Coping With Divorce: 5 Things That Will Drive Any Divorcee Nuts

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

Anyone who has ever gone through a divorce has at one point or another, (probably more than once, maybe ongoing) felt that sickening feeling of hopelessness and frustration by the way their ex is acting.

One month, he just decides he’s not paying child support, another month, she won’t answer your texts, emails or phone calls regarding an issue with the kids, and the worst feeling of all, you receive your monthly attorney bill, (that you can’t afford) when your case is no further along than it was a year ago.

It’s exhausting. It’s maddeningly frustrating. It wakes you up at 4:30 in the morning, unable to sleep because you are so worried and your options seem to be down to two things: do nothing and remain unhappy, or spend more money on attorneys and remain unhappy.

Here are the five things that I believe would drive any divorced man or woman absolutely crazy:

1. Non-communication: It’s very typical of a lot of men and women to stay angry about their divorce for a long time, sometimes forever. So, they decide to act like a third grader and just not speak to you. They don’t return your calls, emails or texts regarding things that have to do with the kids, even something as simple as a scheduling conflict. They decide they are “burning you” or “sticking it to you” by not responding. Who they are really sticking it to is their kids. There’s really nothing you can do, except tell you attorney, which only means spending more money with no result. (I’m not bashing divorce attorneys, by the way. I’m just stating that the money you spend is more than what you will get as a result of making things a legal issue.)

2. Nickel and diming: I am constantly amazed at men and women who make in excess of $200,000 a year, and who still count every single penny when it comes to splitting kids expenses. One of my friends (whose husband is in that category) got an email from her ex that she owed him 82 cents. I swear I’m not kidding. The nickel and diming is really disgusting to me.

3. Being rude and angry in front of the kids: This is by far the worst one. Why do adults put themselves and their emotions ahead of their children?? Even more so, why can’t people let their anger and resentment go? Do you hold onto it forever? I just don’t get it. It’s so sad to me and knowing it’s hurting children drives me insane, because they do feel it. The fact that one of their parents hates the other is embedded in their core, and strikes at their hearts, and they will feel that for the rest of their lives. So, people, get over it! Think of your kids, not yourself.

4. Acting like their job is more important than yours This comes down to just being plain old self-centered, and not having the ability to see that your spouse has a job, too. We are all trying to make money and do our jobs to the best of our abilities. Is one person’s job more important than the other’s because he or she makes more money? Absolutely not.

5. Attorneys fees: This is still is a raw subject for me, in that there was a time when every month, I would receive a bill, and I look at it and I think, ‘This is money I could be putting away for college.’ Instead, it’s being spent because my ex and I can’t agree on things, and we have to use attorneys to have our conversations. Again, I am not faulting attorneys. The attorneys are just doing their jobs. But, if people could put their emotions aside, and think of the kids, the divorce attorney business would barely even exist. And that’s the way it should be. But the reality is, divorce attorneys clean up because of people’s anger and emotions.

In closing, here’s the positive spin on this VERY NEGATIVE article. Even with all the aggravation, being divorced is still better than being married to the wrong person. The gifts of being divorced are freedom, peace, less conflict, and the opportunity for a better, happier life ahead. And the biggest one, a better life for the kids, because as much as the two divorced people are at odds, the kids would probably be a lot worse off if the two were still married and living together.

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

3 Responses to “Coping With Divorce: 5 Things That Will Drive Any Divorcee Nuts”

  1. Natalia

    Dear Jackie,

    I love your blog. And, I can relate to this particular post. I have worked very hard to put my anger aside for the sake of my kids and myself. I want to be happy. I even want my ex to be happy.

    However, I think there is something that should be clarified in your post. Divorce attorneys are not only useful to talking to someone you do not get along with or are extremely angry at. They are useful for helping to guide families through the court system during a very difficult time. Divorce attorneys help you make decisions that will impact the rest of your life and those of your children. Good divorce attorneys will counsel you, calm you and help you to understand how your behavior will be seen by others. Even if a couple can end their marriage on amicable terms, they still need an attorney to put it in writing and file the paperwork.

    Of course there are goods ones and bad ones. Always interview a few attorneys before picking one. Try to get a referral. If not from a friend, call your local Bar Association. Join a meet-up group for divorcees and ask around. Do your best to make sure the attorney you pick is right for you.

    Reply
  2. Caroline

    I wish there was such a thing as court ordered counseling for divorcee anger. My ex needs to move on and let go of his anger, not just for me…but more so for himself and for our son. But there is no way the guy would seek out that help on his own or even through suggestion of someone he trusted. It makes me sad that this residual anger and frustration from probably about every previous bad experience in his life just stays with him. While I understand the hurt and anger from my asking for a divorce, I’m receiving what I believe is the bulk of all of that negativity. He’d be happier if he let it go, unfortunately I don’t see that happening.

    Reply

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