Sex after divorce is a scary thought for a lot of people. Think about it. You have slept in the same bed with the same man for what? 10 years? 20 years? 30 years? Now you are separated or divorced. Inevitably, you are going to start dating, and you are going to meet someone you like, and well, eventually, if things continue to go well, you are going to take your clothes off. I can tell you first hand how terrifying that is to newly separated or divorced people.
The first time you have sex after divorce can be traumatizing, scary, sad, or strange. The flip side: it can also be exciting, fun, heart stoppingly great, or over-the-top, out of the ballpark amazing.
When it comes to sex after divorce, here are three reasons why people are scared to get naked:
1. People (mostly women) are beyond self consciousness about their bodies. Okay, so your marriage wasn’t working, but at least when you had sex with your husband, it was comfortable. He knew what you looked like naked, and he still wanted to have sex with you. Or, maybe he didn’t, which makes this aspect so much worse. I am constantly amazed at how hard women are on themselves when it comes to their bodies. They are so critical, and they look in the mirror and they hate what they see.
My advice is two things: First, just eat healthy, work out and appreciate that you are in good health. Half of feeling fat is mental. So, if you start eating like a thin person, you will feel like one, and then you will eventually become one. Secondly, I’ve said this before. Just be yourself. Think, ‘This is who I am. You either like me or you don’t.’ That self assurance you exude goes a long, long way. On a side note, I read in a magazine once that men see women 10 pounds thinner than women see themselves. LOL! So, see? You just lost 10 pounds!!
2. A lot of women get emotional and cry. You just had sex with another man, and in your mind, you broke your wedding vow (even though you are getting divorced and maybe it wasn’t even your choice.) Still, you beat yourself up and you just ruined the whole experience because you are feeling guilty, like this is wrong. Please don’t ruin it for yourself! Let yourself enjoy it. The last few months (or years) ofyour marriage were probably terrible, and you probably didn’t feel sexy or wanted for a long, long time. So, let someone make you feel that way.
3. Vulnerability is really scary after a divorce. I think both men and women start feeling more vulnerable after sex becomes part of the relationship. That’s really, really scary because you just got hurt by your divorce, and you could be setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Here’s what I think about vulnerability. I love love love it. Most people are afraid of it, but I say, try to see it as a good thing.
Vulnerability means you are trusting someone, and there’s no better feeling than knowing the other person is doing the same. It’s a connection. Let yourself be scared. If it ends, so what? You survived your divorce. You can handle this! With dating and sex comes possible disappointment, tears and maybe even more heartbreak. But if you never let yourself be vulnerable again, you have no chance in finding true love.
In closing, I have two additional things to say on the subject of sex after divorce. First, please use condoms. Think of the consequences that could occur if you don’t. You have kids now. You have a responsibility to smart about this.
Secondly, I want to share something about the first person you have sex with after divorce. When that relationship ends, don’t be surprised if it hurts worse than the divorce. It’s a hard one to get over, and I think it’s because the break up opens up all the raw wounds you felt when your relationship with your husband or wife ended. So, it’s not so much about the guy (or girl.) It’s more about the loss. Again. It’s very, very hard. Trust me. I know.
Here’s the thing. The first person you sleep with after marriage is an experience (and a person) you never forget, no matter how it turns out. Like so many other aspects of divorce, it’s just something you have to go through. But I’m not saying that in a bad way. It can truly be a lovely, sweet, special experience.