Anyone going through a divorce will tell you your life becomes a rollercoaster for awhile. At the beginning, when you are newly separated, most days seem like the sky is falling. Between worrying about the kids, attorney’s fees, financial concerns, and your majorly strained relationship with your ex, it’s hard to believe you’re going to be OK.
As time passes, days that seem hopeless become less and less frequent, and more and more good days start coming. A sense of calm and rationalization enter your core, not to mention the newfound strength that comes from consistently dealing with adversity. Realizing you are coping and actually thriving is empowering and liberating. In other words, it feels really, really good.
One thing I regret while going through a divorce was all the time I spent worrying and getting myself worked up over little stuff. I wish someone would have taken the time to look me in the eyes and say, “Don’t worry about it. What you are upset about right now isn’t going to matter in 5 years, or even in one year, one month or honestly, 15 minutes.”
A friend of mine recently forwarded me the article, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck,” by author and blogger, Mark Manson. Smiling, laughing but reflecting throughout, I loved the whole thing, including these takeaways:
- Not giving a f*** about something doesn’t mean you’re not a caring person.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff.
- The older you get, the less you care about stupid stuff and it makes you a happier person.
Inspired by Manson, (and using the F word, which I typically don’t do on this site, but trying to stay in the vein of Manson) here are 21 things you shouldn’t give a fuck about in your divorce:
1. Some woman who you barely know calls and says, “I heard you’re getting divorced. What happened?”
2. You run into your ex’s friend or family member who you thought cared about you and he/she is very cold and distant to you.
3. Your ex just started dating a woman you thought was your friend.
4. You had your first date with a guy and he never called you back.
5. Some girl you know told you that some other girl said to her, “Her ex is so adorable. She should really try to get back together with him. She’ll never do any better.
6. You look in the mirror and realize you need to lose 20 pounds.
7. Something that happens legally in your divorce upsets or angers your spouse, which was not your intention. He/she is really pissed at you.
8. You’re waiting outside at your kids’ school and you can sense other women whispering about you.
9. You interviewed for your old job (after taking 10 years to be a stay-at-home mom) and they promptly sent you a rejection letter. You never even got a second interview.
10. Your ex comes to pick up the kids and won’t even look at you.
11. Your monthly attorney bill shows up and it’s double what you thought it was going to be.
12. You can’t figure out what the hell you’re supposed to do professionally now, and you wonder why you ever decided to be a stay-at-home mom.
13. Your kids tell you they met dad’s girlfriend and that’s she’s pretty and nice.
14. It’s your birthday and your ex doesn’t even say happy birthday.
15. Your ex’s attorney is extremely rude to you.
16. You get home from a date you met on a dating website and you have the creeps.
17. You spent 45 minutes in line at Kinko’s waiting to FedEx something to your attorney.
18. You’re out to dinner with your girlfriend and you see your ex on a date.
19. Your attorneys have your story, and your ex’s attorneys have his. His story and your story don’t match because his is fiction to you and yours is fiction to him.
20. You keep thinking about the past and saying what if…. It is depressing and it angers you.
21. You keep thinking about the future and saying what if… It is depressing and it angers you.
Here’s the thing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care about these things. Some of them can give you cause for valid concern, especially when it comes to kids and finances. But, does it help to get yourself all worked up or cry because some bitch in your neighborhood thinks your ex is a better catch than you? No way.
My way of saying “you shouldn’t give a fuck” while going through a divorce is simply to say that it’s OK to care, to be upset or to get angry about these things, but that you shouldn’t spend more than a few seconds before letting these worries roll off of you like rain on a plastic raincoat.
Worrying doesn’t do any good because it doesn’t take the problem away. Fear is something that will paralyze you, and anger can be toxic. Instead, take a deep breath and focus on something good.
Maybe you feel broke, but you just tucked your three beautiful healthy children into bed and now you’re watching them sleep. Maybe you feel lonely, but someone called you today and asked if you wanted to be set up, giving you hope of a potential romance. Or maybe you looked in the mirror and realized you’re kind of old, but you just had your yearly physical and got a clean bill of health. The positives are the things you should really give a fuck about, because they are what really matters, and what will make your life a happy one.