Divorced? Get Rid of the Guilt!


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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

Here is the definition of divorce, according to Webster’s: “The action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage.” Here is what I think should be the definition of divorce: “The action or instance of legally dissolving a marriage and then taking on as much guilt as you possibly can.”

I don’t know any divorced man or woman who doesn’t have guilt. AND, unless they are exhibiting unethical, immoral behavior, or doing something illegal, I don’t know why they feel guilty!

Here are the reasons divorced people might feel guilty:

  • They aren’t living with their kids anymore, so they are having nights without them.
  • They are secretly a little psyched when they get a night without their kids.
  • They are conflicted because they want to spend time with their new boyfriend or girlfriend.
  • They are just generally feeling happier not living in the house anymore-not because of the kids, but because of their soon to be ex spouse.
  • They have to miss a kid’s event because of work. (They wouldn’t have felt guilty if they were still married)
  • They feel guilty every time their child cries, even if it has nothing to do with the divorce (which in most cases it doesn’t.)
  • They feel guilty if the child asks for something and they don’t give it to them. (Saying “no” to a child becomes much more difficult and children of divorce sometimes end up really spoiled.)

 

Here’s my question. WHY are you punishing yourself?? Get rid of the guilt, please! It isn’t helping anything. It’s just making you feel worse.

I think it is truly okay to feel happy or excited when you get time alone without your kids. You felt that way when you were married, right? Alone time is good, and when the kids come back, you appreciate them more, and you are a better parent. (married or divorced.)

Secondly, if you find yourself infatuated or even in love with someone (hopefully not too soon after the divorce) but when you have that feeling that you can’t wait to see your new guy or girl again, enjoy it! Let yourself be happy. You deserve it after the months or years of unhappiness you probably had in your marriage.

And lastly, I think it’s very important to be the same parent that you were when you were married. Don’t change who you are, or go easier on the kids because of your own guilt. That won’t help. It will just cause them to become spoiled. Kids need discipline and structure. Give them that, and you can still be loving and caring and over the top affectionate.

Here are synonyms for “guilt:” Fault, responsibility, blame, culpability, shame.  Here is the definition of “guilt:” Awareness of wrongdoing, an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret.

How is this related at all to what you have done by getting divorced? IT ISN’T!! So, stop feeling guilty. You didn’t commit a crime by getting divorced. You did what you thought was best for you and your family. You are living your life. You are not a bad person for getting divorced!

All guilt does is make you feel bad about yourself. Plus, it can cause stress and anxiety, which can lead to physical symptoms, such as stomach issues, depression, etc.

The last thing I will say about guilt is, here are some reasons you SHOULD feel guilty as a divorced person:

  • If you are trashing your ex to your kids.
  • If you are making things difficult for your ex, regarding payments or scheduling changes, etc. (because that ultimately hurts the kids.)
  • If you are rude to your ex (or give him or her the silent treatment) in front of your kids.
  • If you send your ex texts and emails using foul language
  • If you fight with your ex in front of the kids.
  • If you are bringing multiple boyfriends (or girlfriends) around your kids.

and the biggest one:

7. If you are taking out your guilt on your ex spouse! I see this so often. A man or woman leaves their spouse and then instead of fessing up to the guilt, they take it out on the spouse, almost as if they are enraged at the person. Who they are really enraged at is themselves, and they are trying to get rid of the guilt they feel by shifting the blame to the other person. No psychology degree, just sayin…

So, if you are aren’t doing any of these things, LOSE THE GUILT and start enjoying your life!

 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

24 Responses to “Divorced? Get Rid of the Guilt!”

  1. Stacy

    There are so many other reasons why I feel guilty 2 years post divorce. Number one… Not having a traditional family unit for my kids who I might add are 22 and 18 now. I just need to know how to free myself of the guilt and allow myself to be happy.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Don’t you love yourself? If you don’t, you need to find out how to get to that place. People who have self-love don’t have that guilt. So, how can you get there? Maybe therapy. Maybe the support of friends? Maybe talk to your children and don’t apologize for the divorce, but apologize that they had to have divorced parents? That might relieve some of the guilt. I’m not an expert, just a divorced person. I do get your guilt. It’s not that I don’t understand it. I do. But life is short. Don’t waste it on guilt! You deserve to be happy

      Reply
  2. Toni

    @Jackie Pilossoph, thank you so much for your “in your face” advice. I needed this. I am divorcing an abusive husband and I felt guilty because I felt embarrassed and responsible. NO MORE!!! Thank you so much.

    Reply
  3. Sarah

    What about divorced people, like me, who don’t have any kids? What about the guilt of feeling like you are cheating on your first husband with your new fiance? What about wondering if you were wrong to leave, if it was half your fault, not just his? If I should have tried harder. Even though everyone told me when we were together that he was a mean frightening man and thought I should leave him for my safety and emotional well being, but I knew why he was the way he was and I promised in my vows to love him in sickness and in health, and shouldn’t mental sickness count? My new fiance is from a culture where people only ever love and get married once, and my sister says she wouldn’t date someone who had been divorced because she coouldn’t trust someone who already made the same promise to someone else and broke it. What about all the things we have done together? Lots of things bring back memories. How to move on? I left my husband. I still love him but I can’t be with him anymore.

    Reply
    • JD

      It sounds like you already know why you feel guilty. You made a lifelong vow to someone, and you broke it. You won’t find any answers to how to deal with the guilt here…this is just amateur psychology along the lines of “ignorance is bliss.” Regardless of your husbands problems, you vowed “for better or worse.” I’m sure you had your own issues because in fact you are an imperfect person just like your ex-husband is. If you really want answers, turn to the God of the Bible. Do not put your faith in other people, such as this blogster. God gives us guilt for a reason, so we can learn and grow and become more like Him. If you feel guilt, first ask God for forgiveness, and then ask your husband.

      Reply
  4. Dee

    ^ Sarah I’m feeling the same thing and it’s crippling and even making me physically ill I’ve just found out after a trip to the doctor 🙁 no kids & I don’t have someone else, but I feel awful for my husband although he never was a good partner to me and probably never could be since people don’t change. I still love him, but like you said, we can’t be together and be happy; it was a not a healthy successful relationship/partnership and it hurts a lot, I feel constant guilt (when I’m not feeling anger towards him).

    Reply
  5. Stephanie (@MakingMyOwnSun)

    I agree with Sarah and Dee. Not everyone who gets divorced has kids and just because we didn’t doesn’t make this any easier. He asked for it, its been 8 months and I feel guilty that when I think of dating, I think of him! Or hey, when I think about one day maybe just maybe remarrying, well I certainly don’t want to ask my friends to come to another wedding. They’ll already attended my first one. Nevermind the worries and concerns when it comes to eventually dating. If I ever decide to let myself open up again. There is so much more to divorce than those with kids and neither side is easier. I wish you had acknowledged those with no kids and / or grown kids too.

    Reply
  6. divorcee

    It’s been three years for me and I constantly feel guilt. I left after 15 years together. I refused to let my daughter think that it’s ok for mommy and daddy to fight, to not speak for days. We tried counseling, I wasn’t allowed to tell the counselor “real things” that were bothering me. I know we weren’t good together and it wasn’t a healthy environment for my daughter. Now, three years later, I remarried, had another baby and the guilt is even worse. She has been the only child for 7 years. We share custody 50/50. I agreed to it because I know my daughter needs her father just as much as she needs me and here I still cry when she isn’t there, when she leaves for a holiday with her father. If I do something with the baby, I feel guilt because she’s not there enjoying it with us. Guilt and sadness seem to be the only emotions I know. I don’t regret giving my daughter a better life. I’m a firm believer happy parents make happy children but I can’t stop feeling bad for her and she seems perfectly fine. ANY SUGGESTIONS??

    Reply
  7. Caroline

    Sometimes i need to remind myself that at the end of the day, meaning more like the last years of my life… what is going to matter? That i was happy, that my kids are okay and i lived my life honestly and was honest with myself.

    Reply
  8. Hope

    ^^I’m experiencing severe guilt because of initiating a divorce, as well. No kids. 4 years together. I was really neglected in the relationship… emotionally, it was very one-sided. No passion. No sex. No excitement. I tried to express my needs for years, and no action was ever taken to try and alleviate our problems. I ended up having an affair, but the affair turned out to be the best, most beautiful and exciting thing to ever happen to me. I’m still with the person I had an affair with. My ex, however, is very depressed… not doing well… and recently found out that they might even have a rare form of blood cancer!!! My ex has NO family and FEW friends to be supportive… The guilt is eating me ALIVE. It’s also affecting my new relationship because I’ve been honest about not being able to get over my guilt. I don’t know what to do…

    Reply
  9. Jonathan K

    I feel guilty for not trying harder to win back my wife’s affection. When I found out she cheated I simply got very angry and spiteful and after she filed for divorce and was dating a married VP at her work I told her I knew about it and she broke it off out of guilt. And when I was hospitalized for suicidal depression, I didn’t think of how ashamed she would be to have a husband who was depressed. And when I got angry at her for cheating in Las Vegas during a bachelorette party, I did not think about how Las Vegas is outside the bounds of marriage and how Girls will be Girls, and I should have known when I married a hot party girl that she’d be like this and…

    Okay, this is all tongue and cheek. I was married to a passive aggressive, work-obsessed woman who cheated on me and filed for divorce. I was so sad and guilty because all I did was work on my own things and she felt neglected, but the truth is, no one put a gun to her head and told her to cheat, and I used that knowledge to absolve myself of guilt, and now I am a tall sexy divorced father of two living in LA surrounded by beautiful women who won’t cheat on me and will be supportive of my dreams.

    It’s ok. We get second chances in life. Guilt is fleeting. Divorce is forever.

    Reply
  10. Laura

    I’m currently going through the thinking process of divorce. I have decided many times to divorce and have separated but it’s not the conventional separation. He still comes to mine every day and I have to go to his because of our daughter. He was a good guy but we lost focus on our marriage a while ago. He became obsessed with working to provide secure finances for our daughter and I also worked full time. I tried to talk to him several times that this isn’t good, that I also have the capacity to earn and he should cut down because it’s not good for him. Always stressed, got short if I asked for help at home etc.

    Without realised I ended up in an emotional affair….the guy listened but more importantly asked! I’ve never had that! But obviously that all blew n Guilt surmounted but I couldn’t love my husband. After this I have 6 months of verbal abuse saying how worthless I am etc. I feel drained all the time. I really wish to leave but he says blood will be on the floor before I get a divorce. The counsellor says I have a week to decide even though I have said many times I want a divorce…but as my husband is saying an absolute no, she thinks I should think harder and give better reasons than I don’t love him.

    My head hurts. In my culture this is not done. As my sister said the whole point of marriage is that you put yourself at the bottom of the lowest pit and lie there…family comes first and find your happiness in that.

    Reply
  11. GG

    I’m married for 8 years with no kids. I also feel some guilt and sadness for my wife. I initiate the separation. although not yet got an official divorce, but we agreed on it. she is in fact suggested to get an official divorce. I was neglected in the relationship. and there is no good communication between us. I also wanted to have kids, but she never took that seriously. She also couldn’t understand me and she got upset over simple differences. For example if I don’t believe in souls, she gets upset. She ask me to do things that I don’t believe in, I did. but anything I asks her, she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care much about the house. I believe that we both should take care of the house, cleaning, improving. but she not only rarely do any of these. but she causes mess and throw her things around and doesn’t want to follow any rule to make our life easier. I have expressed many times the problems and wanted to find a solution. I even told her that I can’t continue living like this and someday I might give up, and if that happens there is no second chance. she ignored all that . I don’t think our problems can be solved. I don’t think she will ever change. and I gave up.
    After separating, I met a wonderful woman. I didn’t hide that from her. I feel guilty for moving too quickly. I feel guilty that she feels sad and hurt. but I know it’s the right thing.

    Reply
    • Barry

      You did the right thing. Never question what you did. Happiness is where we find it. And, only each person can make themselves happy. If you met someone who is wonderful, go for it! Life is very short

      Reply
  12. NoHope

    My wife just left me and I know she feels no guilt and that hurts. I was not a bad person, and I know I could have changed. She never even gave me the opportunity too, she never communicated how she felt as she had already given up.
    I would have done anything and changed anything if she would have just talked to me.
    She has already started seeing someone that she met before she left me, and I know she is already happier. I could have given that to her. I was so stuck in how we were going to build our future that I lost sight of the present.
    I feel so sad and guilty, I thought she was the one. I loved her with all I had. Whenever I tried to talk to her about our problems, she just shut down.
    I miss her so much and all I can find is 40 something woman blogs that tell women why it’s ok to leave their partners. People can and do change, leaving is not always the right thing as love takes hard work and communication.
    It’s too late now, and I have no hope of recovery. I know I lost the best thing that has ever happened. She should feel guilty, she should feel guilty for not communicating and working on it and just giving up!

    We are separating amicably. I don’t want to make this difficult for her, and I want nothing than for her to be happy even though it has cost me mine.

    Reply
  13. Rebecca

    My son is three years old and his father and I are recently separated. I not only feel guilt for not spending every night with my young child but an immense amount of pain. At first, a little break was nice. However, now it just feels wrong to be away from him. It breaks my heart. I hope I find the strength to allow things to get better but I just can’t imagine how they will. I can’t wrap my head around missing so many days out of my sons childhood. How do mothers cope with this? I have even considered going back to his father just to be a family and be with my son everyday. He has a good father and he was a loyal partner and very good in many respects but I just was not happy. I never considered leaving him until I had a dream and someone told me the best mother I could be was a happy one…so that dream gave me the courage to leave. And yet I can’t bare the pain of missing him. It’s just really sad and the hardest part of separation.

    Reply
  14. Rev

    Hi Laura,

    Did you ever file for divorce? I feel the same way as you felt and was wondering what did you decide to do?? How are you now?

    Reply
  15. John stevens

    How do I not feel guilty when my less responsible ex asks for money in addition to the court payments to pay rent where my child lives most of the time or to sign for a new apt since her credit is trashed? I want to take care of my child but I have to protect myself too.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Have you ever thought of asking the courts to pay her rent directly? (so that you know the money is going toward the rent and not other things?) I have known people who have done that.

      Reply
  16. Harvey Rickard Jr

    I feel guilty because I neglected and took my ex for granted and now she is with some else and it hurts. I should have taken her places now it will never happen

    Reply

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