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Advice for “We Never Have Sex Anymore”

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in Marriage advice, Over 40, relationship advice, Second marriage, Sex, Thinking of separating

we never have sex anymore       we never have sex anymore

Do you or your spouse ever think or say to a friend, “We never have sex anymore?” If so, you definitely need to read my Love Essentially column, published today in Chicago Tribune Media Group publications!

Let’s Talk About Sex…Or Lack Of It by Jackie Pilossoph

It is impossible to make a blanket statement (no pun intended) about married couples and sex. No two couples have the same sex life, and the spectrum of what goes on in a couple’s bedroom can range from snoring and boring, to wild and crazy passion every night.

But with work, kids, chores, and the pure exhaustion life can cause, finding time and interest in sex, especially for women can be challenging.

So, I reached out to Northbrook based therapist, Dr. Sarah Allen, Psy.D. to ask for some tips to help couples who might want to improve their sex lives.

Allen told me that when couples come to see her, it is almost always the case that they haven’t had good sex in a long time, often because other issues in the relationship, such as anger and resentment prevent physical desire.

But let’s say things are pretty peachy around your house with the exception of what’s happening under the covers. Here are Allen’s five tips that might help spice things up:

1). For women: make time to de-stress and unwind. Women need time to get into the sex frame of mind. “Men and women are very different in that women need an emotional connection to get interested in sex, whereas men are more visual,” said Allen, who is also a licensed clinical professional counselor. “Women are constantly doing doing doing, especially during this time of year, and they aren’t thinking about sex.”

2). Plan dates that are exciting and outside your comfort zone. “Feelings of being scared are similar to feelings of excitement,” said Allen. In other words, instead of dinner and a movie, try rock climbing or parasailing, something you wouldn’t normally do with your partner. The charge and the high you get might carry over into the bedroom.

3). Do things together that bring you back to being the people you were when you first met. Before you were married, before you had kids, and during the times you were first getting to know each other, you probably did things together that you don’t have time for anymore. Maybe you had picnics, maybe you listened to music together, or maybe you went to art galleries or museums. Doing those things might bring back memories and ignite a spark. Click here to read the rest of the tips in my Love Essentially column, published today in Chicago Tribune Media Group publications! Dr. Allen gives more tips, but so do I!

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Divorce Advice: Dealing With Your Ex at Family Celebrations

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in divorce advice, Divorce and children, in laws and divorce, relationship with ex, relationships after divorce

 

divorce advice

 

I want to offer divorce advice to men and women who are in one of these situations:

  1. They have a child getting married, who is having a wedding.
  2. They have a grandchild on the way, which will bring showers and religious gatherings such as a briss, baptism or christening.
  3. They have a pre-teen having a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Or, even if they are simply having a little kid’s birthday party.

 

These and other family celebrations force a divorced couple to possibly plan the event together, to see each other at the event, and most likely interact if it’s a religious service.

If the couple has a bad relationship, and possibly feelings of anger, bitterness or resentment towards one another, one of these upcoming events can cause fear, anxiety, sadness and other difficult feelings for one or both of the divorced people. It’s a lot of pressure and it isn’t easy for most divorced people.

So you don’t think I’m standing on a soap box judging, and telling you how you should act towards your ex at a family celebration, I will tell you that I just experienced my son’s Bar Mitzvah this past weekend, an event that included my ex, his wife, stepson, parents and other family members.

I have to say, minus a table number mix up nightmare at the party, it was a perfect day, and possibly the best day of my life. And, not for one moment did I focus on the fact that I was divorced, the semi-awkwardness that might have been in the air, or any negative feelings. It was all about my son. It was HIS day. It was a celebration. It was not about me or us.

Here are 10 things to tell yourself before and during the event if you have a moment of weakness, and if you are feeling insecure or bad in any way:

 

  1. Today is my son/daughter’s day. I am going to relish in the happiness and not focus on the past.
  2. Everyone here is focused on my child, not my divorce.
  3. If my ex in-laws choose to be rude or cold to me, I will not let it bother me. That is their choice and they will have to live with their bitterness. I don’t, which is why I am going to be me, and be my kind self, no matter what.
  4. Regardless of all his/her issues, my ex loves our child.
  5. I look beautiful, I am beautiful and I am going to stand tall and proud of my child.
  6. I am going to grit my teeth (during the planning) and every decision I make will be made with my child’s best interest at heart.
  7. I would never make a scene because that would hurt my child.
  8. I will not drink too much because that might cause more emotion and drama.
  9. I feel immense gratitude for the day and nothing else, not even if my ex left me for the woman he is here with today, along with their new baby.
  10. I will have fun no matter what, because celebrations are precious and we should take our joy and happiness to the fullest.

Here’s the thing. When you get divorced and you have kids, you are “stuck” with your ex pretty much forever, provided your kids have children of their own. With celebrations that go from little kid birthday parties to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs to confirmations to engagement parties to showers to weddings and to events celebrating the births of their children, there is no doubt you will see your ex. How you choose to handle things is up to you. You can bring in bitterness and hostility, or you can forget about the past, be kind and courteous, and focus on the celebration going on during the present.

I personally found myself very emotional (in a good way) and as strange as it seems, I felt like my ex and his family were still family. And they are (to my kids.) I hugged them, I was kind and polite, I included them in speeches, and I just kept thinking of how happy my son was that they were there.

If you and your ex are in a really bad place and it seems like you are arch rivals, think of a family celebration as a time out, a day when the two of you are on the same team, rooting for your teammate—your kid. It’s a shame people can’t have this philosophy all the time. Some people can, but the reality is, some cannot.

But, if you can find it in your heart and manage to throw some rice or give a speech together for ONE DAY, you are not only doing something great for your kid, you will find that YOU have a better time, and you will feel gratitude and really be able to engage in the pleasure and elation of the occasion.

 

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How About a Cocktail? Free Perfume Giveaway For My Readers!

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in girlfriends

 

Free Perfume Giveaway

The new fragrance called Cocktail

 

Want to win a bottle of a brand new fragrance that just launched called Cocktail? Enter my free perfume giveaway, where the creator of Cocktail, Gigi Gold will give away 3 bottles!

First of all, how great of a name is Cocktail?! But, besides the name, the perfume is sexy, playful and sophisticated. It’s a blend of violet leaf, bergamot, jasmine and amber, and comes in a beautiful bottle.

I do know a thing or two about perfume. A couple of years ago, I was doing some freelance writing for a guy who was launching a new perfume. In order to educate me on the industry, he sent me to Sniffapalooza, the largest perfume convention in the world, which takes place annually in New York City.

The convention and the weekend was one of the most fun I can ever remember, but more than just a good time, traveling from Bergdorf’s to Henri Bendel and to The Plaza, I had the pleasure of listening to several different presidents of perfume companies, explaining their philosophies about what makes certain perfumes market leaders, what goes into thought, production and marketing of all their fragrances. Not to mention, I was sent home with a bag of samples and gifts so large that I seriously will never have to buy perfume ever again as long as I live.

All that said, I am definitely going to get a bottle of Cocktail!

            So, here is the giveaway contest:

 

Answer the question: What is the most romantic moment you can ever remember in your life?

 

It can involve anyone in your life: your current boyfriend, an old boyfriend, a fling, even your ex. Forget about what happened in the relationship. It is irrelevant. In other words, even if it ended badly—even if it is your ex-husband—put yourself back into that place of intense romance, when you felt beautiful, sexy, loved and cherished, a time when that passion took your breath away.

 

Write you answer in a comment and Gigi will choose her top three answers one week from today. If you are in her top three, she will send you a bottle of Cocktail at no charge!

 

  • If you are a winner, I will contact you and get your address for Gigi.

 

Something I learned at the perfume convention, is that perfume, not just the smell but the story behind it—everything from the look of the bottle, the color, the way it is dispensed, the history of its creators—comes into play when a woman is deciding if she wants to buy a fragrance.

I think perfume is a wonderful confidence booster, and makes a woman feel pretty and sexy. Like lipstick (remember my lipstick article?) perfume is an inexpensive way to gain self-confidence and to make you stand taller and feel good about yourself.

To learn more about Cocktail: www.cocktailperfume.com

So, what’s your most romantic moment? Comment here!

 

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Dating Over 40? No Worries! 15 Reasons Single Men Prefer Us!

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in dating, dating after divorce, inspiration, Over 40

 

dating over 40    dating over 40

 

In my “Love Essentially” column that appears today in Chicago Tribune Media Group publications, I interviewed 5 men over the age of 40, asking them about dating over 40, and what aged women they prefer. Guess what they said? They like women over 40!

15 Reasons Single Men Prefer Dating Women Over 40 by Jackie Pilossoph

 

Ask any single woman over 40 if it’s hard to meet a man and you’re sure to get an earful. In particular, she’ll tell you that there are so few good guys available over the age of 40, and that even if you weed out the losers and the ones with heavy baggage, the normal, nice ones don’t want HER, they want a woman in her 20s or 30s.

Well, guess what? That is just not true. Many men prefer sophisticated, smart, sexy older women to younger women who haven’t really lived yet, and I have proof!

I reached out to five different men between the ages of 42 and 55, and combined, they gave me 15 reasons they prefer to be with a women who is around their same age:

1). Women over 40 know who they are and are generally comfortable in their own skin.

2). What women in their 40s have over their younger counterparts is that they are perfectly – miraculously – well calibrated to men their own age. They share maturity, life experience and even pop culture references, they often have similar-aged kids, parents and even gym habits, and most importantly, similar life goals and horizons.

3). It’s effortless to talk. There are no awkward pauses trying desperately to think of something to say.

4). If I’m with a young woman and I mention something about Pink Floyd or REO Speedwagon, chances are she won’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

5). You can really be yourself. It’s OK if you are getting gray or getting a spare tire, or prefer a quiet night at home over a loud club.

6). My kids are older and I have a lot more time and more freedom. So if I’m dating an older woman, her kids are most likely older and like me, she has time and freedom.

7). The next morning (if there is one) is not about someone taking “the walk of shame” or rushing to get out. You can go to breakfast, maybe do a crossword puzzle together or laugh about the night before.

8). There is no paranoia. Often when you date a younger woman you feel like she is kissing you with one eye open and looking for other, better opportunities. For the most part, women over 40 are looking for true love and will give you undivided attention. Click here to read the rest of the article that appears in several of today’s Chicago Tribune Media Group publications.

 

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How Do I Tell Him I Want a Divorce?

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in breakup advice, Marriage advice, relationship advice, Thinking of separating

 

How do I tell him I want a divorce

Jackie, I don’t know where to start. Not with what to tell you, but with what to tell my husband.  I don’t love him anymore. I also don’t want to be married anymore.  I don’t understand the point of marriage and regret it everyday.  I have been married 5 years. We have no children together.  My problem is this: he has not done anything really that bad. Oh don’t get me wrong, he does the usual man things, like not listening, working to much, etc. But nothing that renders me leaving.  My question is this. How do I tell him I want a divorce?

 

This could possibly be one of the toughest questions I have ever received, but I am going to do my best to try to give you some of my thoughts and suggestions.

First of all, is your husband aware of your unhappiness? Does he have any idea of what could be coming? If not, I don’t think I would come right out and ask for a divorce. In this case, I would try talking to him. I would start with, “Would it be possible for you and I to sit down and talk about our relationship? I am feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in our marriage, and I want to hear how you are feeling.”

This way, you get to see where his head is, based on his reaction. If he gets upset and starts screaming at you, then he is obviously unhappy, as well. If he is utterly shocked, then maybe he will be up for talking once he absorbs what is happening. I mean, is there any way you’d consider trying to work it out if he was on board with that? He also might say, “I am unhappy, too,” and it could lead to some productive communication.

I will say this. People always say marriage is hard, and I agree. Sort of. It’s not really hard, but it is hard work. What I mean by that, is (and this isn’t just for marriage, but for any relationship) the two people have to be committed to keeping it alive, keeping it sexy, keeping it honest, staying best friends, and that is done through good communication.

In a marriage, the marriage HAS TO BE your number one priority in life. It needs to be nurtured, like you never want it to die. It needs to be fed. What that means is both people making sure the other is happy, sticking by that person when they are sick or in a bad place, being happy for the person and showing support when things are good, and of course, making sure the other always knows he or she is loved and that you have their back. It’s not easy because it takes effort. But it IS easy if you want to make that effort.

Now, let’s say you are so past this point. You are done. The two of you have talked until you are blue in the face and in your mind, there’s no going back. So, how do you tell him you want a divorce?

Gently. Kind. And in a caring way. But, the fact remains that whatever words you use will undoubtedly translate to “I want a divorce.” Examples: “I think I might want a divorce,” “I think we should talk about our future,” “I’m not happy.” “I think I might want to separate.” “I think we should take some time apart.” He will interpret all of these things as “I want a divorce.”

It will hurt him, shock him, destroy the ground beneath him. And that is so so very sad, but the reality is, every divorce started with someone saying those words.

One more thing. The fact that you wrote to me and asked me, “How do I tell him I want a divorce,” shows me that you care. If you didn’t, you’d have already done it and you wouldn’t want my advice. That says a lot.

So, ask yourself if you are sure about this, or if you think the two of you might be able to get back the love you once had. Maybe instead of “I want a divorce,” you could try, “I want to work on our marriage?”

 

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