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Should This Woman Get Divorced Because Her Husband Has No Sex Drive?

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in Marriage advice, Sex, Thinking of separating

 

husband has no sex drive

Below is a comment I received from a woman seeking advice and considering divorce because her husband has no sex drive.

I have been married 10 years and I want a divorce. I love my husband so much it hurts to have to tell him I am leaving. We have been fighting for 4 years now, since my dad died, and even more so for the last year, since my mom died. Mainly it’s because I need more sex and intimacy.

 I feel so lost without my parents and I need that human contact and he can’t seem to find it important enough to give it to me. He says he loves me but doesn’t have a sex drive any more.

 He is in his mid 40′s and healthy. It seems the more I ask about it the more he holds it back from me. I can’t take it any more!!!! We use to make love almost every other day for 5 years. Then excuses happened all the time. I’m too tired. My hip hurts. Maybe tomorrow. Then that never happens.

 I am frustrated and refuse to keep pleasing myself when I am married. If I have to do everything myself, why should I be married?? Help!

 

When I read something that says “I want a divorce” and “I love my husband so much it hurts” in the same paragraph, my instinct tells me you do not want a divorce. Which is great! People who have checked out of a marriage don’t typically say “I love my husband so much it hurts.”

There are a few things going on here that need addressed, the first being that you are dealing with the death of your parents. That has to be incredibly painful and life altering. I’m so sorry for you. But, I suspect it is playing a huge role in your emotions and wish to divorce. Any therapist will tell you not to make a decision like divorce while you are still mourning the death of a loved one.

Now, about the sex. You really have to find out what the issue is. I do not buy “I have no sex drive.” There is a reason your husband doesn’t want sex. He might feel badly about himself, he might even be depressed. Or, he might be cheating, (I don’t mean to scare you, but it is a possibility).

You need to talk to him. I mean, really talk to him. Ask him in a very nice way. Say this to him: “I love you so much it hurts. You are the love of my life. I want us to be together forever. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want you to want anyone else. But with that kind of love comes sex, and I want to have sex with you. Often. Like we used to. If you really love me and you want a happy, healthy marriage, let’s please work on this together. I will do whatever it takes, whatever you need. I want you. Forever. Do you?”

The two of you can consider therapy, or he could go to therapy himself. He could also have low testosterone, which is causing his low sex drive, so he could have that checked out with his doctor.

Also, you guys could try spicing things up a bit. Here is part of a comment I received in response to your comment that I thought was great:

What options have you tried so far? Maybe spice things up a little bit….toys, role playing, different times of day, different rooms, or new cities/states, etc. can be a new way of introducing something fun and enjoyable for both of you. Yes, sex can get to a point in a marriage where it is routine and boring, but it doesn’t have to be. There is so much more to a marriage than the bedroom.

 In closing, I get so many e-mails and comments from people considering divorce and their situations are much worse than yours. In other words, yours seems like a marriage worth saving. But the bottom line is, your husband needs to listen to your needs. If he continues to do nothing, you will eventually cheat and/or leave. I truly hope he is smart enough and cares enough to fix it before it gets to that point.

 

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Relationship Advice for Couples who Have Different Social Agendas

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in relationship advice, Second marriage

relationship advice   relationship advice

In my “Love Essentially” column this week (published today in Sun-Times Media local publications) I offer relationship advice for couples who have different ideas of what their social life as a couple should be.

Couch Potato Vs. Party Girl-A Relationship Issue? by Jackie Pilossoph

A close friend of mine recently turned 50. In honor of her huge milestone, her husband threw her a party at Glenview’s Potato Creek Johnny’s with about 100 of their friends, 95 percent who were couples.

As I made my way around the bash, talking to friends, sipping wine and munching on cheese curds, jalepeno poppers and of course, birthday cake, I made an observation that wasn’t new, but confirmed: girls talk, men really don’t.

I’m not saying men stand there and say nothing, but as I looked around the room, I noticed the women were chatting non-stop, the only exception being to take a sip of their drink. The men, on the other hand were doing a lot more eating and watching the band.

Where am I going with this? I think that by nature, many men are more introverted than women. They’re shier, they tend to listen more than talk, and conversations are shorter. Think about it. If a girl asks another girl, “What’s new?” the answer turns into a 10-minute conversation. The same question from a guy to a guy probably results in “Not much, Dude. You?”

So, can these fundamental differences in men and women cause relationship issues? Maybe. Just because a man might be quiet, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy cocktail parties. But what about the man who dislikes crowds? The man who would rather spend a Saturday night watching Netflix versus having dinner with his wife and three other couples at a nice restaurant?

I was recently talking to a friend who said she and her husband often argue because she prefers to socialize much more than he does. She said the two, who have three young children are constantly battling because when Saturday night rolls around, she wants to get a babysitter and have grown-up plans and he’s all about staying in and ordering a pizza.

To help address this conflict… (click here to read the rest of the article in Sun-Times Media local.) GREAT advice from a top-notch therapist, and of course, I give my two cents.

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Divorce Advice for “He Found a Happily Ever After”

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in coping with divorce, divorce advice

 

divorce advice

Below is an email from a woman whose husband left her, along with my divorce advice.

Married 18 years and I always thought we were so happy. People said they wanted a relationship like ours. Then he dropped the bomb! Now a year later the divorce is final and I can’t seem to move on.

He is still with the girl (she is 15 years younger then us) and they are both divorced & ready to continue this relationship. They have been together over a year (they were together before we separated). Now they are moving in together and marrying.

Our two teenaged children hate her and he barley speaks to our kids or sees them because they are not accepting her in their lives. He tries to act like some hot young stud who doesn’t have a care in the world.

His oldest daughter is 3 years younger then the girlfriend and she refuses to meet her, so he isn’t speaking to that child anymore either. He missed his oldest sons graduation to spend time in another state with the new girl. How can someone so new mean so much that you throw away so much? Is this true love? I don’t understand. I’m so angry.

I hate that I can’t move on! I hate that he found a happily ever after so soon after leaving all of us in turmoil.

I hate to say this, but this divorce scenario is very common, and I say that because I know so many women (and some men) in this exact situation.

The husband (or wife) cheats, thinks he or she finally met the love of their life, and wants everyone on earth to understand and jump on board in support of their bliss. Everyone at the beginning of a new relationship is self-centered and in their mind, the whole world revolves around how happy they are, and they think everyone should embrace it, including their kids, and even their ex! It’s kind of crazy.

Here is what I typically see happen. They prioritize the new spouse over the kids, and if the kids are upset, they have the viewpoint that the kids are being selfish. ‘I gave my life to raising and supporting you. Now it’s my turn to be happy, and if you aren’t happy for me, than tough shit.’ That is what the person is thinking, which in my opinion is so wrong, because your kids are always your kids, no matter how old they are—even as adults. And because of that, a parent should always understand how a divorce feels to their children. I don’t care if the kids are 40 years old!

The other thing that tends to happen is that the person who cheated and is apparently so blissful in his new relationship becomes angry and mean and resentful to the spouse he (or she) left! They do this because it’s easier to make that person the villain than to hate themselves (which is what is really going on.) Did you hear me? Deep down, he hates himself for what he did. He had some unhappiness in his life and he tried to fix it by having an affair with a younger woman. And now, he hates you (and isn’t thrilled with your kids) because subconsciously he knows he’s a liar and a cheater, and that he took the cowards way out.

“I hate that he found a happily ever after so soon after leaving all of us in turmoil,” you say. First of all, he didn’t find it “so soon after leaving,” he found it DURING the marriage, which means his new, blissful relationship began while he was cheating. Would you want YOUR relationship to begin that way? AND, it wasn’t even like he could say, ‘We were miserable. Our marriage was over.’ You had no idea! You thought you were both happy, so how bad could the marriage really have been? If he was unhappy, he could have tried to talk to you about it, but instead he chose to cheat.

Listen to me. He did not find a happily ever after. He found a Band-Aid for some deep rooted issue of his unhappiness. And honestly, if he stays with her forever and is happy, it has no affect on you anymore. You have to find a way to let it go and focus on your life. In case you haven’t thought of this, you have a whole life ahead of you. I’m not saying what happened to you is a good thing, I’m saying it happened, so now, it’s time for you to get tough, NOT play the victim, and go out and start a life that you want for yourself.

As far as your kids, he is messing things up with them in a huge way, and that isn’t your problem. The only thing you can do is be there for your kids, listen to them and NOT talk badly about your ex. They will remember what he is doing forever, and that doesn’t sound like a happily ever after to me. You, on the other hand have a chance at happily ever after! That should be your focus, and I’m not talking about a man, (although that can happen if you want.) I’m talking about your life. In other words, go get your happily ever after!

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Will His Divorce Anger Ever Go Away?

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in divorce advice, Divorce and children, divorce anger

 

divorce anger

Below is an e-mail I received from a woman seeking advice regarding her ex-husband’s divorce anger that is ever present.

Jackie, I am going on close to 2 years since my ex-husband and I have been separated. My ex went through a process of seeming okay with it, then briefly seemed upset and then he got MAD and has stayed mad since.

We communicate over text because he refuses to speak to me or “be in the same room” with me, and I’ve accepted that as part of his process. I’ve accepted that he may just be angry for a very long time, but constantly being on the receiving end of that anger has me rethinking my approach. I tell myself every time he lays into me about something “take the higher road” and I do. I speak to him in a civil way, I try to be as accommodating as I can when it comes to his time with our son.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m maybe becoming a little bit of a doormat, and I don’t want that to happen. Where is that line? Where is the line between being accommodating and patient and just being a doormat for him to stomp on and walk all over?

 

Isn’t divorce anger horrible?! I can’t stand it! I know many men and women who after years and years are unable to let go of their divorce anger. It’s sad. It’s pathetic. It’s infuriating and I want to slap them and say, “Wake up!” Even when the people get remarried, they still burn with anger, and still feel the need to treat their ex like crap.

What is particularly bothersome about it is that the children grow up seeing this behavior, so what chance will they ever have of NOT acting the same way—with the same divorce anger– in the event that they get divorced?

You ask, “Where is the line between being accommodating and being a doormat?” That is for you to decide and I think it depends on the situation and many other factors. I’m sure there are times where you let his anger and insults and dirty looks roll off. Then there are other times you can’t resist defending yourself. There are probably other times when you just cry about it, and other times you get furious. I get it.

The best advice I can give you is:

10 things to tell yourself when your ex shows divorce anger:

1. This is HIS issue, not mine. He is the one with the problem. I am not.
2. The fact that he is still so angry clearly shows he isn’t over it and might never be. I am actually sad for him in that regard.
3. This is something in my life that I have zero control over. Zero. So, if I can’t control it, why let it bother me?
4. My son is going to grow up and sadly, he will remember how my ex treated me. But, he has eyes and he will also remember how I treated and spoke to his dad. He will be smart enough to recognize the difference. In fact, even at a young age, he’s getting the picture.
5. He can only hurt me as much as I let him. I have the power to let his divorce anger roll off of me and be unaffected by it.
6. I will no longer hold out hope that he is going to change. It only leads to disappointment.
7. I can only be myself and try to take the high road as much as possible. Being rude and angry back doesn’t help my son or me.
8. The only thing that truly matters in regards to our relationship is our son. He is my priority, and I will keep that in mind at all times.
9. I will continue to be polite to my ex because it is in the best interest of our son. If I have to grit my teeth at times, so be it. It won’t kill me.
10. I will do my best to live the life I want and be happy, and minimize thinking about my ex’s divorce anger.

 

The thing about anger is, it’s the most unproductive emotion a person can have. It’s such a waste, and it just makes everyone feel crappy. Life is way too short for that. You just keep being YOU, keep taking care of your son, live your life, and make it a happy one!

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Eight Great Date Night Movies For Football Season

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in dating, dating after divorce, relationships after divorce, Second marriage

date night movies    date night movies

In my “Love Essentially” column published today in Sun-Times Local Media papers, I list 8 great date night movies for football season. The thing is, though, you don’t have to be on a date to enjoy these! They are also awesome movies to watch with a girlfriend or even by yourself!

Eight Great Football Flicks You Will Love by Jackie Pilossoph

Many women consider football season their off-season, meaning they write off their spouses beginning at noon on Sunday, as well as on Monday and Thursday nights, from about mid September until the day after the Super Bowl.

But, without exception, every season includes date night. So, next Saturday night, why not put the kids to bed early and mix football with romance? Here are eight great movies that will give a guy his fill of football and at the same time provide love and romance guaranteed to warm your heart and fill your eyes with tears.

1. Draft Day (2014): The newest football movie, starring the still-hot-at-59 Kevin Costner and beautiful Jennifer Garner, had me on the edge of my seat almost the entire time, and this is coming from someone who had no idea how the NFL draft worked before seeing the movie. Costner and Garner make an adorable couple and surprisingly manage to have some relationship drama on draft day.

2. Varsity Blues (1999): Varsity Blues is the adorable story of a small Texas town where high school football is like a religion. There is of course, high school drama, but the strong team camaraderie is heartfelt. Then there are the powerful characters who make the film special; the hated head coach (played by Jon Voight) and the lovable quarterback (played by James Van Der Beek), who you’ll be cheering for the whole time.

3. Brian’s Song (1971): This oldie but goodie will make you sob. Seriously. Based on the true story of Chicago Bears player, Brian Piccolo, who died of cancer, and his teammate and best friend, Gayle Sayers, who was by his side until the end, Brian’s Song is funny, heartwarming and memorable. And, actors James Caan and Billy Dee Williams give amazing performances.

4. The Replacements (2000): Hilarity ensues when substitutes, also known as “the replacements” must step in during a pro football strike. This truly is a “root for the underdog” kind of movie, with loveble characters (including those played by Keanu Reeves and Jon Favreau), making it that much easier to cheer them on. My favorite scene in this movie is when the replacements are in a jail cell dancing the electric slide to the song, “I will survive.” Too cute!

5. The Blind Side (2009): I wept throughout this entire movie. Based on a true story, complete and utter selflessness is displayed by the Memphis family who gave Michael Oher, a homeless and traumatized boy, a new life that included a college education and career in the NFL. There’s no romance in The Blind Side, but it will inspire you, make you feel great, and trust me, your tears will flow.

Click here to read the other 3 movies! The last one is my favorite!

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