Would you rather be head over heals in love or comfortable in a relationship? I’m sure most people would answer, “I want both!” But is that possible and if so, how does a couple achieve that? This article is based on advice I want to give to a reader who emailed me for advice:
Jackie, I need some advice. What is a better relationship? Comfortable and good enough, where your life is generally better but you’re not exactly in a rush to see your spouse? Or “Head over Heels in love:” where there is a ton of passion but that’s the only thing notable.
My gut reaction is to answer this question by saying “neither.” Do you really want to be in a relationship where you aren’t “exactly in a rush to see the person?” Instead, wouldn’t you rather be so excited to see your spouse when you get home from work? As far as head over heels in love, that’s great, but if “that’s the only thing notable,” then that isn’t good either. That kind of relationship has a shelf-life.
The best relationships are a little bit of both: head over heels in love and comfortable. Try to imagine a relationship like a pie that has 15 pieces, (although in my opinion pies have about 6 pieces max!)
Here are the pieces of BEST RELATIONSHIP pie:
1. Being partners. If you are a team, you celebrate good things together and you support each other when one is down and things are going great with the other. You keep the team going strong. You also handle bad things as a team. There’s no blame and the two of you solve problems together.
2. Being best friends and treating each other that way. Take a big bite of this piece because it’s so very important. Friends fight sometimes, but a true friend has the other’s back, cheers the friend on and supports their dreams, and picks the friend up off the ground when needed.
3. Wanting to rip each other’s clothes off, at times. In other words, head over heels in love. Not every day, but enough to sustain a healthy physical connection, which actually stems from most of these other pieces of the pie.
4. Having respect for each other, both professionally and personally. A happy relationship cannot be sustained without that. In other words, if there is no respect, you should break up.
5. Giving of yourself and compromising for each other. If she’s dying to go to that sushi place you hate, suck it up and go there for her from time to time. If he wants to watch football with the guys, don’t give him a hard time about it.
6. Both wanting to preserve the relationship. Nurture it. Make sure it stays strong. Both people are committed to staying no matter what. I think this piece of the pie makes it very difficult to cheat because both people are focused on how dedicated they are to the relationship.
7. Communicating effectively and productively. Talk to each other in a way that shows mutual respect, even during the times you disagree. Listening is so important in good communication, and waiting for the other person to finish before responding.
8. Supporting each other even in bad times: loss of job, sickness, and other hard situations.
9. Being kind to each other. I remember a friend getting divorced saying, “I wish she would treat me as nice as she treats the Starbucks barista.”
10. Maintaining infatuation. Your heart should still pound every time he or she walks into a room. That’s head over heels in love, isn’t it?
11. Having common interests. Liking the same kinds of music, art, hobbies, movies, etc. is key to being happy together. Having similar views on some things helps, as well. Most importantly, you should have fun together!! Enjoy each other! Also, don’t try to force commonality. You either have it or you don’t.
12. Feeling gratitude for each other every day. When you wake up in the morning, your first thought should be how grateful you are to have him or her sleeping next to you.
13. Handling arguments productively. Arguing is normal, but you should have some kind of agreement on how to handle those. Not talking for days is bad, but so is screaming and yelling at each other constantly.
14. Not having outside temptations. If you are even considering cheating, you are either with the wrong person or you need to figure out why and work on yourself.
15. Liking each other. It will never work if you don’t like each other. There are plenty of people who fall madly in love, but can’t really say they like their spouse.
