Couples come to us to mediate their divorce, to end their marriage the most amicable and fair way possible. Our goal is to keep them on the same page, especially as parents.. We want them to focus on communication, problem-solving, and moving forward in raising healthy children. How is that possible? By implementing a really good co-parenting agreement.
As mediators, our job is to reframe, repeat, and say things in a different way, so that people can hear what is saying in a more neutral way. Often someone hears their spouse start to speak and cannot focus on the words or statement because they assume they know what the other person is saying and are already formulating their response.
Likely they have had the same conversation before and know what the other person is saying before the words come out of their mouth. We e often referee because that’s our job to make sure the other person hears what is actually being said.
Communication skills are key to a good co-parenting agreement. Saying things so that your co-parent hears your point of view is critical. While you are not married any longer, you still need to make decisions for your children and appear to be a united front even if in some cases you don’t agree on an issue.
We teach our clients to tell their children “mom and I will discuss that and get back to you”, rather than saying yes so that you look like the “good guy” when the other parent has already said no. All children (not just children of divorce) learn how to play their parents off each other, which can be much more of a problem as they get older and are asking to do things which the parents do not necessarily approve. The younger they understand that mom and dad are a united front, even though no longer married, the more control parents will have.
Listening is critically important to successful mediation resulting in a good co-parenting agreement. While you think you know what your partner will say on a given issue, you might be surprised by their response. If you keep an open mind and are willing to consider their proposal to a problem, you may be closer than you think to solving a problem. Just like parenting, right? Children surprise us all the time and we need to be on our toes and think quickly to react to a situation to be the best parents we can be.
Most important, in my opinion, is respect for your partner even though you are divorcing him or her. It is obvious when you are dismissing someone’s statement or opinion. You may not agree with everything your ex says, but, choose your battles. Decide what issues are most important and fight harder for those.
You most likely know what is most important to your co-parent, so let go of what you do not really care about. You will get some of what you want, but not all. It’s not easy, but try to let go of things that are not really your top priority items. Same with parenting your children. Some of what they request they will get because you will decide that you do not care as much about those issues as other things they may really want. Other things they request, you may think are dangerous or set a bad precedent going forward and you will be firm in denying what they want to do or where they want to go.
We always emphasize to our clients that mediation teaches skills to make them s better co-parents going forward because they will learn to communicate and solve problems when their children are younger which will make it easier to solve problems when they are older.
In closing, people think mediation is a process that helps a couple achieve an amicable divorce. While this is true, it is also a process that we hope teaches and trains parents to develop habits in healthy communication and staying on the same page for their kids. It’s a huge benefit that we love giving divorcing couples and their children.
Like this article? Check out “4 Things NOT to Say in Mediation”
Congratulations, Ellen, on a very thoughtful and helpful article. Your clients are lucky to have your help.