Relationship advice: Why You Might be Running from Relationships

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

There is no law that says you have to be in a relationship, but in my opinion, it’s human nature to want to find love and monogamy. Here’s some relationship advice you can take or leave, but if you haven’t been in a relationship for awhile, you might want to consider this. The reason you are unattached might not be the reason you think you are. In other words, what’s the REAL reason you’re not in a relationship?

I hear a lot of men and women say, “I’m not in a relationship because it’s hard to meet people.” They ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone?” Or, they’ll say, “I just have bad luck when it comes to relationships.”


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They might not realize that there could be an underlying reason they’re not committed, one which has nothing to do with difficulty meeting someone or having fun.

Here are six REAL reasons people are unattached:

1. You’ve been hurt and are scared.

This is completely understandable. Let’s say you’ve been bitten by a dog and ended up in the hospital with stitches. What’s going to happen the next time you see that dog? You’re probably not going to walk right up to the dog and start petting it. You’re probably going to shudder and quickly turn the other way.

Relationships are no different. Being hurt is sometimes traumatic and it could take a long time before you’re ready to look for love again. That said, at some point, you have to realize that not all dogs bite!

2. Timing.

You’re at an uncertain place or don’t feel settled in your life. Maybe you just got laid off from your job. Is this the time you are dying to fall in love? Probably not. Or, let’s say you just accepted a position in Singapore. Chances are, you won’t be getting into a serious relationship before you leave. Perhaps you just got divorced. You might want a little time to yourself.


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All of these scenarios and lots more are perfectly acceptable reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship. There is the school of thought, however, that no one is ever “settled” in life, and that if we are waiting to be “settled” before getting into a relationship, we might be waiting forever.

3. You don’t make an effort to meet single people. 

So many people complain about how difficult it is to meet other single people. While that might be true, I believe that you make your own opportunities. The chances of meeting someone are zero percent if you are sitting at home on your couch watching Shark Tank.

My point is, if you want to meet someone, don’t pass up any opportunities. Say yes to every invitation you receive. I have a friend who met her husband at a wedding she desperately didn’t want to attend. Her now husband was the date of another woman.

Summer is practically here. Outdoor concerts, outdoor dining, the lake front, biking paths, street festivals, golf courses, tennis courts, swimming pools – these are all great places to meet single people. Every time you walk outside your door, your chances of meeting someone go up.

4. You’re not over your last relationship.

Most people at one time or another have been heartbroken over a breakup. It’s very difficult, and when you start dating, you might compare every person to the man or woman you thought was the one. What ends up happening is, no one is good enough, and you find flaws in every single date. The danger of this thinking is, years go by and you are still looking for something too perfect for it to really even exist.

My suggestion is, learn to accept that the relationship is over for good, and that you might not have let yourself see the faults of the other person, and the problems and issues that ultimately ended what in your mind was the ultimate, perfect relationship. Only then will your heart open, allowing you to give love another chance.

 5. You  just don’t want to be in one right now, and would rather focus on kids or their career.

I have seen many men and women use their job or their children as an excuse for not being in a relationship. It’s okay if you just don’t want to be in a relationship, but admit that to yourself. Don’t blame others causing you to be too busy, blame yourself. Just admit it. By not wanting to be in a relationship, you’re not doing anything wrong!

 6. You lack self-love.

In my opinion, this is the number one reason people aren’t in relationships.I believe it is impossible to be in a healthy romantic relationship if you don’t love yourself. When a person lacks self-love, they lack self-worth, self-confidence, and happiness. They don’t believe they are worthy of the love of another person, so it is seriously impossible to find it.

Obtaining self-love isn’t difficult. It just takes good, ethical decisions, and the conscious choice to live a life you are proud to live. Are you a good parent? Are you doing what you love professionally? (or trying to get there) Are you proud of your career? Do you like the way you treat others? Do you value the way you live your life and the decisions you make? If you can say yes to these, you have a better chance of finding love.

Like this article? Check out, “20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self”



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    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at:

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