Is it Better to be Head Over Heels in Love or Comfortable in a Relationship?

head over heels in love

By Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author

Jackie, I need some relationship advice. What is a better relationship? Comfortable and good enough, where your life is generally better but you’re not exactly in a rush to see the girlfriend or “Head over Heels in love:” where there is a ton of passion but that’s the only thing notable.


My gut reaction is to answer this question by saying “neither.” Do you really want to be in a relationship where you aren’t “exactly in a rush to see the person?” Instead, wouldn’t you rather be dying to see that person whenever you get the chance? As far as head over heels, in love, that’s great, but if “that’s the only thing notable,” then that isn’t good either.

The best relationships are a little bit of both: head over heels in love and good enough. The best relationships are like a pie that has 15 pieces, which include the following:


1. Being partners. One person can’t be a passenger and the other the driver. You have to feel like equals.
2. Being best friends and treating each other that way.


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3. Wanting to rip each other’s clothes off at times. In other words, yes, maybe a little bit of head over heels in love, and physical attraction must be present. Not every day, but enough to sustain a healthy physical connection, which actually stems from most of these other pieces of the pie.
4. Having respect for each other, both professionally and personally. A happy relationship cannot be sustained without that. In other words, if there is no respect, you should break up.
5. Giving of yourself and compromising for each other. If she’s dying to go to that sushi place you hate, suck it up and go there for her from time to time. If he wants to watch football with the guys, don’t give him a hard time about it.
6. Both wanting to preserve the relationship. Nurture it. Make sure it stays strong.
7. Communicating effectively and productively. You must know how to talk to each other in a way that makes sense, that shows mutual respect, and that works for both of you.
8. Supporting each other even in bad times: loss of job, sickness, and even bad moods.


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9. Being kind to each other. I remember a friend getting divorced saying, “I wish she would treat me as nice as she treats the Starbucks barista.”
10. Maintaining infatuation. Your heart should still pound every time he or she walks into a room. That’s head over heels in love, isn’t it?
11. Having common interests. Liking the same kinds of music, art, hobbies, movies, etc. is key to being happy together. Having similar views on some things helps, as well. Most importantly, you should have fun together!! Enjoy each other! Also, don’t try to force commonality. You either have it or you don’t.
12. Feeling gratitude for each other every day. When you wake up in the morning, your first thought should be how grateful you are to have him or her sleeping next to you.
13. Handling arguments productively. Arguing is normal, but you should have some kind of agreement on how to handle those. Not talking for days is bad, but so is screaming and yelling at each other constantly.
14. Not having outside temptations. If you are even considering cheating, you are either with the wrong person or you need to figure out why and work on yourself.


15. Liking each other. It will never work if you don’t like each other. There are plenty of people who fall madly in love, but can’t really say they like their spouse.

Like this post? Check out my article, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”




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    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling, the site, the podcast and the app. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

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