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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

You got divorced and began dating. You never thought you’d meet someone you’d fall in love with again. And then you did!! Things couldn’t be better. You’ve never been happier, and another trip down the aisle seems like it isn’t very far away. But, having a ring on your finger (again) might be further than you think.

NO GUY is going to marry you—in fact, he might dump you—if you do these things:

1.       Talk about your ex excessively.  Your ex comes to get the kids and he picks a fight with you. He’s  real jerk for no reason. The second they’re gone, you run to the phone, call your boyfriend and tell him the whole story. Let me explain something to you. Your boyfriend loves you, he adores you, he lives for you. But, he doesn’t want to hear about it! I think it’s okay to vent from time to time, or ask advice about how to handle things, but you really have to pick and choose what’s truly worth sharing. He doesn’t need to hear every time you and your ex have an argument, or every little thing your ex does to piss you off, or what a jerk the guy is. Bringing your baggage into your new relationship will undoubtedly ruin it. I’m not saying you should hold your feelings in. Journal your pain, or call a girlfriend, or go work out. ANYTHING but tell the man you love constantly about how much you can’t stand your ex. It’s unattractive, boring, and just plain unhealthy.

 2.       Bug your guy to get married. What I’ve learned about divorced men over the years is that they desperately want to get married again (secretly and/or subconsciously). However, they do not want to be pressured or convinced or nagged. They want it on their terms when they are ready. So please, leave the guy alone. Let him get there when he is ready. It could take years. If you love him, he is worth the wait. Besides, what’s the big rush to get married again? If you have true love, it will work out, and you should feel confident that you already have him, ring or no ring.

 

 3.       Treat the guy like he’s your kids’ new dad. You have your kids, he has his. The Brady Bunch was a TV show, it’s not your life. Plus, I think both Mr. and Mrs. Brady were widows, so maybe that’s why the kids were so accepting of the new spouses. Your kids have a dad (if you are divorced), and his kids have a mom. What you need to be to his kids is just a mentor, a friend and another adult they can count on. Your boyfriend should play that same role for your kids. How wonderful that is! They don’t need another dad, and your boyfriend doesn’t want to be their dad. He might love them and that’s great. But he doesn’t have to come to every sporting event, every school play and every music recital. He doesn’t have to spend every weekend at your house. He has a life, too, and that includes his kids and his need for alone time. Give him that gift and he will love you for it.

 4.       Talk negatively about his kids. This is an expressway to being dumped! “She was so mean to me,” “She acted like such a little brat,” “She hates me and she makes sure I know it.” No guy wants to hear this. It might be true, but keep it to yourself! Trust me, if his kids aren’t nice to you, or are not accepting of you, he is very aware of that. It’s HIS problem, and his kids’ problem. It isn’t YOUR problem. All you can do is be your nice self all the time, and wait it out. Remember, these are HIS kids, not yours. Focus on your own children. And never, never take it personally if the kids are a little icy, or even rude to you. They are grieving and trying to figure things out. Trust me, wait it out and say nothing.

 5.       Try to change him. Is there a possibility that you tried to change your husband, and that that might be part of the reason you are divorced? Don’t make the same mistake again. We’re older now. We know better. No one changes! If he’s a smoker, don’t try to get him to stop. If he’s a drinker, you can’t help him. If he gambles, that’s what he does. You can accept it or move on. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN!! If you nag him or hound him, three things will happen: he will do it more, you will fight, and he will dump you.

 

I hope this didn’t come off as judgmental or harsh, but as a divorced person, I think I’m much wiser when it comes to relationships, and I have been around enough divorced people to speak as an authority on a lot of these issues.

Relationships are difficult, and post marital relationships are even harder.  But, divorced people have an advantage (if you want to look at it that way.) Hopefully we’ve learned from our past mistakes, we have more to offer, and we are more open-minded when it comes to advice (like this.)

Things to do if you want to keep him:

  1. Treat him with kindness and respect. All the time!
  2. Appreciate him. Tell him and show him you appreciate him.
  3. Accept him EXACTLY the way he is.

 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

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