3 Words For Those Who Can’t Cope With Divorce

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I have 3 words for those who can’t cope with divorce. Here they are:

Enjoy. Each. Day.

 

Why these three words? Here’s the story. A reader commented on one of my blog posts, stating that “divorce is a fate worse than death.”

Now, my gut reaction to this statement was that this reader has obviously never experienced the death of someone close to him. Otherwise, he would not have written this. I can speak firsthand, as someone who went through a divorce and who lost my father. Two entirely different things and I’ll take the divorce over that any day of the week.

 

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That said, I do feel for this guy, because for him to write such a bold statement, he is obviously in a lot of pain, and he is suffering immensely. We don’t know what his divorce is like. Maybe his wife left, maybe she has turned his kids against him, maybe he is financially in trouble, or maybe he is suffering from loneliness. So for him, he can’t imagine the death of a loved one being any harder than what he is experiencing.

Enter another reader, who responded to this dark statement.

 

Dude, take a pill. Divorce is not a fate worse than death. For example, I am divorced. I started my day with a run by the river, and then met my girlfriend for brunch. After that, I went to the movies and then had a long call with my Dad about nothing before having a beer. It’s been a pretty good day so far. I haven’t been dead before, so I can’t say definitively, but just going out on a limb, I’d say this is not a fate worse than death.

 

Reading this response was like a breath of fresh air to me. The title of his comment, by the way, was “How I spent my day.”

Why did it feel so good to read this? Because this reader understands something that many people going through a divorce or who are already divorced don’t. He seems to live by the three words: Enjoy. Each. Day.

 

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Let me back up. No one wants to be divorced. But, it happens. The pain of divorce can be unbearable. Your ex can do unspeakably horrible things to you. The process can seem really, really unfair and exhausting. And, the regret you might feel can make things seem hopeless. But all these things have one thing in common: they are all out of your control.

You might not have wanted the divorce. Maybe your spouse just told you one day, “I met someone else, I want a divorce.” Or, maybe you did want the divorce because you had no choice (because of abuse, for example.) In either scenario, you had little or no control. You don’t have control of someone cheating, you don’t have control of a substance abuse issue, and you don’t have control over someone deciding it’s over. To an extent, we everyone has some control over the success of our romantic relationships. In other words, you can put in effort to keep your marriage healthy, but a lot of things are out of your control, mainly your spouse’s behavior, words and actions. Additionally, you have little or no control over the court system, other than to trust your attorney and educate yourself so you can make good decisions.

 

What many people don’t know how to do is to take all the things they can’t control, put them on a plate and set them aside. Doing this makes room for what you CAN control, which is what you choose to do each day of your life.

I’ll start with this example. You can wake up and do one of these two things:

 

#1. You can lay there thinking, ‘The house is empty. My ex is waking up with his new girlfriend, happy as can be.’ ‘My kids are at their house and they love her.’ ‘I am going to be alone forever.’ You can then cry and worry about it all day, sit around watching old “Friends” episodes and order a pizza.

 

OR

 

#2 You can wake up and look out the window and see that the sun is shining. You can think, ‘What do I want to do on this beautiful day that is such a gift to me?’ ‘Do I want to go for a walk, call a girlfriend, go shopping, plan a vacation, go see my family, do some volunteer work?’ ‘What do I want for breakfast? I can have anything I want!’

 

Think about my reader. He went for a run, ate brunch, went to a movie, talked with his dad, had a beer. That sounds like a great day! I’m sure things weren’t or aren’t easy for him for the simple fact that he is divorced, and nothing is easy about that. But, he is choosing to enjoy his day.

 

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He probably doesn’t do this every day, and no one is expected to be perky and happy every minute of every day. There are times we can nurture ourselves and let ourselves feel the pain of what happened to us, but in the coming months, more and more days should be spent going back to basics and doing what we love, seeing people we enjoy, experiencing and learning new things, and doing what makes us happy and makes us feel fulfilled.

 

I tell newly separated people who are really in the thick of feeling crappy that they should take some time every single day to enjoy something. It might be an activity with the kids, trying a new restaurant, walking in a garden, performing a kind or charitable act. Even if you do one thing that makes you realize the beauty of life, your day can’t be that bad.

 

Enjoy. Each. Day. because there will always be crap we all have to deal with (whether going through a divorce or not). Problems will always be present. We solve them and then new ones come up. Most we can handle, but there are some we can’t. Believe me, divorce is one that you can handle. I promise! So, set aside the problems you can’t control but will eventually solve, and find simple pleasures in life. Do kind things that make you feel good. Laugh a lot. And of course, love love love the ones you love.

 

Like this post? Check out my article, “Going Through a Divorce? One Word That Will Keep you Out of the Garbage Chute”

 

Katz and Stefani

 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

12 Responses to “3 Words For Those Who Can’t Cope With Divorce”

  1. Monica

    I can understand this persons feelings. Who are we to judge one persons feelings in just one moment in time. I, myself, have these feelings on more than one occasion. And although my intellect tells me it’s just a bad day, my heart is absolutely on the floor in pieces, at that moment. I am a 47 year old, childless, new divorcee whom made a major career change and have gotten divorced within one year. I would have to disagree that if one feels like death is better than divorce, that person never lost someone he/she loves. To the contrary, I have been through the loss of a death of loved ones, friendships, famiy etc. To put my view into perspective, today is a perfect example. I woke up not wanting to get out of bed, but I did. I didn’t want to go to work, but I did. I could hardly make it through noon, I felt so alone; and I want to make it clear I am not one who wants a pity party. i’m an adult and I’m dealing my own way and not by way of sympathy from outsiders who don’t understand what i’m going through. This morning I just really wanted to die. News. People. Ex cheating on me. ect. I left early, took a xanax, and took a 2 hour nap. I woke up and forced myself to go to the gym. that exercise alone, helped me feel like I had hope again. My day literally took a 180 degree turn. In short, not one persons experiencne is like anothers so we should not judge how one feels at that moment , because it is just a bad day, not a bad life!

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I love this reply. I guess I never thought of it that way because I went through a divorce long before I had a death in my family. I love the part about you going to the gym. It does make such a difference, doesn’t it? I remember, I used to call my sister sobbing (when I was going through my divorce) and she would say, “Let’s hang up. You should go to the gym and call me back after.” and i would do that and i would always feel better. I wish you lots and lots of really good days ahead and less and less bad ones. xoxo

      Reply
    • Ana

      I am 46, married 25 and my husband decided he doesn’t love me anymore so he left! My dad died a couple of years ago and i loved my dad! But this pain is worse than the pain of losing my dad!! My dad died! He didn’t choose to leave me… so the pain of death is different! I totally understand him… it’s much worse! I cry myself to sleep I wake up and cry.. I feel so helpless, sad rejected! I gave that man the best years of my life! And now I am old and he leaves me!!! Becase he wants to find his happiness… so selfish! What about breaking my heart and leaving his daughter… I just want to stop crying and be happy again but the days are so long! I wish I could go to sleep and wake up next year when this pain is better or gone!?

      Reply
      • Jackie Pilossoph

        I just want you to know that I feel your pain and I’m so sorry you are going through this. But, let’s make one thing clear: you are not old! I would give anything to be 46 again! Oh, and by the way, I met the love of my life at 49. Please be patient. It takes time to process your grief. Focus on your daughter and getting healthy. xo

        Reply
  2. Jayne

    My father died when I was a teen, many years before my spouse and I separated. I can honestly say (though it feels dishonorable to my father) that the separation has been much harder to deal with. My father dying was horrible, sad and really tough but it did not leave me feeling rejected, with low self-confidence and facing the possibility I may not have children like the separation has.

    Reply
  3. catosg

    47 m here going through a divorce and there’s good & bad days and though seeking regular counsellor still sometimes struggle each morning once the reminder hits, I started using these 3 words starting today and I like the positive vibe its giving me. I can wallow later, but now I am going for a walk on this nice spring day and meet friends for sushi.

    Reply
  4. Amber

    Wow, I just want to say thank you so much for all of these posts. I have to be honest, I would say that how I am feeling right now is a fate worse than death. I am miserable and with every second comes these mind consuming thoughts that I can’t seem to shake.
    My name is Amber and I filed for divorce last week. Not because I wanted to but because I have no control over what my husband wants… no control. Ugh, no control. I can’t believe this is happening to me.
    We have been married for nine years. We have a brand new home and a beautiful little girl. What makes everything worse is that I recently left a full time job to go back to school because it has been something I wanted to do for a long time. I also thought that my husband would be there to support me, to grow old with me, and now I feel lost and empty. I feel like I have nothing left.
    So when does it come? How long does it take? Will I ever be okay again?

    Reply
    • Leigh

      Hi Amber. I left finally, for the third and last time. I had left him before for about nine months, then went back and then left again for another month and went back AGAIN. This occurred within a two year time span; each time I left because I simply could not take the emotional and mental abuse any longer. Now, a month separated (this time for good ) I am living at my parents home, I have no job (I worked for him) and my vehicle & cell phone…he pays for. I quit my 80k + career four years ago when we got married, I was pressured by him to do so and I caved and it’s my biggest regret in life! I feel hopeless, ashamed and depressed. I cry everyday and I absolutely mourn the life I had planned with my spouse. I feel pathetic and hopeless as each day passes and the fear of the unknown future consumes me. It would almost be easier for me to go back to my horrible life with my spouse than endure the pain I wake up to each and everyday.
      I lost my dad four years ago and I can assure anyone reading this that divorce/separation is not a fate worse than death. If I could trade one situation for the other, I would bring my Dad back in a heartbeat if it meant having to get divorced. I will admit however, that although not suicidal myself I can understand why people have contemplated it whilst going through a messy separation/divorce.
      I am 36 and childless and I feel as though I’ve made some poor choices that have ruined the rest of my life. I know this is not true but it’s hard for me to think otherwise when the thoughts consume me. Yes, I am looking for work but so far nothing and for that I feel like a failure as well.
      I resonate with this article because I have told myself “I can’t do this and I would rather die than go through this” on more than one occasion. This feels like death and I recognize I am grieving the loss of my relationship much the same way I grieved the loss of my Dad. Divorce most certainly is not a fate worse than death, I am grateful to be alive and I will try to find enjoyment and happiness in each day no matter how crappy I feel or how sad I am. I wonder too…will I ever be okay again?

      Reply
  5. Kristi Shaw Reed

    My husband and I have been married 17 years and he left us, I have a daughter in college and a freshman in high school! We are so close to being empty nested and now I feel like I will be alone forever, and he’s happy as can be! It’s baffling to me, I’m the sole provider in our home and every day he still calls for money groceries etc. Why do I feel it’s my responsibility to still get things for him, I love him and want to be with him, but today I went to the store and this little 20 something who seemed to know me very well says oh hi I saw your ex today ? I clearly was not prepared for the word ex or for wondering how she knew me!! So my fairly decent day turned to what the &$@;? Who is this girl and why does she know I have an ex! So instead of assaulting her across the counter I smiled politely and said tell him hi!! I know In my reality it’s best that we aren’t together but in my pretend mind I want him back so badly! I don’t want the bad days or the interesting checkers asking me questions, and I want to know how to cut off buying him everything he asks for? Like reading my comments I sound crazy and feel that way most of the time!!

    Reply
  6. Joshua Tilghman

    Jackie,

    Great points. I have heard that divorce is worse than death too. I believe some people come to this conclusion because there’s usually closure to death, a certain finality. Whereas with divorce the person who can never let go feels like their former spouse is still within reach (even if they have moved on). These sort of people try to justify holding on and it becomes an emotional roller coaster that never ends. Therefore, it becomes worse for them. That is there choice to remain that way, and it’s sad.

    Like you, and the next e-mailer, I learned to look at the positive after my separation from my wife of 14 years. I chose to look at life with a new perspective, and for me the prospect of divorce became freeing. No more arguing. No more trying to endlessly please her with little results. But it took a lot of time for me to come to this conclusion. I spent many a nights wallowing in self-pity. So, what I am trying to say is, I can understand both perspectives.

    One of the most positive things I did, was also like you, start a blog that could help others through the knowledge and experience I gained as a result of my separation. Thanks for the post!

    http://www.lifewithdivorce.com

    Reply

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