I received the email below from a woman seeking divorce advice regarding her husband leaving her.
Jackie, My ex husband and I dated for 10 years, and we were
married for 6 and a half years, we have no children. We are both 34 years
old. My ex husband was behaving very weird for months, he swore
everything was fine but I was suspicious, I even confronted him and asked
him if he was seeing someone else which he denied completely and even got
mad at me for asking.
Still after that, he was still very distant, he did a lot of traveling due to business. One day he told me he wanted to talk, I was happy because I thought he finally wanted to share with me what was bothering him, I never thought he was going to tell me he wanted to leave, he gave me no more explanation than saying he was overwhelmed by the marriage and wanted to be alone and single, that I was not the problem that it was all him, this helped me a little to manage my own guilt, but still all this has crushed me. He asked for a divorce 3 weeks later, two months after that, we were already divorced.
It’s been 5 months today since the day he left, I’ve been in therapy which
has helped me a lot but still hurts like hell. He damaged both his and my
family, even our friends were shocked by his behavior … the thing is, he
moved out of the country, less than a month after we signed the divorce,
he supposedly was given this job offer after he decided to leave me, I
guess no one will ever know if that is true. He still swears there is not
someone else, he lives alone in this new country, I guess no one will ever
know if that is true either. The last time I spoke to him was 4 months
ago, my birthday was 3 weeks ago, he texted me but I didn’t text him back,
not even to say thank you … I feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated, I
expected an apology, a more elaborated explanation or maybe even a good
bye … he walked out of almost 17 years of relationship and forgot
everything very easily and left me here.
What hurts me the most is that he thought divorce was the only option, he didn’t fight for our marriage, he didn’t even give us a chance, no couples therapy … Nothing.
I have, since he left, joined the gym, being a lot closer to friends and
family, even his family because they love me and I love them, I have been
working on moving on and being happy by myself and being more spiritual,
but still hurts a lot … The date of our anniversary is on Monday … It
was always very special to us, my ex used to be very loving and always
planned something for us to celebrate before he transformed into this
Of course, I first want to tell you how sorry I am for the pain you are going through. How awful not to have the answers and know the real reason your husband chose to leave. That’s a hard way to live. So, I’d like to offer you 6 pieces of divorce advice that might make sense and make what happened to you a little bit easier.
- Stop trying to guess why he left. I know myself and if I were you, I would be coming up with a new explanation every day of why he MIGHT have left. And, it would drive me insane. So, if you are doing that, trying to figure it out, stop. Just stop. You might never find out, or one day, you might. I have a friend who was separated for four years and never really knew for sure why his wife wanted a divorce. Four years later, the ex-wife of some guy called him and read him emails from four years earlier between her now ex and his ex-wife. It was then he found out she was having an affair. (The guy ended up dumping her, by the way). I have a feeling you might find out some day. But for now, just say to yourself that you might never know and accept it. Come to peace with that.
- Stop blaming yourself. If I were you, I would probably be saying things like, “Maybe if I would have paid more attention to him…” “Maybe if I was a better wife…” “Maybe if I would have appreciated him more and shown him for affection…” Stop. Say these words to yourself: “I was the best wife I knew how to be and I will never look back or regret anything because it won’t bring him back.” Be kind to yourself. I suspect the reason he left had much more to do with HIM.
- Write to him. When I was separated, I used to write really long letters to my ex (which makes sense because I’m a writer) but the thing is, I never sent them to him. I just wrote them to soothe my pain, and guess what? It worked. Pour out your feelings. Tell him everything you want to say. Call him every name. Tell him you still miss the smell of his pillow. Write whatever helps you feel better. But, do not send anything to him. Writing can feel so good, and can be better than any alcoholic drink or drug you’ve ever taken!
- Minimize time with his family. Probably none of my business, but hanging around his family is not helping you. I’m sure they are very nice people and I’m sure they love you, but you need to focus on YOUR friends and family, and meeting new friends. I’m not saying never see them, but it’s just hurting you more right now.
- Nurture and love yourself. This is really big. Please take care of yourself and love yourself. Just because a man didn’t love you enough to stay with you, that doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable. That is just one man. Again, be kind to yourself. You deserve that.
- Celebrate the rest of your life. You are only 34! I’d give anything to be 34 again! I didn’t get married until I was 35! Do you realize that you have an entire life ahead of you, maybe with someone who will love you enough to never leave you? Maybe you’ll have children. Maybe you’ll live somewhere really cool. Maybe you’ll experience things you never would have had this marriage worked out.