How To Deal With An Angry Ex Husband Sending Mean Texts

how to deal with an angry ex

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

Couples often show their worst selves during a divorce, and that includes mean and angry text messages and/or emails. It’s not easy trying to figure out how to deal with an angry ex husband sending mean messages, especially when you’re not expecting them.  Let me explain…

Picture this. You are sitting in front of the TV late at night. Your children are in bed and you are finally de-stressing from the day, trying not to think about work, finances, your upcoming court hearing, the fact that you are in this nightmare dating scene now, and other stressors relating to life and/or your divorce.

All of a sudden, you hear on your phone that you received a text. What a nice break! It’s probably one of your friend or someone you just met on Bumble. You take the phone and to your dismay, the message is from your angry ex husband.

It gets worse. It’s a scathing, mean spirited message, telling you how awful you are and how much he can’t stand you. It goes on and on, includes many expletives and it makes you sick as you read it. It is so full of hate, anger and bitterness that you are cringing.

You get the feeling maybe he has been drinking because why else would he all of a sudden, out of the blue send a mean, angry text message? You weren’t even in a conversation with him.

I hear stories of an angry ex husband or wife sending mean texts all the time.

Getting a mean, angry text out of the blue from an ex is a horrible feeling. It’s disturbing. It’s upsetting. It’s creepy.

 

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How To Deal With An Angry Ex Husband Sending Mean Texts:

A person’s first instinct in receiving a mean, angry message from an ex, which could be by phone, text, email or social media, is to attack back. Send back a response. Defend yourself. Hurt back.

But, that is absolutely the worst thing you can do, in my opinion. Here is my advice for how to deal with an angry ex husband sending mean texts:

DO NOTHING. Do not reply. Do not type one key. Leave it alone.

A mean, angry texts deserves nothing from you. Don’t even type something short, like “ *uck you,” “you’re an idiot”, or even “get help.” I know you want to, but it isn’t wise.

An angry message from an ex is the result of harbored resentment that is coming out for one reason or another. The person might have had a really bad day, he or she might be unhappy about something having nothing to do with you. He or she might be hurting, either because of the divorce or something unrelated. Maybe life isn’t going well. Maybe he or she is falling apart.

 

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So, he or she is looking for someone to blame and who better to do it than the person who ruined his or her life by divorcing them? Instead of taking some responsibility for the unhappiness, or perhaps coping in a healthy way by turning to faith or working out or talking to a therapist or even seeking comfort from friends or family, the person chooses to lash out with a mean, angry message.

The sender wants to battle. He or she wants a fight. They want you to attack back so they can then attack again. They need to release their anger and they are trying to use you to do it. Don’t engage!

If you realize that the mean, angry text probably has NOTHING to do with you, you will feel better. I would actually go so far as to say you should feel sorry for the person sending the words of hate and anger. And, just focus on trying to forget about it.

 

 

Now, if you are having to deal with mean, angry texts on a regular basis, you might have to reach out to your attorney because no one should have to deal with that abuse. But, I think ignoring the message (not giving the sender the attention he or she obviously craves) will most likely result in the person not sending them anymore. It’s kind of like a toddler. If he or she has a temper tantrum and you ignore it, they see that the behavior doesn’t get them their desired result, so they stop.

The best advice I can give for how to deal with an angry ex husband sending mean texts is, try to think of it as HIS or HER PROBLEM and go back to what you were doing: trying to find your own peace by working on yourself and your new beginning. And of course, focusing on the wellbeing of the children.

One thing I recommend is to keep the angry, mean texts/emails. You never know when you might have to use them in court. It’s sad, but wise.

Lastly, if you find yourself writing a mean, angry text or email, that’s perfectly OK. Just hit “draft” and don’t send it. EVER. Write whatever you want! You can get as mean and nasty as you want. But then put it in a drawer. It is very therapeutic to write your emotions down, it’s another thing to send poison to others and possibly end up having it hurt you in court.

Like this article? Check out “8 Reasons Why Your Ex is Angry and Hateful Towards You”

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

2 Responses to “How To Deal With An Angry Ex Husband Sending Mean Texts”

  1. Tammy

    This literally just happened to me a few days ago. I’m grateful to read your advice about not engaging. 6 months ago, I would have done just that. I am in the midst of a transformation. Thanks for your blog!

    Reply

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