? He wouldn’t care.
Sorry to be so maudlin! And thank you for letting me bellyache.
There isn’t a woman on this planet who thinks at one time or another in life, “How could I not have seen it?” I am included. But that’s OK. Also, dont think your ex-husband is blissful. He isn’t. How would you like to be that other woman, knowing that your boyfriend was still married and sneaking behind his wife’s back? How can that woman have respect for that? You are going to be just fine. Lonliness for a little while is OK. Just heal and try to enjoy something every day. Before you know it, time will go by and you will be really happy again, and realize what a hard time this was but that you got through it. Lastly, don’t give up on love. There are really good men out there who want to be monogamous. You deserve to be loved, this time by a good, good man who isn’t a cheat.
I posted a reply almost two years ago when my ex husband was over the moon about his new relationship and was moving full steam ahead with her. They moved in together after 7 months and two break ups. They got engaged 4 months after that. They bought a house together 4 months after that. He then proceeded to kick her out one month after buying the house. He called off the wedding 3 months before the wedding date. Fast forward to today… they ended up getting married and have been married two months and he’s miserable. She has a luke warm relationship at best with my daughters (it’s been that way since day one) and my daughters are a constant source of argument between them (also since day one) He has told me he doesn’t know why he went through with the wedding and is now contemplating divorce. I think he moved faster than was good for him but that’s just my opinion. I just mostly feel bad for my girls.
There must be some feeling of validation for you, right? That said, are you sad for your husband? or do you want to say “I told you so?” YOur ex didn’t move too fast, with 3+ break ups, this is the wrong person for him. Period. But he married her anyway. I don’t really understand the judgment. Especially when your kids are involved. The thing is, your only concern should be your kids. You are providing them stability. You are their rock. They will now have to deal with your ex’s divorce. That is very sad for them. So, just keep being a great mom and be there for them. As for your ex, some people might disagree, but I think if he needs a friend, it’s not a bad thing if you are there for him. It will actually be beneficial for your kids in a way. (i think.)
I agree with you that this probably wasn’t the right person for him. Oddly enough despite the fact that he put himself in this position, I do feel bad for him. He deserves to be happy. He has shared many of his marital struggles with me and I try and just be a listening ear for him. It’s tough watching my girls be stressed out about the fact they may have to move to another home if they do in fact divorce, but I just keep reminding them that I’m always here for them.
Ajit Padmakar Pradhan
The article and comments are real life situations.
Remarrying with kids on hand is a very sensitive issue. Remarriage should be approved by yhe kids along with your own feelings. A disaster is second marriage hurts the childrens more than you yourself. Adjusting to it and convincing children is more drainful than anything.
Before commiting to second marriage it is also essential to know how much the families are involved emotionally. Are they dependant on individual to support them or will it be in the future. This may put additional stress on you when making family adjustments.
In second marriage financial support and utilization should also have a clarity.
Not least but important .. take time and be sure if u really want to marry or take immense pleasure in bringing up your own children. Secod marriages are very sensitive issues.
Ajit Padmakar Pradhan
I posted this expressing my real time experience. I was married for 16 yrs living in US well established with the family. Ex wife got involved with a man 10 yr. youngrr to her (she being 36 then).
It was a disastorous situation for me. Not realizing my love and commitment to my daughters, I left them in search of settling down in other city.. could not manage so came bac to native country… this was another shock ..
Got married after three yrs. after divorce… but not aftrr 20+ yrs. of second marriage i feel strongly thay that i should have stayed single and devoted my life for my daughters.. that would have brought me happiness.
God bless my daughters are doing well and love me in all the situations. They both were brought up with care and love by both of us.
Second marriage issues, in a different culture, emotional atachment, guilt of not having been with my daughters during their growing years keep haunting in second marriages.
Second mrriage was rushed in ..the emotions, wife’s attachment to her family.. her children (two children from her first marriage) and her commitments are diffetent .. realised it too late. She is a good lady but our wavelength do not match…
Concluding : Take time , see a bigger picture, be truthful to yourself, your children, and go for it with heart to heart commitment sorting out values of life and commercial commitments that may arise and beleive it they will arise.
This article gives in depth feelings and experiences of many including owner of this blog.
Ajit Padmakar Pradhan
Yes.. learn most of everything about her first marriage… her involvements after first marriage…
Focus on why she wants to get remarried… purpose goals … if any children from first marriage … take extra time to see how they like you and how adjusting they are… to accept you as their father.
So in brief take time before committing … do not rush and don’t fall into rush.
It is very important to get your wavelengths and desires to match to make it a successful attempt.
Got to know these important points from this website… thanks.
My ex-wife and I recently divorced after over 9 years of marriage. We have 2 daughters together. We decided to file jointly so that there would be no lawyer fees and because we were agreeing to joint custody of our girls. Prior to the actual filing of the divorce, I found out that she was having an affair. Before I found that out, she had been telling me that she just wanted to be alone. Turns out that was a lie. She continued to see this person while I still lived in the house, flaunting the relationship even though she agreed to not talk to him on the phone in front of me. I moved out at the end of January, 2017. We went to court on 2/21/2017 to have our case heard and to be granted the divorce. The divorce decree came about a week later. On 3/18/2017 I found out that she had married him. 3 weeks is all it took for her. She didn’t forewarn me, and she hasn’t told the girls. That tells me that she isn’t ready for this. She is so blinded by being in love that she is only thinking about her immediate gratification. I tried dating someone, but quickly realized that I need a lot more time to deal with the divorce and to focus on being a father to my girls before diving into a relationship. I feel bad for my ex as someday it is all going to come crumbling down around her, and her daughters are going to resent her for the decisions that she has made.
I am so sorry. You are right about all of this. Your ex is going to wake up one day and regret her actions. (if she doesn’t already.) I believe it takes 2 years to get out of that “everything is perfect” stage. Also, the fact that she didn’t tell your girls about the marriage is very very selfish and immature. So sad. All you can do is be the best dad you know how and be there for them. Your life is going to turn out great. I know it. xo
I’m guessing this comment will go ignored, but I’ll post it anyway.
I have been with my current girlfriend for 9 months. We are both divorced from 10+ years of marriage, we are in our 40’s, we each have children at home and separate homes. I live 30 minutes across town and our work schedules are conflicting to get together, as well as the responsibility of parenting. We see each other generally on weekends and sometimes a few extra days out of the week.
We had been friends for a few years before we started dating. I was single for a year and a half, from a 5+ year relationship, and she was single for 3 months from an ‘on again, off again’ 3 year relationship.
After we had been dating 6 months, she was pushing marriage. Saying she doesn’t want to be single and 50, or have to go through the dating game. Of course, this made me feel like she’s just settling for me, because I’m nice looking, have a job, and we’ll…I’ll do.
I want to take this relationship slow and absolutely know we are right for each other. She told me she loved me right at the beginning of our relationship, which concerned me.
So…Here we are, 9 months in, and she’s talking about “evaluating” where she is in life, mentioning that she doesn’t like the long distant relationship or seeing each other just on the weekend. At this point, with us both having children in different schools, living in different homes, is taking this relationship slow wrong? I love her dearly, but I’m really wondering if she’s just needing to be with someone? Anyone. She’s mentioned she doesn’t like to be alone, and I have no problem with it. I don’t want to break up, because we have a lot of fun together and get along wonderfully. But, if we broke up, I have a feeling that she’d be in another relationship within 6 months.
So, if anyone is reading this…Do you have any advice? Am I being unreasonable by moving slow? Again, we’ve only been dating for 9 months. I kind of feel like she’s just settling for me, even though she adores me to no end.
I’m just not sure what to do or think about her pressing to get married.
First of all, no comments on here get ignored! 🙂 I am going to give you my honest advice. I see some red flags here. Big time. It sounds like you two have a great relationship! You see each other on weekends and during the week. that is more than most divorced couples dating see each other. And, they are all fine with that. When you have kids and jobs, you kind of have to take what you can get when it comes to seeing your girlfriend/boyfriend! Instead of rushing to marriage, why can’t this girl just enjoy YOU, enjoy what the two of you have? Here is where I truly have issues with this woman: if she is saying she doesn’t want to be single and 50, that is a very very very bad reason for wanting to get married. And yes, I can see how that makes you feel like she is just settling (although I don’t think that’s the case.) I think this girl has convinced herself that you are the one and she wants that fairytale ending really really badly. I get that. I really do. I’m single and 51 and I am in a relationship that is the same as you guys, but the difference is, I’m fine with the way things are. I always tell him, “I don’t care about marriage. I just want you.” And that comes from the bottom of my heart. Could she say that? Don’t you deserve someone who would say that to you? and 9 months is a really short time to be dating someone and then getting engaged after marriage! Please be careful and don’t marry her just so she won’t break up with you. Have confidence in yourself and in your ability to be happy with or without her. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much! Your advice is exactly what I’ve been thinking. It is good to hear it from a neutral party.
You’re right, I think she has convinced herself that I’m the one, and she does want that fairytale ending. That doesn’t bother so much as having to question if she really wants me. We do have a great relationship, and she is a confident woman, but I think she has some issues of neediness when it comes to marriage. She’s mentioned that the thought of being in the same routine, and not being married within in 2 years, is upsetting to her.
I will talk to her about this. Don’t worry, I have learned from my last relationship how to be confident in myself. I have no problem being by myself. It would be nice, however, to build a stronger relationship with her, without it having a marriage deadline attached to it.
Thank you so very much for giving me a reply. This is just what I needed. I am very grateful and appreciative.
It’s my pleasure. I ended up writing a whole blog post on it 🙂 Best wishes. I know you will do the right thing. As for her, she needs to learn independence and how to be happy being alone. What many divorced people don’t realize is, you get to have all these different dynamics going on and it’s a great balance. You have time alone, time with just your kids, time with your boyfriend/girlfriend without the kids, and then time as families together (if you have blended.) It’s kind of a good mix and you (or I should say she) should enjoy all of it!
SO I have been divorced for 1 years after a 35 year marriage. He wanted out long ago and I tired to hang on and ‘make it work’ huge mistake! I filed for divorce after her sodomized me on Valentine’s night! I regret walking filing, I regret not just putting up with everything! My kids (34, 31, 290 have NOTHING to do with me! They are angry Dad didn’t get ‘everything’ and to be truthful, I did not handle my emotions well during the divorce! I was and am an emotional mess!
My ex moved on quickly! Once he moved out I never saw him again unless we were in court! His girlfriend moved in 3 months after the divorce and they got engage on Valentines Day 7 months after the divorce!
I am so heart broken I can barely function! I don’t think I will ever date! I can’t picture even holding another man’s hand.. pretty pathetic!
I haven’t gotten to see my grandbabies in 19 months! I practically raised the first one! It breaks my heart! I wonder daily why I go on!
I hope my ex and his girlfriend treat my kids and grandkids well.. I wish someone missed me… loved me…guess I was a lousy wife and mom like he said!
Stupid, fat , ugly, dumb…… the list goes on!
You weren’t a lousy wife, he was a lousy husband. What type of “man” calls his wife stupid, fat, ugly, dumb, and so forth? You just focus on you. Nevermind about everyone else. They weren’t in your shoes. Not everyone knows what goes on behind closed doors. Blessings to you.
I am man struggling with the divorce from his second wife. I found out she got married October 1 which is one month after we got divorced and prior to that a week after our divorce she told me she was getting married in two weeks. How do you process that!
That is so painful. I am very sorry you are going through this. More to come in a blog post or on my podcast! xo
I know a guy (my ex btw) and he’s just got remarried after 21 years of being married. First time he got hitched he knew his wife about 2 months before getting wed. She was pregnant btw. The second time he got married was less than 10 months after moving out of the family home after his first marriage broke down. The ink wasn’t even dry on the paperwork.
At the time of writing… I can’t say if marriage two will work out. It might … who knows … although I’m personally giving it no more than a couple of years before he admits he made a mistake and gets divorced again.
How does that make you feel? Maybe mixed feelings? One side is validating that he has some issues, the other sad for him?
I think it all depends on the relationship and the people. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in a relationship. If you’re over it youre over it and ready to move on even if it was in a few months after a 7 yr relationship but married only for 1.5yrs. That’s the situation with my partner. As for me I have been able to move on quick after a relationship. Reason why is because I tell myself life it too short to be sad or miserable from someone dumping you. So in both our situations if we weren’t happy in our relationships we ended up finding each other in a matter of months after and have only been dating less than a year. We can honestly say we’re both very happy and see ourselves growing old together.
My sister met her husband when he was engaged to someone else. He broke it off with the other girl. Started dating my sister, 6 months later they were engaged, now married. They recently celebrated their 19th year wedding anniversary and have 3 beautiful kids.
Again, it depends on the relationship and people. Some people were just not meant to be and ended up staying together for years just because. But love doesn’t have a time frame or wait time. It just happens
Really…. just don’t. That’s my best advice.
I enjoyed reading your article. Stumbled upon it while researching how long second marriages last. I see my ex is not the only crazy one. I discovered his long-time affair and filed for a divorce in January after 18 years of marriage. I learned he got engaged that same month. Our divorce was finalized 7 months later and he married his mistress 2 months after that! He’s now moving in with her.
The worst part, we have a young child. I worry about what this will do to her especially when she’s still adjusting to the changes and now will be moving to the other woman’s house for overnight visitations. I worry about my daughter going through another divorce. He gave himself and our daughter little time to adjust. His justification is that our daughter will benefit from seeing two people so in love. Make me gag. I can’t imagine this lasting very long. I DON’T understand the rush other than for financial reasons.
I completely agree. Why do people just rush into it??? It’s unbelievable to me. That said, I am a romantic at heart and I could see people just feeling so in love (even though they barely know the person) that they want to dive in and prove to themselves and everyone else that they got a happy ending. They then wake up a year later and say “WTF do I do?” Your daughter will be fine. You just keep loving her and talking to her and being her role model. I wish you all the best.
Interesting article. I was married for 32 years. I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I am now dating a guy who is divorced 13 months. He still has kids at home (not babies), but all the financial responsibility is on him. He is a great guy and I really think this is the one, but after reading your article, he is only 13 months divorced, I don’t want to end up like the people you were talking about.
I am never married woman with no kids.
I have 4 brothers and 1 sister.
3 brothers divorced. 1 remarried with 2 adult children (ex is very recently deceased) 2nd getting remarried next month after 5 years divorced (1 adult child).
My parents were also divorced after 17 years marriage (6 children).
From what I have seen and experienced the people who suffer the most from divorce and remarriage are the offspring, whether they are adults or young children.
My adult brothers can make whatever decision they like. Thier offspring have/had no say in the matter.
I hope my brothers are happy. They messed up thier first marriages. Not my problem and it does not affect me. I wish them well but my most continued support goes to their adult children who would probably been a lot happier if their parents never divorced.
The timeframe in this never really matters to the kids unless the spouse was deceased (the remarried parent is a a widow/widower at the time of remarriage).
Lived through it myself as a child of divorce. Kids really don’t care about your second happy marriage as long as they are not disinherited by your new spouse.
This is a frequent scenario and the well wishers for “second time around” on this site don’t seem to mention the ongoing relationship the divorce has (or does not have) with the offspring from first marriage.
Basically most kids hate it when their parents get divorced unless their is physical bodily harm or something of that nature that makes them relieved that the offending parent is gone.
My mother asked me many times “aren’t you glad I got divorced?”
My answer is NO. Both my parents were, in reality, more concerned with their own happiness than that of their children. That is the case to this day.
Speaking from firsthand experience here. Second marriage matters most to the children of the first marriage. I support my siblings in doing right by my nieces and nephews. That is my primary concern, whether my siblings remarry or not.
I don’t see that in the discussion here very much. Their seems to be a huge vacuum in the concern about the family unit as a whole, the future of the heirs, etc.
Don’t care what my sublings do as long as my nieces and nephews are okay, which, from what I can see, is in spite of the divorce, not because of it.
Remarriage? Only kids from previous marriage are effected by this – they always are. I don’t really care who my siblings are
My parents divorced 40 plus years. Always cared more about their own happiness than that of their 6 children. That is the story they wrote. Still true today of most
divorced parents with children. Take a
wedding vow and get divorced- you move on. Your kids? Dragged into it until the day you drop dead.
This article is old but I just wanted to comment. My divorce with be finalized this Friday and I found out my soon to be ex husband is getting remarried to the girl he cheated on me with the week after. It’s ridicu and painful. We’ve been separated for ten months and this will be his third wife at 33.
I’m so sorry to hear this. That is very very painful. I left my husband, but he was the first to take off the ring and before we even split our assets he asked me when i was going to change my fb status and/or what was appropriate…because you know the millennial generation apparently cares most about that *sarcasm*. It was clear we were done long before we realized it even. I wish you a strong healing journey from here..you’ll be better off. sending love.
I was with my first wife for 9 years, had two wonderful sons together, but the relationship was always rocky with a lot of fights due to the situation we were both in back then. I respected her a lot, still do, but we had too many problems outside of the relationship and took it out on each other.
When we got divorced, it crushed my self esteem, as my own parents had divorced when I was younger and I didn’t want to go down the same route. In hindsight I was in a rush to ‘fix’ the situation emotionally by finding another wife to replace the first. Mainly so I didn’t have to deal with being divorced. My second wife and I started dating within a year of the divorce being finalised and got engaged in the second year. In some ways it was worse because:
a) I hadn’t really dealt with the first divorce, was drawn in by the emotional intensity of a new relationship and used that as a way to avoid having to really deal with anything. I just wanted to be with SOMEONE rather than the RIGHT SOMEONE.
b) because we didn’t have the huge fights that I had with my ex (since she had a more passive personality), I ignored any red flags that we were incompatible and brushed any issues under the carpet. I wanted the new marriage to be perfect, since the first one had failed, so I refused to acknowledge the fact that I wasn’t actually in love with her and was just in love with the idea of being in love.
Once the honeymoon period was over, it became increasingly obvious that she wasn’t my type at all (despite being a nice enough woman). I had none of the respect for her that I felt towards my first wife and didn’t like the fact that she was emotionally clingy and less independant. I guess being married again allowed me the breathing space to finally recover from the first marriage and view things objectively, but that also meant that I grew more aware of the fact that I really wanted to be with someone like my first wife (who was now engaged by this point).
I tried very hard to ignore that realisation for another year and did my best to make it work with my second wife. But I would see my first wife every so often (since we shared custody of our sons) and although I no longer wanted to be with her specifically, it was a reminder of how much I loved that type of personality.
My second marriage lasted only another year before things began to fall apart. It was a lot quicker the second time around, as I knew the process and hated the thought of dragging things out again. I felt terrible for my second wife, although she found someone else quickly after and I think she’d realised it wasn’t working almost as soon as I had.
I’m now with another woman who is much like my first wife and we are both very happy. Neither of us are in a rush to marry, even after five years together, but we are very devoted to each other and will (hopefully) spend the rest of our lives in what is marriage in everything but name. I don’t care whether it involves a legally binding contract or not. She is very independant, strong and doesn’t NEED a husband, which I really admire. She is absolutely perfect for me and I can’t imagine being with anyone else now. I wish I had met her back when I was 25 rather than waiting until my 40s to find her, but I had to go through the first two marriages to realise what I really wanted in a partner and in life.
I have known several people who have divorced and the ones who remarried seemed to do much better with their third husband/wife (if they remarried at all) since the second was generally a rebound. Although I would also say this works for relationships too. Some of my remarried friends had a long, serious rebound relationship between their first and second marriage and that worked the same way.
You keep repeating that you’re not judging anyone for remarrying quickly or getting involved shortly after separation…yet…your whole article is a judgement.
You might be right. I am pretty conflicted on the subject, but honestly, I do think every situation is different. I just see a lot of people who get married really quickly after divorce and they end up divorced again. Countless people. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental. It’s just a sad fact. That said, I apologize if I appear judgmental.
Pacific Northwest Guy
Oh God, I need some advice. Totally expect flaming comments. But I’m desperate for some totally independent outsider insight. What the F should I do?
I was married for 21 years, mostly great, 3 kids. I filed for divorce because she’s been in a lesbian relationship for two years. While divorce is pending, I met a woman (with four kids) who’s husband left after secretly living a gay lifestyle. She’s been officially divorced 8 months.
Trauma, divorce, and some other things in common, we hit it off. Then it gets crazy messy. We got “married” in her backyard with a few family and friends, 8 months after I filed for divorce. She asked me, I reluctantly agreed. Only I’m not technically divorced yet, pending a judges signature. Family and friends all think I am.
Stupid, so effing stupid, I know.
I move in to her place with my kids. It’s Lord of the Flies, lots of kid meltdowns, parenting-style challenges, my kids are mad, her kids are mad. A month later I move out with my kids.
Now I think I’ve made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Shes’ a wonderful woman, and we do have a lot in common. But this was not the right thing to do. Too fast, too soon.
She seems totally committed to making it work, but I’m just not. Attempting to blend families for just a month was way harder and more stressful than I thought. Have yet to really deal with and process wife of 21 years leaving for a lesbian relationship. Need to figure out what I want my life to look like.
This filled a void, but it was not the right thing to do. And I knew it from the very beginning. I knew it on the fake wedding day, and the day after that….Felt pretty good to have someone love and care about me. But this was not the right thing to do.
What I need to tell her is something like: I thought this would work. I thought this was a good idea. But it’s not for me. Technically, we’re not even married. I know that’s probably super hurtful, but I’m being totally honest. I should have never agreed to get “married” and let everyone think it was legit, when it isn’t, and my divorce isn’t even finalized.
Any advice? What would you do?
Wow. OK, let’s break this down. First of all, you are going to be OK and so are your kids. DO NOT beat yourself up about this. You were traumatized by your wife’s affair and you craved love and a happily ever after. I kind of can’t believe none of your friends or family tried to talk you out of it, but that’s besides the point. So, you get married (I’m assuming it isn’t legal) so that’s great. No financial headaches, right? That’s a good thing! You can walk away pretty easily in that regard. I think what you need to do is have a sit down with your kids and apologize. Tell them how you felt and that you know it was a bad idea but you weren’t thinking clearly, etc. etc. They will forgive you. 🙂 As far as the woman, I think you guys could still be together. Why can’t you just date and live separately? Unless this turned you off so much that you are done? Whatever you decide, all is going to be OK. But what you could really use is a good therapist to deal with the trauma of your wife leaving you. You are very much not over that (understandably so.) Face it and grieve it before you get involved romantically again. Hope that helps. xoxo