Sometimes Finding Love Is As Simple As Finding Him

finding love

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

I think it’s safe to say that everyone feels like finding love is hard. I would have added “especially at an older age,” but I won’t because I hear even from young people that meeting the right person is never a piece of cake.

 

There are so many factors that go into finding love, including the ones we can work on, such as:

*Being emotionally ready for love

*How much self-love a person has

*Being over your last relationship or divorce

*Wanting to find love (some people think they want it but deep down they really don’t)

*Being open to vulnerability and authenticity

*A healthy attitude

*A sense of feeling settled in life or not

*Liking your life

 

So, if you’re swiping and swiping and swiping, and nothing seems to be working out, it could be because of one of these.  For example, some people start dating after divorce and immediately have a mindset that they need to find husband #2. (I’m not judging, I did it.) With all this pressure you put on yourself, and high expectations of others, and wanting and needing it so badly, the chances of finding love go way down. Another example, if you aren’t happy with yourself, not really over your breakup or divorce, and just looking for love as a way to “get you out of your funk,” you won’t find it. That attitude dooms it from the start.

 

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But in finding love, there are also three uncontrollable factors:

Fate

Luck

Timing

Basically,  no one can control these, nor can we control another factor that I recently realized, based on the story of a friend of mine:

 

Sometimes finding love is as simple as WHO you meet. It’s about him. That’s it.

 

I have a dear friend who has been divorced for over a decade. She is very beautiful, energetic, fun, smart and kind, (a great catch) but has had relationship issues the entire time she’s dated after divorce. What I mean by that is, she has been in several relationships—short-term, medium-term and long-term, and none have worked out.

 

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I have always had the thought that the reason her relationships never worked out was that she wasn’t emotionally ready for love. Over the years, I’ve watched men fall in love with her, want to marry her, beg her to be exclusive, and for her own reasons, she couldn’t do it.

 

Too much baggage? Too afraid of commitment after being hurt so deeply? Too picky? Not enough self-love? One would think these were potential reasons, and at times, I have thought so. Until now.

 

My friend and I recently met for coffee and she said, “I have something to tell you.” She proceeded to say, “I think I’m in love,” something that in 11 years I’ve never heard her say, which is how I responded.

 

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“I know,” she said of the man she met on a dating site or app (I think). “I can’t believe it either, but I feel it. This feels right, and I think he might be the one.”

 

When we would talk about all the other men she was involved with over the years, she would always want to change the person. “I wish he was this…” “I’m not sure about this…” “I just don’t know…” With this guy, there was a peaceful, firm and self-assuredness about her that made me feel confident this was very very different.

 

So I asked her, “What do you think is different about this guy?” Her response: “I think it’s him. I just think he’s perfect for me. We fit so well together.” There was no hesitation in her voice. There were not “buts” in the conversation. It was all good, solid, calm, no drama.

 

Now, do I think that over the years my friend worked on herself? In other words, do some of these other factors about being ready for love apply? Sure. She has spent years and years trying new things, making new friends, working on herself, traveling, and putting good karma into the world through her profession.

 

But while that was the right thing to do, and while I think anyone who wants to find love should work on themselves, I firmly feel that there is an element of just meeting Mr. Right that is happening here.

 

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I think that when you meet Mr. Right (or Ms. Right) you just know. I can’t say it any better than that, and I experienced it firsthand myself. There is no doubt. Of course there are always little things that aren’t perfect, but your gut and your heart should be leading you down the path of certainty (or uncertainty) in a new relationship.

 

I do want to mention one other important aspect to my friend’s situation. She said that she had been alone and in and out of these non-working relationships for so long, that one day (shortly before she met her new guy) she had a conversation with God. She said (out loud), “God, please give me some direction. Am I supposed to be alone for the rest of my life? Because if that’s your plan for me, I’m in. I’m OK with it. I have faith that I will be fine.” She met the guy a couple days later.

 

What I think about that is, (and I had the same sort of conversation with God right before I started dating the love of my life) when people come to a place of  peace with being alone, and when they take the pressure off of finding love, that’s when it hits.

 

I used to hate it when people would say, “You’ll meet someone when you least expect it,” but I have never felt so strongly that there is truth to that. That said, your chances of meeting someone  (not just anyone but someone who will result in lasting love and a healthy relationship) go up if you have done the work on yourself. If you are in a good place emotionally, love really does come to you.

 

My friend’s inspiring story really makes me believe in happily-ever-after, and I’m not saying it takes 11 years to meet your soulmate. It could happen way sooner for you.

 

But one thing applies to everyone: Finding love is a combination of solid and healthy self-love, along with WHO just happens to walk into your life; Mr. Right, sent straight from God and from everyone who loves you and wants you to be happy. I wish that for all of you!!

 

Katz and Stefani Family Law Attorneys

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

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