He Might Not Love You Anymore, But Do You Love Yourself?

do you love yourself

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

Do you love yourself? He might not love you anymore. You might not love him anymore. The love is gone. But where is the love for yourself? During and after a divorce, that really  really matters. Let me explain.


I asked this question in the Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook group:


What is something you’ve done that says “I love you” to yourself?


Why did I ask it? Because I was curious to hear the responses, to know how much self-love was going on with a group of women going through a divorce. Turns out, there was a lot!


“Said ‘no’ to everyone and everything that doesn’t work for me.”


“Buy myself jewelry.”


“Got a very meaningful tatoo.”


“Stopped drinking.”


“Slowing removing all negativity out of my life. Includes work, family, friends. Hard, but helpful.”


“I woke up one morning and decided to go skydiving. I had a wonderful time.”


“I love ice-cream so now I buy the premium brand!”


“Hiking and backpacking and mountain biking every week.”


“Open the curtains, let the sun in. Put on music while doing housework. Flowers for myself. Sit outside and listen to the birds. I also got laser hair removal under my arms. Put on a good perfume.”


“Yoga retreats solo in an unfamiliar place. The retreat forces me to challenge myself physically and emotionally in a safe, healthy, judgement free zone.”


“I let my obligations of my past go. It was killing me.”

“Flowers, candles, mellow music and making time to rest.”


“Go on vacation without the kids.”


“I say I love you in the mirror when I remember, journaling can be nice, so can snuggling up and doing nothing but I’m not there yet.”


I loved all of these responses because all of these women, in one way or another are showing that they love themselves.


As for me, I answered, “I bought myself a Keurig machine.” Why? Because lately I’ve felt really really stressed financially, and I have been beating myself up for making a couple mistakes that led me here. I have been talking about getting a Keurig machine for a long time, and have been feeling too guilty because I was mad at myself. A couple days ago, I finally thought, “Forgive yourself and show yourself you forgive yourself by buying the damn thing! It was $149 dollars! Do I really not like myself that much, that I can’t spend $149?!  For the past two days, I have loved my coffee experience. It was totally worth it.


New book from Dr. Mort Orman


Here’s the thing. When someone is unhappily married for a long time—maybe months or even years, I think they forget to love themselves because they are so caught up in the many emotions that counter self-love. Maybe the person feels guilty for wanting to leave, maybe the person’s spouse cheated and now they think it was their fault, like they aren’t good enough. Maybe the couple has been arguing and there’s so much toxicity in the home that there’s no love—not even self-love because no one likes themself around that angry, bitter environment, right?


I cannot stress enough how important it is to love yourself during and after divorce. Self-love leads to:


  • Making better decisions in regards to hiring good divorce professionals and getting the best possible divorce outcome.
  • Being a better parent.
  • Having an easier time spending time alone (when your kids are with your ex.)
  • Performing better at work.
  • Having better relationships with family and friends.
  • Being physically healthier.
  • Figuring out your passion and what you want to do moving forward and what you want your life to look like.


Maci Chance, Denver realtor


How do you get to loving yourself?


1. Forgive yourself.


Everyone is human. We all make mistakes. Instead of saying, “I’m so stupid!” “How could I have stayed in this marriage for so long?” “Why did I cheat?” “Why did I turn the other way when I knew he was cheating?” “Why am I such an idiot?” Say, I’m a good person who made a mistake and learned and now I am forgiving myself and moving on.


2. Do good things.


I know that when I screw up, the best way to find self-love again is to do things for others. That might mean making a financial donation or volunteering somewhere or helping someone get a job or visiting someone who is sick or elderly or just engaging in a random act of kindness. It makes a person feel productive and like they are contributing to the good of the world. That is the best, best path to loving yourself.


Lisa Lisser, Divorce and Spiritual Coach, LZL Coaching


3. Express gratitude.


I want you to try something for the next two weeks: Every time you have a negative thought about yourself, immediately tell yourself you are shifting to something and/or people you are thankful for. Example: “I can’t believe I stayed home for 10 years and now I have to look for a job. Who is going to want to hire a housewife?” Say to yourself: “I had a great career before marriage and I am still smart and capable of finding and keeping a good job.” Or, “I am really strong and smart and healthy and I have so much to offer, and I am grateful for that.” Another example: “I hate when the kids leave to go to his house. I did this. I caused this divorce and living situation.” Instead say “I am so appreciative of the time I get to spend with the kids, and I know in the long run, this is better than their parents living in a toxic situation.”


4. Take care of your body and mind.


If you love yourself, you will eat foods that nourish your body properly. I’m not saying you have to eat salad and a bowl of vegetables every night for dinner. But just think when planning your meals: what is going to nourish me and at the same time fulfil my tastebuds? Also, yoga, walking, weight lifting…it all plays a part in self-love. I know myself, that when I find time to do something to exercise my body, I feel better emotionally. I feel productive, I sleep better, and I have a better, more calm attitude. Love yourself enough to take care of your physical side and your mental state will benefit from it, too.


Birt Family Law - Restorative Divorce


5. Treat yourself like you would treat the love of your life.


Remember when you were first with your ex husband (or wife) and two of you couldn’t get enough of each other? You bought him little gifts, wrote each other love notes on post-its, hugged and kissed a lot, looked at each other with love in your eyes, did thoughtful things for each other-like making dinner for him or he got your car washed or gave you a backrub?


You can and should do all of these things for yourself. Buy yourself things you want, when you feel a lack of self-love, write down a list of all of your good qualities, look in the mirror and tell yourself “I love you,” make dinner for yourself, go get your car washed, and go get a massage if you want it.


When you treat yourself with love and respect, you are a better parent, a better friend, a better worker, and a better person because you are more self-confident, and you are happier. Perhaps the best way to love yourself is to be PROUD of who you are and how you live your life. You’re amazing! People probably tell you that all the time, but you’re the one who has to believe it. And, if you aren’t proud of certain things in your life, the beautiful thing is, you can change it! It’s never too late to make tweaks and changes in your life to lead you to a happier, more self-loving mindset.

Lastly, I believe that self-love leads to romantic love. Love yourself first and then he will love you—I’m talking about the future love of your life. So, do you love yourself?

Like this article? Check out, “You’re One Beautiful Divorced Girl! 15 Self-Confidence Boosters”

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    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at: DivorcedGirlSmiling.com

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