You got divorced and began dating. You never thought you’d meet someone you’d fall in love with again. And then you did!! Things couldn’t be better. You’ve never been happier. So, how do you stay happy? Here is my advice for a wonderfully healthy relationship, and how to not get dumped.
How to not get dumped starts with avoiding these 5 behaviors:
1. Talking about your ex excessively.
Your ex comes to get the kids and he picks a fight with you. He’s real jerk for no reason. The second they’re gone, you run to the phone, call your boyfriend and tell him the whole story. Bad idea and let me tell you why. Your boyfriend loves you, he adores you, he lives for you. But, he doesn’t want to hear about it!
I think it’s okay to vent from time to time, or ask advice about how to handle things, but you really have to pick and choose what’s truly worth sharing. He doesn’t need to hear every time you and your ex have an argument, or every little thing your ex does to piss you off, or what a jerk the guy is. Bringing your baggage into your new relationship will undoubtedly ruin it.
I’m not saying you should hold your feelings in. Journal your pain, or call a girlfriend, or go work out. ANYTHING but tell the man you love constantly about how much you can’t stand your ex. It’s unattractive, boring, and just plain unhealthy.
2. Bug your guy/girl to get married.
What I’ve learned about divorced people over the years is that so many of them really want to get married again (secretly and/or subconsciously). However, they do not want to be pressured or convinced or nagged. They want it on their terms when they are ready. So please, leave the person alone.
Let them get there when they are ready. It could take years. If you’re in love, it will be worth the wait. Besides, what’s the big rush to get into a second marriage? If you have true love, it will work out, and you should feel confident that you already have him, ring or no ring.
3. Treat the person like he/she is your kids’ new dad/mom.
You have your kids, he has his. The Brady Bunch was a TV show, it’s not your life. Plus, I think both Mr. and Mrs. Brady were widows, so maybe that’s why the kids were so accepting of the new spouses. Your kids have a dad (if you are divorced), and his kids have a mom.
What you need to be to his kids is just a mentor, a friend and another adult they can count on. Your boyfriend should play that same role for your kids. How wonderful that is! They don’t need another dad, and your boyfriend doesn’t want to be their dad. He might love them and that’s great. But he doesn’t have to come to every sporting event, every school play and every music recital. He doesn’t have to spend every weekend at your house. He has a life, too, and that includes his kids and his need for alone time. Give him that gift and he will love you for it.
4. Talk negatively about his/her kids.
How to not get dumped? This is an expressway to being dumped! “She was so mean to me,” “She acted like such a little brat,” “She hates me and she makes sure I know it.” No guy wants to hear this. It might be true, but keep it to yourself! Trust me, if his kids aren’t nice to you, or are not accepting of you, he is very aware of that. It’s HIS problem, and his kids’ problem. It isn’t YOUR problem.
All you can do is be your nice self all the time, and wait it out. Remember, these are HIS kids, not yours. Focus on your own children. And never, never take it personally if the kids are a little icy, or even rude to you. They are grieving and trying to figure things out. Trust me, wait it out and say nothing.
5. Try to change him/her.
Is there a possibility that you tried to change your husband, and that that might be part of the reason you are divorced? Don’t make the same mistake again. We’re older now. We know better. No one changes! If he’s a smoker, don’t try to get him to stop. If he’s a drinker, you can’t help him. If he gambles, that’s what he does. You can accept it or move on. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN!! (or a woman!) If you nag him or hound him, three things will happen: he will do it more, you will fight, and he will dump you.
I hope this didn’t come off as judgmental or harsh, but as a divorced person, I think I’m much wiser when it comes to relationships, and I have been around enough divorced people to speak as an authority on a lot of these issues, including how to not get dumped!
Relationships are difficult, and post marital relationships are even harder. But, divorced people have an advantage (if you want to look at it that way.) Hopefully we’ve learned from our past mistakes, we have more to offer, and we are more open-minded when it comes to advice (like this.)
How to not get dumped:
Do these things:
1. Treat the person with kindness and respect. All the time!
2. Appreciate the person. Tell him/her and show him you appreciate him.
3. Accept the person for EXACTLY who he/she is.