Need Some Fuel For Getting Over A Divorce? Try Pain

getting over a divorce

By Jennifer Joy Butler, Divorced Girl Smiling Contributor, MSW, Love and Relationship Coach

When I went through my divorce I was completely and utterly devastated. At first, that looked like shock and me going completely numb. I remember talking to my best friend night after night, repeating the facts to her and figuring out everything that needed to be done in getting over a divorce.

One night during one of our marathon conversations, she asked me if I was ever going to cry. I repeatedly told her I was fine, better than fine, and that she did not need to worry about me. Obviously, I was making the best choice for myself and my son, and the fact that I was not a crying mess must be proof that my heart had been over it for some time. There was no pain, there was only me doing everything I knew I needed to do to transition into whatever this new life would be.



And then reality hit, and when I say hit, I mean reality barreled me over like a steam roller and left me peeling myself up off the floor piece by piece. What I remember most was that the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It seared through every inch of my being with such intensity I thought it was sure to tear me apart. I cried, I screamed, I hit and threw things, yet nothing seemed to make it go away. The pain was there to stay and it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.

So, I was left with a choice. I could allow the pain to wear me down, close my heart, and eventually break me, making it my excuse for falling apart OR I could use the pain to create and transform, making it my reason for overcoming and thriving.

I chose to make it my reason and I decided to use my pain as fuel for my success and becoming everything I ever dreamed I could be.



When you break it down, pain is really just a form of energy within your body and can be utilized in many different ways. How YOU choose to use that energy is totally up to you. You can use it to do the hard work of obsessing about your loss or you can channel it to do the hard work of learning and growing. Either path requires your energy and the pain you feel can be used as the fuel you need to succeed at either one.

I can tell you that your pain is a powerful tool and can be the very thing that allows you to transcend your divorce experience.

When you make the decision to use your pain and consciously focus on creating something with it, everything changes. Suddenly, you are able to see the ways in which your pain is there to teach and guide you. You become aware of the gifts that are being bestowed upon you and open to the lessons that will transform your life. When you make the choice to use your pain as fuel for making your dreams come true, you begin a process of intentionally elevating yourself from where you are to where you want to be.

Whether you can see it right now or not, what you are experiencing is simply a part of your journey. A necessary time in your life where you are meant to learn and grow into exactly who you have been uniquely created to be. You are meant to uncover, discover, and transform. You are meant find the lessons and allow them to shape you from this day forward. You are meant to be a conscious creator in your grief and in your transformation.



Look deeply within yourself and question:

What am I meant to be learning?
What am I meant to be creating?
Who have I been created to be?
How can I use my pain as fuel to transcend this experience in my life?

It is terrifying, I know, but the pain is there no matter what. So you might as well make the decision here and now that your pain will be your REASON for thriving and making your dreams come true!

With love,


getting over a divorce

Jennifer Joy Butler is a certified health coach, writer, and podcast host dedicated to helping people fall deeply in love with themselves and awaken to their internal power to create joy, love, and freedom in their lives. A graduate of New York University with a Masters Degree in Social Work, Jennifer is also a divorced single mom who has transformed her own life. Jennifer truly understands her clients and the journey they are on. 

Like this article? Check out, “Divorce Advice: 9 Things For Rock Bottom”


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